Chapter 120 Shed

Wednesday, September 1, 2004

Before Jared had left on his mission, he would often watch scary movies at his friend’s house. When he got home, he was afraid to sleep by himself. He would then have Johny sleep in his room so that he wasn’t alone. Johny had gotten used to sleeping in Jared’s room.

After dropping Jared off at the MTC, Johny said he would be fine to sleep in his own room from now on. I thought he was taking his brother’s absence better than I had expected.

When it was time for bed, Johny asked if I would sleep with him in Jared’s bed. I lay down next to him until he fell asleep.

Thursday, September 2, 2004

Laila and Sarah’s pills cost so much money. We have to pay it out of pocket since we don’t have insurance. I took them both off their pills because I believed that since Jared was going on a mission, we would be blessed with a miracle, and they wouldn’t need their pills anymore.

Boy, was that a mistake! Laila was beating up on Johny and Sarah was screaming at us constantly. Poor Johny! Both Sarah and Laila are back on their pills again. Hopefully, they will start to work soon!

When Richard came home from work today, he asked to talk to me privately. When we were alone, Richard started to cry. He said he had lost his job.

I thought we would be blessed for putting Jared on a mission. I will have to brace myself since it looks like we will be the ones with trials.

Then Richard said I had been mean to him. I told him, I don’t mean to be. I just don’t love you anymore. I feel like I am in a waiting room, just waiting to be set free. Since I am locked up, I am doing the best I can.

I am grateful Jared is on a mission, and he seems to be doing well. I am not looking forward to Johny growing up, because then he too will be gone.

Hopefully by then, Sarah and Laila will have grown into happy, responsible adults. I doubt I will ever fall in love with Richard again. I see him only as a mentally ill roommate that I have to take care of and clean up after.

I pray for the strength to endure this life and find comfort that this earthly life won’t go on forever! I am hoping in the next life, whatever ails Richard will be gone, and he will be the man that he was meant to be. Until then, the only thing that gets me through the day is my kids and knowing that someday I will die. Hopefully, when the Lord sees me, he will say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” Then I will be free, and all my trials will be over.

Saturday, September 4, 2004

Richard told me that he had $500.00 he had put away. He told me he needed it for a new carpet in his office. He said it would help him with his depression so that he could go get another job. Richard has started to paint his office. He has already ordered the carpet. It will be installed next week.

I can’t believe I didn’t say anything about the carpet. I feel so numb, and it wouldn’t have done any good anyway. I don’t understand why he thinks this is a priority, since we have no money coming in.

Sunday, September 5, 2004

I keep believing if I have enough faith, a miracle will happen, and my family will get better. I guess I should consider the pills they are on, the miracle I have been praying for.

Monday, September 13, 2004

Sarah is doing so much better. She is excited to have Jared’s room. She has started to paint it pink. I am happy for her!

Johny misses Jared terribly. He got a letter from Jared and carries it around with him everywhere.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Johny will be 10 this year. He loves to learn. He never belonged in special ed. He just wasn’t ready for school when he was younger. It seems the more he is learning, the more questions he has. It’s exciting to see his love for learning.

Thursday, October 7, 2004

After Richard lost his job, he had convinced himself that he didn’t need the pills that he was on. It has thrown him deeper into depression. He has promised me that he will go back on his medication.

Saturday, October 9, 2004

We talked to the Bishop about getting food from the church since we don’t have money coming in. The Bishop said we could have food, but first, we had to work it off at Deseret Industries.

Richard said he was too depressed, so I asked Sarah to go with me. Sarah wasn’t too happy about it. I let her know I wasn’t thrilled about it either. Sarah ended up going with me. I was so grateful because that cut the time I had to work there in half.

We have a shed that is twice as large and twice as tall as your average shed. Whenever I wanted to put something in there, Richard wouldn’t let me. He has kept it locked for the past few years. When I got home from working at DI. I asked him for the keys to the shed.

At first, he didn’t want to give them to me. I was persistent, then he finally handed them to me. When I opened it, I was shocked to see it was full of boxes and buckets from top to bottom. It was so full you couldn’t walk in.

I started to open the boxes. In some, there were all kinds of beautiful crystal candle holders and crystal trinkets.

There were expensive tools, thrown in boxes. Tools that he already had in the garage. In the different boxes, I counted 19 hammers in total. There were 17 window scrapers in different boxes. There were boxes filled with junk mail, mixed in with important documents. Some of the boxes contained extension cords of various lengths. There were boxes of bungee cords of all sizes. Everything was mixed. There were boxes and boxes of all kinds of stuff that he had bought. Too many to list.

There were also five 5-gallon buckets. They were so heavy that I couldn’t lift them.

I felt sick! No wonder his credit card had been maxed out.

I asked him why there were so many boxes of extension cords. He said they would come in handy. I asked him why there were so many boxes of bungee cords. He said because he never knew what length he might need. I asked why all those boxes of crystal candleholders and trinkets? He just shrugged his shoulders and said, I always wanted to have nice things. I asked why so many marbles? He said he had always liked marbles and thought they were beautiful.

Monday, October 11, 2004

While I was cleaning out the shed, I found a bunch of CDs. It didn’t say on them what they were. Before throwing them away, I thought I’d better look at them to see if they were important.

I was worried what might be on them, so I made sure I was alone when I put them in the computer. The first CD had family pictures. I thought I would go through all the CDs to mark which year they were from.

To my horror, the next CD had gay porn on it. I tried to turn it off. I immediately started to shake and was filled with anxiety. I was so flustered that I couldn’t remember how to get the CD out of the computer. It felt like the whole world was going to blow up, and every living thing on the planet was depending on me to get it turned off.

I covered the screen with my hands. I needed to pull it together so that I could figure out how to turn it off. In the meantime, I could hear grunts coming from the speakers. That gave me even more anxiety and made it harder to focus. For the sake of all humanity, I had to be strong! It seemed like an eternity before I could get the CD out of the computer.

I had to go through all the CDs so that I didn’t throw away our family pictures. I was sickened that family pictures were mixed in with all the gay porn!

After I had gone through all the CDs, it took me a few days to recover. I couldn’t believe Richard had been watching this stuff! It made me wonder what else he had done.

I asked him, besides watching gay porn, what else he had done. He told me that was all he had ever done. In my gut, I knew better! So I asked again.

He asked me how I could even think that he would have acted on it. He loved me more than anything else in the world, and therefore, he would never do such a thing. He made me feel bad for asking, so I apologized for questioning him. I told him I just had to make sure.

Part of me didn’t believe him. But I couldn’t go there. I tucked it deep down, inside me, as far away as possible. It made everything easier to deal with.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Laila is doing so much better now that she is back on her medicine! She has been so sweet to Johny. We have a daybed in the kitchen that we use as a couch. In the evening, Laila makes it into a bed. Then she reads stories to Johny, and then she sleeps next to him since he is still having a hard time with Jared being gone.

Sarah is all done painting Jared’s room and has moved into it. Now Laila wants her room painted too. I told her that when we have more money, we will paint her room.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

I don’t think I have ever cried as much as I have these past 2 weeks. To make things worse, Richard has started charging on his credit card again and treated me like garbage.

I told him I was done. He started to cry. He said he was sorry for the way he was treating me. Then he threatened suicide again. Through his tears, he asked me what I had expected him to do without his family. I told him he could always go shopping.

I went for a walk. As I walked, I was determined to get a divorce. I couldn’t take it anymore!

I had been gone for over an hour. When I got back, he was still crying. I felt bad for him. I want to leave! But seeing him so torn up breaks my heart. In all my years growing up, I had felt responsible for my mom’s happiness; now I was responsible for him as well. I don’t want to add to his pain. I feel so stuck!

I wondered if there would ever be a good time to leave. Since I felt responsible for him and didn’t know what else to do, I reasoned that I had to make the best of the situation.

These past few weeks, Laila and Johny have helped me clean out the shed. My sister also came for two days to help. She told me I should have a yard sale. She even offered to come out again another day to help me with it. I told her I had thought about it, but it was too painful for me to deal with! I never wanted to see any of it ever again. So we boxed it all up and brought it to DI.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

We needed another food order. The Bishop told me I had to work 24 hours at DI. before he would give it to me. I told him that we needed the food now, and it would take me at least 3 days to work off that many hours. I asked him to trust me to do it after we had received the food. He said, ” No, but my family, even Laila and Johny could go with me, and he would count their hours. He would give me the food order once the manager at DI had signed off on the hours completed.

When I left his office, I felt belittled and humiliated. I cried because I had always been a hard worker. I understand that I couldn’t get the food for nothing, and I don’t mind working it off. I felt bad for the way the Bishop had treated me.

I asked Richard, Sarah, Laila, and Johny to go with me. Otherwise, it would take longer before we could get more food. Richard said he was still too depressed. Since he didn’t go, Sarah didn’t feel she should either. Laila and Johny said they wouldn’t mind going with me.

When we got to DI, Laila, Johny and I were assigned to put price tags on merchandise. When they showed us the boxes with the merchandise, they looked like the ones I had donated. I thought it couldn’t be. It had been more than a week since I had brought everything in, and what were the chances that it would be them?

When I opened the boxes we had been assigned, I was shocked to see they were all Richard’s things that I had removed from the shed. It was all the stuff I had donated, since I didn’t want to deal with it!

I cried as we put prices on the costly crystals and everything else that had been in the shed.

As we were working, I told Heavenly Father that it had already been hard enough for me to find all this crap in the shed, and I didn’t understand why the kids and I had to put prices on it.

Life can be so cruel! I might as well have had a yard sale!

Since I knew we needed food, I stayed and marked prices on every single thing so that it could go on the shelves.

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

Richard was turned down for welfare. I went to look for a job. Since I don’t have any education, all the jobs that were available to me only pay minimum wage. It’s not enough to make the house payments. I don’t want to lose our house, so I have started to babysit again. Something I was so sure I would never do again!

When the Bishop and his wife found out, the Bishop’s wife told me it was wrong for women to work. She told me that when she and her husband were young, money was tight, but she trusted the Lord enough to know He would provide for their family. It made me mad, but I didn’t say anything.

Richard still hasn’t found a job. Since he is suicidal, I am afraid to leave him home alone. He is on a new medication. I sure hope it will start working soon!

Saturday, November 13, 2004

I went to the Bishop to give him the money that I had earned from babysitting so that it could go to Jared’s mission. The Bishop told me that members of our ward were paying for Jared’s mission and that I should use the money for our mortgage. I was so relieved!

The Bishop knew I wasn’t making much money babysitting, so he told me we could continue getting food from the church as long as I kept going to DI and worked it off first.

It’s been two weeks since the kids, and I have been working at DI. Since we needed another food order, Laila and Johny went with me to work at DI again.

This time, when we got there, our assignment was to put stuff on the shelves for people to buy. I could NOT believe my eyes! It was all Richard’s stuff that we had priced two weeks ago. We were now to put it on the shelves.

I ran to the bathroom so that no one would see me cry. I let Heavenly Father know that it was bad enough I was the one who had to put the prices on the stuff, now I was to put it out on the shelves!

I told Heavenly Father that I was doing all I could to be a good person. I didn’t understand why I was being punished! I didn’t understand why my life had to be so awful!

After I had dried my tears, I went back to Laila and Johny. Since there was so much of Richard’s stuff, we spent the rest of the time sorting and putting it on shelves.