{"id":2797,"date":"2024-03-17T04:06:04","date_gmt":"2024-03-17T04:06:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.annemettehowland.net\/?p=2797"},"modified":"2026-04-05T00:18:16","modified_gmt":"2026-04-05T00:18:16","slug":"painful-memories-chapter-137","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.annemettehowland.net\/?p=2797","title":{"rendered":"Chapter 137 Painful Memories"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Tuesday, January 22, 2008<\/strong>

Laila started high school today. After everything that she has gone through, she has become the most compassionate, caring person I have ever known. I worried about her because she has also become quiet and docile. But she was ready for school and for new challenges. She has a good head on her shoulders, so I shouldn’t worry as much as I do. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It sounds like her first day of public school went well.

Beth and I are mentioned in Bent’s will. Bent has asked Beth and me to sell his house and split the proceeds, including everything in the house. Sander was upset that he had not been mentioned.

Sander went and talked to a lawyer to see what he could do to get the money. Beth and I have always said that we would share the money with Sander if his name were not in the will. Since Sander has been so awful about it, he will get nothing.

Now that Sander has talked to a lawyer, he realizes that he is not getting anything. Sander called up both Beth and me. He left a message on Beth’s answering machine, apologizing to her for all the death threats, because he didn’t mean it.

Sander called me and said, “If I were the only one named in the will, you know I would have shared with you!” I wanted to say, “Are you kidding me?” I told Sander I didn’t know what would happen in the future, and then I hurried off the phone.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008<\/strong>

Beth called to tell me that after Bent shot himself, it had left quite a mess. It was going to be expensive to have a company clean it up. Since neither of us could afford it, we would go back together and take care of it ourselves.

I felt sick about it afterward, but I knew it had to be done. When we get there, I will just have to pull myself together and get it done as quickly as possible!

Thursday, January 24, 2008<\/strong>

I had been waiting for Beth to call and tell me when we were going to Canada. I knew the longer we waited to clean up the mess, the worse it would be.

Beth called to tell me that Bent’s house insurance would cover the cost of the cleanup. Man, was I relieved to hear that!

Saturday, February 2, 2008<\/strong>

Beth, Kevin, Richard, and I got time off work for a week to go to Canada. Johny came with us. Laila stayed home since she started high school. We are going to clean out Bent’s house so that we can put it up for sale.

Jared and his wife are staying at our house for the week so that Laila won’t be home alone.

It is a long drive to Vancouver, so we started the day off early this morning.

After driving all day, we spent the night at one of Kevins relitives.

Sunday, February 3, 2008<\/strong>

After eating breakfast, we continued on our way. It was a long, scary drive because we drove right into a snowstorm. When we finally got to Canada, it was late evening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We were going to sleep at Bent’s house. When we got there, we all thought it would be too scary to spend the night. We found a cheap motel and checked in for the night.

Monday, February 4, 2008<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the morning, it was hard to get Kenvin and Beth out of bed. I was surprised that they weren’t as anxious as we were to get the house cleaned up so that we could be done with it.

Since Keving and Beth were in no hurry, I did some schoolwork with Johny while we waited for them to get up. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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When we got to the house, it was strange to see that the house looked the same as it always had.

When I looked up at what was once my bedroom window, a flood of memories came back.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

When we got inside the house, it was scary. We decided we’d better bless it before we got started.

The whole place is such a mess! It was clear that someone had ransacked the place in search of something valuable. All the drawers in the dressers were dumped out and left on the floor.

I wondered who it could have been, because only two people had a key to the house. But I didn’t want to think about it or accept who could have left it in such a whirlwind.

As we were working, it didn’t seem like we were getting anywhere or making any difference. It was so discouraging!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I asked Johny to come with me upstairs to see my old room. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was so strange to see it again after all these years! Everything looked the same! I had bought paint and tried to fix it up when I was 13. I was surprised that it was never repainted. It was the same bed, with the same curtains. It looked the same as it had back then. This was the room I was confined to without food or water.

As I looked around the room. Memories I didn’t know I had came flooding back. I told Johny that if he shut the door, there should be stickers I had put on it when I was a child. I even describe the stickers. Johny then shut the door. Sure enough, there they were!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was not prepared for what happened next.

I was pulled back in time. Now that the door was shut, I was a bad little girl who wasn’t allowed out of the room. I was trapped! I would not be allowed food or water. I wanted to escape, but couldn’t! I was reliving things that had taken place and names I had been called. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I felt sick, and my whole body got hot. It was more than I could bear! I started to pass out. As I was falling, Johny caught me. He was concerned and called out, “Mom, are you okay?!” His voice brought me back to the present. I held on to him and said, “I need a minute!” Johny could tell it was hard on me, so he sat on my old bed with me so that I could catch my breath. I was so grateful he was there by my side!

After we had sat there for a few minutes, I told Johny I was ready to empty the room. But for him to make sure not to shut the door or to leave my sight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the room next to mine, there were boxes of Christmas decorations I had made. They were faded and worn out. I was surprised Bent had kept them.

Then Johny and I went into Sander’s old room. It was here Bent had shot himself. We looked around, then Johny said, “Look, Mom!” He pointed to the ceiling, where some blood spatters remained. They had been overlooked by the cleaning crew. It was so surreal. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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I walked over to the window and looked out into the backyard.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

I told Johny that when I was locked upstairs, I used to come to this room and look out that window. I could see Bent walking around freely. I would wonder how I could kill him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I felt guilty that Bent had killed himself in that very room where I had so often fantasized about how I could kill him. It was strange to think that it ended up happening by his own doing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As I was looking out the window, I had to take a deep breath and tell myself that it was not my fault and that I had nothing to do with his death!

After we had cleaned out part of the upstairs, Johny and I went downstairs to help clean Bent’s office.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In Bent’s desk, there were notes and pictures that I had drawn.

I couldn’t believe Bent had kept my drawing and notes. One of the drawings was of me in my bed, and my room was cleaned up. There was a vase on the table with fresh-cut flowers. On the back of the pictures I had written, I will be a good girl. I am hungry. Can I come out now? The notes were in a child’s handwriting. It was in Danish, and the spelling was wrong. It made me cry because it brought back a flood of memories.

I remembered slipping that drawing under the living room door, where Bent was sitting, thinking he would see that I was sincere about being a good girl.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Over the years, while we lived there, he never responded to any of my notes or pictures. That’s why I was so surprised to see that he had kept them.

Beth was in the office, going through some pictures her dad had taken of her. She was crying because the pictures held happy memories. I was crying because I was mourning the little girl inside me who had suffered so much while we had lived there. I found it ironic that we were both crying, but for opposite reasons.

Kevin, Beth, Richard, and I were putting papers aside for shredding. I asked everyone NOT to put my drawings or notes into the shredder.

I should have put them in my purse right away. Instead, I put my papers aside because I trusted that everyone would respect my wishes.

As I was cleaning up, I noticed my pile of papers was gone. I asked everyone in the room where they were. No one seemed to know. Then I said, “They were important to me! I wanted to save them for my journal.” Beth yelled, “You need to get over your past!” I tried calmly to defend myself. Then Beth yelled, “Yes, we all know I got to drink REAL milk and eat what I wanted while YOU had to suffer! I AM SORRY, you just need to get over it!”

I got angry and wanted to yell back. Then I remembered that Beth was pregnant, and I didn’t want her to lose the baby, so I didn’t say anything. Besides, the papers were gone. No amount of yelling was going to bring them back.

I was angry and hurt that my papers were lost and that my wishes had been ignored. They were part of my past, and shredding them wasn’t going to erase what had happened to me!

Kevin wasn’t very helpful. He mainly ran around the house, hoping to find money hidden somewhere. Bent had always said he had millions, and Kevin seemed determined to find them.

While we were there, Kjeld stopped by. It was strange to see him again after 30 years. Kjeld cried as he talked about Bent. He told me in detail how he had found him and what he had seen. He was clearly traumatized by it.

Both Kevin and Kjeld seemed disappointed that there weren’t millions of dollars left behind.

While we were there, I was surprised by how many of Bent’s friends came, took what they wanted, and then left again.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008<\/strong>

Today started just like it had yesterday. Richard and I started to worry because there was so much work to do at the house, but Kevin and Beth were in no hurry.

When we got to the house, Richard and I knew at the speed we were going, there was no way we could get the house cleaned in time before we had to go back.

Richard told Kevin that we couldn’t do this on our own and that we needed help with all the work that had to get done. Richard then called 1-800-Got-Junk.

5 people from the company showed up with a large truck, ready to help us.
The people were friendly and worked fast. It cost $600.00 for each truckload.

Beth wasn’t much help since she was pregnant, so she just walked around looking at everything.

While she walked around, she found a LARGE jar full of money. It had Canadian coins and dollar bills.

Beth proudly handed me the jar. It was heavy! She said, “Now, we can afford to go to the candy store that is at the end of the street. We can buy whatever we want!”

When I was a child, I could never afford to buy candy. It was comforting to know that when we were done, we could go buy as much as we wanted. Beth and I were excited about it!

Beth left the room; she must have gone to tell Kevin about the jar because he came running. I proudly held up the jar to show Kevin. I was shocked by what happened next!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kevin grabbed the jar out of my hands and put it behind his back as if he was trying to hide it. I wanted to say, “You do know I have seen it?”

Since I didn’t know how to react to Kevin’s behavior, I kept cleaning. Later, I told Beth how Kevin had reacted when I showed him the money. Beth casually said, “Oh, he didn’t mean anything by it.” When it got late, we went out to eat.

When we got back to the motel, I asked Kevin if he was going to divide the money between us. Kevin said he would do it later because it had to be documented and turned over to the lawyer. I wanted to ask him if he really thought I was that stupid. I didn’t say anything because I was determined not to fight over money.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008<\/strong>

This morning started just like all the others. Richard told Kevin and Beth they had to hurry because the people from 1-800 were going to meet us at the house, and they couldn’t start working without us. It was so frustrating to start each morning like this! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

While we were working, Kevin came over to me and handed me 5 Canadian dollars. I asked him what it was for. He said it was for half the money in the jar. I was shocked! I wanted to tell him where to stick it. I knew it would start a fight, so I put the money in my back pocket and kept working. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was insulted that he would think I would believe this was half the amount in the jar!

We found World War II weapons. Johny wanted to keep at least one of them. The will said that Beth and I were to share everything. But Keaven didn’t want to and kept anything valuable. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Johny was frustrated. I let him know that I was too, but that it was not worth fighting about, so Johny didn’t say anything.

Thursday, February 7, 2008<\/strong>

This morning started the same as the others had. When we finally got to the house, 5 people were waiting for us so we could get started.

As we worked, we finally saw an end in sight. By the end of another long day, the house was empty!

The house was ready to be put on the market. If it had not been for the help of 1-800-Got-Junk, there was no way we could have accomplished it!

It ended up being 5 truckloads. Bent used to bring home all kinds of free stuff that he had found. And now we had to pay $3000.00 to get rid of it.

In Bent’s will, it said he wanted to get cremated and that his loved ones could do with his ashes what they wished.

Beth had his ashes in a box. When Beth was a child, she loved going to Stanley Park with her dad. She had decided that was where we were going to put him.

I asked Beth why she didn’t want to put the ashes near her home so that she could visit him. She said, “No! He didn’t want to leave Canada, so this is where he was staying!”

When we got to Stanley Park, it was starting to get dark, and the weather was fine. Beth found a spot where she wanted to put his ashes. It was by some trees.

As we walked towards the trees, it slowly started to rain. The second Beth was dumping out the ashes, a huge gust of wind came, and blew the ashes in our faces. We all held our breath. As hard as we tried, we still got some of it in our mouths and into our noses.

It made me wonder whether it had been a coincidence or if Bent was there, letting us know this was not where we wanted to be.

Kevin started to dedicate the spot where Beth had dumped the ashes. Just as Kevin had said Bent’s full name, thunder hit just above us. Then the rain came down hard! It was so creepy! I was sure Bent wanted to let us know he was there!

Kevin hurried and said the prayer. We all said a quick goodbye, then ran as fast as we could. By the time we got inside the Surban, we were all soaking wet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We couldn’t believe what we had all just witnessed. We were all sure that Bent had let his precence known.

Friday, February 8, 2008<\/strong>

Richard, Johny, and I had free breakfast at the motel. We wanted to head out to see a little of Vancouver before we had to go back to Utah.

It was even harder to get Beth and Kevin up than it had been the days before. Since Beth and Kevin had missed the free breakfast, we had to go find a restaurant so they could get something to eat. It was so frustrating traveling with them!

Vancouver looked so different than when I had lived there as a child. So many new buildings and a lot more people. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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It was so exciting to take Johny to see the old steam clock. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I never imagined it would be under these circumstances.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

There were a few more places that I had wanted to see, but we weren’t able to because so much time had been wasted this morning.

In the evening, we meet up with some of Bent’s old friends at a restaurant since we didn’t have a funeral. Beth thought this was a good way for his friends to say goodbye to her dad. While we were eating, Beth wanted everyone to share a memory we had of Bent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When it was my turn, I knew I couldn’t share what was in my heart, so I just said that I was his stepdaughter. I don’t remember saying much else. It was akward. I was glad when my turn was over. We then went back to the motel to spend one last night there.

Saturday, February 9, 2008<\/strong>

When we had packed up and were ready to leave, Beth wanted to stop by the candy store. When we got there, I was surprised to see how expensive everything was. The candy I wanted was more than the $5.00 Kevin had so generously given me.

Neither Richard nor I had any Canadian money, and we didn’t want to spend any more money than we already had on this trip since we were trying to get out of debt.

We waited for Beth and Kevin while they picked out whatever they wanted. They were paying in all coins. It was obvious that the money they were using had come from the jar that Beth had found. But I didn’t say anything.

I thought it was ironic that the whole time we had lived in Canada, Beth always got whatever she wanted or needed. Here we were again. Even though Bent was dead, nothing had changed.

We drove the rest of the day. By evening, we found a hotel to rest for the night. Beth was miserable from all the candy that she had eaten.

Sunday, February 10, 2008<\/strong>

We drove most of the day through a lot of snow. It was scary. It was late evening by the time we got back to Utah.






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Tuesday, January 22, 2008 Laila started high school today. After everything that she has gone through, she has become the most compassionate, caring person I have ever known. I worried about her because she has also become quiet and docile. But she was ready for school and for new challenges. She has a good head […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2797","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.annemettehowland.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2797","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.annemettehowland.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.annemettehowland.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.annemettehowland.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.annemettehowland.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2797"}],"version-history":[{"count":249,"href":"https:\/\/www.annemettehowland.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2797\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":17838,"href":"https:\/\/www.annemettehowland.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2797\/revisions\/17838"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.annemettehowland.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2797"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.annemettehowland.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2797"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.annemettehowland.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2797"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}