Tuesday, August 1, 1995
Laila is now 2 years and 7 months old. She is such a beautiful little girl. I wish Laila could talk more so I could better understand what it is she is dealing with and why she is having such a hard time. It’s hard to keep her dressed. She hates to wear clothes. I get her dressed and a few seconds later, she is naked again. When I go to dress her again, she creams because she doesn’t want to wear clothes. I turn around, and she is naked again.
Between her fits, she seems like a normal little girl. There are even times she can be so cute. She loves Johny and enjoys getting him a diaper whenever I need one. Getting her to eat food seems impossible! I am still nursing her. I nurse both her and Johny at the same time. While I nurse they hold hands.
I wonder if they are both getting enough nutrients. The doctor says they are both growing just fine and have a healthy weight.
I try to put Laila’s hair into a ponytail, but she rips it right out. I call her my wild woman because that’s what she looks like.
Sarah, on the other hand, always lets me do her hair. With Laila being so demanding, I try not to forget about Sarah. Sarah is 7 and loves to play pretend. When there are quiet moments, Sarah and I pretend that we are neighbors. We come to visit each other and have a tea party.
Sarah loves to write down her thoughts on paper. I find notes all over the house. Some of her notes make me laugh. Other times, they make me cry. I can tell I need to pay more attention to her. It’s hard since Laila is so demanding and takes up so much of my time.
Johny is now 8 months old. He is such a good baby and man, and I am grateful for that!
Jared will be 10 in a few days. He always does what he can to help me with his siblings and everything else that needs to get done. He never complains. I don’t know if he understands how much he means to me! I worry that sometimes I ask too much of him. I don’t know what I would do without him!
These past few weeks have been harder than usual because I am trying to pack our stuff so that we can move. I can’t wait for Richard to come home so that I can get some help. When Richard finally comes home, he couldn’t care less about what needs to get done. He either goes swimming, bike riding, or jogging. He says he is training for a triathlon.
Today, I let Richard know how much I needed his help. Richard responded, “It was not my idea to have two more kids. I was happy with the two we had!” Then he went out the door.
Wednesday, August 2, 1995
I tried to pack and take care of Johny and Laila at the same time. Both Johny and Laila were crying. I held one in each arm and sat on the bed. I couldn’t calm either one of them down. Everything I needed to get done was overwhelming. I felt so hopeless, so I sat holding both of them as I cried too. Packing all our stuff was impossible. It seemed like the day was never going to end.
When Richard finally came home from work, I tried to get him to understand how hard my day had been. As he was changing into his jogging outfit, I told him I needed his help. Richard just ignored me. Then I told him that in every season there was a time, and right now was not the season or the time for him to pursue his own interests.
As Richard headed out the door, he said, “You fucking Bitch! It was your idea to move, not mine!” I cried as I watched him leave. When I turned, I saw Jared standing there. He had seen and heard the whole thing. Jared came over and put his arms around me.
From that moment on, Jared worked even harder to help me with his siblings, cleaning and packing. I could not have done it without him!
As I packed our things, I wanted to pack the kids and my things separately from Richard’s. If I had the money and the courage, I would have packed everything into two different piles. I would have told Richard that we were through. Since I didn’t have the courage or the money, I did all I could to stay strong. I offered up an awful lot of prayers, wondering if the Heavenly Father could hear me.
Sunday, August 6, 1995
After church, Richard, the children, and I drove to Tooele to see if that’s where we belonged. That town didn’t seem right either. On the way back, we drove past Stansbury. We knew this was where people went golfing, and thought this must be where the rich people lived. We didn’t think we could afford a house in the neighborhood. Since we were here, we thought it would be fun to see Stansbury.
As we drove around looking at the golf course, we noticed an open house. We stopped the car and went in. We talked to a realtor. When we got outside, Richard said to me, “I have gotten two promotions, and with the money that your grandmother has put in the children’s bank accounts, we should be able to afford it.”
I told Richard that the money my grandmother had put into their accounts was meant for their future. Richard said, “We won’t be able to get the house without using their money. They are going to be living in the house too, so it should be okay that we take their money.” I told Richard I didn’t agree with it, since I had promised my grandmother that the money was for them to spend when they were older. Then Richard said that he would replace it later. Since Richard promised he would replace the money, I agreed.
We went back inside and started the process. I am excited to get a new house. They still need to build it, but we were able to pick out the lot. We also picked out the house and colors for it.
Saturday, August 12, 1995
Thanks to Jared’s help, we had everything packed in boxes ready to go. We rented a truck and will be moving everything to my mom’s place over the next two days.
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