Chapter 4 Missing Dad

During the week when Mom had picked us up from daycare, she gave us dinner and then put us straight to bed. Since we went to bed so early every evening, I was not tired when it was nap time at the daycare. Besides, I was nearly four years old and had probably outgrown naps.

I started dreading nap time. The workers told me I had to lie down on my mat and go to sleep just like everyone else. I would lie there for 2-3 hours until all the kids woke up. If I were caught with my eyes open, they made me lie there five extra minutes after the last child had woken up.

I was already the last child to be allowed off the mat. Since I had already laid there for so long, five extra minutes seemed like an eternity! I always made sure to be very careful not to be caught with my eyes open when the workers came walking by to do their inspections.

The lady in charge of the daycare knew that I never slept. One day, she told me to come with her because she was going to the store. I was excited to get out of nap time. She brought me to a candy store. The Danish candy stores have see-through bins from one end to the other. Right when you walked in, you could smell the candy. I stood there looking at it. Wishing I could have some.

After she had bought what she wanted, we drove back to the daycare. On the ride back, I kept hoping she would give me a piece, but she never did.

I looked forward even more to the weekend to be with Dad. He would often bring Sander and me to the candy store and let us pick out whatever we wanted.

When Friday finally came around, Mom said to us, “You don’t want to leave Mom home alone, all by herself, do you?” Sander said, “I will see you again when Dad brings me back on Sunday.” Sander wasn’t easily moved by the guilt Mom tried to give us about going to visit Dad. I admired him for his bravery! I wanted to be just like him, but I was afraid that if I said the same thing, Mom would get upset and hit me.

To please her, I did whatever she asked, hoping she would love me. Mom turned to me and asked, “You wouldn’t want mommy to be home all alone, do you?” I felt bad for her, and I believe she needed me to be with her. I figured it was only fair that Dad would have Sander, and even though I had looked forward to seeing him again, I would stay home and be with her so she wouldn’t have to be alone.

When it was time for Dad to pick us up, Mom had me lie on the sofa with a blanket. She then rehearsed with me what to say, “If Dad asks if you are sick, you are to say, I don’t feel good.” I wanted to cry. It was finally Friday, the day I looked forward to all week long! Instead, I lay there very still, waiting for Dad to come. 

Since we were not waiting on the curb like we usually did, Dad rang the doorbell. Mom told Dad, I couldn’t go because I was sick.  Dad came over to me and knelt by the sofa. He touched my forehead, then he said, “You don’t feel or look sick to me.” I wanted to reach out to him and say, “I’m not!” But instead, I just laid there. Dad looked at me and asked, “Are you sick?” I looked over at Mom. She gave me a stern look. I got scared, so I responded, “Yes, I don’t feel good.” Dad said, “Very well, I will see you next week Søs, you get better.” When the door shut, I wanted to cry, but I had to be brave because Mom needed me.

As soon as Dad had shut the door, Mom said, “Let’s go!” We then went to Mom’s work party. When we got there, Mom put me in a room, turned out the lights, and told me to be good and go to sleep. Then she shut the door.

It was still early in the evening. There was a window in front of me, and I could see everyone outside talking and having a good time. I was confused! I thought it was just going to be Mom and me spending the weekend together. I sat there in the dark, wondering why Mom had told me she was going to be home all alone. I wasn’t tired, but I didn’t want Mom to get upset with me, so I sat there quietly.

As I was sitting in the dark room, two of Mom’s coworkers came in. They were all over each other, kissing. They were about to lie down on the couch where I was sitting. They didn’t know I was there, so I startled them.

The lady asked me, “What are you doing in here all alone?” I didn’t know what to say, so I just smiled at her. Then the man picked me up in his arms and asked, “How old are you?” I proudly held up three fingers. Then he said, “You are just a cutie!” He turned to the woman and asked her, “Wouldn’t you want a little girl just like her someday?” The lady nodded, smiled at me, and took my hand. 

After they had talked to me for a few minutes, the man put me back down on the sofa and told me to be good and go to sleep. I was alone again. I sat in the dark, looking out the window at everyone until I was tired enough to go to sleep.

Sunday evening, when Dad brought Sander back, Dad had a bag of candy for me. Mom wouldn’t let Dad in, so he stood in the doorway and handed it to me. Then he said, “I hope you are feeling better, Søs, and that you will come next Friday.” I felt so bad for taking the candy because I had lied about being sick.

As usual, when it was Friday, Mom started to cry. Sander was still firm in telling her, “I’ll see you Sunday night!” I was afraid to say no, so I did as she had asked.

When Dad came, I was back on the couch pretending to be sick again. Dad came over to the couch and knelt next to me. He looked sad as he stroked my hair. I wanted to put my arms around him and have him carry me just like he always did. But I was too scared of Mom, so I lay there, just looking at him. When Dad got up to leave, he said, “Very well, Søs. I hope to see you next Friday.” It took everything I had not to break down and cry.

Mom never did anything with me. On Sunday, I went to church with Mom.

Sunday, when Dad returned with Sander, he never came to the door. Sander came over to me and handed me a toy monkey. It could wind up, and it would play the drum that was attached to it. Sander said, “It’s from Dad. He hopes you will come next Friday.” Mom immediately said, “You would much rather be with me, huh!” I didn’t know what else to say, so I answered, “Yes.” Even though every fiber of my being wanted to yell, “No!”

Grandma Helfred saw I was coming to church with Mom, so she assumed I didn’t want to go with my dad. She decided he must be molesting me. Grandma went to the authorities to get Dad arrested. A few days later, I had to go to court.

Since I was not quite four yet, I was scared sitting on the stand with a lot of people looking at me. A man asked if I knew what a lie was. I wasn’t sure, so he explained it to me. Then he told me to answer the questions honestly.

The men then asked if I knew what my private areas were. I shook my head. Then he showed me where they were. Then, I was asked if my dad had touched me in any of those places. I answered, “Yes.” I could tell everyone in the courtroom was shocked at my answer.

Then I was asked to explain what my dad had done. Since I was so young, I did my best to tell everyone in the room that once, when I was driving in the car with my dad, I had to pee. Dad stopped the car and helped me get out on the side of the road. He pulled down my underwear and held up my dress so I could pee. Then I was asked if he had done anything else. I told him that when I had gone to the bathroom and pooped, he helped me wipe my bum when I was done.

Then I was asked if anything else had happened. Since there was nothing more to tell, I was finally allowed to get off the stand.

Dad was declared innocent, and Grandma’s accusations were dismissed. Mom was ordered to have Dad continue coming to pick up Sander and me on the weekends.

During the week, Mom started attending night school. Mom arranged for one of the male members in our ward to stay with us while she was away. He would sit by our bunk bed and wait for us to fall asleep. 

When we had fallen asleep, he would leave. Sander and I were left home alone until Mom got back.

One evening, the man left before we had fallen asleep. Sander called out to him because he was scared. It woke me up. The man told us to be brave and go to sleep.

After that, Sander would always protest when we were left home alone. Mom couldn’t always find someone to watch us, so there were times she still left us home alone.

One evening, when Mom was going on a date, she brought us to an older lady in the ward. The lady was going to look after us until Mom returned.

While the lady watched us, Sander started tormenting me, just as he often did. The lady told him to stop, but he wouldn’t listen. 

The older lady finally lost her temper. She grabbed a chair and hit him over the head with it.  His head started to bleed. Before I knew it, there was blood everywhere!

She ran and got a cloth. As she was holding it to his head, Mom came to pick us up. When Mom saw what had happened, she was furious!  Mom yelled at the lady. Then Mom grabbed the lady’s phone and called for a taxi. We went to the hospital, where a doctor stitched up his wound.

One of the ladies in the ward heard what had happened. She and her husband were unable to have children of their own, so she asked Mom if she could adopt me. She told Mom that she would take good care of me. Mom said, “No!” The lady started crying as she tried to tell Mom that it would be best for me.

The lady said she had seen how Mom struggled to make it as a single parent. She said to Mom, “Since you are young and attractive, you will soon get married again, and you could have lots of other children.” She tried to convince Mom that it would be one less child she would have to worry about. Mom got upset and told her that she was perfectly capable of taking care of her children!

I would see this lady when Mom brought me to church. The lady was always kind to me.

Reflecting on it, I wish Mom had let her adopt me.

I still looked forward to the weekend, hoping I would be allowed to spend time with Dad, but when Friday came, Mom started to cry, and I was stuck on the couch, pretending to be sick again. Dad came over to the couch and asked, “Why don’t you want to come, Søs? Don’t you like me?” I wanted to tell Dad I loved him more than anything else in the world! But instead, I just laid there.

The following day, one of her friends called to ask if we wanted to go swimming, so we went.

Since I didn’t know how to swim, I stayed in the shallow end of the pool. Some of the kids in the pool persuaded Mom to play with them.

We held hands in a circle as Mom counted, “Ten… twenty… thirty…”  When she got to one hundred, everyone jumped as high as they could. We played the game a few times. I thought it was fun.

When Mom had had enough, she said, “Okay, this is the last time.” This time, when Mom got to a hundred, she let go of my hand. I quickly went under the water. I kept thinking Mom would help me come to the surface, but she didn’t.

I was desperately trying to breathe, but I ended up swallowing water instead. All of a sudden, everything went black!

When I came to, I was lying on the ground at the side of the pool with a lifeguard giving me mouth-to-mouth and performing CPR on me. I then threw up a lot of water.

I could hear someone say, “Cancel the ambulance, looks like she is going to be okay.” The whole time Mom stood next to me, crying hysterically. People were standing around Mom, trying to comfort her and tell her I was okay. When Mom calmed down, we walked home. I felt sick all weekend from all the water I had swallowed.

When Sander returned the following Sunday, he handed me the most beautiful doll I had ever seen! It was almost as big as I was.

Sander said, “It’s from Dad. He hopes you will come next weekend.” I felt awful taking it. I would much rather have spent the weekend with Dad. I took the doll, and when it was time for bed, I held it close to me while I cried myself to sleep.

It was finally Friday again. I wished and hoped Mom would finally let me go. But again, she asked me to lie down on the couch and pretend to be sick.

This time, when Dad rang the doorbell. I could hear him say to Mom, “Oh, so she is sick again?!” And then he left. Dad never even came over to look at me. I was heartbroken!

A little while later, the doorbell rang again. Mom opened the door. She was surprised to see Dad standing there with two police officers. The police told Mom she had no right to keep me. Mom insisted I was sick. The police officers walked in and ordered me to go with my dad. 

I was thrilled to have been able to go after all! As I walked out the door, Mom stood there sobbing as she reached out her arms to me. I felt like I was doing something terribly wrong because of the way Mom was acting.

When we got to the car, Dad asked me why I didn’t want to come and see him anymore. He was hurt and upset with me. I just sat there looking down, because I didn’t know what else to do.

I was excited to start enjoying the weekends with Dad and Sander once again. When Sander began to torment or hit me, Dad put a stop to it immediately. The very next Friday, when it was time for Dad to come pick us up, Mom told me I had to wait inside the apartment.

Then Mom went outside with Sander to wait for Dad. When he arrived, Mom told him that I didn’t want to be with him and that it wasn’t right for him to force me to do something that I didn’t want to do.

When Mom came back in, she told me I couldn’t go with my dad. I kept hoping the police would show up, but they never did. That night, I cried myself to sleep.

Mom’s Spring Vacation, 1966

Whenever Mom had any time off from work, she would usually spend it without Sander or me. Mom had a week off for spring vacation. Sander was allowed to spend the week with Dad. Mom couldn’t find anyone to watch me, so she brought me along.

Mom and I took the train to her friend Ingrid’s house. It was a three-hour-long train ride. We spent the whole week with Ingrid and her husband.

While we were at Ingrid’s house, Mom brought me on a walk to the store. It was a long walk, but I didn’t mind because Mom was being nice to me. When we got to the store, Mom even let me pick out a treat. I ate it while we walked back. I wish it could always be like this between us.

It turned out to be the only happy memory I have of being with my mom.

When the week was over, it was back to work for Mom, back to dating for Mom, and back to daycare for me.

Shortly after this vacation, one of Mom’s coworkers asked Mom to go out on the town with her. Mom couldn’t find anyone to watch Sander and me, so she brought us along. Her coworker asked a neighbor girl to watch us while they went out for the evening.

As soon as Mom and her friend were out of sight, the girl called up her friend and their boyfriends. When the boys arrived, they started smoking. One of the girls asked, “What if these kids tell on us?” The boy put a cigarette in both Sander’s and my mouth and told us to smoke.” We both started to cough.  One of the boys told us to keep smoking. Then he turned to the girls and said, “There, if they say anything, we will just tell their mom they smoked too, and they will be the ones in trouble, not us!”

Even though Sander and I were coughing, the boy told us to keep smoking. I felt sick, and I am sure Sander did too.

Then they took us to an indoor swimming pool that was attached to the apartment building where the girl lived.

Since Sander and I didn’t have a swimsuit, one of the boys told us to hop in the water in our underwear. Then they had us jump into the deep end of the pool with them. Neither Sander nor I knew how to swim, so we clung to the side of the pool.

After a while, the girls seemed to forget about us. Sander and I hung on until the teenagers came back and helped us out of the pool.

Once we were out of the water, the teenagers had both Sander and me swear we would never tell what had happened that evening, or else they would tell our mom that we had smoked. Since Sander and I were afraid of getting into trouble, we kept the secret.

When I think back, Sander and I were lucky we didn’t drown that day.