Chapter 12 Wedding

February 1970-Mom’s Wedding 

At the beginning of February, Mom noticed she was spotting. The doctor told her she needed to go to the hospital because he thought she might be losing the baby. 

When we or anyone else asked Mom why she was in the hospital, she said it was because she was having complications from the car wreck she was in last October. 

Towards the end of February, Bent came back from Canada as planned. Mom was in the hospital, but she was determined that the wedding was still going to take place. The doctor permitted Mom to have a small wedding in her room, so she arranged for a Lutheran pastor to come to the hospital and preside over the marriage to Bent. 

Back then, school was held on Saturdays. We got permission to be out of school because of the wedding. Bent walked Sander and me to the hospital. When we got there, Grandma Helfred was already there.  I got to hold a small bouquet because I was the bride’s maid. 

When the pastor arrived, he was dressed in a long black robe with a large white collar. He placed two large candles at the foot of Mom’s bed and lit them. The wedding took place while Mom was lying in bed. 

After the ceremony, Bent walked Sander and I back to the apartment. While we were walking, I asked Bent if this meant he was our new dad. Bent lowered his head and said very softly, “I guess so.” I was the only child in my class whose parents were divorced. I was excited to be just like everyone else. I asked, “Can I call you Dad?” Bent answered, “Sure.” As we continued walking, I asked, “Dad, what time is it?” Sander laughed, then he said, “Duh, you are just asking what time it is so you can say, Dad.” I felt silly because Sander was right. I was excited to have a new dad. I was no longer from a broken home. 

After the wedding, it seemed nothing had really changed, and everything went back to the way it had always been. 

Better Safe than Sorry 
 
A few days after Mom’s wedding, she was released from the hospital. She and Bent went to visit his parents in Skive. Grandma came to stay with Sander and I at our apartment. Before they left, Mom told Grandma that I had a doctor’s appointment in a few days. It was just a regular check-up. Mom gave Grandma a bottle the doctor had given us and told her to make sure I took a urine sample to the appointment. 

Grandma put a piece of foil on the bathroom floor. Then she told me that the next time I had to poop, I had to do it on the foil. I asked Grandma, “Why?” She said it was so that we could give it to the doctor. I told Grandma I was pretty sure the doctor would only need a urine sample. Grandma said, “It’s always better to be safe than sorry.” Grandma kept asking me if I had to poop. It was starting to get annoying. Every time I went to the bathroom, Grandma would remind me to make sure to poop on the foil that was on the floor. 

When I was finally able to go, I did it on the foil just like Grandma had asked. By the time I was done, it had become more than just a small sample. Grandma seemed so pleased with it. She wrapped it up in the foil very carefully. 

The next day, when it was time for me to go to the doctor, Grandma asked me to put the neatly wrapped package in my green purse. Then off we went to the doctor’s office. We walked to the bus stop. On the way there, we stopped at the crosswalk and waited for the light to change. People were standing around us. Slowly, they walked away from me. They looked at me as if to ask, “How come you smell so bad?” I was so uncomfortable. It seemed forever before the light turned green. 

When Grandma and I got on the bus and found our seats, people slowly got up and moved as far away from me as possible. It seemed all eyes were on me. I just sat there with a shy smile on my face and the green purse on my lap, pretending there was nothing here to smell. 

When we arrived at the doctor’s office, we were told to take a seat. The same thing happened in the waiting room that had occurred on the bus. People didn’t want to sit by me. I really didn’t blame them. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t have sat by me either. I sat there patiently waiting for the doctor to see me, while the stench filled the whole room. By now, I was ready to die of embarrassment. Instead, I sat there smiling at people who were staring at me, all the time pretending everything was just fine. 

When I was FINALLY called into the doctor’s office, I placed my package on the counter. The doctor had a horrified look on his face as he asked, “What is that?” He carefully opened the package. I told the doctor it was a sample of my poop. (As if the doctor hadn’t already figured it out by the smell.)  The doctor looked like he was going to throw up. Then he yelled, “Nurse! Get in here and get rid of this!” The nurse came running in and opened the garbage can. Then she threw my package in. It landed with a loud thud. 

The doctor tried to continue with the check-up. He asked Grandma in disbelief, “Why in the world did she think he would need such a sample? Grandma answered, “It’s better to be safe than sorry.” Due to the unbearable smell, the doctor had difficulty concentrating on the examination. All of a sudden, he paused…then he yelled, “Nurse! Get in here and empty the garbage can!” The nurse came running in and did as she was told. At the same time, the doctor opened the window as wide as he could. I was relieved when the doctor’s visit was over, and I could go home. I don’t think I have ever been so embarrassed in all my life!  This was one time it would have been better if we were, “Sorry, rather than safe!’ 

Bent and Mom returned from Skive a few days later. When they got back, Bent went back to Canada. 

Another Hair Cut 

Right after Mom got home from Skive, she told me it was time to have my hair “trimmed.” I was delighted it had finally started to grow back. I asked Mom if she could please let it keep growing. Mom told me the more it got cut, the faster it would grow. That didn’t make any sense to me, so I questioned it. She said, “Hair needed air if it was to grow.” For this reason, she insisted I get a haircut.  I was fine with my hair not getting air. But there was no use arguing with her.  She was not giving in. I soon found myself back at the barber with Sander, having the same haircut as him. 

I wish Mom cared about how devastating it was to my self-esteem to have my hair cut like this. 

May 1970 

When Grandma came over, she told Mom she noticed she was gaining weight. Mom laughed. Then she said, “Yes, I’ve got to start eating less.”  Shortly thereafter, Sander startled Mom. Mom told him never to startle people, especially pregnant women. Sander looked at Mom. Then he asked, “Why are you pregnant?” Mom answered, “No!  But if I were, it would have been dangerous.” 

A few weeks later, Mom finally told us she was expecting a baby in September. It was to be a secret, and we couldn’t tell anyone. Sander and I were thrilled to hear this news. Sander told me he wanted a brother. I told him I wanted a sister. We started to argue over what sex the baby was going to be. I finally gave in and accepted it was going to be a boy, after all, Sander always got his way. 

I couldn’t keep it a secret. I told my friends at school the news. The next day, one of the girls in my class said to me, “My mom and dad say your mom is a loser and that her Cowboy husband went back to Canada because he has an Indian girlfriends waiting for him!” Everyone who was standing around us laughed. It made me feel terrible, so I hurried and walked away.  I wished I could disappear off the face of the earth and never have to face any of them again. 

I had always felt I was different because I was the only one in the class without a dad living at home. I thought that when Mom remarried, everything would be solved. Instead, it only seemed to make matters worse. I couldn’t believe people were talking so badly about my mom and her new husband. 

Summer Camp 1970 
 
This summer, Sander and I went with the Part-Time Home to Camp. We were there for three weeks. We had been told we could either sleep in a building in the campground or bring our own tent. Both Sander and I wanted to sleep in a tent. Dad gave Sander the tent and said he could use it. I notice that Dad left me out of the plans he and Sander discussed. As usual, I blamed myself, thinking it was because I was so stupid and ugly. 

I ended up sleeping in the building with the rest of the kids who didn’t have a tent. Every day, I would ask Sander if I could have a turn sleeping in the tent.  Finally, Sander agreed to let me stay in the tent for one night with one of my friends. When I got into the tent, I found five kroners (about a dollar) in the pocket. I asked Sander where he got the money. He got upset with me and told me to leave the tent pockets alone. I kept asking him where he got the money from. Finally, he told me Dad had given him the money to spend on the camping trip. My heart sank. I couldn’t believe Dad would do that. I had hoped he loved Sander and me the same. I was convinced, more than ever, that it was because I was stupid and ugly. 

We had a lot of freedom at this camp. We could pretty much come and go as we pleased. It’s a miracle that no harm came to us, because we were also allowed to swim in the nearby lake, which had no supervision. Sometimes we would even walk into town by ourselves and look at the stores. On the way back to the camp, my friend and I saw an elderly woman sitting on her porch. We stopped and talked to her. She invited us in and showed us pictures of her kids and grandkids. After that, we came by often during our trip to town and visited with her. 

There was a wooded area near the camp. We were told not to go into the woods because we could get lost. One day, just before lunch, my friend  and I decided to walk very close to the woods. We then decided that we wanted to see a “little” of the woods. The woods were interesting and exciting, probably even more so because we had been asked not to go there. 

There were lots of insects to look at. It seemed like it would be easy to find our way back, so we walked just a little further. We had not gone very far when all of a sudden, everything looked the same. We could not tell which way we had come in, or which way to go out. We got scared. We walked for hours, not knowing if we were getting farther away or getting closer to our campsite. 

We were getting hungry and started to wonder if anyone had noticed we were missing. From the moment we knew we were lost, I said many silent prayers in my heart to ask Heavenly Father to help us find our way back. When it started to get dark, we were terrified. The woods seemed even scarier as the sun was beginning to set. We heard owls howling. We had seen foxes during the day, but luckily, they had been afraid of us and had run in the opposite direction. However, we didn’t know if they would come after us at night.  By now, we were exhausted, but we were afraid to sit down and rest for fear of bugs crawling on us. I said yet another silent prayer for what seemed like the 100th time. 

The sun had gone down.  At our camp, they turned the lights on in the building where we slept. Just as I was giving up hope that we would be found, my friend said, “Look, there is light coming from that way.” We ran as fast as we could towards the light. As we ran, we could see the light was coming from the building we were staying in. 

When we got back, everyone had already gone to bed. The leaders had just noticed we were missing. They were about to go out and look for us. They were happy to see us so they could go to bed too. The leaders told us not to wander off like that again. I wasn’t about to go into the woods anytime soon. 

We had been gone for about 10 hours, and we were hungry! When we asked for food, we were told there was no dinner left. They gave us a raw egg with sugar and told us to stir it and eat it. Raw egg with sugar was something we would sometimes eat as a snack at the Part-Time Home. The egg didn’t fill me up. If anything, it gave me a stomachache.   

I was grateful to lie down in my sleeping bag to go to sleep and thankful to Heavenly Father for helping us find our way back to the camp. 

September 21, 1970 
 
It was the end of the day, and time for Sander and me to ride our bikes home from the part-time home. Out of nowhere, Sander took off in a different direction. I called him and asked him where he was going. He yelled back that I should go home and that he would meet up with me later. I wondered where he was off to in such a hurry.

When I got home, Mom was not there. I let myself into the apartment. I didn’t like being home alone. I kept wondering where Sander had gone and when he would be back. I had been home for a while when the phone rang. It was Grandma. She told me that she and Sander were at the hospital because Mom had given birth to a girl. I was surprised to hear I had a sister, especially since Sander had ordered a baby brother. 

I wanted to come to the hospital to see the baby, too. Grandma told me the nurses wouldn’t let me come in. The only reason they had let Sander in was that he had shown up right after Mom had given birth. When Sander arrived at the hospital, he told the nurses he knew Mom had just had the baby. The nurses were impressed with his timing, so they let him in. 

I felt awful because Sander hadn’t brought me along so that I could see the new baby, too.  It felt like I was home alone forever. I got even more upset and nervous as it started to get dark. Grandma and Sander finally came home that evening. Grandma stayed with us while Mom was in the hospital. 

Each day, I would go with Grandma to the hospital so that she could visit Mom and the new baby. I had to sit outside in the waiting room until Grandma came back. I thought it was dumb that they wouldn’t let me in to see my own sister. 

It had only been a week, yet it seemed like forever before Mom and the baby could come home.  Mom called up Mai-Britt’s dad to see if he could bring them home. I was so excited to finally see my new sister. I went with Mai-Britt and her dad to pick them up from the hospital. 

When we arrived at the hospital, I watched as Mom came out with the new baby. I ran up to Mom so that I could be the first one to look at my sister. She was so cute! I was overwhelmed to think we got to take her home and keep her. I was also still trying to grasp the fact that she was a girl. No matter how much Sander wanted his way, this was out of his control, and Mom couldn’t give him his way. I felt like she was a gift from Heavenly Father. I was so excited to think I had a sister! 

Mom called Bent and wanted him to come back from Canada to see their baby. Bent told her he wouldn’t come back until the spring. Mom got upset. She couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t want to come right away. Bent was in no hurry, and his mind was made up. 

They named her Elisabeth after Bent’s mom. I wanted to hold Elisabeth, but for the first few days, Mom was afraid I would drop her. However, it didn’t take long for Mom to realize that perhaps it wasn’t such a bad thing if I held her. Especially since then, she would get a break from her.

Sander didn’t seem to have much interest in Elisabeth. Before I knew it, I was the one who took care of her every time she cried. I didn’t mind because I thought she was the most precious little person on earth. She made me feel happiness I never knew existed. 

I made a vow to myself that she wasn’t going to cry the way I had always done. I was going to do everything in my power to be there for her. A few weeks after Elisabeth was born, Mom went back to work, and Elisabeth was taken to the same daycare I used to go to. Luckily, her daycare was right next door to the Part-Time Home where I went. Every day after school, I rushed on my bike to the daycare to check on Elisabeth. 

When I got there, I found Elisabeth left in a crib, crying. I hurried, picked her up, and walked her around to help her calm down, then I would see what she needed. It really bothered me that none of the workers there seemed to be taking proper care of her. 

When I got home, I told Mom about the daycare and how they left Elisabeth crying in a crib, while they were right next to her. Mom then found a lady named Maren who lived in the same apartment complex as we did to tend to Elisabeth. Again, I hurried home every day to see how Maren was caring for Elisabeth. I wasn’t allowed to stay long because I was expected to go to the Part-Time Home. 

A few days after Maren started caring for Elisabeth. Mom told me I could no longer make my after-school stop at Maren’s home to check up on Elisabeth. I was to go straight to the Part-Time Home. I was so worried about Elisabeth, and it made me feel better to see how she was doing. I wish I could take her home and give her the care she needed. I knew Mom would never agree to it, so I never said anything. I was glad that Maren was a nice lady and trusted that she would take good care of Elisabeth. 

One evening when I was at home taking care of Elisabeth, I asked Mom if Elisabeth could be my very own baby and if she would sell her to me for 25 øres (a nickel). Mom laughed at my question. I knew Mom thought my question was silly, but I really meant it. Then Mom answered, “Sure.” I thought to myself, “Next time I have money, I will be sure to pay her.” Having her belong to me made me feel even more responsible for Elisabeth. I was sure Heavenly Father had sent her just for me, and I was to be her protector. 

I was sent off for another camp. I hated having to leave Elisabeth behind. But I knew it was no use arguing because Mom had already paid the fee and she would never change her mind. There was a lot of talk about this camp, so I tried to get excited to go. 

Sander and I meet the leaders and the rest of the kids at the bus station. There, the children said goodbye to their parents, and the leaders said goodbye to their spouses. The bus took us to a ferry. It was exciting to go on board since I had never been on such a big boat before. 

When we finally got to the campground, we each found the mattress we would be sleeping on. This was a new campground far away from everything. We never went to the same campground twice. 

The following day, we were divided into small groups and boarded different small boats. In my group, we had a male and a female leader. Both of them were married to spouses who were waiting for them at home. 

At first, the kids in my group were filled with excitement to be on this small boat. After we had sailed for a while, the kids started to settle down, and we all sat down enjoying the rocking of the ship. Slowly, one by one, the kids started to fall asleep. 

The two leaders were sitting together. I sat next to them. The female leader told me to put my head on her lap. I felt safe and loved as I lay there in her arms. She was softly stroking my hair and eyes, trying to make me go to sleep. It was such a peaceful moment. Then I heard her say to the male leader, “Almost all of the kids are asleep.” I pretended to be asleep since this is what she seemed to expect of me. 

When we had sailed for a little bit longer, the leaders started a conversation, thinking none of the children would hear. One of them said to the other, “Look at the island over there, don’t you wish we could go there and be alone without all these kids and any responsibility?” The other leader responded, “Yes, but just think, tonight when everyone is asleep, we can finally be alone together.” I felt betrayed! Here I thought I was loved, and that is why she had been stroking my hair, only to find out she was doing this to make me fall asleep so they could be alone. As usual, I felt I was not wanted, no matter where I went. 

Instantly, I thought of Elisabeth. I couldn’t wait to go back home and hold her. I felt she was the only person who truly wanted and needed me. I was also in disbelief over the conversation I had just overheard. I felt sorry for their spouses who were at home, waiting for their return. I wondered if this meant they would get divorced. 

When the week was up, and we were back at the bus station, I watched these two leaders as they greeted their spouses. They both acted as if nothing had happened. I realized I had to keep this awful secret. It could be devastating for both families to learn what had happened while we had all been at camp. 

Sunday, December 13, 1970 

Sander turned 12, so he was told he could no longer go to the Part-Time Home. After school, he had to go home and take care of himself. Mom also told me that I could no longer go to the Part-Time Home. Instead, she had made arrangements for her friend Gyda’s mom to watch me. I hated being at her house. I was given strict instructions not to touch anything while I was there. She had no toys, and there were no other kids to play with. I was extremely bored at her house. I ended up sitting in a corner waiting for the time to pass. I don’t know why Mom had decided this lady should watch me. At the end of the day, I was relieved when it was time to take my bike and go home. The best part of the whole day was seeing Elisabeth. 

Mom had talked Bent into coming to Denmark for Christmas. Sander and I didn’t have to go to school today because we were going with Mom and Elisabeth to pick Bent up at the airport. When Bent got off the plane, he didn’t seem happy to see us. We found a nearby bench where we sat so he could get a closer look at his daughter. He looked tired as he held her in his arms for the first time. 

When the weekend came, I was allowed to go with Sander to see Dad, because Mom wanted to be alone with Bent. I was so happy to see Dad again, but he didn’t seem to care whether I was there or not. Of course, I had no idea at the time that it was because Mom had him convinced I hated being with him. I just thought he wasn’t too excited to see me because I was stupid and ugly. However, I was still content to be with Dad once again, and it seemed his girlfriend, Henny, was happy to be with me, and together, we had a fun time. 

When it was time for Dad to drop us off at Mom’s, I looked at Dad. I wanted him to hug me tight just like he used to. Instead, as I looked into his eyes. He looked sad. I had no idea his pain was because Mom had told him I didn’t like him or wanted to be with him. I thought it was because he didn’t like me. I wanted to throw my arms around Dad and apologize for being such a disappointment to him. Since I didn’t want to add any more pain to Dad, I held back the tears and said a quick bye. I’m sure Dad thought my sadness was because I didn’t want to be with him. I wonder if Mom will ever know the heartache she put us both through.

At the time, I didn’t know this would be the last time I’d see my dad for a very long time.

I hurried into the apartment where I thought Mom would be waiting for Sander and me. 

Once I got inside, I noticed that Grandma Helfred was there to watch us. Mom had gone with Bent to Skive so they could show his parents the new baby. I thought it was strange that Sander and I didn’t go on the trip. After all, weren’t we a part of this new family? I went to my room and held the doll that Dad had once given me. I held it for a long time as I was trying to cope with the pain and confusion I was feeling inside. Grandma was happy to see me, so she didn’t let me be by myself for too long. 

Mom came back from Skive without Bent because he had gone back to Canada. I asked her why we weren’t allowed to come along to Skive. Mom told me Bent’s parents didn’t know that Mom had been married before. Mom told me that on this trip, she had told them about us even though Bent didn’t want her to. She then said, “Maybe someday you could come to Skive and meet Elisabeth’s grandparents.” It felt like Mom and Bent were ashamed of Sander and me, and we weren’t supposed to exist. 

Now that Elisabeth had met her grandparents, I began to wonder about mine. The next time I saw Dad, I asked him why we never saw his parents. Dad said he didn’t know much about his dad since his parents had been divorced when he was little. He told me that his mother had no interest in getting a visit from Sander or me. I was still curious to know what my grandmother was like. Mom had told me a lot of bad things about her. I started to think it was probably better that I didn’t visit her. I had seen her when I was a baby, but I didn’t have any memory of her. Mom had a few pictures of Grandma Lund. Whenever I was home alone, I would often pull these pictures out and look at them, hoping I would someday get to meet her again. 

March 1971 

I had been having trouble with my tonsils. The doctor told Mom to take me to see a specialist. The specialist suggested I have them removed as soon as possible. He told us I would have to stay in the hospital for a few days after the operation. Mom didn’t want to miss any time off from work. Since Spring Break was coming up, she thought this would be the perfect time for me to have the operation. 

Even though Sander and I were no longer going to the Part-Time Home, Mom had still made arrangements with them so that Sander and I would be going on the spring camping trip they had planned. I missed some of the kids at the Part-Time Home, so I was disappointed to miss out on the camping trip. The doctor could see the disappointment on my face, so he told me I would be getting a lot of ice cream to eat while I was in the hospital. This sounded great! I thought maybe it won’t be all that bad to have my tonsils taken out. 

Sander went off to camp. Mom went with Elisabeth on vacation. And I went to the hospital. I was nervous about having the operation done, mainly because I was all alone. When it was all over, Grandma came to visit me in the hospital. 

While I was in the hospital for a few days, the ice cream I had been promised never came. Only food that was easy for me to swallow. When it was time for me to be released, Grandma came to pick me up. The doctor told Grandma that I was to take it easy and only eat soft foods. Together we walked home. 

When we got home, Grandma felt bad for me, so she asked me if I wanted to go to Tivoli (a nearby amusement park). This seemed like a good idea at the time, so we took the bus and then the train to get there. Grandma and I had lots of fun on all the rides, and we ate lots of candy. When we got home, my throat hurt terribly. I never knew my throat could be in so much pain. Grandma felt bad and was worried that Mom would never let her watch me again. I had to promise Grandma I would never tell Mom about this day. I knew Grandma was right, so I kept our secret. 

April 1971 

Mom read a story to Sander and me in English. We didn’t understand a word of it, or why she was reading it to us. We both questioned it. Mom told us it was good to learn another language. When she had finished reading the story, she asked us if we would like to live in Canada. Both Sander and I assured her we would love to visit, but we would never want to live there permanently. 

That weekend, when Sander went to Dad’s place, he told Dad that Mom had read a story to us in English and asked what we thought about living in Canada. Dad told Sander that if we were ever taken to the airport, to run to the nearest person and tell them we were being kidnapped, and then scream and yell for help. He explained that he had part custody of us, so she couldn’t legally take us out of the country. 

Yard Sale 

Mom held a yard sale. Sander asked her if we were moving to Canada. Mom said, “No, we are just going on a vacation, but it’s a secret vacation, so you can’t tell anyone about it.” Sander thought about telling Dad, but he was afraid we would not be able to go on this seemingly exciting vacation. After all, surely Mom wouldn’t lie to us. 

I was sad to see a lot of my possessions being carried off. Mom told me not to worry about it because someday I would get new stuff that would replace the things she had just sold. She told me they had much more exciting stuff in Canada. I was confused. I wondered if maybe we would buy new things and then send everything back to Denmark. Because I trusted Mom, I didn’t question her any further. 

Mom couldn’t get us out of the country without Dad’s permission, so she changed our last name to Ramsdahl, which was Bent’s last name. In June 1971, when Bent came back from Canada, he signed that he was our dad. 

The authorities gave Mom a passport for both Sander and me. It was never questioned, after all, we had the same last name as Bent and Mom.