Chapter 115 Life Raft

Saturday, July 12, 2003

I went camping this week with Sarah and the Young Women in our ward. I had been looking forward to it and hoped it would bring Sarah and me closer. When we arrived at the campsite, I was told I couldn’t sleep in the same tent as Sarah. I said, “But she’s my daughter!” I was told it didn’t matter. I was upset about it, but didn’t say anything. Sarah then slept in the same tent as another girl her age named *Gina.

Throughout the week, I barely saw Sarah because of all the planned activities, and when I did, she was distant and said little. I wish I had been more assertive and insisted on sleeping in the same tent as her. But having been abused growing up, I have been conditioned to obey, and I was afraid to make waves.

Now that we’re back home from camp, Sarah seems even more distant. I feel like she’s drowning. I try to throw her a life raft, but she won’t grab it.

I found out months later that Gina, who shared Sarah’s tent, was into Satanism. When they went into the tent at night, Gina showed Sarah how to cast spells. I will never forgive myself for not insisting that Sarah and I share the same tent, regardless of church rules!

Saturday, August 2, 2003

I’m afraid of Brutis. Jared suggested I try to get closer to him and recommended taking him for walks.

This morning, I got up early and took Brutis for a walk. The walk went well. But once we were in the backyard, Brutis suddenly attacked me. I kept kicking him to stop him from biting my face. I was terrified! While I was kicking him away, I kept yelling for help.

I knew my family was asleep, but I kept hoping Richard would hear me because I was standing right outside our bedroom window.

It felt like an eternity before Richard finally came out in his bathrobe. He was upset and yelled, “What is all the shouting about?! It’s early Saturday morning, and I am trying to sleep!” As soon as Brutis saw him, he sat down. I told Richard that the dog had tried to attack me. Richard acted like I was overreacting. Then he admitted that the dog had also tried to attack him. He said he had been carrying a baseball bat so he wouldn’t get hurt by him.

When the kids woke up, I told them what had happened. Sarah, Laila, and Johny said they were scared of the dog because it had been acting aggressively toward them as well.

Friday, August 8, 2003

All week, Brutis has been trying to escape the backyard. I am afraid he will get out and hurt a child. If it were to happen, I would never be able to live with myself.

I’ve done everything I can to stop him from escaping, but he seems determined to get out. None of us except Jared is afraid to be near him. It’s only a matter of time before he seriously injures someone.

Sunday, August 10, 2003

Jared turned 18. After celebrating his birthday, we held a family meeting and decided, for everyone’s safety, to put Brutis down. I felt terrible that it coincided with Jared’s birthday, but it couldn’t be delayed.

Monday, August 11, 2003

This morning, Jared went into the backyard to get Brutis. It was heartbreaking to watch. When Brutis saw Jared with his leash, he got excited. Jared put the leash on him and opened the car door. Brutis was so happy to leave with Jared. His tail wagged vigorously as he excitedly jumped into the car. Poor Brutis didn’t know this would be his last ride. The rest of the day, the kids and I cried.

I wish there had been a better solution, but Brutis was a ticking time bomb. I felt even worse for Jared because Brutis was never aggressive towards him.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

My kids and I have looked for another dog. It seems that good dogs cost between $500 and $1,500. Paying that much was out of the question. Now that we’ve had a dog, I’m even more afraid of dogs than I was before.

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Monday, September 22, 2003

Richard said he has to go on a business trip to California. He mentioned that another guy from work, whom I had never met, was also going. I asked him how such a small company could afford to send them on a trip. He quickly replied that it was because the company wanted its employees to learn more about the job so they could be more successful. It sounded logical, so I didn’t question it any further. Then Richard said I was welcome to come along, but I would have to pay for it myself. Then he said, I know you are saving up for Denmark, so I guess we will have to wait until another opportunity comes along.

This time, I didn’t get any pictures from the trip. Only nightly emails telling me he missed and loved me.

Saturday, September 27, 2003

Richard is a hoarder. I try to help him clean up his stuff, but he gets agitated because he can’t part with anything. All week, while he’s been gone, I’ve done my best to clean out the garage and get rid of most of the clutter. The garage looks so much better now! Richard always gets upset when he sees the garage cleaned up because he is afraid I have gotten rid of something important. Since it’s all junk, he can never tell me what he is missing.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

We’ve been married for 20 years. I can’t believe we’ve made it this far!

Monday, October 20, 2003

A bondsman called today and asked me to bail Sander out of jail. I told him that if Sander was in jail, that’s where he needed to be! The bondsman tried to guilt me into posting Sander’s bail. I assured him I felt much safer knowing he was in jail and would rather have him rot there than bail him out!

Beth has installed an alarm system in case Sander shows up. I want to do the same, but it’s expensive. If Sander comes around, hopefully I can get to the phone in time.

I looked up Sander’s name online to see what I could find. I was shocked to come across so many mug shots of him.

Sunday, October 26, 2003

I’ve never seen Richard as depressed as he is now. He keeps talking about suicide. Richard saw a different doctor this week, hoping that this one could help him find the right medication.

I’ve checked online how much plane tickets to Denmark cost. Richard says he’s going with me. I told him I was going alone, but he won’t accept it. He’s depressed, and I worry about him. I feel like I have no choice but to save up for two tickets.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

I went to the doctor today because I keep having stress attacks. They are so painful! Every time I get one, I think it’s a heart attack.

The doctor asked me what was going on in my life, so I told him. He then jokingly said the best thing I could do was run as far away from family as possible. Since that’s not realistic, he gave me some pills that are supposed to help with stress. I really hope they start working soon!

The doctor also asked me to make an appointment for Sarah. He wants to see if treating her for depression will be effective.

Saturday, 20, 2003

I received a Christmas letter from a friend. Her letter was all about how blessed she was. Her husband received a promotion, and she was working on earning a degree. Her daughter received a scholarship to a college, and the rest of her kids were getting straight A’s. The letter ended with, After Christmas, they would be moving into a bigger house.

My friend was married around the same time I was and has four children like me. They are a perfect family. It’s not that I am jealous of her; it’s just that life doesn’t seem fair.

I thought, if I were to write my yearly Christmas letter, it would sound something like this.

My husband is lucky to have a job. My son is on medication to help him manage his anger. My daughter had to attend summer school and will start medication because she’s depressed. I have to homeschool my two youngest because they don’t fit the mold. We are in debt and fortunate to keep our house. We adopted a puppy, but he turned out to be a psychopath, so we had to put him down. I thought I was done babysitting, but I had to take in more kids to keep up with the bills. I just started medication, so I can deal with everything and everyone. Yeah, needless to say, I’m just going to send cards wishing everyone a Merry Christmas.

I love my kids! I just wish life wasn’t so hard!

Sunday, December 21, 2003

Today in church, a lady gave a talk about how the Lord gives the hardest trials to the people he loves the most. I thought He must love me an awful lot!

I feel like I’m being ground into a diamond! I need to see it all as a compliment from my Father in Heaven and believe that someday I will shine ever so brightly! That’s, if I can endure without losing my mind first!

Monday, December 22, 2003

The doctor prescribed the same medication for Sarah as Jared, but it’s making her so sick that she vomits after taking it. The doctor will try to see if a different pill can help her.

I send Sarah to school, but she ends up going somewhere else. When she’s home, she yells at everyone and smells like smoke. She has become hard to be around. I hope the doctor finds the right medication for her.

Sunday, December 28, 2003

I have saved enough money for two plane tickets. I am looking forward to getting a break!

Monday, December 29, 2003

Sarah’s condition has gotten worse. She got a black marker and wrote lyrics from songs about suicide. She also wrote, “Sorry, I am not perfect! Boys are stupid!”

All she had done during Christmas break was sleep.

When she was awake, she asked if she could go to her friend Carlie’s house. I thought it would be good for her to get out, so I said yes. Later, Carlie called to ask if Sarah could come over. I then looked for Sarah in the neighborhood.

I found her at a house where she is not allowed, but she went anyway.

When we got back home, she started yelling in my face. I stayed calm. I tried to put my arms around her, wanting to reassure her that, no matter what she was going through, I was there for her. But Sarah pushed me away and became even more irate.

None of us in the family wants to be around her because of how she is acting. I wish I knew how to reach her.

When Richard came home from work, Sarah started yelling in his face. I told her to stop, then Richard angrily looked at me and said it was fine with him. I told him it was not okay to behave that way. Then Sarah got in my face and started yelling. I slapped her across the face. It startled both of us. I didn’t mean to; I just wanted all the yelling to stop. I felt so bad about hitting her! But the damage was already done.

I’m losing her, and I don’t know how to help her. I sure hope next year will be better!