Sander and I outgrew our clothes.
Sander and I outgrew the clothes that we had brought with us from Denmark. We told Bent that we needed new ones. Then Bent showed us his clothes and said, “See this shirt? I have had that since 1956 and it is still as good as new. I know how to take care of my things, and you snot-nosed kids need to learn to do the same!”
One day when Bent came home from working in the mountains he brought with him a bag of clothes someone had thrown away. He told us here were our clothes and we were to dig in. Sander and I looked through the used clothes; it was mostly clothes for little children. I did find a white T-shirt that I was so happy for. I had not had it for very long when mom hung it outside on the clothesline to dry, the neighbor was burning his garbage and a piece flew up onto my shirt and burned a hole in it. However since it was one of the only pieces of clothing I had, I kept wearing it.
It was obvious that we were not going to get new clothes. Sander got a newspaper job so he could start earning money for clothes that would fit him. As Sander outgrew his clothes he gave them to me. In those days there was a definite difference in girl and boy clothes. When I went to school the other kids would make fun of me for what I was wearing. I started to deliver papers too so that I would be able to earn enough money to get some clothes. It was hard to save up the money because I would often end up spending it on food.
Delivering papers in the winter
Delivering papers in the winter was often quite unbearable since neither Sander nor I had proper clothing. One time when I came home I was sure my feet were going to fall off from walking in the snow. My shoes had holes in them and I was able to keep my feet warm. It was hard to carry all those papers around on my shoulder. Sander had made himself a bike out of parts that he had found. Later, he did the same for me. He was even able to find me a used basket that I could put the papers in.
Precious Milk
I got a new friend in my class, her name was Anna. She would sometimes take me to her house during lunch hour. One time when we went to Anna’s house for lunch her mom gave her a glass of milk. When lunch was over Anna had only drank a little bit of her milk and was about to throw the rest out. I yelled, “No!” Her mom looked at me, and asked me if I would like to drink it?” I gave a shy, “Yes, please.” The mom was baffled to see me drink the milk the way I did. She then asked if I would like some more, and I did. This mom would let me drink milk to my heart’s content. I wished I could live with the family. Food didn’t seem to be an issue for them.
My Suitcase
I never did unpack my suitcase. I kept it always packed right under my bed ready to go back to Denmark. I didn’t want to give up hope that we were going back. As the days turned into months and months turned into years, there was still no sign that we were going back to Denmark, yet I still kept it packed under my bed ready to go.
The Dream 1973
One day, when I was twelve Bent once again sent me to my room without dinner. When I got to my room, I grabbed my suitcase. I then came back downstairs and asked Mom and Bent to send me back to Denmark. I told them that it was clear by the way they were treating me that they didn’t want me and I knew my dad was worried about me and would be happy to see me again.
Mom and Bent were sitting at the kitchen table eating their dinner. They looked at me and then Mom busted out with that eerie laughter, and Bent joined her. When they were done laughing at me, Mom asked, “Do you really think your dad would want you? He is glad to be rid of you! He wants nothing to do with you! Why do you think he hasn’t come to get you?” I told Mom that my dad didn’t know where I was and if he did, he would gladly come get me. Then Bent said, “If you know what’s good for you, you’d better run back to your room!” There was nothing more I could do, so I did as I was told.
When I got to my room I threw myself on my bed and cried. Since we arrived in Canada I had often cried myself to sleep. I had also prayed that somehow I would go back to Denmark. This time I cried like I had never cried before. I was upset and angry. I took my pillow and threw it at the ceiling as I cried, “Why Heavenly Father do you not answer my prayers? Why do you not care about me? I pray to you, but you are ignoring me! WHY?” I felt so hopeless. I missed my dad and grandmother so terribly and I knew they missed me too. They seemed to be the only people in the world who truly cared about me.
I had heard my mom talk to Bent about the pills she carried in her purse. They were pills for anxiety to help Mom keep calm. I had heard Bent tell her to go easy on those pills and that if she took too many she would get so calm that she would never wake up again. I thought it would be the perfect way to die. I would take the pills and feel no pain and just fall asleep and my troubles would be over.
The next day when I got home from school, I carefully took the bottle of pills out of Mom’s purse. I got a glass of water and went into my room. As I lay on my bed, I was wondering if I should write a note. I couldn’t spell much, but I wanted to at least say goodbye to Elisabeth. I knew that if I were to leave a note for my dad he would most likely never get it. I laid down and cried.
I thought I had taken the pills. I fell asleep. A man came into my room to get me. I could not see him, but he had a most loving voice and I felt his love all around me. It was as if he was magnetic and I was embraced by him. He told me to come with him. The first thing he showed me was my funeral. I saw my body laying in a casket, then I saw Mom and Bent looking sad. I was glad to see them being sad that I was dead. Then I saw my little sister and she was crying. I wanted to tell her not to cry and that I was right there. As I did this, she did not respond to me. The voice said, “You can see her, but she is unable to see or hear you.” I got scared. I didn’t want to see my sister cry like this. I wanted to make it all better. The voice said, “Once you commit suicide there is no way back.”
The voice took me to a place where other spirits were who had committed suicide. I looked at everyone and then one of the spirits came towards me and I recognized him. It was my grandfather who had committed suicide 10 years earlier. My grandfather told me that he was happy where he was, but he was sad that he had not fulfilled his whole purpose on earth. He showed me his clothes. They looked white, but he said they were not the same degree of whiteness he would have received if he had not given up. He told me to stay strong and that I had unborn children who were waiting for me to grow up so they could come to be in my family. My grandfather then told me that he loved me and that he was looking forward to seeing me again and for me to hang in there. We would meet again someday, but right now was not the time.
Then the voice brought me to a different place. As we were traveling the voice told me that my life was hard, and I was going to experience a lot more hardship in my life. I would have physical as well as emotional pain. But there would be a reason for everything, even if I didn’t understand it now. I was to learn lessons from them. The lessons I learned I was to write down so that my children and others could read them and learn from my experiences.
Then I saw some spirits who were to be my children and my children’s children and other spirits too. I was surprised to see how many people would be affected by the choices I would make. Some of these spirits pleaded with me to stay strong, because if I was to commit suicide they would not be able to have me as their mom and I wouldn’t get the lessons I was to learn while I was here on earth and they would not be able to learn from them either.
Then I was brought to another place. Here I saw my brother with his arms stretched out through a window with bars on them. My brother called me, but I was scared of him. The voice told me that he wanted me to see this to let me know that there would come a time when my brother was to be put into prison. I would be able to come and go from there as I pleased, but there were bars that my brother would never be able to break free from because of the choices he would be making unless he changed his ways.
This place scared me. My heart hurt for my brother but I was in a hurry to get away from there. I was glad I was free to choose if I should visit him or not.
As we were traveling back to my room the voice said I would be tempted later in my life to commit suicide again, but I was to remember all the spirits that would be affected by this and to always stay strong – even when it would be very hard at times.
Then the voice brought me back to my room. I opened my eyes and saw I still had the pills in my hand. Then I could hear a bird singing outside my window. I ran to the window to see if I could see the man with the voice. But there was no one. It was a beautiful day outside. A bird was singing on the roof. The bird turned to me and then it flew away. I watched it fly into the sky until I couldn’t see it anymore. I was still in my room and everything around me was the same, but somehow it was all different.
Now I knew there was a loving Heavenly Father who was aware of me. He knew me, and he knew what I was going through. I was to be strong and learn from the things that would happen to me. I was excited to write my experiences and I was excited to meet all those spirits who were counting on me.
Even though my circumstance had not changed, everything was different. I carefully put Mom’s pills back in her purse. I didn’t feel alone anymore. I had a purpose.
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