The Razorblade Chapter 8

The Razorblade, August 1969

A few days after we got back from camp, Sander went outside to play with his friend. I was by myself. Mom had told us we were never to go into the medicine cabinet and touch the razor blades. Now that I was alone, I was curious to peek at them. I decided to see what the big deal was about the razor blades.  I took one and held it in my hand. After I had looked at it for a few seconds I thought, I better put it back. As I did, it brushed against my arm. The next thing I knew, I could see my bone. I had cut my arm deeply. I hadn’t felt anything because the blade was so sharp. 

I was terrified! I closed the wound with my fingers and held it, praying it would magically heal. Then I grabbed a roll of gauze that was in the medicine cabinet and rolled it tight around my arm so it would hold the cut together. To my relief, it worked!  I hurried and cleaned up the blood. Luckily most of it had landed in the sink. I managed to get it all cleaned up! I was shaking all over because I was afraid Mom would come home from work sooner than expected. I was even more terrified of what she might do to me for disobeying than I was about getting cut. When Mom came home she never noticed my cut and never knew what happened.

For a few days, I kept a long sleeve shirt on so Mom wouldn’t see my arm. It was summer so I was worried she would be suspicious of why I was wearing winter clothes, but she never even questioned it. A few days later my arm started to throb and turn dark purple. I opened up the gauze to look at the cut. It didn’t look good. I ran cold water on the wound and put clean gauze on it. I was nervous about getting into even more trouble since I had not shown Mom what had happened to my arm.

I panicked, I was sick from worrying about what might happen to me. I knelt down and explained to Heavenly Father what had happened to my arm and that I knew I had disobeyed. I asked the Lord to please heal the wound because I was terrified of what Mom might do to me if she found out. As I was praying I was trembling with fear and I hoped that He could hear me. I prayed for a very long time. As I was praying I could feel I was not alone. A peace came over me. My arm didn’t hurt as much as it had when I started the prayer. I was afraid to take off the gauze. My curiosity got the best of me, so I looked. I was surprised to see that my arm was almost back to its normal color. I was aware that I had just experienced a miracle.

I kept my arm in gauze until the cut healed. I kept a long sleeved shirt on for a very long time afterwards. Since Mom never helped me when I took a shower, she never noticed the cut. And when my arm was exposed she never questioned the awful scar. I was grateful the Lord had sent me the help I needed that day. This experience helped me to know He was aware of me. I think about it to this day when I look at the scar that was left behind.

A Bully at School-1969

There was a boy in my class named Tony, he was a real bully. One day during recess he kept bothering me and my friend. I told Tony to leave us alone, but this only made the situation worse. Tony started to push me and asked me, “What are you going to do about it?” I was used to being hit by Sander. Since Tony was about my size I wasn’t intimated by him. Next thing I knew we were in a full fistfight and I wasn’t about to back off.

I think Tony was surprised that I was willing to take him on because all the other kids always backed away from him. All of a sudden he ran off as fast as he could. When it was time for class to start again, Tony did not come back. I heard my name being called over the intercom. I was told to come to the office right away. As I walked down the hall to the office I saw Sander. He said, “I heard you are being called to the office. What’s going on?” I told him about the fight and asked him to call Mom and tell her to hurry and come to the school.

At I walked into the office, Tony, his mother, and the principal were waiting for me. His mother was very upset. The principal scolded me. I tried to tell my side of the story but it was clear no one was listening to me. Mom finally showed up when it was all over, and I was on my way back to class.

When I got home from school I told Mom what had really happened. She seemed to believe me when I told her it wasn’t me who had started the fight. Then someone rang the doorbell. Mom opened the door, there stood Tony’s mother. She was holding up Tony’s coat as she said, “Your daughter has ripped my son’s coat and now you need to give me some money so I can buy a new one!” Mom said, “Okay,” and shut the door. Mom turned to me and said, “There is no way I am going to give her any money for a new coat!”

Tony’s mother did not give up so easily. She came a few more times to ask for money, but Mom never gave her any. The last time Tony’s mother came over Grandma was tending me. When Grandma opened the door and heard this woman asking for money for a new coat, Grandma got pretty upset. Grandma told her she needed to teach her son not to be such a bully and to be nice to other children. Then the woman said she was going to take Mom to court and sue her. This only made Grandma more upset. Grandma told her if she were to take Mom to court there was no way she would win since the judge would see what a brat her son was. Grandma then slammed the door. I was so proud of Grandma for putting the woman in her place and for sticking up for me.

At school, everyone in our class was glad I had stood up to Tony. After this incident no one wanted to have anything to do with him, they didn’t even want to sit by him in class. We all told him to get away from us because he had boogers and he was full of germs. One day Tony didn’t come to school. Our teacher told us we needed to be nice to him. He didn’t want to come to school anymore because none of us wanted anything to do with him. We all promised the teacher we would be nice to him. When Tony came back he brought candy for all the students in the class. At first, no one wanted any because we were all afraid they had germs on them. It took some time before anyone wanted to have anything to do with him. Tony never bullied anyone again.

Sander Almost Lost His Leg

Not long after my fight, Sander got into a fight with another boy at school. The boy kicked Sander on his shin. The kick punctured the skin and the leg became infected. A few days later we had a week off for fall break. Sander, Mom, and I were invited to come with Mom’s Aunt Mabel, her husband Uncle Orla, and their grandson, Patrick, to their summer home in Lolland. While we were there Sander’s infected leg grew worse. Sander cried and said it hurt. Mom talked to Uncle Orla about whether or not she should take Sander to the doctor.  Uncle Orla told Sander to straighten up and take the pain like a man and assured him his leg would heal soon.

When we got back home Sander’s leg still didn’t get any better. Mom finally took Sander to the doctor. When the doctor saw Sander’s leg he told Mom to go straight to the hospital. When they got to the hospital the doctor there was baffled that Mom had waited so long to get help for him. The doctor told Mom he hoped he would be able to save his leg. The infection had gone into the bone. The doctor had to operate. He cut out part of the bone and implanted a stainless steel plate to save his leg.

Sander had to stay in the hospital for the next three months. He used a wheelchair to get around. At the hospital, there was time set aside for visiting hours. Since Sander was so lonely, the doctor let me come see him whenever I wanted. The hospital was very close to where we lived. I felt sorry for Sander. There for, every day, as soon as school was out, I didn’t go to the Part-Time Home. Instead, I would take my bike and spend the rest of the evening with him. Sometimes Sander’s friend, Lars, would come too. We would play games and wheeled Sander to the top floor and we would look at the view that was overlooking our town.

Sander would cry when Mom came and visited him. He told her that he hated it at the hospital and he begged Mom to take him home, even if it were just for one night. The doctor said no because they were afraid he would lose his leg and they didn’t want to risk it.

One Saturday while Mom and I were at the hospital visiting, Dad showed up with Henny. It was a very uncomfortable situation. When we got home Mom was upset that Dad had been there and that he had brought his girlfriend. Mom ranted, on and on, about how ugly Henny was.

When Sander was finally released from the hospital he had to use crutches for a long time to get around. As Sander got better he seemed to forget how I had come to visit with him while he was at the hospital. I had hoped my visits with him had made us closer, but that was not to be. It didn’t take long for him to run after me and start hurting me again.

Second Grade, 1969

I liked school and I loved to look at the books the teacher gave us. One day it all changed. My teacher asked Mom to come in for a meeting. I came along too, but looking back I’ve realized I should have never been there. I overheard the teacher tell Mom that I was one of two other students in the class who were falling behind. The teacher asked Mom to work with me in the evenings. I was to practice reading so I could catch up with the rest of the class. Mom told the teacher she would work with me. I felt devastated knowing that I was one of the worst students in the class. I told myself that Mom and Sander were right about me being dumb.

That evening Mom had me practice reading out of my school book. The next day the teacher called on me to read out loud in class. Since I had practiced the night before I was able to read smoothly. When class was over the teacher told me she could tell I had been practicing and for me to keep up the good work. That evening I asked Mom to practice with me again. Mom got annoyed and told me that right now was not a good time. She never had me practice reading with her again.

Later when I needed Mom’s help with my homework, I did not understand why she would get upset with me. If I didn’t comprehend the homework the first time she explained it to me, she would start to yell. As if that would get me to understand what she was saying! After that, I never asked her for help again. I decided to accept the fact that I was stupid. I started to dread school. From then on I sat at the back of the class and daydreamed. I figured, what was the use in trying since I was too dumb to learn anything anyways? I couldn’t wait for school to be out.

When I was in the first and second grade we always went to school on Saturday. It was this way for students all over Denmark. Saturday was a fun day to go to school. We only went for two hours, and we didn’t have any lessons. It was a day where we were allowed to bring toys. While we were there we drew pictures and played games, while the teacher would read stories to us.

When I started third grade, all students were told there would be no school on Saturdays. Since I didn’t care for school, Saturday was the only day I enjoyed going. I was relieved to find out we still would have field trips!

The Play

Our class was putting on a play for our parents. The teacher asked the students which role in the play we each wanted. I quickly raised my hand and said, “I want to be the princess.” The teacher told me the princess had to be someone with long hair. My heart sank! It was a reminder to me that my hair had been cut off and was not allowed to grow back. I ended up being a male butler in the play.

All the students were asked to provide their own costumes. I told Mom about the play, and that I needed an outfit to wear. Mom looked at me and seemed uninterested in what I was saying. Some of the other students had really neat costumes their mothers had made for them. I felt bad because I realized I had to come up with my own costume. I asked Sander if I could borrow his jacket, and he didn’t seem to mind. The teacher asked me if I had come up with something to wear, I told her I was able to borrow my brother’s jacket. The teacher lent me a hat and told me to come up with a silver cane to go with my costume.  “Where was I going to get a silver cane?” When I got home I tried to make one out of foil wrap. I thought I had done a pretty good job of it. When Mom came home from work and saw the cane, she became furious because I had used her foil. She yelled at me and told me never to waste her foil wrap again. I was beginning to dread this play more and more.

We spent a lot of time practicing for the play and making the scenery for the background. The teacher liked how I drew so I was asked to do a lot of the drawings. I was happy for once I could do something right.

I couldn’t wait for Mom and Sander to come to the play and see what I had drawn. I was sure they were going to be so proud of me. All the kids were excited to put on the play and,  because of my artwork, I finally started to share this excitement.

When it was time for the play Mom told me she couldn’t go because she was going with Bent the next day to visit his parents in Skive. Mom said she still had to pack and she had arranged for Grandma Helfred to take me to the play. Mom had Sander stand at the corner so Dad could pick him up. Dad didn’t know about the play so he never came. As usual, Mom had told him that I didn’t want to spend the weekend with him.

That evening, Grandma walked with me to school. When we got there I noticed all the other kids were with both their parents and all their brothers and sisters. As I was standing there with the rest of the kids I felt so out of place and I just wanted to go back home. I was grateful Grandma was there so I wasn’t by myself.

After the play, there was food and drinks for sale. Grandma didn’t know this, so she had not brought any money. We stood there watching everyone eat. The teacher felt bad for me, so she said, “Let’s have a contest to see who can rip a paper into the longest strip, and whoever wins will get some free food.” I tried my best to rip the paper into the longest strip, but the boy next to me won.  He got a free pop. This made me feel even worse because his parents could have bought him one. It didn’t seem like much fun to stay and watch the rest of the people eat and drink so I told Grandma I was ready to go home.

At home I saw that Mom’s suitcase was all packed sitting in the living room, ready to go. I felt discouraged about the evening and I was sad to think Mom would be gone again and I would be missing out on another weekend with Dad.

The next day was Saturday. Grandma and I went to the train station to see Mom off. I noticed that Mom didn’t have time to eat, and I was worried she would get hungry so I grabbed a banana and an apple. As Mom boarded the train I handed the fruit to her. Mom asked me why I had given her food. I told her I was worried she would get hungry. She broke into tears. Just then the train whistle blew, Grandma and I waved to Mom, the doors shut and she was off for Skive.

Part-Time Home Meeting

The Part-Time Home that Sander and I went to had a meeting.  The parents and children all came. During the meeting, most of us kids played in the background. All of a sudden, I could hear the grown-ups start yelling at each other. I stopped to listen to see if I could find out what was going on. The teachers were telling the parents that there would be no camp this coming fall. A lot of the parents were upset at this news. One of the parents shouted, “What are we to do with our kids while school is off for fall break?” One of the workers suggested, “You all get a vacation from your work, take this time off and be with your kids.” Mom got mad and started yelling, “Well, what about us single parents who already have made plans to go elsewhere during this time?” The worker responded, “Try spending this time with your kids.” The meeting got pretty loud and there were many heated words. They were mostly Mom and another father. Mom was yelling at the workers in very a disrespectful way.  I was so embarrassed!  As a result, the meeting ended with the workers saying they would take us on a camping trip during the fall break.