Sunday, January 6, 2002
Christmas break has been tough. I am glad Laila is going back to school tomorrow! The doctor has prescribed her a daily pill. He said it will take time before we know if the pills work.
Monday, January 14, 2002
I woke up at 3:00 am. I worry so much about Laila! I went to check on her. She was sleeping peacefully. One would never know she can be such a handful when she is awake. I tried to go back to sleep, but it was useless. I got up and started to clean the house. The house was quiet. I wish it could be this way all the time.
Tuesday, January 15, 2002
The church office building needed extra security guards since the Olympics are next month. His work has asked for volunteers. Richard proudly told me that he had signed up for it. This means that he would have to leave at 4:30 am and not be home until 10:00 pm. I don’t understand him!
How could he do this to me at a time when I need so much help with Laila? I am so scared I am going to lose my mind! I don’t understand God’s purpose. If I have to go through this trial, at least give me a supportive husband!
Wednesday, January 30, 2002
Laila had a good day today. I wish I knew what makes her have good days and what triggers the bad ones. She has had so many blessings, but they don’t work. I keep praying for a miracle, but nothing happens!
Thursday, January 31, 2002
Ed Law called me today. He could hear Laila screaming in the background. He told me she needed a blessing to cast the devil out of her. I didn’t know how to respond, so I told him I couldn’t talk right now.
I know people can’t understand what I am dealing with. I know it sounds brutal when she screams. But to go as far as to say she needed the devil cast out was hurtful. I cried most of the day because of what he had said.
Tuesday, February 5, 2002
I enjoy doing homeschool with Johny. He is so cute and easy to deal with. Today, after we had worked for a little bit, he fell asleep on the sofa. The boys I tend had a nap at the same time. It gave me a few quiet moments to write a letter to my grandma.
Thursday, February 14, 2002
It’s Valentine’s Day today. Richard gave me a beautiful gold heart necklace with rubies and matching earrings. He also gave me candy. He knows how I feel about buying things that aren’t a necessity. I wish he would wait to buy things like this until we are out of debt. I don’t feel right about the gift when we don’t have the money for it. I figured he had done it out of kindness, so I acted grateful.
Sunday, March 3, 2002
Sander is always calling collect. He either needs money or wants to know if he can move in with us. I always let the answering machine pick up. I could tell he sounded sober, so I picked up the phone. Sander felt lost and was sad. I talked to him for a while because I felt sorry for him.
Monday, March 11, 2002
I can tell that Johny is making a lot of progress now that he is being homeschooled. I am so excited about it! He is starting to read better each day. I think he will be ready to start second grade when school starts again in August.
Thursday, March 28, 2002
A policeman came to the door. He said someone from our house had been calling 911, and then hung up. The police tried to call us back, but the line was busy. I called Laila to come to the door. She admitted that she was the one who had been calling them. The policeman told Laila not to call again unless it was a real emergency. I let the officer know I would keep a closer eye on her.
I asked her why she had done it, but she didn’t have an answer.
Friday, March 29, 2002
The kids have been off for spring break. I am looking forward to Laila going back to school. Since the doctor prescribed medication for her to take daily, he says I don’t need the pill that helps her calm down when she has one of her tantrums.
The tantrums seem nonstop. When she is like this, I have to restrain her so that she doesn’t break things or hurt herself. Laila is 9 now and getting stronger. I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up.
Sometimes it can take up to 2 hours for her to calm down. It’s a long time to be restraining her. But in the process, I have been getting stronger as well. It’s hard mentally. I keep hoping Heavenly Father will heal her before I end up needing to be restrained myself.
By the end of this week, I felt I had no more strength left. I covered her mouth to make the screaming stop. In the process, she can’t breathe, and then she doesn’t get enough oxygen. There are times I am afraid I am going to kill her.
When I pray, it seems no one is listening. I need a break! I feel like the worst mother in the world! I wish Heavily Farther would hear my plea!
Sunday, March 31, 2002
When we got home from church today, I could hear Laila screaming in her bedroom. I ran downstairs to see what was going on. When I opened her door, she had torn her room apart. I held her down and kept her restrained till she had calmed down. After almost an hour, she finally calmed down.
Friday, April 26, 2002
Jared’s prom is today. In the evening, the parents were invited to The Stake Capital to watch their kids dance. I wanted to go, but I was afraid to leave Laila.
Beth said she would bring her girls and watch her. I warned Beth that Laila could be hard. Beth told me to go have a good time and not to worry about anything at home.
It was so nice to see Jared and his friends dance. Jared looked so grown-up. I was so glad I had this opportunity.
When Richard and I got home, I could hear Laila screaming in the garage. I hurried and got her. Beth apologized for locking her in. Laila had gotten violent, and she didn’t know what else to do.
Beth told me that she had no idea this was what I dealt with daily. I told Beth that I was hoping her medicine would start working and that I dealt with it a day at a time.
Saturday, April 27, 2002
Richard’s oldest sister, *Carol, and her husband were visiting from Texas. They were in Utah because they had taken their daughter *Joice, to a home. Joice is 17. After talking to Carol, it sounded like Joice was a lot like Laila. Carol and her husband could no longer deal with her. They came to Utah to place her in a home. It will cost them $3000 a month. Carol says they can’t afford it, so they have taken out a loan.
I sure hope we won’t have to do that with Laila. While Carol and her husband visited, Carol showed me some pictures of Joice. I was surprised to see how much Joice looked like Laila. It broke my heart to think these beautiful girls have to suffer so much because of what they are dealing with.
Thursday, May 2, 2002
There is a teacher named Kelly at Laila’s school. Kelly works with special needs students. Kelly told me that she lived in Stansbury and that I was welcome to call her after hours if I ever needed some extra help.
When Laila came home from school today, she started screaming and breaking things. I called Kelly to see if she was available to come over. Kelly came right away! I could tell Kelly was surprised to see Laila this way.
Kelly didn’t have to restrain her. Kelly stayed with Laila until she had calmed down. When she had calmed down, Laila felt bad that Kelly had seen her this way.
Sunday, May 5, 2002
Laila looks up to Kelly. Laila has worked hard on what Kelly has taught her. I am so grateful for Kelly.
I took Lala off the medicine since it wasn’t working. Even though we have insurance, we still have to pay a lot out of pocket. If it worked, I wouldn’t mind, but since it doesn’t, there is no sense in giving it to her. I still give her the sleeping pill that has been prescribed since she can’t fall asleep without it.
Tuesday, May 7, 2002
I took Laila to see her doctor today. I told him that Laila’s medicine was not working. He prescribed something else. He said it would take about 3-4 weeks to work.
Sunday, May 12, 2002
When we got home from church today, I started to write my grandma a letter. I had a strong feeling that I should go check on Laila. Then I thought she was being quiet, so I would check on her when I had finished the letter.
I heard a voice saying, “You need to go check on Laila!” I thought she was being quiet, so I will check on her when I am done with my letter. Then it said, “If you wait till you are done, it will be too late!” It startled me. I hurried downstairs to check on her. She was lying on the floor. She had tied a metal wire around her neck. As quickly as I could, I got the wire off her throat. It was not easy because she had twisted it tight.
By now, Laila was almost unconscious. I called Richard. Jared watched Sarah and Johny while we brought Laila to the Primary Children’s Hospital.
On the way to the hospital, I asked Laila why she had done that. Laila said, “I have tried to be good, but I can’t do it anymore! I don’t know why I have to be this way! I don’t want to live this way anymore!”
When we got to the hospital, you could still see the mark from the wire that had been around her throat.
Laila was admitted to the hospital. She was put in a room where there was nothing she could get hurt on. They couldn’t tell me how long she would have to stay there. Before the doctor locked the door, I hugged her and let her know we would be back for her and that I loved her. We talked to the doctor for a while and let him know her history and what medications she was on. He said sometimes children become suicidal from being on the wrong medications.
Monday, May 13, 2002
I went to Laila’s school to let Kelly know what had happened to Laila. Kelly and I looked through Laila’s desk. There were suicide notes that she had written. There were also pictures she had drawn. One was of herself in a casket. The other was a picture of a girl, which she then had ripped into pieces and glued onto a paper. Laila had written “Me” under that picture. On one of the papers, it said, “I am stupid, and everyone knows that I am stupid. I am trying to be like Jesus, but can’t because I am stupid, and I wish I were dead.”
My heart felt like it had been ripped into pieces. I told Kelly that I didn’t know when she would come back to school.
Laila drew this picture when she got home from the hospital. She said that she wished she could be with Jesus. Then she wouldn’t have to struggle so much.
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