Wednesday, February 28, 2001
I wrote a letter to my grandmother on the computer. When I went to print it, I saw that Sarah had written something. It was a story about a girl who was playing beautiful music on the piano. No one could hear it, so she played it louder. No one still heard. When the music was gone, people noticed, but it was too late. The girl who had played the music had committed suicide. Where the girl was buried, a big, beautiful tree grew.
I’d better keep an eye out for Sarah. I could tell she was not her happy self. I asked her how things were at school. She assured me everything was fine. I thought maybe it was just being a teenager, and she would return to her happy self again.
After I had talked to the principal about Sarah being bullied, I assumed it was taken care of! Sarah was afraid to tell me because she worried I would go back to her school again and make it worse for her.
Friday, April 5, 2001
Laila is 7 now. Laila had gotten better. But lately she has started to take a turn for the worse.
Sarah’s guinea pig, Slushy, died this morning. Laila found her and got upset. Before Richard went to work, he helped Sarah and Laila bury the guinea pig.
When it was time to leave for school, Laila didn’t want to go. After an hour, I got her calmed down and finally convinced her to go to school.
When Laila got home from school, she kept screaming, “Why did Slushy die?!”‘ over and over. Then she wanted to dig her up. I told her that was not an option! This made her scream even worse. Nothing I did would calm her down. I thought I was going to lose my mind!
On the way home from work, Richard had bought 2 guinea pigs. It was a boy and a girl. One for Sarah and one for Laila. I was allergic to Slushy. My feet were swollen from hives that itched intensely. I had looked forward to having my feet return to normal. I had also looked forward to not having to clean up after Slushy. Now I will have two cages to clean instead of one.
When Laila held her new baby guinea pig, it helped her to calm down.
Sunday, April 7, 2001
Laila has had some bad moments lately. When she holds her guinea pig, it helps her calm down. My allergy has gotten worse. The hives were also on my stomach now, and they itched just as badly as the ones on my feet. Getting rid of the guinea pigs at this point is not an option, so hopefully, I will become immune to them.
Saturday, July 7, 2001
I turned 40 today. I had told Richard that I didn’t want him to make a big deal about it. I just wanted to have a relaxing day. Beth came. We went to the store together. When we got back, the house was full of people. Richard had planned a surprise party for me.
When I walked through the door, everyone yelled, “Surprise!”
I hate getting startled! It shook me to the core! I needed to be alone so that I could recover from the shock! I acted like I was happy to see everyone. The living room was decorated with streamers and balloons. A lot of friends had come to celebrate my birthday. I wish I had been prepared for it. I did my best not to let it show that I was rattled and uncomfortable.
After everyone had gone home, I was drained and wanted to sleep for the rest of the weekend. I can’t because I have been called to serve in YW. I have to prepare a lesson for tomorrow.
I had made it clear to Richard that I didn’t want a big deal made out of my birthday. He also knows it’s hard on me when I get startled. I thought he must have misunderstood something. I tried to talk to him about it. He just laughed and said, I did it because I love you. I told him it was nice of him to go to so much trouble to surprise me for my birthday. I did my best to help him understand that it’s hard on me when I get startled.
Years later, when I was diagnosed with C-PTSD, I finally understood why the surprised party had me so hard on me.
Monday, July 9, 2001
Richard and I have been planning for a while to take our camper to Canada. We were going to see where Richard had served his mission and visit with my stepdad, Bent.
Bent knew we had planned this trip for a while. Bent called this morning to say that now was not a good time. I asked him why; he said it just isn’t. Bent has no job, but right now was not a good time. I was hurt that he didn’t want us to come visit him. I am mostly mad at myself for thinking that he had changed and cared about me.
Richard and I talked it over with our kids. Since it costs a lot of money to stay at a campground, we decided to stay home. We made a list of things we could do close by.
Saturday, July 21, 2001
We packed the camper and went camping in the mountains. We ate food cooked over the campfire. We had a nice time together.
Sunday, July 29, 2001
We have had a nice vacation together this week. Besides going camping in the mountains. We went bowling and watched the downtown parade. We had a picnic, went to the park and saw fireworks. We had our family picture taken and went to watch a movie at the Dollar Theater. We also spent one night at a motel and went swimming while we were there. I am glad we had this week together. We had such an enjoyable time, something we all needed! It was how I had always imagined it should be.
Later, when I got our family picture back, I went to replace it with the one we had hanging in the hall. It was taken a couple of years ago. When I looked at the pictures side by side, I noticed that out of all my children, Jared was the one who had changed the most. I cried because I realized that in just a few more years, Jared will be grown and gone. My time with my children is fleeting, and there is nothing I can do to stop time.
Friday, August 10, 2001
It’s Jared’s birthday today. I can’t believe he is 16 already!
We have a tree house in the back yard that Jared built with Beth’s husband when he lived here. After Jared’s birthday party, Jared and Johny wanted to sleep in it. I told them I didn’t think it was a good idea because of all the mosquitoes. Both boys were excited about it and didn’t seem to be worried, so I let them.
Saturday, August 11, 2001
This morning, when Jared and Johny came back inside, I was shocked to see their faces. Especially Johny. His face looked deformed from all the mosquito bites. I tried to count them. I lost count at 59. Jared had quite a few, too, but not as many as Johny. Poor Johny! Johny said he didn’t feel good. I gave him an allergy pill every 4 hours, hoping it would help.
Sunday, August 19, 2001
The phone rang early this morning and woke us up. It was a bondsman who said I needed to come get Sander out of jail. He also wanted me to post bail. I told the bondsman no. Then he got rude and asked what kind of sister I was since I didn’t seem to care about my brother. It made me mad. I told the bondsman that if my brother was in jail, it was for a good reason, and I was not about to bail him out. Then I hung up.
I found out later that Sander was in jail because he had beaten up his latest girlfriend.
Monday, August 27, 2001
School has started again. Sarah cried because she did not want to go back to Grantsville. So, I transferred her to Tooele. There is a school bus that goes to Tooele, but Sarah is not allowed to ride on it. They said it’s because she goes to middle school and only the high schoolers can ride the bus. It’s so stupid because the bus has plenty of room, and it stops right by the middle school. Now I have to drive her to and from school every day.
Jared is allowed to ride the bus, but since I have to drive Sarah anyway, I might as well drive Jared, too. It’s hard because in the afternoon I have to wake up the boys I tend from their naps. It disrupts the whole day. But if this is what I need to do to help Sarah, then that’s what I’ll do.
Today, when Laila got home from school, she was all stressed out. School seems to be too much for her. Johny brought some papers home that I know he is not capable of doing. Oh, how I do not like the school system!
Friday, August 31, 2001
All week, whenever Laila came home from school, she screamed. Being in school all day is too much for her. I have worked with Johny and talked to his teacher. He is still bringing home papers that he is not ready to do. I have been thinking about homeschooling them.
Monday, September 3, 2001
Richard’s grandmother wanted the family to get together for Labor Day. Jared and I didn’t want to go. Since it was held at a park nearby, we went. Just like last time, Richard’s cousins were talking about the problems they were having with their kids and the pills they and their kids were on. I listened in. This time, I recognized some of the pills they were talking about because of the things I had been through since we saw them last. Part of me wanted to join in their conversation, but the biggest part just wanted to go home!
When we got home, I was depressed. Life is hard enough without all the added illness that comes through family genes.
Tuesday, September 4, 2001
In both Johny’s and Laila’s class there are 30-35 kids. Johny is not making progress, and it seems too much for Laila. I went to the school today to let them know I was going to homeschool them. Hopefully, I can give them what they need to be successful when they grow up.
Sarah has asked me to homeschool her as well. Since the program that she requires costs money, I talked to Richard about it. He let me know that it was not an potion, and he didn’t want to hear another word about it!
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