Monday, June 19, 2000
I never hear from my dad. I was so excited to see there was a letter from him! He wrote to tell me to stop sending him letters from my mom. I have no idea what he was talking about!
A while back, my mom had asked me for my grandma’s address. She told me that she and my grandma were once close. I highly doubt that! As far back as I can remember, my mom has never said anything nice about her. I asked my grandmother if it was okay for me to give my mom her address. She said it was fine.
It turned out that my mom had written my dad letters and typed my return address on them. I could never figure out how she got my dad’s address or what she wrote to him. I don’t understand why she did that! I’m guessing to try to cause trouble between my dad and me.
Sunday, June 25, 2000
Jared has been getting harder and harder to be around. I know I have taught him better. I thought I would always be able to talk to him. Now that he has become a teenager, it seems as if all logic has left him.
A few years back, in one of the childcare classes I took, they talked about the Tooth Fairy and the Brain Fairy. When your child loses a tooth, the Tooth Fairy comes and takes it. When your child becomes a teenager, the Brain Fairy comes and takes their brain. Man, they weren’t kidding!
It’s summer vacation. And my kids are all home from school. I don’t know how I am going to be able to do my calling! I can’t wait for Jared to go back to school again!
Monday, June 26, 2000
Jared has agreed to move the neighbor’s lawn once a week. Jared has not done it for a while, so the grass has gotten out of control. I felt bad for Jared, so tonight for Family Home Evening, we all went with him. Together, we got the lawn done. Jared seems grateful for it. I am hoping it will help him to know that I care for him.
Friday, July 7, 2000
It’s my birthday today. I have let Mom know that I didn’t have time to celebrate and just wanted a quiet evening at home. At 7:00 pm. Mom showed up with Arnie, Sander, Beth, and her family.
Sander has moved to Utah and is now living with Mom. Mom had brought a marzipan cake because she knew it was my favorite. To my surprise, we all had a nice evening. When it was time for everyone to leave, and my kids to go to bed, Sander stayed behind. I was scared and asked Richard to stay up with me. Richard didn’t seem to care and went to bed.
It was just my brother and me in the kitchen. Sander asked for a cup of coffee. I made him one and hoped that he would leave soon. As he was drinking his coffee, he said, “I don’t understand why you think your childhood was so bad and why you tell everyone that I beat you. It’s normal for siblings to hit each other!”
I told Sander that I had just seen on Oprah that, yes, it is normal, but that’s where the parents come in. If the parents don’t teach their children not to hit, then the child grows up thinking it’s okay. I thought for sure Sander was going to start hitting me. Instead, he sat and stared into his coffee cup as he stirred it. You could tell he was in deep thought.
Then he looked at me and said, “If mom had taught me, I would never have hit my wife, then my marriage wouldn’t have ended.” I answered, “Yeah, pretty much.” Sander got defensive and said, “You hit me just as much as I hit you!” I quickly responded, “Sander, think about it! You are almost 3 years older than me! When I hit you, it was self-defense! I would do all I could not to rock the boat because I was afraid of you!” I braced myself because I thought he was for sure going to hit me.
Sander looked down at his coffee again. Then he said, “It was as if mom enjoyed it when I hit you, it was as if it was expected of me, and it brought mom and me closer.” I got excited and said, “Yes!” It was incredible to have him put words to what I had always felt! Sander finished his coffee and left.
After he was gone, I cried. I felt bad for the little girl who had suffered so many beatings while she grew up. It wasn’t supposed to be that way! I felt so sorry for my brother. We were both victims. He seemed lost, and there was nothing I could do to help him.
Sunday, July 9, 2000
Jared has started to show violence towards me. When he gets mad at me and comes towards me, it’s just like seeing my brother. This past week, Jared got mad and pushed me. I fell backwards into the dishwasher and hurt my back. Ever since then, I have been afraid to be alone with him.
Beth has remarried. Beth and her husband said they would take Jared for the weekend. They brought Jared home with them on Friday. Beth and her husband took Jared and their kids hiking yesterday. It was nice to get a break from him. I think he was glad to get away for a few days aswell.
Monday, July 10, 2000
My calling has become even harder because the kids are off for summer vacation. The hours I have to put into my calling leave me little time to do anything with my kids. I don’t have time to deal with Jared, so Richard has called his parents to see if they will take him for a few days. Since we never see his parents, Jared doesn’t know them. I felt bad for him, but I don’t know what else to do.
Richard dropped Jard off at his parents’ house this morning, on the way to his work. Jared will be spending Monday-Wednesday at their place. Hopefully, it won’t be too bad for him! My heart aces. On Thursday, Jared will be going camping with the scouts until Saturday.
Thursday, July 20, 2000
Jared’s friends asked if he wanted to go spend the day with them. Jared said he would like to, but he needed to mow the neighbor’s lawn. His friends tried to talk him into going with them. Jared didn’t want the grass to get out of control like it had last time. One of Jared’s friends stayed behind to help him. Jared and his friend were to meet up with the other friends later this evening to watch a movie.
When Jared and his friend were done mowing the lawn, they went to the store to rent some movies. While Jared and his friend were at the store, they got a phone call saying there had been a terrible car wreck. The driver, who was one of Jared’s friends, had been killed. The rest of the friends in the car were in a coma. It had happened around the mountain, coming towards Tooele. There was a lady who had fallen asleep at the wheel and had hit the car head-on. Jared and the friend realized they could have been in the car when it wrecked.
Friday, July 21, 2000
Jared went with his friend to the hospital to visit the 3 friends who were still in a coma. When Jared got home, I could tell it had been hard on him to see his friends this way.
Saturday, July 22, 2000
Jared asked me to take him to the place where the car had wrecked. As we drove around the mountain, we could see there was still debris from the car wreck on the side of the road. I pulled the car over, and we got out to get a closer look. Jared picked up some of the broken pieces that were on the ground. It was surreal to know that this was where his friend had lost his life.
Sunday, July 23, 2000
After church, Jared went back to the hospital. When he got home, he was quiet. Jared has been nice these last few days. It’s been hard on him that his friend had died and that the other 3 are still in the hospital. They still don’t know if they are going to have brain damage.
Thursday, July 27, 2000
Jared and a few of his friends went to the funeral. When it was over, Jared brought 3 of his friends home. I could hear them talking in the living room. They were having a hard time with their friend’s death. It was an open casket. They said it was as if their friend was sleeping and would wake up at any moment. But that was not to be. They watched as the casket was closed, and he was placed in the ground.
I wish there was something I could say or do to make it better. Life can be so unfair.
Jared asked if he could leave with his friends. I told him he could as long as he was home by 10:00 pm.
I was surprised to see Jared home at 9:00 pm. I asked him why he was home so early. He said that his friends wanted to go to the gravesite and have one last drink with their friend who had passed away. They had planned to pour beer into the grave. Jared didn’t want to be part of it, so he had them bring him home.
I worry about Jared, probably more than I should, and wonder if he will make the right choices. I am glad that Jared chose not to go drinking with his friends when he had the opportunity. I need to show him more trust. I worry too much, and can’t seem to let go.
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