Chapter 117 Blindsided

Tuesday, January 13, 2004,

Richard was supposed to drive Sarah to school on his way to work, then pick her up afterward. He had been acting strange. He slept less than two hours a night.

He took the dryer out of the laundry room and left it in the middle of the living room. Then he disassembled it and left it there. He said he needed to do that or the dryer would blow up the house. I asked him how long he planned to leave it there. He said as long as we were in danger, he couldn’t put it back. I didn’t understand what he was talking about.

His manager called to tell me Richard had been acting strange at work. He said Richard had called some employees to a meeting. In the meeting, he rambled on and made no sense. He asked if I knew what was going on.

One of the ladies I babysit for called to say that Richard had invited her and her family to come over for Family Home Evening. He asked her to play the piano. She said it had been years since she had played, but he still insisted she play for us. Then she asked if he was okay. I told her not to worry about coming over for FHE, and that I wasn’t sure what was going on with him.

Later, my mom called to say she had just had lunch with Richard, who had invited her to a restaurant. During their lunch, he praised her and thanked her for everything she’s done for us. She wanted to know if he was okay, and I told her he wasn’t doing well.

Then the Bishop called me to say he was concerned about Richard because he had called him.

When I got a hold of Richard’s doctor, he told me that, based on everything I had described about Richard, he could tell that Richard had been misusing the Adderall. The doctor advised me to call the hospital and have Richard admitted. I told him that we didn’t have insurance and couldn’t afford another hospital bill. He then said, “Okay, if you do as I say, and if Richard agrees to it, then he will be under your care. I will call you daily to check on him.” The doctor asked me to find Richard’s pills and flush them down the toilet.

Then he had me promise that I wouldn’t start taking them. I assured him I had no intention of doing that.

Just as I had flushed the pills, Richard walked through the door. He looked confused and distraught.

I told Richard that his boss had called and that he would be on leave until he was better. Then I let him know that the doctor wanted me to ask him if he would agree to do what I was going to ask of him, or else the doctor was going to have someone come get him, and he would be locked up for a while.

Richard didn’t want to get locked up, so he agreed to follow the doctor’s orders. I told him he no longer had the Adderall and to go straight to bed.

Saturday, January 17, 2004

It’s been quite the week! Richard slept for 2 days straight. Then every day after that, he would wake up to eat and go to the bathroom. During the week, he slowly returned to himself. The doctor has started him on some new medication. He seems to be doing better and will go back to work tomorrow.

During the week, I have been driving Sarah to her new school. It’s run by the state, and Child Protective Services is involved. The school is from 8:00 am to 5:00 pm, then I pick her up again. It’s about an hour away.

It’s been challenging because I have taken in more kids to babysit. I worked it out with the parents. I end up having to bring some of the kids with me, depending on what time of the day I am needed.

There is a counselor at the school that Sarah sees while she is there. They have strict rules. She is not allowed to wear black, and if they find that she is using drugs, alcohol, or cutting herself, she is going to be in a place where she will get locked up and can’t come home at night.

Sarah still has 7 more weeks left at this school. Hopefully, now that Richard can go back to work, he can start driving her.

All week, when Sarah comes home from school, she yells at all of us and makes life miserable!

During the week, Sarah and Jared got into a heated argument. Jared told her that I did everything for her, and there was no reason for her to be so awful to be around. He also told her that maybe he should start acting up so he would get a ceiling in his room, have his room painted, and get new curtains with matching bedding.

I felt terrible when I heard him say that. I know it seems unfair that Sarah is getting so much. It’s hard to be fair when your kids have different needs.

I always wanted a family. I had no idea this was what it would be like! I don’t know how much longer I can take it!

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Richard said he felt well enough to come to church with us. After Church he went to see the Bishop to ask him for a blessing.

When we got home from Church I had Sarah make cookies with me so we could give them to all the ward members who had helped us paint her room and put in a new ceiling.

Sarah wanted to know why we needed to do that. I told her to thank everyone who had helped us. She wasn’t happy about it! She said, “I don’t get why we need to thank them. They live for that shit!” I tried to help her understand that everyone had done it out of the goodness of their hearts because they cared about her. She seemed oblivious to what I was trying to tell her.

She reluctantly helped me make the cookies, and then we handed them to the members who had been there for us.

Friday, January 23, 2004

Sarah still has 6 weeks left at the rehabilitation center. The rehab center doesn’t seem to be working. Instead, she seems to be getting worse. Sarah is meeting other people who cut, drink, and do drugs.

Sarah proudly told me how they share secrets for doing things without getting caught. It seems to be reinforcing the bad behavior that I was trying to get rid of.

Once a week in the evenings, Sarah, Richard, and I have been asked to see the counselor assigned to her. The counselor is making everything worse between Sarah and me. She reminds me of Mark Treuhaft. Some people just shouldn’t be allowed to be coulsners!

The counselor seems to think she has all the answers and mixes the 13 articles of faith into our sessions. She tried to make me feel stupid for not having memorized them. It has nothing to do with helping Sarah get better. It makes no sense, especially since the school or rehab center has nothing to do with religion. She also told me that it’s okay, Sarah listens to songs that are about committing suicide. I want to pull Sarah out of the school, but I am told I can’t until she has completed all 8 weeks. If I do, CPS will get involved, and she can be taken away from me permanently.

Sunday, January 25, 2004

Richard has gone back to work this week. After church, the Bishop called Richard into his office. When he came home from seeing the Bishop, I asked him how it went. Richard told me he would talk to me about it tonight.

When Richard and I had gone to bed, Richard told me that last week, when he had gotten a blessing from the Bishop, it was because he had confessed to him that he was gay, and that’s why he had asked for the blessing.

This morning, as he was getting ready for church, he felt the blessing had worked. It felt so good when he had taken a shower because he felt all his sins had been washed down the drain. The Bishop had called him into his office to see how it was going. The Bishop had told him that for him to get all better, he had to confess to me that he was gay.

I was speechless. So many thoughts went racing through my head! I was trying to process what he had just said!

Before I had a chance to respond, he added, “I am so happy the blessing worked! I am a new man! He acted as if I should be just as thrilled about it as he was.

I told him I was sure this was something you could recover from overnight!

He was still acting like I should be sharing his excitement. I told him to hold on; I had some questions I needed answers to! He nonchalantly asked, “Like what?!”

I asked if he had acted on it. He said the only thing he had done was masturbate when he was in the shower. I asked, “All these years you didn’t want to have anything to do with me because you were gratifying yourself in the shower?!” He said, “Yes, but now that he had confessed and had a blessing, he was all better.”

I asked him when it all started. He said when he first went through puberty, he had experimented with a friend. Before he went on his mission, he confessed to his Bishop what he had done, and the Bishop told him that as long as he hadn’t acted on it since he was a teenager, he was worthy to go on a mission.

While he was on his mission, he struggled with feelings for some of the other missionaries he had met. When his mission was done, he had confessed to his Mission President. The Mission President had told him, as soon as he got home, to look for a wife, and once he was married, not to act on those thoughts. Then it would all go away.

I asked him if Bishop White, the one we both had in the Single Adult Ward, knew. He said yes because he had confessed to him something that he had done. I said, Bishop White knew, but gave you a Temple recommend anyway?!” Richard answered, “Yes and advised me to hurry and marry you. He told me not to think about it and had assured me that as long as I stopped acting on it, it would all go away.”

I was horrified! I trusted that Richard was worthy of the Temple recommend that Bishop White had given him! I was never told! I was never given a choice whether this was something I wanted to be part of! I felt victimized! 20 years of my life were gone!

I continued to ask questions. “When we went to marriage counseling with the first therapist, did he know? Was that why he told me to leave? He said yes.

Did Mark Truhoft know?! Again, the answer was yes. Once again, I felt victimized!

Over the past 20 years, he had me believing it was me, that there was something wrong with, and that was why he didn’t want to have anything to do with me. Then, come to find out, it was him the whole time!

Throughout the years, he had brought up the fact that I was not a virgin when we married. Even though he knew the circumstances. He had rubbed it in my face over and over again that he had never slept with a woman before he got married. Come to find out, he had done something much worse, and he had done it willingly!

I asked him if he had acted on it after we were married. He assured me that he hadn’t. Then he said I feel so relieved now that I told you. I am so happy that it’s all behind us now.

By now, my head was spinning. I thought you might feel better about it! As for me, to say I felt sick to my stomach would be an understatement!

Richard wanted to prove to me that he had repented of being gay, so he started to touch me. I told him that everything he had told me, I would need some time to process. I was not ready to have anything to do with him!

I tried to push him away. He was determined to prove to me that he was no longer gay and started to force himself on me. I tried harder to push him off. I started to cry and kept telling him to stop! But he wouldn’t listen. He was too strong for me, so I lay there and cried.

When he was done, he looked at me. Then he said, “I guess that was bad.” I didn’t say anything. I wiped my tears, went to the bathroom, cleaned myself off, and went back to bed.

Monday, January 26, 2004

I never went to sleep. I was still going over in my head everything he had told me. These past 20 years all made sense now, yet it didn’t. I couldn’t understand how so many people knew, and no one had said anything to me!

This morning, Richard still acted as if I should be fine with everything, since he had been cured. Never mind that I had just lost 20 years of my life and felt victimized and revictimized!

There was no way I was going to Denmark with him!

I wanted to call Bishop White to let him know I trusted that Temple recommend that he had given him! He knew! I was never given a choice! I wanted to let him know that I had lost 20 years of my life! 20 years that I can NEVER get back! I wanted to tell him never to advise anyone who was gay to just get married!

I made some phone calls. I needed to find that Bishop before he caused any more damage! It turned out he had passed away 10 years ago. I wanted to go to his grave and kick his tombstone. But I knew it wouldn’t do any good. The damage was already done!

I had to figure out how to get my kids and myself out of this! Until then, I would have to go into survival mode.

Tuesday, January 27, 2005

Richard’s dad, Phil, called me today to tell me what an awful mom I was. He told me that all the problems we were having with Sarah were all my fault. I tried to defend myself, but the more I tried, the more abusive he got. He told me that if Sarah wanted to draw with a black marker on her wall, I had to let her because it was her way of expressing herself.

I talked to him for more than 30 minutes. The whole time, he was telling me what an awful mom I was and giving me all kinds of advice. I should have hung up on him! I wonder what he thought he was going to accomplish by doing this to me? I also wondered how he knew about Sarah.

I figured the only way he could have known was if Ricard had called and told him. Why Richard would have done that, I will never understand!

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

I am having a hard time with everything Richard has told me. I’m sad and angry about how Phil talked to me yesterday! I had been victimized by him as well! The worst part was that I let him get away with it! I have to stop thinking about it! I wish I knew why I can’t speak up when people are abusive towards me!

I could see on the caller ID that Phil called again today. I didn’t know how to deal with him, so I never answered the phone.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Phil called again today. This time, I picked up the phone. Over the years, when Sander wanted to pick a fight, I would agree with everything he said. It would often catch Sander off guard, and he would stop fighting. Other times, it would make him even angrier because he was determined to start a fight.

I thought it would be fun to see how Phil would react with me agreeing to everything he was going to say.

Sure enough, Phil told me what a lousy mom I was. I agreed. Throughout the conversation, I agreed with everything he said. Twice during the conversation, Phil paused and asked, “Are you mad at me?” I answered, “Why would I be mad?” I wanted to give Phil a piece of my mind, but I knew that wouldn’t accomplish anything, so I just played stupid because I could tell it was confusing him. Besides, messing with his mind was much more gratifying!

I could tell the conversation had not gone the way he had expected. It ended with him saying, “I will call you later.” he hung up before I had a chance to respond.

Saturday, January 31, 2004

Phil called again this morning. Part of me dreaded answering the phone. Another part of me couldn’t wait to see how the conversation was going to go.

This time Phil told me that I needed to let Sarah drive our car so she could go wherever she wanted. Phil had a whole lot more advice. Again, I agreed with everything he was saying. I could tell I was irritating him, so he ended the conversation. I don’t understand why Phil was doing this, but boy, it was fun to annoy him!

All week, I had been thinking about what happened last Sunday. I had to get a divorce. I needed to figure out the best way to go about it. I would talk to the Bishop at church tomorrow. I was sure he would help me find the resources I needed. I even went as far as to think the church would pay for it, since they were the ones responsible for giving him the Temple recommend.

Sunday, February 1, 2002

After church, the Bishop told me he wanted to talk to me and asked if I would come over to his house tomorrow evening. I told him I had some things on my mind that I needed to talk to him about as well.

Monday, February 2, 2002

When I got to the Bishop’s house, he told me to come into his office so that we could talk privately.

The Bishop told me that when he saw me at church yesterday, he was worried about me. He said I looked rundown and wasn’t my happy self. He asked me if Richard had told me that he was gay and that he had repented. I told him he had.

I told the Bishop for years I had wanted a divorce since I knew something was terribly wrong. I told him that Richard had been given a Temple recommend that he wasn’t worthy of when we got married. I was never given a choice about whether I wanted to go along with it. Now I could go through with a divorce because I felt I had been released from the covenant I had made when I had married him in the Temple.

The Bishop didn’t seem to hear a word of what I was saying. Instead, he told me now that Richard had repented, I needed to be there for him. I needed to be strong for my family and endure the trials the Lord had given me. I couldn’t believe what he was saying!

That was not what I wanted to hear or why I thought he wanted to talk to me! The Bishop told me that to feel peace, I needed to go to the Temple.

When I went to bed, I felt lost. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that the Bishop expected me not only to stay in my marriage but also to be strong so that I could be there for Richard.

It was never addressed that I didn’t have a choice in the matter when we married, and now it seems I still don’t have a choice about what I want to do! This just couldn’t be right! I was a victim right from the start, and now I felt I was being victimized by him as well! He’s led by God, so I’m probably the one who can’t see the bigger picture.

Tuesday, February 3, 2004

I couldn’t eat, and I was still trying to sort out what was happening. I felt so numb!

In the evening, I drove to my previous Bishop’s house. A while back, he was the one who had given me a blessing and helped me understand that my kids needed me. I trusted his advice.

When my former Bishop opened the door, he could tell I didn’t look good. I asked him if I could talk to him. He invited me into his office. When we sat down, the first thing he said to me was that he was no longer my Bishop, and whatever was on my mind, I needed to go talk to my current Bishop about. I told him I had done that. I had come to him to get a blessing. He told me that if I needed a blessing, I had to ask my current Bishop. I told him what was going on. I was sure he would give me a blessing. Instead, he told me that my Bishop was led by God, and therefore I needed to heed his advice.

He, too, thought it was best I went to the Temple, so that I could be at peace and have strength with everything I was dealing with. I left his house feeling more discouraged than ever!

As I was sitting in my car, I cried hard. All these years, I had been trying to fix the holes that Richard was making in our boat. I could no longer keep up with the damage. This time, I was the one drowning. I can barely keep my head above the water. I had talked to both Bishops, and neither one had handed me a life raft and helped me shore. Instead, I was told to remain in the water, stay strong, and keep on swimming.

Wed, February 4, 2004

I worried so much about Sarah. She was not getting better and was still yelling at everyone in the family. I have done everything I can to try to reach her.

With everything I have to deal with daily, I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown.

My sister came to visit today. She said she was worried about me because she could tell I wasn’t doing well. I wanted to tell her that Richard was gay and about the advice I had been given. But I didn’t know how. Instead, I told her I needed a break. I had been thinking about telling all the people that I babysat for that they need to find someone else. That would take a load off me. But I feel so guilty because I have taken in so many kids, and the parents depend on me. Beth assured me they would be just fine.

Then I told her my Bishop had told me I needed to go to the Temple so I could be strong in everything I was dealing with. Beth said I should come and spend the weekend at her house.

Friday, February 6, 2004

When all the kids I babysat had left, Laila and Johny went with me to spend the weekend at my sister’s. They missed their cousins, so they were excited about coming with me.

Saturday, February 7, 2004

In the morning, my sister and I headed off to the Temple. Before we went into the Temple to do a session, Beth asked if it was okay with me if she said a prayer. I told her, of course I wouldn’t mind.

It was a beautiful, heartfelt prayer. In her prayer, she told the Lord that she was worried about me. She had never seen me this down before. She was afraid I would never laugh again. She asked that our grandma appear to me in the Temple to comfort me so that I could laugh again.

I thanked her for the prayer. Then I reminded her that our grandma had told me she wouldn’t be allowed to appear to me again. Beth responded, “I know, but we are going to be inside the Temple, so who knows what will be allowed to happen.”

In Denmark, we call our mom’s mom “Mormor.” It means grandma. If you translate it straight, it’s mom’s mom. Our Mormor was a short, round woman.

As my sister and I were dressed in white and waiting for the session to start, we sat quietly, listening to the music. You are to sit quietly while waiting. Just like when you are in a sacrament meeting.

Out of nowhere came the biggest fly I had ever seen. It circled me a couple of times. Then it landed on the scriptures that were in front of me. The fly and I looked at each other. I thought if I had something, I would have smacked it dead. Since I didn’t have anything, I just sat looking at it, thinking it was the biggest, roundest fly I had ever seen.

Beth looked over and saw the fly. Then she looked at me and said, “Mormor?!” We both burst out laughing.

When she was a child, and we lived in Skive, she would often do unexpected things to see if she could get me to laugh. There were a couple of times I had to leave the sacrament because I couldn’t stop laughing. It was embarrassing because it was a small branch, and I had disrupted the whole meeting. I wouldn’t get upset with her because I must admit, some of the things she came up with were pretty funny. For a few seconds, it felt like we were both young again.

When the session was over, we went into a room where you could sit quietly, ponder, pray, and feel the spirit.

As we were sitting there, I thought, “I had come to America so I could be led to a righteous man.” I tried to find meaning in what had happened. “Was I led to him to help him with what he was dealing with?” My heart never felt heavier than it did at that moment.

I thought about when I had gone limp as Sander was beating me. This felt worse; at least I knew the betting would end. I thought about the scripture that I had written in the back of my bible, “If thou endurest well, I will exalt thee on high.” Was I really expected to endure this? Was this really what Heavenly Father expected of me? I thought, if this is really what’s expected of me? If so, I would need strength beyond my own.

When we left the Temple, Beth said, “It was so good to see you laugh!” I responded, “Yeah, it gives me hope that there are brighter days ahead.”

Sunday, February 8, 2004

Laila, Johny and I went to church with Beth and her family. A young husband and Father had been asked to give a talk. In his talk, he said, “If you read your scriptures daily with your family, if you have family prayer, if you have FHE once a week, you will have a close, happy, strong family!” He said this as he held up his scriptures.

I had done and was doing all those things! I looked over at Beth and whispered, “Shoot me!” Beth whispered back, “I am so sorry!” I thought this guy had no clue! But then again, maybe he will be blessed. When his kids become teenagers, maybe he won’t have to deal with half of what I did in my daily life.

After that, I dread going to church, no matter whose ward I went to.

In the evening, Laila, Johnny, and I drove back home. It’s about a 1-hour drive. I wish she lived closer. I wish I could have told her what I was dealing with. We had always been able to tell each other everything.