Chapter 102 Medications

Monday, October 2, 2000

A few days ago, I ran into Sarah’s former teacher. She told me that Sarah had told her I babysat and asked if I would watch her 11-month-old. I told her I didn’t tend anymore. Then she asked me if I would change my mind. I had no intention of watching kids again! Only the one boy who was Johny’s age and his brother. My mind had been made up a long time ago, so I gave her a firm no. She started to cry. I felt bad. She is such a nice lady. So here I am, watching her child as well. He is a sweet boy, so it doesn’t seem so bad.

Sunday, November 12, 2000

Johny will be 6 next month. Yesterday, he found Jared’s Viking hat. Johny wanted to know all about it, so I told him about Denmark. Johny wanted to go to Denmark. It costs a lot of money.

Maybe someday, if we have enough money, I will take him. I thought that was the end of our conversation.

Today Johny proudly brought me 28 cents. I asked Johny what it was for. He said it was so we could go to Denmark. I tried to explain to him that it would take a lot more money than that.

To help Johny better understand just how much money it would take, I got two large jars. I told him we would need to fill up both of them to have enough money. I thought this would help him realize there was no way we could go there.

A few hours later, he returned with more coins. He had managed to find almost $4.00. Who knows if he keeps this up, we might be able to go to Denmark by the time he is 15.

Johny is such a sweet boy. He reminds me of Jared when he was that age. I dread the day he is the same age as Jared is now.

Monday, November 13, 2000

Richard, Jared, and I met with the family counselor this evening. We have been going faithfully every month. Every time we go, he makes me feel worse than the month before. He had convinced me that the problems my family was having were all my fault. I have done everything he has asked of me. He had managed to tear me apart piece by piece.

Tuesday, November 14, 2000

Everything the counselor had said to me over the past few months was circling in my head. I couldn’t stop crying. I never meant to harm my family!

Wednesday, November 15, 2000

I still can’t stop crying. Everything I did had always been for my children. I am damaged beyond repair. They would all be better off without me. It’s best I leave before I cause them anymore harm.

I had always wanted to be a stewardess. I wondered what it would take to become one.

There is a man named *John who lives up the street. He is a pilot. This evening I went to talk to him. I asked him what it would take to become a stewardess. He said he didn’t know, but he would see what he could find out for me.

Thursday, November 16, 2000

John stopped by. He gave me a phone number to call so that I could ask questions about becoming a stewardess.

Friday, November 17, 2000

I called the number. The man I talked to was really nice. After speaking to him for a few minutes, he told me that he thought I would be perfect for the job. He asked me to come in next week, then he would go over the steps required for me to get the job.

I was heartbroken to think my family was better off without me. Since I don’t want to cause more harm, it’s for the best.

Sunday, November 19, 2000

I asked my Bishop if he had time to meet with me after church. He said it sounds serious. I could come see him right after the last meeting.

My heart was pounding. When I got into the Bishop office, he asked me if everything was okay. I told him that, since he had always been there for me, I didn’t think it was fair to leave my family without letting him know why. He asked, “Why would you leave?! If you are tired of your family, then get a hobby. Something where you can go for a few hours a week to get a break. But not permanently!”

I burst into tears. I told him I didn’t want to get a break from my family. Then I explained to him the harm I was causing them. The Bishop looked dumbfounded. After we had talked about how I had come to this conclusion, he said, “We need to have a serious talk! Your husband is so lucky to have you in his life! He had always admired me for holding the family together in spite of all the challenges he could see I was facing.

He helped me understand that I was the glue that held the family together. He asked me if he could give me a blessing to help me stay strong. In the blessing, he said things I needed to hear. It helped me understand just how important I was to my family. Without me, my children would be lost.

When I got home, I went into my closet and cried. It was scary for me to think just how close I was to leaving my children. They are my world!

Wednesday, December 27, 2000

Jared has been taking medication for 4 weeks now. I am excited to see that it’s working! It’s amazing the difference it’s made. Jared laughs. I think it’s been two years since I last saw him so happy.

A few weeks ago, I noticed that Richard had some pills in his backpack. I went on the computer to see if I could find out what they were for. It was for Bipolar. That would explain the way he acts at times. It seems like his pills are no longer working. I asked Richard if he had Bipolar. He got mad and said, “No! You do!”

When he had calmed down, I let him know I was there for him. Together, we could get through whatever he was dealing with. I told him that I didn’t think his medication was working. He agreed. He promised that he would go back to the doctor to see if there was something else that he could take instead.

I swear, if it’s not one person in my family that’s having a hard time, it’s another!
I guess I should be grateful that I am of sound mind so that I can deal with it all!

It was bizarre for me to realize that our family counselor had convinced me that I was the one who had caused all the problems!