Sunday, August 20, 1995
Jared and Sarah aren’t happy that we have sold our home. We have lived there for 7 years. It’s the only home they have known. They miss their school and friends. I hope they will settle in soon! I have tried to assure them that they will love our new house and make new friends. Neither Jared nor Sarah is too sure about that.
Richard doesn’t come till it’s bedtime. He’s either working late or pursuing his own interests. Since Mom wants us to pay rent, I asked her if I could do chores for her instead. Mom was more than happy to accept that offer, so she agreed.
It’s a lot of work that she wants me to do! I am painting her kitchen and wallpapering it. I am also painting her bathroom. Plus, I do all her chores. It is not always easy since both Laila and Johny are so little. I do my best to keep up with everything.
Wednesday, August 23, 1995
A boy stopped by to pick up Jared for scouts. Jared told him that he wasn’t going. I asked Jared why. Jared said that I needed him, and he didn’t want me to be home alone with everything I had going on.
I knew that Jared enjoys scouts, so I tried to assure him I would be okay. But Jared just smiled and helped me take care of Laila and Johny. Jared seems wise beyond his years! I must admit, sometimes I feel like I would have lost my mind if it weren’t for him. He is always so thoughtful and means more to me than I am sure he will ever know!
Saturday, September 9, 1995
It’s hard to take Laila to public places since she screams so much. But there are times I can’t avoid it. Sometimes, people get concerned and come over to see if there is anything they can do to help me. It’s so sweet of them, but it only makes Laila’s cream even worse.
When Mom and Arnie are home, I do what I can to keep Laila in the basement with me. They are convinced that Laila just needs a good beating. It breaks my heart when they tell me to hit her.
I still do my grocery shopping after I have put everyone to bed. With everything I have to keep up with during the day, it’s no wonder I am so tired all of the time!
Monday, October 2, I995
I have seen a few doctors to try to get some answers for Laila. I found a doctor who seemed to know what doctor Laila needs to see. I made an appointment, and hopefully, this doctor can help me.
Thursday, October 20, 1995
When I got to this new doctor’s office, the doctor said he needed to observe Laila’s behavior. While he was observing her, I saw some papers that were about Laila. They were from the last doctor that we had seen. It looked like the last doctor thought that I was abusing Laila. I was horrified and nervous that this doctor was going to take Laila away from me.
I asked the doctor if he was a specialist in abused children. He admitted to me that he was. I got scared. The doctor then assured me that he could tell that Laila was not abused. And that I was a loving, caring mom.
I was upset to think that the last doctor thought that I was abusing my daughter, and that’s why he had sent me to this doctor. I am grateful this doctor was able to see that Laila is loved and that we need to find the right doctor for her.
The doctor gave me a phone number to call to make an appointment. Then he added that I should bring my husband to the appointment.
Monday, November 6, 1995
Richard took the day off from work so that he could come with me to Laila’s doctor’s appointment.
Turned out this place was a school with doctors and teachers for children with autism.
When we got there, the doctor observed Laila for a little bit. Then the doctor asked if it was okay to take Laila away from us for a while so they could do further evaluation of her. We agreed.
Laila gladly went with them since she is not afraid of strangers. We were told that they were going to take Laila into different classrooms to see where she belonged. In the different classrooms, there was a window where you could see what was going on, but the children couldn’t see that anyone was watching them.
In the first room, they brought Laila to, there were children the same age as Laila. These children could not speak. The teachers communicated with them through sign language. Since Laila can speak, this was not the place for her, so they brought her into another room.
Each room they brought Laila to, I would watch and think, “No, this is not the place for Laila.” Then they brought Laila to the fourth and final room.
I could tell this is where Laila fits in. It was so strange to see other children her age behaving the same way she did. I got a lump in my throat. The doctor told me I was welcome to go into the room and be with Laila.
When I got into the room, Laila stuck her head out from the side of a bookcase. When she saw me, she smiled and said, “Hi Mommy.” Just like I had seen her before she was born. By now, the lump in my throat was impossible to swallow. I had to do my best not to cry. It took everything I had to smile and say, “Hi Laila.”
I wanted to pick up Laila and hurry home with her. But I knew this was where she needed to be, and it was the right place for her.
I was told Laila has P.D.D. It stands for pervasive developmental disorder. Also known as autism spectrum disorder. Laila qualified to attend this school 5 days a week for 5 hours a day. Laila could start tomorrow.
Richard is going to bring Laila to work each day. A school bus will come to his work to pick her up. At the end of the day, the school bus will bring Laila back to his work so that he can bring her home again.
I was given a paper with classes once a week, which Richard and I needed to attend. It was to help us understand what to expect and how to help Laila. We would be meeting other parents whose children were like ours. Before we left, they gave me a poem called. Welcome to Holland. By Emily Perl Kingsley
Welcome to Holland
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to
Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The
Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some
handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags
and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and
says, “Welcome to Holland.” ” Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean
Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve
dreamed of going to Italy.”
But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there
you must stay. The important thing is they haven’t taken you to a horrible,
disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different
place.
So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have
met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But
after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…
and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills… and Holland has tulips.
Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy…and they’re all
bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your
life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had
planned.”
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.
But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you
may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things …about
Holland….
I cried as we drove home. These past few years, I had been wondering what was going on with Laila and why she was so different. I had so many mixed emotions. I was sad to find out she had P.D.D. Autism spectrum disorder. Her condition had a name, and now I needed to learn as much as I could about it. I was grateful I finally had some answers!
When it was time for Laila to go to bed, Laila fought me as usual. After seeing all those children today, and seeing those who were worse off than Laila, it made me think of all those mothers putting their children to bed. I was not alone in what I was going through. Then I thought of two twins that I had seen today. I realized my situation could be worse, and I was grateful I only had to struggle putting one child to bed.
Sunday, December 3, 1995
Laila has been going to school 5 days a week. It’s been so nice to have a few hours without her. I almost forgot what it was like to breathe. Laila has shown signs of improvement. We have also been going to the classes once a week. They have been so helpful!
When Richard brings Laila home, he takes off again. I don’t ask anymore where he is going, because I don’t want to fight.
By the end of this month, we will be able to move into our new home. I can’t wait!
It hasn’t been easy to live in my mom’s basement.
When Jared and Sarah come home from school, Mom insists she has to talk to me. It’s as if she is competing with Jard and Sarah to get my attention. I don’t understand it!
Mom is so controlling, and I have tried hard to keep her house clean as well as my own in the basement. Besides that, I have painted and sewn curtains for Mom.
I am grateful that we have been able to stay in the basement for free because of all the hard work I have done.
Once we move, I won’t have to try to keep up with both households. It will be so nice to move into our new home! I will still have to go grocery shopping at night, but at least life will be a little easier than it has been these past few months!
Monday, December 11, 1995
I got a call from Laila’s school. They called to tell me that the bus driver had taken Laila to Richard’s work, but he wasn’t there to pick her up. I panicked. I was told they had dropped Laila off at Richard’s parents’ house. I was horrified! She doesn’t know his parents, and they have no idea how to deal with her.
I called Richard’s work to try to get a hold of him, but he never answered. I didn’t have a car to go pick her up. I called up Richard’s parents to see how she was doing. It sounded like she was doing okay. They told me they would take care of her till Richard got there.
It seemed like an eternity before Richard finally called me. He told me he was on his way to get her. He told me he got busy and had forgotten about her. I was so upset. How do you forget your child? Richard acted as if it were no big deal.
Friday, December 15, 1995
When Richard came home with Laila, her face was all bruised and scraped up. Her upper lip was so swollen, and her mouth was cut. I could hardly recognize her. I asked Richard what had happened. Richard laughed because he thought she looked funny. He told me he had slipped on the snow and ice with Laila, and she landed face-first.
Once we move, Richard will take the bus to work, and I will drive Laila to and from school. Thank goodness there are only a couple of weeks till we move.
I swore I was never going to cut my hair past my shoulders because of what happened in my childhood. Since Laila was always pulling on my hair, I decided to cut it. This way, it was hard for her to grab hold of it.
Johny just turned a year old in the picture.
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