Saturday, December 28, 2019
This morning, Richard told me we were having a fridge and a microwave delivered. I was surprised because we hadn’t talked about it. I asked him why he hadn’t brought me with him when he went to the store. He said it was because he wanted to surprise me. I told him I still would have liked to have come along and pick it out together.
I was hurt and thought it was odd that he had gone without me, but I reasoned that he truly wanted to surprise me.
Sunday, December 29, 2019
Richard told me I had to teach the lesson in primary since he had to help his dad. I didn’t feel well because of my tooth, so I asked him if he could wait to go to his dad until after church. He said he couldn’t because his dad needed his help all day.
When Richard finally came home, he hopped into the tub. I thought it was odd because, as long as I had known him, he had only taken showers. I went and sat by the tub. He asked me what I was doing. It was as if he didn’t want me there. I said, “I never see you anymore, and I was just wondering how you are doing.” He looked into space as if he were daydreaming. Then he said excitedly, “You won’t believe the plans I have for this bathroom!” “Like what?” I asked. He responded, “I am going to knock that wall out, and then I am going to put a huge tub in. One for at least two people.” I said, “Shouldn’t we talk about it first?” But it was obvious that he was far off in dreamland, and it didn’t seem to matter what I felt about it.
When he realized I was sitting there with a puzzled look on my face, he quickly said, “So both of us can fit in it, of course, then we can have a bath together.” He had never made any sense to me, so I figured he was being his odd self.
When he was done, he went downstairs. Then I could hear Laila and Richard talking loudly to each other. I went to see what was going on.
We have a fireplace, and whenever I pushed the button, it never worked. Then, when I gave it to Richard and told him it wasn’t working again. He would get mad and say it was because I hadn’t pushed the button right, and that he would have to fix it again. I got to the point where I was afraid to touch the button for fear of breaking it.
Richard was telling Laila that she had broken the remote to the fireplace because she hadn’t pushed the button correctly. Laila said, “Seriously, Dad! It just needs a new battery!” I told Laila not to fight with her dad because the remote was sensitive, and I kept pushing it the wrong way, and then he would have to fix it.
Laila looked at me and said, “Can you hear yourself! That thing needs a new battery, and that’s all that’s wrong with it!” I started to get nervous because I could see the logic in what she was saying, but I couldn’t accept that it was the real reason why it wouldn’t work when I tried to use it.
I could never have imagined that he would switch the battery back and forth.
I told Laila not to fight with her dad because he worked long hours. Laila was frustrated with me and went to her room.
I asked Richard if he had another battery for the remote so that we could see if that was the problem. He got upset and asked, “Do you really think I wouldn’t know if that was the problem?” I apologized for questioning it.
Monday, December 30, 2019
Richard used to take the bus to work. But for months, he had been driving because he had to work late. Today, he took the bus and told me to pick him up at 4:30 pm, which is when he is usually off work. He wanted me to go with him to the place where he had bought the fireplace. I was surprised that for once he didn’t have to work late.
When we got to the store that sold the fireplaces, Richard asked me to explain to the salesman what happens when I press the remote. So I did. The man said, “Sounds to me like it just needs a new battery.” I told the man, but it works when my husband pushes the button. The man smiled at me and assured me that there was no special way to push the button. I felt dumb, and the whole ordeal was just so odd to me.
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Richard called me from work to tell me that the man from the store had called him to say he had spoken with the manager, who told him our fireplace was defective, which is why it was sensitive when you pushed the button. He told me that when he got home from work tonight, he was going to remove the fireplace and put in a new one.
I told him that if he removed the fireplace, he would never get around to putting in a new one. I could just imagine having to live with a hole in the wall. So I said, “If you remove the fireplace, I will take a hammer and break something that’s yours.” At first, he insisted that he would replace it. I assured him not to test me or else I would make good on my promise.
Richard worked late as usual. When he finally came home, he said, “There, I fixed the remote. Now it works again. Just don’t touch it, or you will break it again.
I felt like he was messing with my mind, but I didn’t want to believe it. I figured that if I didn’t touch the remote, then I wouldn’t have to worry about it breaking again.
Thursday, January 9, 2020
Richard called to tell me he would be working overnight again. He said his work had high-priority tickets coming in, and he had been asked to handle them. His boss didn’t want him to drive home after working late, so he had provided a hotel for him to stay the night, just like he had a few nights ago.
I told him that since he always had to work so much, I would come and be with him while he worked and then spend the night with him. He said, “No, you will bother everyone who has to work late with me.” I said, “I have met your coworkers, they all seem nice. I am sure they won’t mind. I will bring my knitting and sit quietly, waiting for you to get done. I will take a shower and be there soon.”
A few minutes later, Richard called back to tell me that he and his coworkers had solved the problem and he was on their way home.
When he got home, he said that he was glad that he didn’t have to work late after all, because there was something he needed to talk to me about. He hated himself, and he had been seeing a therapist because he was suicidal. He wanted to separate so he could find himself.
I felt awful that he had been feeling that way alone. I told him I didn’t want to separate because I wanted to be there for him as he went through this. He seemed frustrated with me. Then he said, “This is something I have to work through alone.” I was confused and started to cry. I felt like I had failed him. He assured me that he didn’t want a divorce but just to separate for a little while until he had learned to love himself.
Then he said, “I didn’t think you would be sad about it since I am always so mean to you. I said, “So you admit that you are mean to me on purpose?” He said, “Yes, you would hate me too if you were a preferred woman and were stuck with a man.
I thought about it for the next few months and concluded that I wouldn’t hate him or feel justified in being mean to him.
You are pretty, and I’m sure you will find another husband quickly.” I responded, “So you do want a divorce, or just to separate? I am planning a surprise party for you to celebrate your 60th birthday. I’m not sure how that will work if you are not here.” He responded, “I still want the party, so continue to plan it! I am not planning to get married any time soon, and therefore won’t bring anyone with me to the party. I was stunned, trying to process everything he had said.
Laila came into the room to ask me something. Richard harshly told her to get out because we were having a private conversation. Laila apologized, and as she was about to leave, I said, “Laila, don’t go; you need to be a part of this conversation, because it’s going to affect you as well. Your dad wants a divorce.” Then he said, “I never said that! I want to separate so that I can find myself.” Laila and I didn’t know what to make of it.
Then Richard said he had changed his mind about separating, since he could see I was there for him and that separating would make me sad. By now, I was so confused about what was going on.
After Laila left, Richard said, “I didn’t know you cared so much. I am going to continue seeing the counselor, and later, you can join me. For now, let’s give our marriage our all so that we can make it work.”
I thought that’s what I had been doing all these years, but apparently, I had missed the mark, so I promised to try harder as well.
Friday, January 10, 2019
When preschool was over, I thought that if we were going to work things out, then I should bring all his stuff upstairs. I spent the rest of the day carrying up all his clothes and belongings. Then I cleaned and organized everything.
I texted him to let him know what I was doing so that we could be closer as a couple. I thought he would be excited about it. Instead, I didn’t hear from him for a long time. Finally, I got a text saying he was working late and not to wait up for him.
I started to wonder if there was someone else. But I didn’t think he would lie to me, so I will have to keep trusting him and do my part.
Saturday, January 11, 2020
When Richard got up this morning, he was upset that I had brought his belongings upstairs and that they had gotten mixed up with mine. I told him that I had always thought of our belongings as our stuff. Not yours and mine. If we were to give our marriage a chance, we should live as a couple and not as acquaintances. He seemed to see the logic.
Our water bill was $400.00 this month. It turned out that a pipe was broken in the front lawn. Richard called Jared to have him help dig out the dirt so he could fix it. While they were working, I did what I could to help them.
Later, when Jared and I were alone, Jared asked me if his dad and I were going to separate. I told him that I didn’t know what was going on.
When they were done fixing the pipe, Richard invited Jared and his family to eat at a restaurant along with Laila, Lily, and me. I felt uneasy since I didn’t understand what was happening.
Sunday, January 12, 2020
Richard called the Bishop last night to say he wanted to be released from his calling and that he would no longer be team-teaching with me. He said it was because he was depressed and needed to get better before he could accept another calling.
Richard got up early this morning and said that he wasn’t going to church with me; he had plans to see his counselor because he was depressed. I asked, “He’s available on a Sunday?” Richard said that because he was not doing well, his counselor had said he would see him anytime he needed to. I told him that I was worried about him and, therefore, I would go with him. He seemed panicked and told me to go to church and teach the lesson because it was something he needed to do himself.
I watched Richard get ready for his appointment. I thought for someone who is supposed to be depressed, he sure seemed excited about meeting up with his counselor. As Richard headed out the door, I asked him to be honest with me about where he was going. He assured me that he had an appointment with his counselor and that he would be gone for a while since his counselor lived in Logan. He had also planned to go grocery shopping, so he would be gone for a while.
When he returned home, he didn’t have any groceries. By now, he had been gone for 12 and 1/2 hours. I felt sick because I knew he wasn’t being honest about where he had been. He told me he had been with the counselor and that they had gone to a nice restaurant because he had been suicidal, which was why the counselor had spent so much time with him.
Every fiber of my being knew that he was lying. I told him that for someone who was suicidal, he sure didn’t seem like it. He told me it was because he was so happy to have such a good counselor, and he showed me all these notes that his counselor had printed out about self-love. He was happy because the counselor had saved his life and helped him feel hopeful about our future together. I was confused because what my gut told me and what he said didn’t seem to match up.
Friday, January 17, 2020
All week, Richard had talked about our future together and the things we were going to do when he retired. He had also made sure to leave chocolate in my nightstand. I could hardly believe the progress we seemed to be making.
Richard told me that for our date night, he wanted to go to the thrift store. When we got there, he sat on a sofa. I told him this is not how I had envisioned a date night. He responded, just shop. I am tired, so I need to rest. As I walked around the store, I looked over at him. He seemed so happy as he was texting away on his phone.
I asked him who he was texting. He told me it was just some people he had met in the 12-step program who were giving him support about his food addiction.
Monday, January 20, 2020
It was Martin Luther King Day, so I knew he had it off. He tried to convince me that he needed to spend the day with his counselor. I told him that if we were to work things out, it would probably be better for him to spend the day with me.
He didn’t want to do anything, so we just watched TV all day.
Thursday, January 23, 2020
Even though Richard was working a lot of overtime, he managed to convince me that we were making progress.
This evening, Richard told me he wanted me to start attending some meetings with him. It was about LDS women who were married in the Temple to gay men. I asked him if it was something the church sponsored. He admitted it wasn’t. But all these couples who had been married in the Temple were able to make their marriages work because of these meetings. He also told me that I was to let him have at least two boyfriends, and to let him come and go as he pleased, no questions asked. I was so shocked that I didn’t respond to what he had said.
I thought. Are you planning to bring them home? Perhaps even expect me to leave while you are using our bedroom. And then be okay with it? What was going on?
Friday, January 24, 2020
When I was done with preschool, I wanted to find out more about the meeting Richard had mentioned. I found a clip about it on YouTube. It was all about straight LDS women who were married to LDS gay men and how they were able to make their marriages work because they let their husbands live the way God had made them. I felt sick. It was definitely not something I wanted to be a part of!
When Richard got home from work, he had some muffins for me. As he handed them to me, he said, “These are for my sweetheart because I love you!” I put them aside and didn’t say anything.
Laila had made a really nice dinner for us. As we sat eating, Lily was being so cute, and Richard was in such a good mood. He was excited that things seemed to be going his way.
After what’s happened, I knew it was our last dinner together. I felt like we were playing house, and I thought it was a shame that we hadn’t been able to have a happy dinner like this before.
When we were done eating, I told Richard that we needed to talk. When we got into the bedroom, I told him I had watched some clips on YouTube and that I was not going to go to the meetings with him. I also wasn’t going to go along with him having two boyfriends and coming and going as he pleased. That is not what I had signed up for when we got married.
If we were to stay married, he needed to talk to the Bishop about what he had done. He angrily said, “I haven’t done anything that I need to confess to the Bishop! Everyone masturbates, even my Mission President admitted that to me. It’s normal to masturbate! It’s something personal between man and God,” I replied, “I am not talking about masturbation. I had no idea that you were doing that. You have betrayed me. You told me that after getting a blessing, you had felt all your sins wash down the drain, and that you were no longer gay.” Then I added, no counselor would see their client all day on a Sunday at a nice restaurant, no matter how suicidal they were.
Richard got upset and acted suicidal. Then he pretended to cry while saying, “Stop! Stop! This is too painful for me. I want to go for a drive! I need to be alone!” I hurried, got the car keys, and hid them. Richard demanded that I give them back. I told him I couldn’t risk him driving off a cliff because of the state he was in. Then he said, “Well then, I’m going downstairs so I can calm down!” I told him I was worried about leaving him alone. He got mad and told me to lie there with my dog. Then he stomped downstairs.
After 15 minutes, I was worried that he might have done something to himself, so I went to check on him. I could hear him in the bathroom talking on the phone. I stood still to listen to see if I could figure out who he was talking to.
He was giggling and saying things like, “Oh, stop, you are so cute!” I had never heard him laugh like that before. For someone who’s supposed to be suicidal, he sure didn’t act like it. Then he talked about his latest trip to San Francisco and the gay bars he had been to.
Then he said, “I have used her throughout our marriage. I had planned to make her think that we were separating, so that I could continue using her as a cover-up. But the Bitch only wants to stay together if I repent and see my Bishop. Can you believe that?! I’m so sick of her! I have found an apartment that I will be moving into on Monday. I haven’t done a thing to this house for years. It needs a lot of work, so I am going to tell the Bishop that we need to help my wife with the house since we are getting divorced. Then I will have the Elders Qurioum come and help me get it all fixed up. Once that’s done, she should be an easy take, especially since everyone has seen how her mental health has declined. I am going to tell family members that she needs to be in a home for her own safety. I had such a good Christmas with everyone in the family. I’m sure they will believe me and sign papers so she can be placed there. Then I won’t have to pay a penny in alimony or share my 401 (k), and the house will be all mine.
She is so repulsive! I can’t stand her! I can’t believe I have put up with her as long as I have, but it’s only because I have been able to use her as a cover. She is so dam naive and gullible, I doubt it will be a problem to get rid of her one way or another. She believes everything I tell her.
I can’t wait to have this house to myself. I have already bought the fridge and microwave that I want. I am going to rent out all the rooms in the house to men who are gay, except the master bedroom. That’s where I will stay. It’s going to be known as The Gay House. Then he laughed.
There was a pause, then he said, “No, she doesn’t know about that account. No, she doesn’t know about that one either.” Yeah, I’m glad I don’t have to worry about child support
The more I listened, the sicker I felt! I had heard more than I could handle. I felt like I was going to either throw up or pass out. I hurried back to bed so that I could lie down.
I texted my friend to tell her what I had just overheard. As we were texting back and forth, Laila came and lay beside me. She was trying to tell me something, but since I was so busy texting my friend, Laila thought I didn’t want to talk to her and was about to leave. I quickly grabbed onto her and said, “Don’t leave me, I’m almost done!”
Then I turned to Laila to see what she wanted. She told me that she had overheard her dad talking on the phone. I let her know that I, too, had overheard part of his conversation. Then we compared notes. It was so surreal.
Laila made it back to bed before Richard came out of the bathroom.
When Richard came upstairs, I lay in bed playing games on my phone. I asked him if he was feeling better. He said he was. Then he asked me if I was winning the game that I was playing. I responded. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. Right now, I am not sure what’s happening. As I put my phone away, I said, “It’s late; I will continue the game tomorrow.”
Richard thanked me for giving him some time to himself to calm down. He assured me that he loved me and, therefore, everything was going to work out between us. Then he turned out the lights, and we both pretended to go to sleep.
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