Time spent with Dad
I loved being with Dad, he always had something fun planned for us to do while we were together. Dad took us to the park or the zoo and whatever else he thought we might enjoy. The weekends always seem to go by too fast.
Friday, April 17, 1964-My Grandfather Karl Committed Suicide
My grandfather, Karl, was home alone and had turned on the gas stove without turning on the flame. He then put his head in the oven and rested there while breathing in the gas and waited for the fumes to put him to sleep and then never wake up again. He never left a note. His death was unexpected to all who knew and loved him.
Mom cried a lot, she told us her dad had killed himself. I couldn’t understand what it meant to be dead. Every time I asked for him I was told he had gone to heaven. I would wonder when he was going to come back down to see me again. As I got older and kept asking for him, Mom finally explained to me he was never coming back again. I don’t have much memory of him, only that I missed him terribly.
Boils-1964
Shortly after my Grandpa died, I started to get red dots all over my body. They started to swell and I got very sick. Mom had to take the day off from work and bring me to the doctor. He told Mom I had boils. There are usually two reasons children come down with boils. One was poor hygiene and the other was poor nutrition. In order for them to go away she had to take me in the shower once a day and squeeze out all the infection. She was to do this every evening and then put ointment on the boils until they went away.
When we got home from the doctor, she put me in the shower and started to squeeze the boils. I screamed out of sheer pain. I was so relieved when the water was finally turned off! After she had put the ointment on she put a band-aid on each boil. By the time she was done, I was covered in band-aids.
I could not go to the daycare because of the infection. Mom had to stay home from work for the next few days, I dreaded it when she had to take me into the shower and clean out each boil. This went on until the boils had cleared up. When I got better, it was back to the daycare again.
Force Fed
When Mom had picked Sander and I up from the daycare and we had eaten dinner as usual, she told me to eat more. I told her I was full. Mom insisted I eat more, so I started to run away from the table. Mom grabbed me and then she placed a cloth diaper around my neck and put me on her lap. She put one of my arms behind her back and held my other arm tight in her fist. Then she proceeded to force-feed me. Since I was already full I started to cry, “No more!” Mom slapped my face and banged the spoon into my clutched teeth. I wanted her to stop hurting me so I opened my mouth and ate. She continued to feed me until I threw up. I was relieved to be rid of all the food she had forced in me.
When I threw up, Mom was even angrier so she hit me really hard over and over on my face. Then she forced me to eat more. I did my best to keep the food down. I started to gag. I was afraid of her hitting me again so I did all I could to hold down the food. Mom could tell I was about to throw up again, so she stopped feeding me. This became our routine every evening when we ate dinner. I hated this ordeal, but I learned not to fight it and just sit on her lap and swallow until she said I was done.
I couldn’t wait for the weekend to get here so I could go with Dad and not have to go through this nightmare. He was always so kind and gentle towards me and best of all, he never let Sander hit me.
Back to Day Care
As usual, the weekend with Dad had gone by much too fast. It was Monday and time to go back to the daycare center. Mom’s bike had a flat tire so we had to walk. On the way, Mom was holding my hand really tight. I didn’t like it. I finally twisted my hand away from her and ran as fast as I could across the street. A huge truck was coming straight towards me. The driver had to swerve to the side so that he wouldn’t run into me. He then pulled to the side of the road because he was pretty shook up. Mom ran up to me and started to yell, “Do you realize how lucky you are not to get hit by that truck!” She then proceeded to pull down my pants and started hysterically hitting my behind, over and over again.
When we got to the daycare Mom called all the caretakers over to her. She wanted all the ladies to hear what she had to say. Mom then lifted up my dress and pulled down my pants again. My bottom was exposed for everyone to see. I felt so humiliated. Mom proceeded to say, “In case any of you help Anne-Mette to the bathroom and see her bottom, I don’t want you to call the authorities. I want you to know her bottom looks like this because I had to spank her to teach her a lesson.” I could tell all eyes were on me, including all of the children who were present.
I kept to myself the rest of the day, I was sure no one would want anything to do with me. I was unable to sit down for a few days because of the beating I had received.
Doctor Visits
At the daycare center, there were regular visits from doctors and nurses. They would come by periodically and give us our shots and do a routine checkup. We were told to take off our clothes. Then we had to stand in line with only our underwear on, so we would be ready when it was our turn to have to doctor look at us. This happened often so I was used to the routine.
One day the check-up was different. When it was my turn the doctor asked me if I like to eat. I didn’t know what to say, so I just looked at him. Then he gave one of the daycare workers a piece of paper and asked her to make sure my Mom got it when she came to pick me up.
After Mom picked us up, she read the note. She then said, “This says you are overweight!” All the way home Mom and Sander made fun of me and called me names. When we got home I hid under the kitchen table. Mom told me to come out and have some more to eat. Sander stuck his head under the table and said, “Come on piggy you know you want to eat!” Then he turned to Mom and they both laughed as if it was the funniest joke they had ever heard. I thought to myself, I am going to sit under the table and starve myself to death. I sat there and cried. I was so sure I could prove to them I would never come out to eat ever again!
(It was good the doctor gave Mom the note because she never force-fead me again.)
Finally, Friday came and Dad picked us up for the weekend. Sander couldn’t wait to tell him about the doctor’s note. While I visited with Dad I used to dance in front of his T.V. because I could see my reflection on the screen, I would pretend the whole world was watching me. Dad asked me what I was doing so I told him I was practicing because I was going to be a famous ballerina someday. When Dad heard about the note he said to me, “I guess you won’t be waltzing on stage when you are a ballerina, instead you will be rolling in.” Sander and Dad laughed.
I started to cry. Dad said, “Come on Søs, don’t take it so hard, I was only kidding!” (Søs was the name he always called me.) I couldn’t stop crying. Dad felt bad, he wanted to cheer me up so he drove us to a candy store. I stayed in the car. Dad said, “Come in and pick out what candy you want.” I answered, “No,” Dad responded, “Come on, you know you want some, otherwise how else do you think you got so chubby?” I just sat there and cried. Then Dad said, “Okay Søs, suit yourself.” When he and Sander came out of the store they brought some marzipan candy. Dad put it next to me and he and Sander proceeded to eat it in front of me. I didn’t eat any of it. I was so hurt that Dad had made fun of me too. It was something I never thought he would do.
When the weekend was over it was back to daily life. When Mom had picked us up from daycare she would feed us dinner and as soon as we had eaten she would put us to bed. Since we went to bed so early every evening I was not tired when it was nap time at the daycare. Also, I was nearly four years old and had probably outgrown naps. I started dreading nap time. The workers told me I had to lie down on my mat and go to sleep just like everyone else. I would lie there for 2-3 hours until all the kids woke up. If I was caught with my eyes open they made me lie there five extra minutes after the last child had woken up. In the beginning, I was always the last child to be allowed off the mat. It seemed like an eternity since I had already laid there for so long. I learned my lesson and I always made sure to be very careful not to be caught with my eyes open when the workers came walking by to do their inspections.
The lady in charge of the daycare knew that I never slept. One day she told me to come with her because she was going to the store. I was excited to get out of nap time that day. The lady brought me to a candy store. The Danish candy stores have bins from one end to the other made out of glass so you can see the candy. Right when you walk in you can smell an aroma that is engaging. I stood there looking at all the candy. After she had bought the candy she drove me back to the daycare. On the ride back I kept hoping she would share the candy with me, but she never offered me any. I guess I should just have been grateful I got out of taking a nap that day.
I looked even more forward to the weekend when Dad was going to pick us up because he often brought us to the candy store and let us pick out whatever we wanted. When Friday finally came around, Mom said to us, “You don’t want to leave Mom home alone, all by herself, do you?” Sander said, “I will see you again when Dad brings me back on Sunday.” Sander wasn’t so easily moved by the guilt Mom tried to give us about going to visit Dad. I admired Sander for being so brave! I wanted to be just like him. But I was afraid if I said the same thing Mom would get upset with me. To please her I did whatever she asked me to do. Mom turned to me and asked, “You wouldn’t want me to be home all alone would you?” I felt bad for Mom, and I believe she needed me to be with her. I figured it was only fair Dad would have Sander, and even though I had looked forward to seeing him again, I would stay home and be with Mom so she wouldn’t have to be all alone.
The weekend
When it was time for Dad to pick us up, Mom had me lie on the sofa with a blanket. She then rehearsed with me what to say, “If Dad asks if you are sick, you are to say, “I don’t feel good.” I wanted to cry, here it was Friday the day of the week I looked most forward to, but instead I laid there very still waiting for Dad to come. Since we were not waiting on the curb like we usually did, Dad rang the doorbell. Mom told Dad, that I couldn’t come because I was sick. Dad came over to me as he knelt by the sofa he touch my forehead then he said, “She doesn’t feel or look sick to me.” I wanted to reach out to him and say, “I’m not!” But instead, I just laid there. Dad looked at me and asked, “Are you sick?” I looked over at Mom, and she looked very stern at me, so I responded, “Yes, I don’t feel good.” Dad said, “Very well, I will see you next week Søs, you get better.” When the door shut, I wanted to cry but I had to be brave because Mom needed me.
As soon as the door was shut Mom said, “Let’s go!” We then went to a party where a lot of Mom’s co-workers were gathered. Before I knew it, Mom put me in a room, turned out the lights, and told me to be good and go to sleep. It was still early in the evening when she shut the door I sat up. There was a window in front of me and I could see everyone outside talking and having fun. I was confused. I thought it was just going to be Mom and me spending the weekend together. I sat there in the dark I wondered why Mom had told me, she was going to be home all alone. I wasn’t tired, but I didn’t want Mom to get upset with me so I sat there quietly.
As I was sitting in the dark room, two of Mom’s co-workers came in. They were all over each other, kissing. They were about to lie down on the couch where I was sitting. They didn’t know I was there so I startled them. The lady asked me, “What are you doing in here all alone?” I didn’t know what to say, so I just smiled at her. Then the man picked me up in his arms and asked, “How old are you?” I proudly held up three fingers. Then he said, “You are just a cutie!” He turned to the woman and asked her, “Wouldn’t you want a little girl just like her someday?” The lady nodded as she held my hand. After they had talked to me for a few minutes, he put me back down on the sofa and told me to be good and go to sleep. I was alone again. I sat in the dark looking out the window at everyone until I was tired enough to go to sleep.
On Sunday evening, when Dad brought Sander back from the weekend visit, Dad had a bag of candy for me. Mom wouldn’t let Dad into the apartment so he stood in the doorway and handed it to me. Then he said, “I hope you are feeling better Søs, and that you will come next Friday.” I felt so bad for taking the candy because I had lied about being sick.
When it was Friday again and Mom had picked us up from the daycare she started to cry again and asked Sander and I to stay home with her. Sander was still firm in telling Mom that she would see him Sunday night. Mom knew it was harder for me to tell her no, so I did as she had asked, when Dad came I was back on the couch pretending to be sick again. Dad came over to the couch and knelt down, he looked very sad at me. I wanted to cry because I was hurting inside. I wanted to put my arms around him and have him carry me just like he always did. But I was too scared of Mom, so I lay there and looked at him. When Dad got up to leave he said, “Very well Søs. I hope to see you next Friday.”
Mom never did anything with me, I was mostly told to go outside and play. On Sunday I went to church with Mom. It was hard to sit still through the meetings so I started to run up and down the aisles. Mom didn’t seem to pay any attention so one of the other members picked me up and had me sit still with them through the meeting.
That Sunday when Dad returned with Sander he never came to the door. Sander came over to me and handed me a toy monkey that you could wind up and it would play the drum. Sander said, “It’s from Dad, he hopes you will come next Friday.” Mom immediately said, “You would rather be with me, huh!” I didn’t know what else to say so I smiled and said, “Yes,” even though every fiber of my being wanted to yell, “No!”
Grandma Helfred saw I was coming to church with Mom so she assumed I didn’t want to go with my Dad, she decided he must be molesting me. Grandma went to the authorities to get Dad arrested. Before I knew it I had to go to court.
Since I was not quite four yet, I was scared sitting on the stand with a lot of people looking at me. I was asked if I knew what a lie was. I told them I did. Then they asked me to answer honestly to the questions they would be asking me. I was asked if my Dad touched me in my private areas. Then they proceeded to show me where my private areas were. I answered, “Yes”. I could tell everyone in the courtroom was shocked at my answer. Then I was asked to explain what he had done. I told them when I had gone to the bathroom he helped me to wipe my bum when I was done. Then they questioned me if anything else had happened, since there was nothing more to tell I was finally allowed to get off the stand. Grandma’s accusations were dismissed because they found Dad innocent. Mom was ordered to have him continue to come to get Sander and me on the weekends.
While we were with Mom during the week, she started to go to night school, she arranged for one of the male members in our ward to come and stay with us while she was gone. He would sit by our bunk bed and wait for us to go to fall asleep. Once we were asleep he would leave and we were left home alone.
During the week when Mom wasn’t going to night school, she needed someone to watch us because she was going out on a date. Mom asked an older lady in the ward if she would mind looking after us until she returned. While she watched us Sander started to torment me just like he often did. She told him to stop, but he wouldn’t listen. The older lady finally lost her temper. She hit him over the head with a chair. His head started to bleed. Before we knew it, there was blood everywhere. She ran and got a cloth and held it on his head. As she was holding the cloth Mom came to pick us up. When Mom saw what had happened, she was furious. She started to yell at the lady. We quickly went in a taxi to the hospital so the doctor could stitch up Sander’s open wound.
One of the ladies in the ward heard what had happened. She and her husband were not able to have children of their own so she asked Mom if she could adopt me. She told Mom that she would take very good care of me. Mom said, “No!” The lady started to cry as she tried to tell Mom it would be best for me. The lady said she had seen how Mom struggled to make it as a single parent. She also told Mom, “Since you are young and attractive, you will soon get married again, and you could have lots of other children.” This sister tried to convince Mom, that it would be one less child she would have to worry about. Mom got upset and told her was perfectly capable to take care of her children.
I would see this lady when my Mom brought me to church. The lady was always kind to me. Thinking back, I wish Mom would have let her adopt me.
I still looked forward to the weekend hoping I would be allowed to be with Dad, but when Friday day came Mom started to cry and I was stuck on the couch pretending to be sick again. Dad came over to the couch and asked, “Why don’t you want to come, Søs? Don’t you like me?” I wanted to tell Dad I loved him more than anything else in the world! But again I just laid there.
The following day, while I was home with Mom, one of her friends, called her to ask if we wanted to go swimming. Mom didn’t have anything else to do so she decided to go and took me with her. I didn’t know how to swim. I stayed in the shallow end of the pool. Mom took my hand along with some other children who were in the pool. We played a game. We bounced up and down as Mom counted, “Ten… twenty… thirty…” When she got to one hundred she threw me up in the air and then she let go of me. I came back down into the water. I didn’t know which end was up so I began struggling, paddling in circles. I kept thinking Mom would soon notice that I was not coming up and she would help me get out of the water. As I was going in circles I needed air, I desperately tried to take a breath and instead, I swallowed water. I realized if Mom didn’t notice soon that I was not coming up to the surface, I would drown. All of a sudden everything went black and I passed out.
The next thing I knew, I was laying on the ground at the side of the pool with someone doing CPR on me. When I came to, I threw up a lot of water and I could hear someone say “Cancel the ambulance, looks like she is going to be okay.” Mom and I then walked home.I felt sick all weekend from all the water I had swallowed.
When Sander returned the following Sunday he handed me a big beautiful doll. Then Sander said, “It’s from Dad. He hopes you will come next weekend.” I felt awful taking it, I would much rather have spent the weekend with Dad. I took the doll and when it was time for bed I held it while I cried myself to sleep.
It was finally Friday again. I wished and hoped Mom would finally let me go. But again she asked me to lie down on the couch and pretend to be sick. This time Dad rang the doorbell, I could hear him say to Mom, “Oh, so she is sick again?” And then he left. I was heartbroken. Dad never even came over to look at me. A little while later the doorbell rang again. Mom opened the door. She was very surprised to see Dad standing there with two policemen. The police told Mom she had no right keeping me here. Mom insisted I was sick. The policeman walked in and ordered me to go with Dad. I was so happy I got to go after all, but Mom stood there sobbing as she reached out her arms to me. As I walked out the door I felt like I was doing something really terrible because of the way Mom was acting.
When we got to the car Dad asked me why I didn’t want to come see him anymore. He seemed hurt and upset with me. I just sat there looking at him, because I didn’t know what else to do.
I was excited I could once again start enjoying the weekends with Dad and Sander. Every once in a while, Sander would start to torment or hit me, but Dad put a stop to it immediately.
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