Monday, June 30, 1997
When Richard got home from work, I told him that we needed to talk. In our talk, I let him know that I could no longer stay married if I didn’t know what money was coming in and going out. Richard let me see the bank account and all our bills.
I was horrified to find out that we were 20 thousand dollars in debt! I looked over to see where we owed money. He still had not paid off his first school loan. He was only paying the interest, not the actual bill. This bill was over 13 years old! I asked Richard when he intended to start repaying his school loan. Richard just shrugged his shoulders.
I asked him what he had done with all the money that I had given him when I babysat. It was to have gone to all his school loans. I asked him what he had been buying and why all our credit cards were maxed out. He couldn’t give me an answer. I told him from now on, I would be managing the money.
Tuesday, July 1, 1997
I have asked Richard not to put so much of his money into his 4O1k so that we could get out of debt. He told me it wasn’t possible since once you sign up, you are locked in. Richard told me I couldn’t cancel his cell phone because he needed it for work. I don’t see why, since they never call him. I canceled my cell phone and cut up all his credit cards. When Richard came home from work, I told him he was going to get a small allowance. I also let him know that from now on, we would be paying cash for gas and everything else that we needed to spend money on. Richard got upset. I told him if we were to stay together, this was the only way we could go forward.
Friday, July 11, 1997
I have had a hard time finding out that Richard had managed our money so poorly! I also wondered what he had spent all our money on. I found a divorce lawyer. I brought Johny with me and went to see the lawyer while the kids were in school. The lawyer told me that, since all the credit cards were in both our names, I was responsible for them as well. I told the lawyer that I would worry about that later. For now, I wanted a divorce. He asked me how I was going to pay for it since I didn’t have a job. I told him I would find a way.
When I got home, I thought I have no where to go with the kids. I could go to my mom’s place, then I thought about how she would gloat over my getting a divorce and say, “I told you so!” I didn’t want her to have the satisfaction. Besides, I would once again become a slave to her needs. I didn’t know where to go or how to raise the money to pay for a divorce. I called the lawyer to tell him I wasn’t going through with the divorce after all. I feel so helpless and stuck!
Saturday, November 29, 1997
Since I found out how much money we owe, I have started to tend again. I tried to get licensed so I could get reimbursed for the food I feed the daycare kids. I gave up on getting licensed because there was a guy named Niel who used to oversee daycare licenses. He is now she. He changed his name to Nicole. Nicole was a big, burly guy dressed in drag. I wouldn’t mind if he were nice. But he was horrible to deal with! I have already had one meeting with him and Tooele County. In the meeting, he was awful. I have talked to other people who know him, and they said he was nothing but trouble. Tooele County has wanted to fire him, but he has threatened them with a lawsuit for discrimination. I was to sign a paper allowing him to come by and inspect my home anytime he wanted.
After what happened last time with the state, coming unannounced to my home, I couldn’t imagine what it would be like having this guy show up. I gave up on getting my license and started babysitting without one.
I have been babysitting for a little over 4 months. I get up at 5:00 am again because the first child arrives at 5:30 am. I end the day at 5:30 pm. I babysit 6 children. Plus, my own 4. With how hard Laila is when she gets home from school, I don’t know how I get through the day! On top of everything else I’m going through, the Bishop called me to scouts. I told him it would be too much for me. He said I needed to have more faith and that I would be blessed if I accepted the calling. I tried to tell the Bishop how hard my life was. He insisted I would receive a blessing, and my life would get better. I have about 7 boys in my group. I do an activity each week. I hate my calling! It’s the hardest calling I have ever had.
My life has not gotten any easier. My Patriarchal blessing said the conditions for a happy marriage were that I be obedient to whatever calling I would receive from time to time. I was also to go beyond and above what I would be asked to do. With the blessing the Bishop promised and the promise from my patriarchal blessing, so far nothing has come to pass! I don’t think anyone can even begin to understand what I am going through! I want to run away! I love my children, so that’s what keeps me going.
I was hoping never to see my mom again, but it’s hard on Beth that I have nothing to do with her, so she’s back in my life, too.
I am on my knees a lot! I pray for endurance. With so many people who pray in the world, I don’t think Heavenly Father can hear my prayers. I feel so alone!
“My son, peace be unto thy soul: thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment: And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.” D&C 121:7-8
Right now, my afflictions sure don’t feel like a small moment. I hope I can endure! If I don’t, I can’t imagine hell being much worse than what I am going through.
I envisioned someday, life would get better! Richard will be healed from whatever ails him. There will come a day, if not here on earth but in Heaven. Perhaps that’s when I will receive my blessings.
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