Chapter 118 Temple Dedication

Monday, February 9, 2004

When Jared came home from work today, I asked him if he would like to go with me to Denmark. Jared said, “I thought Dad was going with you.” I told him that his dad needed to stay home and make sure that Sarah was okay. Jared was excited about coming with me.

As I was booking the tickets, I was trying to decide which dates to book. Sarah will be turning 16 on May 9, and the Temple dedication was on May 23, 2004. I could leave after Sarah’s birthday.

Sarah is still awful to be around, and I was having a hard time with everything. I want to leave as soon as possible! I booked the flight for May 6, and we will return on May 27.

When Richard came home from work, I let him know that Jared was coming with me to Denmark. Richard got upset and said he was the one who would go with me. I told him I had already bought the tickets and added Jared’s name. The tickets were nonrefundable. I needed him at home to take care of the kids. Richard was furious. Since the tickets were booked, there was nothing he could do about it.

Friday, February 23, 2004

I am worried about Sarah! She is angry about everything, and nothing I do makes any difference. I keep praying that she will get better, but my prayers aren’t being answered. I am counting down the days till my trip! It will be so nice to get away from here!

Sunday, February 29, 2004

Relief Society is the first meeting I go to. Today, the opening song was “Love at Home.” It was the song my mom would sing when Sander was beating me. I had not heard that song in years. I could not sing along. While it was being sung, it was as if I was brought back in time. I relived the bettings. It caught me off guard.

The next meeting was Young Women’s. Since I have been called to be in YW that’s the class I went to. We had our opening song. The door was left open, and we could hear the class next to us sing, “Love at Home.” Even though they had finished singing, I couldn’t stop reliving what had happened to me as a child.

All of a sudden, I heard the lady who was giving the lesson say, “Do you mind stepping outside the classroom with me, so we can have a talk?” Then she repeated her question a little louder. I looked at her and realized it was me she was talking to.

I stepped outside the classroom with her. Then she said, “Whenever it’s your turn to give the lesson, I always participate! I have put so much effort into this lesson, and here you are off in La La land.” I started to cry. I apologized. I told her about the song Love at Home. I had been drawn back into my childhood, and I was reliving the beatings. She immediately put her arms around me and said, “I am so so sorry!” I felt safe as she hugged me. I was grateful that she validated the trauma that I had gone through so long ago. Then we went back into the classroom, where the young women were sitting waiting for us. After that, I tried to focus on the lesson.

Last was Sacrament meeting. I looked at the program to see which songs had been picked. To my relief, it didn’t say “Love at Home.” Then the lady who leads the music said, “I feel like doing something different today! I am going to have a spontaneous choir. We are going to sing “Love at Home.” Whoever wants to be in the choir, come on up.

I couldn’t believe it! Richard quickly jumped up, then he turned to me and said, “Come on up and sing!” I was horrified. I looked at him and said, “You know how I feel about that song!” He responded, “Come and sing with me!” as he proceeded to walk up the aisle to join the choir.

I knew I couldn’t listen to the song one more time, so I hurried out of the building. I went outside so I couldn’t hear them sing. I cried. I said a silent prayer. I told Heavenly Father that I believed that nothing was a coincidence. I was sure I hadn’t heard that song since I was a child, and then today it’s the opening song in all 3 meetings! I asked what the purpose was. I had prayed for strength beyond my own to endure! This was not what I had expected! I just couldn’t understand.

When the song was over, I went back inside and sat with my family. Richard asked me why I had left. I wanted to ask him if he was stupid. I already knew the answer, so I didn’t say anything.

It took me 3 days to recover from hearing that song. I wondered what was wrong with me.

I never did get an answer for why it had been chosen as the opening song for all the meetings that day. I guess I will never know.

Monday, March 1, 2004

This was to have been Sarah’s Last week at the rehab school! Things weren’t going any better. After talking to her doctor, they are going to start this week by sending someone to our house to homeschool her.

Her teacher comes once a week in the morning and gives her assignments. Hopefully, Sarah will do the work so that she can graduate.

Tuesday, March 2, 2004

Looks like Jared might not be able to come with me to Denmark. He has a lot of unpaid speeding tickets, and therefore he can’t get a passport.

Jared has been on the computer trying to figure out how to get them taken care of. The amount he owes exceeds what he has.

I went to the courthouse to talk to a judge to let him know that my son didn’t have that kind of money. The judge said he could come in every morning at 5:30 am and vacuum the courtroom for a month. Starting tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 3, 2004

Since Jared has so many speeding tickets, his driver’s license was taken away. I have to drive him in the morning. I feel like I am the one who is being punished. I sit in the van and read my scriptures while I wait for Jared to get done. It’s going to be a long month! At least Jared can work it off.

Saturday, March 20, 2004

Without talking to me, Richard went and bought himself another truck. Now we have two truck payments. I wish he had waited. But it doesn’t matter what I want.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

I can’t wait for my trip! I am tired of tending and trying to homeschool at the same time! I am tired of the daily things I have to put up with from Richard and Sarah. It will be so nice to get away!

Since I have taken in more kids, I have been able to pay off all his credit cards and have enough money for the trip.

One of the kids I tend is an 8-year-old girl. When she is here, and I try to talk to my kids, she comes right up to my face and tells me what to do. It’s hard enough to put up with my own kids, and even harder when they are not mine. I looked even more forward to getting away from here!

Sunday, March 28, 2004

After church, the Bishop called me into his office. He said I still didn’t look well. He asked me if I had been to the Temple. I told him I had. Then he said I needed to stop babysitting and focus on my marriage and my children.

I told him that we couldn’t get by without the money that I was earning. He told me I needed to have more faith and to go home and start putting all my energy into being a wife and a mother.

Every Sunday after church, Sarah has been helping me cook meals and put them in the freezer so the family will have already-prepared meals while I am gone. When it comes to her school work, it’s hard for me to get her to do it. If this keeps up, she won’t be able to graduate.

Monday, April 19, 2004

I told the families that I babysat for that they needed to find someone else to watch their kids, since I had too much going on with my family. Most of the parents were understanding. However, one parent, whom I thought would be most understanding, got upset with me. I was hurt because I had done so much for him and his family. I loved his boys, and it is hard for me to let them go. But I have to do what the Bishop has asked.

Saturday, April 21, 2004

Now that I am no longer babysitting, Laila, Johny and I had a huge yard sale. We made about $500.00. Sarah even helped out with it.

Monday, April 23, 2004

Laila has been gaining a lot of weight because of the medications she is on. I talked to the doctor about it, but he doesn’t seem concerned. I am worried about her. I wish there were another option besides the pills she had been prescribed.

I started to notice 20 minutes after she had taken her sleeping pill, she would be hungry. I tried to get her to wait it out, but it didn’t work.

A friend of mine told me that she gave her kids melatonin to help them fall asleep. It was a safer alternative. After hearing about that, I threw away her sleeping pills.

Today, when Laila and I went to her doctor’s appointment, I told him that I had given her melatonin instead of the sleeping pill he had prescribed. I thought he would be happy to know that she was no longer gaining weight and that it was working just as well. Instead, he got upset. He asked if I thought I was a doctor. Then he gave me a lecture.

In spite of what he said, I am not going to keep giving her the sleeping pill when the melatonin works just as well. I wish I knew where to turn so that I could get rid of the other pill as well.

Saturday, May 1, 2004

I had invited family to come celebrate Sarah’s 16th birthday. Everyone from my side of the family came. No one from Richard’s side of the family showed up. I wasn’t surprised since we aren’t that close to them. I thought since Phil had all the answers, he would have been supportive and come to celebrate her birthday. But at least I had extended them an invitation.

When Jared and I stayed with my dad and his wife Sys, my dad said something funny that made us all laugh. As I was laughing, my dad said, “Wow, you sound just like my Aunt Nancy!” Sys said, “Oh my gosh! Yes, she does!”

My dad and I locked eyes! Neither my dad nor I said anything. At that very moment, we both knew without a doubt that he was my dad.

I was grateful I finally got it cleared up!