Chapter 107 Mother Stewart

Tuesday, September 11, 2001

This morning, when the teacher dropped off her son, she asked me if I had seen the news. I was in the middle of homeschooling. I turned on the TV to see what was going on. I was startled to see the Twin Towers go down the way they had. I worried that World War 3 was about to happen. I was scared but didn’t let it show and tried to make the day as normal as possible.

Wednesday, September 25, 2001

Laila is not doing better. She is doing better than when she was in school, but there is still something wrong. I took her to a doctor, but he didn’t know what was wrong, so he told me to see a different doctor.

I have an appointment with a new doctor on the 3^rd of October. I sure hope this doctor can help me because I feel like I am going to lose my mind if Laila doesn’t get better.

Tuesday, October 9, 2001

Laila’s creams have become unbearable. I try to do all the things I have learned when Laila went to the school for Autism. Nothing is working! Her screaming is nonstop!

I lost my temper and slapped her. I wanted her screams to stop, but of course, it only made it worse. Good thing Jared was there because he stepped in. He said he would take care of Laila till she had calmed down.

I thanked him. I told him I was going for a drive to get away from the screaming. Jared said, “Come back soon! And don’t hurt yourself, okay!” I assured him that I would be back. I just needed a break.

When I got back, Laila had calmed down. Laila came up to me and asked me why she had to be this way. I told her I didn’t know. Then she asked me if I loved her. I assured her that I did. I wish I knew why she screams so much! I wish I knew how to help her! I sure hope the doctor can help me find some answers!

I have to try harder not to lose my temper. I take it a day at a time and hope tomorrow will be better!

Thursday, October 11, 2001

Mom called and said that she and Arnie wanted to come visit. I let her know that I didn’t have time for it since I babysat and homeschooled. Mom said they would come and help me. I was desperate, so I agreed to let them come.

To my surprise, it was nice to have them help with homeschool. While Mom and Arnie were here, Laila seemed like a normal little girl. They had been a distraction for her.

While Mom and Arnie helped, it gave me a chance to catch up on the house. It’s been hard for me to keep up with everything because of how Laila has been.

Friday, October 12, 2001

During the day, I have Laila and Johny watch a show called “In Between the Lions.” It helps them learn. Our TV is not remote-controlled. Whenever I switch the channels, a show called “Martha Stewart” comes up. Johny insised on watching it. The first time it happened, I thought for sure Johny was going to see what it was about and then would want to change the channel to the show that I had originally planned for them to watch.

It backfired! Johny is hooked on the show! He calls her Mother Steward. I have tried to tell him that it is not her name. But he still calls her Mother Steward. Whenever I prepare food, he tells me that’s not how Mother Steward would do it. I try not to let him watch the show anymore, but he is obsessed with it. I sure hope this phase will die out soon!

Saturday, Oct 13, 2001

We are having a Halloween party for Beth’s and my family later today. I brought Johny to the store to buy food for the party. The whole time, Johny tried to tell me which products I needed to buy, because that’s what Mother Stewart buys for her family. Then he tells me what foods I need to make because that’s what Mother Stewart does. Man, I wish I had left him at home! When I got home, I was running short on time. I was worried I wouldn’t have everything done before Beth and her family arrived.

I asked Richard to help get things ready for the party. He said he needed to go to the store to buy some more food. I told him I had already bought everything that we needed. He left anyway.

He said they were eyeballs. He had looked forward to making them for our Halloween party. He insisted I was the only one who thought they didn’t look like eyeballs because I had a dirty mind.

I had so much I still needed to do for the party, and here he had wasted time and money on this dysfunctional creation. I was so frustrated with him.

When Beth arrived with her family, she took one look at the plate Richard had made. She burst into laughter. I said, “You see it too?!” She responded, “It’s hard not to!” I asked her to help me take them apart before the kids saw them. Richard got upset. He got Johny, and told him he had got the recipe from Mother Stewards’ show, and now we were taking the eyeballs apart. Johny looked at the “eyeballs.” By the look on his face, you could tell he was weirded out. Laila came into the kitchen. She got the same look on her face as Johny. It was obvious we all thought the same thing. Johny let his dad know he had never seen Mother Steward make something like that.

Before Beth and her family left, we laughed about the carrots because they had been so bizarre.

After the party, it was hard to keep my sense of humor about it. I confronted Richard about his creation. He insisted he had seen it on Martha Stewart’s show. I told him that wasn’t true because he wasn’t here during the day when it was on. We ended up getting into a huge argument.

Sunday, October 14, 2001

Richard and I have been married for 18 years today. I can’t believe we have made it this far! In order to stay in my marriage, I had convinced myself that I was to help him with his bipolar. I was to be there for his ups and downs, and when he was manic. In the next life, he would be healed. The thought that we would be blessed and happy in the next life helped me to endure the things that happened in our daily lives.

I noticed he had bought some expensive clothes. When I ask for money for the kids, he tells me we don’t have any. Anytime I spend money, it’s from babysitting. If it wasn’t for my babysitting money, I would have no money at all!

I knew he was putting a lot of money into his 401(k) and wasn’t budging for his manic shopping sprees. I asked to see all our bills. He refused. We got into an argument. Finally, Richard showed me the bills for his credit cards. He had maxed them all out again. It was as if he enjoyed seeing my face when he showed me the papers. Even though my name wasn’t on his credit cards, I still felt responsible for them. It makes me sick!

Throughout our whole marriage, I have been so careful about what I spend money on. I do all I can to keep us out of debt! Every time I go into the garage, Richard has bought a new tool. If he can’t find a tool, he just goes and buys another one.

I feel like we are in a boat full of holes. I keep trying to fix the boat and drain the water that’s coming in. If I don’t, the boat will sink, and our whole family will drown. When I have talked to him about it, he agrees with me on the necessary steps to prevent the cycle from continuing. He says he’s in charge, and I need to trust him. As soon as I turn around, he is busy drilling more holes. I just don’t understand him!

Our goals are not the same! I am pulling all the weight, while he does his own thing. Since I believe that in the eternities it would all pay off, I keep praying for strength to endure!

Saturday, October 27, 2001

Richard left this morning for Florida. He says it’s for his work. He will be gone all week.

Monday, October 29, 2001

It is hard for me to have Laila home all day long. I can’t help her. I have tried, but she is destroying me! I have covered her mouth a few times to get her to stop screaming because I can’t take it anymore! I have come close to suffocating her. It scares me!

She has a hard time falling asleep at night. Going to sleep doesn’t come naturally to her as it does for the rest of my kids. When she finally goes to sleep, then I can go to bed. When I have slept for a couple of hours, I wake up wondering what I can do differently! I can’t survive on so little sleep. If things don’t change, I will have a nervous breakdown!

I went over to the school to see if they had a program for someone like Laila. I was told there were trained teachers for special-needs students. I enrolled Laila back in school.

Wednesday, October 31, 2001

I took Laila to see a specialist today. The specialist talked to both Laila and me for a long time.

He didn’t think Laila had autism because she had been fine for a while, and now whatever she was dealing with is back. This doctor says it can be anything. The brain is a complex organ. He gave me a phone number to call. It’s about something called NAMI. Each class is 2.5 hours long. It will take 6 weeks to complete. It’s to help me get support and better understand the human brain and how to deal with what is going on with her.

The doctor prescribed some pills for Laila to see if they would help her. When I left his office, I had mixed feelings. I hate giving her pills, especially since I don’t know anything about them. At the same time, I feel like I have no other choice. I am sad I have to deal with all this. I feel so alone!

Friday, November 2, 2001

Richard has sent me daily emails with pictures from his business trip. He said the young guy in the photos was his coworker. It’s pictures of all the things they have done during the day. I emailed back and asked how he had time for all those things he was doing with his coworker. When they were supposed to be there for work. He wrote back that the classes didn’t take very long, leaving the rest of the day free for them to do whatever they wanted. He would end each email telling me he wished I could be there with him. Adding that he missed and loved me.

The last email he sent before flying back, he added, “When the day came for him to retire, we would have his 401k to do all these things together, plus more. It gave me hope for our future.

Sunday, November 4, 2001

When we got home from church today, Laila started to scream. She kept screaming that she wanted to commit suicide. I tried to give Laila the pill that the doctor had prescribed for her when she had a tantrum. Laila wouldn’t take it. I had to force it down her throat. After I had given her the pill, she sat by the computer and sang a song while playing a game.

Laila looked so cute sitting there. She has no idea what she has just put me through! If this keeps up, I feel like I am going to end up in a psych ward.

I can’t wait for Laila to go back to school tomorrow! I am still going to homeschool Johny because he is making so much progress. Maybe next year he can go back to school again.

Tuesday, November 6, 2001

Laila has started to see a counselor today. Her name is Nancy. Nancy is going to help her learn to live with her illness.

Sunday, November 11, 2001

Laila has done well all week at school. Laila asked me if God was perfect. I told her yes. Then she asked, “Why did he make a mistake when he made me?” I assured Laila that she was not a mistake and that the Lord had his reasons. Someday, we would come to understand His purpose.

Tuesday, November 13, 2001

I took Laila to see her counselor today. Since Laila is only 7, I did not expect the questions she had for Nancy. Laila wanted to know if she would be able to have children of her own someday, and if she did, if her children would have the same illness as she had. I could tell Nancy was surprised by her questions as well.

Nancy was honest with Laila and told her that she could not have children and take the medicine that she was on. But maybe in the future, there would be a medication that would be safe for her to take while she was pregnant. If Laila had children, there was a 50 percent chance that her children would be born with the same illness that she had.

Sunday, November 18, 2001

When we got home from church today, Laila sat in the living room and cried. I asked her what was wrong. She told me that she wanted kids someday, but she didn’t want them to have the same illness that she had. It broke my heart!

I went into my closet and prayed that she would be healed from what she was going through.

Saturday, December 1, 2001

Richard has asked me to put aside whatever mail he got. A letter arrived in the mail today. Even though it had his name on it, I was curious to see what it was about. When I opened it, it was an invoice from the hotel where he and his coworker had been staying. It said the amount for the master suite and for room service. There was also the amount from the hotel restaurant. The bill was for two meals each time they ate there. I was horrified. Did this mean that it was NOT a business trip?! Does this mean we were responsible for the amount that he had spent?! What was going on?!

I ran in to ask Richard what it was all about. He got furious and ripped the letter out of my hand. I wanted to go over it with him. He said it was not for me to be concerned about. He was to give this bill to his boss. I asked why the bill was in his name. Why was he responsible for the bill? As always, Richard had a quick response! He said there had been a problem with the works’ credit card, and therefore his boss had asked him to use his own. He was to save the invoice when it came in the mail and then give it to his boss so that he could get it reimbursed.

It didn’t make sense to me! But he wouldn’t lie to me about something like that, so I believed him.

Years later, when I brought this up to my therapist, I asked her how I could have been so stupid to believe what he had said. Especially since it was all on paper, and it even included a master suite. No work pays for that?!

She helped me understand I wasn’t stupid. If I had faced the facts, then what else in my marriage was a lie? It was easier for me to accept that he was telling the truth. I still couldn’t understand how I should have been so blind! She told me I was a good person and, therefore, I would never do something like that to anyone else. I never expected someone who was supposed to have loved me more than anything else in the world to do what he had done to me.

Even though my therapist helped me understand how he got away with everything he did, I still struggle with it! People tell me to get over it and not to give him any more of my energy. I try! Hopefully, one day I can feel peace!

Sunday, December 2, 2001

Sander called from jail and asked me to bail him out. I don’t understand that he can’t understand that no matter how many times he goes to jail, I am not going to bail him out!

Sander was in jail again for the same reason as last time. This time, the girlfriend was in the hospital with serious injuries. Mom called the girlfriend to talk to her. Mom wanted the girlfriend to tell the police that she had changed her mind about pressing charges against Sander so that he could get out of jail.

The girlfriend said she wouldn’t because Sander had beaten her so badly that he had almost killed her. I wonder if Mom was still in denial about Sander beating up women. I wonder if Mom finally gets why Beth and I are afraid of him. I wish they would keep him in jail so that he won’t be able to hurt anyone else!

Sunday, December 9, 2001

We have changed our phone number, so Sander couldn’t call us. I had asked Mom not to give Sander my new number, but she gave it to him anyway. Sander called me today, but I won’t answer the phone. He called over and over again. I don’t understand why Mom gave him my phone number after I told her not to! I am afraid when he gets out of jail, he is going to come after me for not answering his call and bailing him out.

Thursday, December 13, 2001

When I took Laila to see Nancy today, Laila told her that she wanted to live with her. Nancy asked why. Laila said it was because I made her do chores. Nancy assured Laila that if she lived with her, she would have to do chores at her house just like she did at home. Then she added, it’s important that children help out in their families. Laila was surprised to hear that. It hurt me that Laila doesn’t understand just how much I love her! She has no clue what I am going through because of her! Laila thinks that if she moves in with Nancy, all her problems will go away.

Saturday, December 15, 2001

Mom called Beth and asked her to come visit her. Beth went with her daughters to Mom’s place. Beth didn’t know that Sander had gotten out of jail. When Beth got to Mom’s house, Sander was hiding. While Beth was talking to Mom, Sander jumped out from his hiding spot. Both Mom and Sander thought it was funny to see how Beth reacted.

Mom knows we are afraid to have our kids around him! I don’t understand why Mom tries to force him on us! Mom must be in denial about how dangerous he is!

Beth and I were to have spent Christmas with our families at Mom’s place. Since Sander is living with Mom again, Beth and I have let Mom know we won’t be coming. Mom says we are overreacting and is upset with us. Beth and I don’t want to take a chance on Sander being sober or off drugs.

Beth invited my family and me over for Christmas instead of going to Mom’s. We accepted the invitation.

Monday, December 24, 2001

Sander called my house and told Richard that he wanted to speak to me. He wanted to talk me into coming over to Mom’s place this evening for Christmas. I can’t take a chance that he is not drunk or in a harmful mood. I told Richard to tell him that I was not home.

A few minutes later, Beth called to say Sander had called her, demanding that we come to Mom’s place tonight to celebrate Christmas. Beth told him that we were staying home. Sander got upset, but we are not going to give in to his demands!

Mom and Arnie showed up at my place. I got out my journal and let them read the page where I had written about the Christams where Sander had been allowed to beat me. After they had read it, Mom was furious and said it never happened! I turned to Arnie and asked if he believed what I had written. He shock hi head no. I felt sick! I had just gotten revictimized! I relived the whole event that happened that evening. People had listened to the beating, and no one did anything about it because Mom had assured them that this was okay. Now I was an adult, and still had no control over what happened that Christmas!

I swore to myself, from that moment on, Arnie was nothing more than an acquaintance to me.

Later, my family and I went to Beth’s house to celebrate Christmas.