Sunday, April 20, 1997
The Bishop called both Richard and me into his office after church. Jared watched Sarah, Laila, and Johny while we were in the meeting.
The Bishop wanted to give me a calling to serve in the primary. I told the Bishop that I had a child with special needs and, therefore, I wouldn’t be able to accept the calling. The Bishop turned to Richard and asked, “If your wife accepts this calling, will you do all you can to support her?” Richard answered, of course! I turned to Richard and asked if he was prepared to watch Laila by himself when I was doing my calling. Richard assured the Bishop that it would be no big deal, and I could go ahead and accept the calling. I knew it wouldn’t go well, but I have been told to accept whatever calling the Bishop is inspired to give me. Even though every fiber of my being was screaming no, I accepted the calling.
I knew Richard wasn’t going to live up to what he had promised. I was hoping this time I would be wrong and that it would be good for Richard to help out with Laila.
Wednesday, April 30, 1997
I had my first meeting for my calling this evening. I went over all the instructions that I thought Richard would need while I was away. I also asked Richard to have the kids ready for bed when I got home. I could tell he wasn’t listening. He assured me that everything would be fine.
A couple of hours later, when I got home from the meeting, Richard was in our bedroom with the door locked. Jared and Sarah were nowhere to be seen. I could hear Laila screaming in her bedroom. When I went into the room, Johny was standing in his crib watching Laila. The whole bedroom had been torn apart. Laila had pulled all the pictures off the walls. She had taken all the drawers from the dresser and dumped them upside down. She had also smashed the glass in the pictures hanging on the walls. Laila was sitting in the middle of the floor, screaming, with broken glass all around her.
I carefully went over and picked her up so that I wouldn’t cut myself on the glass. As I held her, I unlocked our bedroom door. Richard was just sitting on our bed watching TV. I asked him what had happened and why he had not taken care of Laila. Richard answered that Laila wanted to tear apart her room and break everything, so he didn’t want to stop her.
I reminded him that Laila was 4 years old and needed help. Richard said, “Well, I guess you should have stayed home then!” I was so frustrated. I asked him where Jared and Sarah were. He said they were at their friend’s house. I knew if I were to say something, it would start a fight because of the angry look he had on his face.
I called Jard and Sarah to come home so that I could put them to bed. When Jared came home, he felt bad for going to his friend’s house. I told him it wasn’t his responsibility to take care of Laila. Before Jared went to bed, he helped me clean up the glass. The whole time, Richard just stayed in our bedroom and watched TV.
May 1997
Laila is 4 years and 4 months old. I was still nursing both Laila and Johny. Since Laila doesn’t like to be touched, she lies on the couch as far away from me as possible while she hangs on to my nipple with her teeth. There have been a couple of times that Laila has fallen off the couch because she lies so close to the edge. When she fell off, she still hung on to my nipple with her teeth. Both times, I thought she had ripped my nipple right off. I kept getting infections in my breasts because she was so hard on my nipples. The infections make me so sick.
I have stopped nursing both Laila and Johny. Johny is fine with it, but Laila screams. If I keep nursing her, I swear I will die from infection. I am at the point where I can’t do it anymore. If Laila refuses to eat, she will just have to die of starvation.
Friday, June 27, 1997
These past few months have been unbearable! I let the Bishop know I couldn’t do the calling. Richard is never home. He says he either has to work late or go jogging. When he is home, he locks himself in the bedroom and watches TV.
When Laila first started going to the autistic school, she seemed to be making progress, but that didn’t last long. I did everything I had been taught at the school, but nothing seemed to keep her from screaming.
I didn’t think it was fair to Jared, Sarah, or Johny that they always had to listen to her screaming.
I get Laila dressed, turn around, and she is naked again. I cut the feet off her pajamas, and I put them on her backwards. Then I put a safety pin on the zipper so she can’t take them off. Laila still hasn’t gotten used to wearing clothes, so she screams. Laila still wasn’t sleeping much. There seems to be no end in sight. I can’t do it anymore!
Saturday, June 28, 1997
A while back, when Laila went to the Autistic school, the doctor had given me a number to call if Laila got too much for me. It was an emergency number. There were people on call to come and help with your child. There was also a number you could call if you couldn’t take care of your child anymore. You could sign your child over to the state. Then your child gets placed in a home where they are trained to take care of children with autism. You could still come and visit with your child. But you would no longer be responsible for them 24/7.
I told Richard that I wanted a divorce. I let him know that I didn’t think it was fair for Jared, Sarah, and Johny to always be put on the back burner so that I could take care of Laila. I told him on Monday that I was going to turn Laila over to the state. I was surprised by how quickly Richard agreed to what I was planning to do.
Sunday, June 29, 1997
It had been a hard weekend! Part of me was sad about handing Laila over to the state, and part of me couldn’t wait to breathe again and be there for Jared, Sarah, and Johny. And best of all, I would be able to get some sleep!
That evening, Laila went to sleep at around 7:00 pm. Something she had never done before! I hurried and put the rest of the kids to bed, too. As I was brushing my teeth, Richard turned on the TV in our bedroom. I was going to turn it off once I had brushed my teeth so that I could go to bed.
As I was brushing my teeth, a movie came on. It was a true story about a girl who had schizophrenia. It showed how hard it was for the mother to take care of her because the dad always worked late, since he didn’t want to deal with her. I got involved in the movie. It ended with the mother putting the girl in a home, and the parents got divorced.
When the movie was over, Richard was sitting at the edge of the bed in deep thought. I asked him if he was okay. He said, “That poor mom, she never got a break or any help with their child. The dad always worked late.” His comment made me mad! I said, “Yeah, and I bet the days that he wasn’t able to work late, he went jogging! I went to check that all the doors were locked.
When I got back into the bedroom, Richard was crying. He said, “I am sorry I haven’t been there for you! Please don’t bring Laila to the home! I will be here for you!” I told Richard that I didn’t believe him. He asked me if I would give him a chance to prove it. I agreed to try a little while longer.
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