{"id":21733,"date":"2026-05-29T17:41:04","date_gmt":"2026-05-29T17:41:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.annemettehowland.net\/?p=21733"},"modified":"2026-05-30T15:31:53","modified_gmt":"2026-05-30T15:31:53","slug":"chapter-172-princess","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.annemettehowland.net\/?p=21733","title":{"rendered":"Chapter 172 Princess"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Friday, June 1, 2018<\/strong>

I was approved to see the therapist who specializes in C-PTSD. When I called to make an appointment, she was already booked, but due to the severity of my condition, she said I could come in early on Monday.

Saturday, June 2, 2018<\/strong>

There were a couple of ladies in the neighborhood who had heard about my preschool. They came over to see if they could sign up their kids for the fall.

As we were talking, I disconnected. Since I had disconnected, I had no idea what we had been talking about. I was embarrassed. I apologized. It was the worst feeling in the world! Luckily, they knew me because we were in the same ward and still signed up their kids.

I wondered what was happening to me and why I couldn’t control it.

Monday, June 4, 2018<\/strong>

I had my first appointment with the Therapist this morning. Since I had little sleep and kept disconnecting, I was unable to drive. Richard took a few hours off from work so that he could take me.

In the waiting room, there was a waterfall on one side of the room. Hearing the water running was making me a nervous wreck. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait long.

Trisha, the Therapist, had Ricard wait in the waiting room. As we were talking, she said that she had the water running because it helped calm people. She had never known it to make people nervous.

Through the therapy, I learned it was because when I lived in Canada, I would get in trouble if my stepdad heard the water running for what he thought was too long, then he would bang on the door and say, “That’s enough!” It was amazing to me to discover so much about myself.

She wanted to know what my first concerns were. I told her I didn’t know why I couldn’t remember things. Then I described it to her. She told me it was called disconnecting. I had never heard about it before. She asked if I had ever been tired and driven home, then when you get home, you don’t remember driving. It’s the same thing that happens when you disconnect. You have been living in survival mode for so long, and the body can only handle so much.

We also talked about my nightmares and the flashbacks. She told me the first thing I needed to do was not have anything to do with my mom. I had no problem alminating her. I wanted to do that a long time ago! Hopefully, I’ll never have to see her again as long as I live. Trisha wanted to see me once a week, and then, as I progressed, once a month.

Monday, June 25, 2018<\/strong>

During my weekly therapy sessions, Trisha always brings up the idea of me getting a dog. I have told her that’s out of the question. She said it would be good to have it next to me when I have a nightmare to help me wake up and then be there for me.

I really don’t want a dog, but for fun, I went online to see what kind of dog I would like. It had to be a female so I could dress her up. She would have to be older, so she would be done chewing things apart and potty trained. It would have to be a teacup puppy since they don’t seem very aggressive. They were pricy, so she would have to be free.

After going over the list of what the dog would have to be like, I thought, “Looks like I won’t be getting a dog.” I was kind of relieved since I didn’t want one.

Richard is still driving me back and forth to get therapy since I still have a way to go before I can drive myself.

Saturday, July 2, 2018<\/strong>

While I was working in the yard today, I went into the shed to get something from the top shelf. As I was standing on the ladder, a girl from the neighborhood came to see me. She’s the sweetest girl and calls me farmor.

While I was standing on the ladder, I had not heard her coming. She said, “Hi, Farmor!” Since it startled me, I let out a blood-curdling scream and almost fell off the ladder. When I was done screaming, I looked down at her. She was just as startled by hearing my scream. She got scared and started crying. I got off the ladder, and I held her. I apologized. It took her a while to calm down. I felt so awful about it.

Over the years, I have always gotten upset with myself for not being able to control it when I get startled. I would ask myself, why are you so stupid? Why must you do this every time?! I would tell myself I would do better next time, only to scream just as loud since I couldn’t control it.

I wish therapy could help me control it. But I learned there is no cure, so instead of getting upset, I need to accept that it’s part of the C-PTSD. I wish it didn’t have to affect other people when it happens.

Saturday, July 7, 2018<\/strong>

I turned 57 today. Richard gave me a present. It’s a doorbell that he will put in the backyard window. When someone rings the doorbell in the front, I will be able to hear it in the back. Then I’ll know someone is coming, so I won’t be startled. The best part was that there were different sounds to choose from. I chose the harp because it has the softest sound.

The present was perfect, and so thoughtful of him. He even put a note on the side gate saying, “In order not to startle Anne-Mette, ring the doorbell in front. She will hear it in the back and know that you are coming.”

Monday, July 9, 2018<\/strong>

As I was working in the yard, I suddenly heard a loud train horn coming from the doorbell. To say it scared me half to death would be putting it mildly!

I didn’t know how to change the sound, so I wrote a new note saying, “Please don’t push the doorbell,” and taped it to the front door. Then I called Richard to ask what that was all about. He said, “I am so sorry! I must have put it on the wrong setting. I will fix it when I get home.”

At the time, I didn’t know it was a simple fix from his phone. <\/em><\/em>

Saturday, July 14, 2018<\/strong>

Richard finally changed the sound since I kept reminding him. Part of me wondered if he had put that sound on purpose. But then I felt bad for thinking it because he loved me. He had been so thoughtful in choosing the present, so there was no way he would harm me deliberately.

Monday, July 23, 2018<\/strong>

As Richard and I were driving home from the therapist, I asked him, “Do you think my dog has been listed on KSL?” He responded, “I don’t know, why don’t you look?” To be silly, I did. I couldn’t believe it, an older female Tea cup poddle had just been listed 7 minutes ago. Then I put my phone away. Richard asked, “Aren’t you going to let the person know that you want it?” I responded, “No, I don’t want a dog! It was just an intrusive though and I was just kidding.” He said, “But it was posted 7 minutes ago; that must mean it’s yours.”

For some reason, 7 seems to follow me.

I got out my phone. It says 21 minutes now, so I guess it’s not my dog after all. As I was putting my phone back in my purse, Richard said, “Oh, just respond to it!” I thought, I guess no harm in that, since I was sure by now someone had already requested it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Instantly, I got a message back that I could come pick her up right away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

When we picked her up, the lady told me it used to belong to her grandma, who had passed away. No one in the family had time for her, and that’s why they were giving her away. She added, seconds after I got your message: “You won’t believe how many people asked for her!” I felt lucky to have her and that she was meant for me.

I called Laila to tell her I got a dog. She and her husband came out right away so that she could have a look at her. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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In the past, it had always been Laila who gave our dogs a bath. Since I had no clue what to do, she showed me.

Ugh. I wish she lived closer. It’s so gross to me and just not my thing.

<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

\n

Her name is Peaches, and she came with her own bed. She was tired but afraid to sleep because she was in a new place. <\/p>\n<\/div>

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Tuesday, July 24, 2018<\/strong>

Richard is off today, since it’s Pioneer Day. He asked me what I needed help with, so we went outside so I could show him. While we were outside, I couldn’t believe how loud Peaches was whining. It sounded awful, and she wouldn’t stop.

I came back inside. I didn’t want to bring her outside with me since it was so hot. I soon discovered she would get stressed out if she couldn’t see me.

Great, I thought she was here to help me with my anxiety. Looks like she is the one who needs help. Ugh.. I really don’t have time for that.

When Richard saw what I needed help with, he said he would do it once he was done with some other things he had to do first.

When it was time for bed, Richard apologized for never getting around to the things I needed help with. He assured me that now that he knew what I needed him to do, he would get to them as soon as he could.

Even though Peaches wines as soon as she can’t see me, she still prefers to be by herself. But she seems fine as long as she knows I am in the room. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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She seems depressed. I’m sure she misses her previous owner. Hopefully, she will get used to me soon. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Wednesday, July 25, 2018<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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I took Peaches to the Vet and then to the groomer. Then we stopped by the pet store and got her a dress.

Seeing her in the dress, and with the way she acts, I have decided to name her Princess.
<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Thursday, July 26, 2018<\/strong>

I was excited to tell my Therapist about Princess and how I got her. When I told her about it, she said, “I swear, I don’t know anyone who has more God moments than you.” I told her it was because I needed it more than other people. She responded, “Yes, otherwise I don’t know how else you could have made it this far in life.” Then we both laughed.

She said, in all seriousness, with everything I have learned, you should either be a sex addict, a drug addict, a food addict, an alcoholic, or a shopaholic. Your God moments are the only things that make sense to me, why you are doing as well as you are.

Trisha hypnotized me today. When she took me back to my childhood and had me tell her about something that had happened, I started speaking Danish. She had to wake me up. Then she said, “It makes sense that you are speaking Danish since that’s the language that was spoken when you were a child. But I need you to speak English so that I know what you are saying.” Then he brought me back in time again.

When I woke up, she said, “It’s common that when you are traumatized as a child, you often get stuck at that age. It looks to me like the worst thing that happened to you was when your mom kidnapped you and your brother and brought you to Canada.

I was floored that she knew that about me because I thought I was crazy, and it was MY secret. It was something I was never going to tell anyone! I had always thought that if I acted and talked like a grown-up, then no one would know.

When I watched the movie Catch Me If You Can, it further confirmed to me that as long as you act the part, you can get away with it!

It was exhausting when I went to bed because I would analyze the day to make sure I had acted like a grown-up and try to correct anything I thought I had done wrong so that I would do things differently next time.

I asked Trisha why I was able to do the manager’s job when I worked at the hospital, and it was no problem. She told me it was because I enjoyed it, and it didn’t start with me having the responsibility. Therefore, by the time I got the full responsibility, I wasn’t threatened by it.

Trisha said it will take some work, but she would be able to get me up to my current age.

When I left her office, I was so excited to know for sure that I wasn’t crazy and that my secret that I had kept for so many years was normal for someone who had been traumatized.

When I got home, I delivered some papers for the preschool parents. For the first time in my adult life, I wasn’t acting like a grown-up because I was grown up. It came naturally to me!

It was mindblowing for me to realize that it was me the whole time who had taken classes and learned all about childcare and their development. I realized so many things. It was so freeing not to have to analyze everything I had done during the day. I was the adult the whole time.

This would explain why I couldn’t drive whenever I had too many tiggers. Stupid, dumb little girls who are dumber than snot can’t drive. It was exciting to realize I was not a stupid, dumb little girl, and I was NOT dumber than snot.

With the help of Trisha, the inner child in me would finally grow up!

Thursday, August 2, 2018<\/strong>

Richard said, I should be able to drive myself to see Trisha today. I was scared and didn’t feel ready. The nightmares had stopped, and I wasn’t disconnecting. But I didn’t know if I was fully able to let go of the little girl. Richard assured me that I would be just fine and left for work.

Since he had already let me know yesterday that he wouldn’t take me, I had called Beth to see if she would mind bringing me today.

I knew it was a lot to ask of her because she had to drive an hour to my house, then an hour to the therapist, then an hour to bring me back, and one more hour to drive back home. That was a total of 4 hours.

Beth said she wouldn’t mind. Hopefully, after today, I will be able to drive myself.

When we got to the therapist, Beth waited in the waiting room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today’s session just happened to be about that Christmas, when Sander had beaten me, and no one had come to help me. When I told Trisha that I was reliving it every Christmas, and that whenever I brought it up, everyone around me would always tell me to stop talking about it and get over it. Trisha said, “That’s your sister in the waiting room, right? Let’s bring her in since she was there that evening.”

Beth came in. This time, she was forced to talk about it. As Beth was talking, she started crying. It was eye-opening to me to hear her account of what had happened that evening and how it had traumatized her. She said I was 7 years old and thought, I am listening to my sister’s cries for help, but I don’t know what to do. I am about to hear her die, and I don’t know how to stop it from happening. She had struggled all these years to block it out. She had wondered why she had not been able to step forward to help me.

The way the therapy session was going, it sounded like Beth needed the therapy more than I did.

Trisha helped us understand that we were both victims of our circumstances.

All these years, I struggled to understand why she hadn’t done something to help me, and she had struggled with why she hadn’t. She had tried to block it out, only for me to bring it up again and again.

I am so glad that Beth was able to take me today. Without her, I would not have been able to understand it from her perspective. It was meant to be! Another God moment in my life.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018<\/strong>

9 Months ago, Richard moved to the basement. He said it’s because our mattress is too hard. So we got a new one.

Now he says the one we bought is too soft. I tell him I never imagined being married and then sleeping in a different room from my husband. He assures me that he loves me and leaves me sweet notes with treats in the drawer of my nightstand. He says we will get a new mattress soon.

Whenever I go somewhere, I feel bad about leaving Princess’s home. I feel like she needs a therapist of her own to help her deal with her anxiety. It’s kind of ironic that I got her to help me. My nightmares have gotten better, and here she is, waking me up because she is having nightmares. I have to wake her up to reassure her that even though her previous owner is gone, I am still here. At least I can empathize with what she is going through. We make quite the pair.

Since Richard is no longer sleeping next to me at night, I don’t have to worry about Princess waking him up. Hopefully, by the time we get a new mattress, she will have worked through her nightmares. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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I woke up during the night because it bothered me that Richard had moved downstairs. We have bought two mattresses, and neither is the right one for him.

Even though he surprises me with sweet notes and candy, something still seems off to me. It’s probably just me overthinking it.

<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

I tried to be grateful that, at least now, there is room for Princess’s bed next to me in my bed.

Thursday, August 9, 2018<\/strong>

All week, Beth called me to talk about that awful Christmas. I thought it was interesting that here I was over it, and now she needed to talk about it. I guess it’s because she is finally allowing herself to process it.

I was able to drive myself to the therapist today. It feels good to know I am making progress.








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