Sunday, February 16, 2020
It’s so hard going to church and having to deal with people who don’t know the full story.
I wish he could have just left, saying he was gay and left it at that. Instead of trying to destroy my reputation so that he didn’t look bad for living a double life.
Thank goodness for the people who don’t say anything when they see me and instead ask if they can hug me. I don’t have to defend myself, and there’s no need for an explanation. It means so much to me!
Monday, February 24, 2020
Beth called to tell me that she and Kevin were at the doctor’s office getting our mom into Hospice.
I haven’t seen her in over a year. It’s been so nice to have her out of my life.
Part of me wants to say goodbye, but with everything going on, I don’t know if I am strong enough. I could always tell her, “Remember when I told you I was going to get married? You said, ‘Oh, it will never work out.’ Well, guess what, you were right.”
I do want closure, so I will have to think about it.
Monday, March 2, 2020
I got a text message from Sarah. She is upset with me because she believes what her dad has told her. She wants to move back home. I told her if she showed up, I would call the police.
At first, I put up with all her texts, but then I got one awful text after another. I had enough drama in my life, so I ended up blocking her.
Just when I thought my heart couldn’t be any more broken than it already was.
I am so sad to have lost her all because she believes what he has told her.
Friday, March 6 2020
I have had problems with my nose ever since the dentist removed the extra cement. He told me I should see an ear, nose, and throat specialist. So I did. That doctor told me I would need surgery to correct the damage that had been done and have polyps removed.
Beth came this morning to take me to the hospital so I could have the surgery done.
Just before I went into the operating room, Beth asked me if I wanted to say bye to our mom on the way home. I told her no.
After I was done with the surgery, I thought it would probably be the last chance to see my mom alive, so I told Beth it was okay with me to stop by our mom’s place.
When we got there, Mom was sitting in the living room.
She seemed so frail. She kept telling me over and over how happy she was to see me.
Seeing my wedding picture on the wall, I thought I’d better tell her what happened.
After I told her and her husband, Arnie, they looked over at Beth to see if I was kidding. She let them know it was true.
They both started to cry. To lighten the mood, I said. “On the bright side, I can park in the garage now.” Then I let them know it was for the best and that he should be a lot happier now that he doesn’t have to hide it and can live the way he wants.
Before I left, Mom kept thanking me for coming to see her. I was glad we had been able to stop by.
Friday, March 27, 2020
Both called to tell me that our mom wasn’t going to live much longer, so she was on her way to our mom’s house. Even though I knew Arnie was there, I didn’t want Beth to go alone, so I told her I would meet her there.
Beth and I got there at the same time. When we walked into Mom’s bedroom, she was staring at the ceiling. I asked her in Danish, “Is there anything we can get you?”
Mom spoke her last words. She said, “Who are you? You sound like a nice Danish girl.” I responded, “It’s me, Anne-Mette. Beth is here with me. Is there anything we can get you?” She just smiled and kept looking at the ceiling.
The nurse told us we weren’t supposed to be there because of COVID. But because our mom only had a few hours left, she said she would look the other way.
She told us we should put a sponge on her lips so her mouth wouldn’t be so dry. This would make her final hours a little more comfortable. She also told Arnie how much Morphine he should give her and how often, then she left.
Beth and I lay on each side of our mom and took turns dabbing her lips.
The nurse came back in the early morning hours. She seemed surprised that our mom was still alive. Arnie and Beth left the room to talk to the nurse. I was then alone with our mom. I asked her if her mom, dad, brother, and sister were there to receive her. It seemed to me that she was looking right at them.
I asked, “What’s keeping you from going towards them? Is it me? Are you worried about me? To my surprise, she turned and looked me right in the eyes. I told her I would be fine. If it is because of how you treated me my whole life, there’s nothing you can do to change it now. If that’s what’s keeping you from passing on, I want you to know that I forgive you. I will never understand why you treated me the way you did, but I want you to know that I forgive you. Mom turned her head and looked at what I believe was her family who was waiting for her. Then I told her, “Go, go have a joyous reunion with.”
When Beth came back into the room, she lay back down next to our mom. Then we picked out a couple of songs from the hymn book and sang them to her.
Mom then passed away shortly after at 8:52 am.
March 30, 2020
Beth called to ask me if I was going to attend the funeral because only 10 people could be there because of COVID. I told her I didn’t need to go since I had already said my goodbyes. Then she told me that she and Arnie’s daughter had already picked out the 10 people, and none were my kids or grandkids.
Beth called a couple of hours later to tell me that, to make it fair for everyone, they would let 10 people into the funeral home at a time. This would give anyone who wanted to come a chance to say their goodbyes.
Friday, April 3, 2020
When I got to the funeral home, a few family members were already there. It was obvious that Richard had called them after he had moved out because of the questions they were asking me. I asked my cousin point blank, “Has Richard called you after he left?” She admitted that not only had he called, but he had been to see them. He had told her mom that he had no place to live and no money since I had taken it all. He had asked if he could move into the extra home they had while he got on his feet. But the house was already being used by another family member; otherwise, they would have helped him. I was so frustrated about having to defend myself.
I was so glad when I saw Jared and his family drive up. They couldn’t stay long because they were told they had to leave so there would be room for other people. I was so sad to see them go. I wanted to cry out to them to stay. I needed them there with me!
Beth got to have her husband, and her four girls, plus the two oldest, who were married, had their husbands there. I should be used to it by now; that was just how things were.
Beth asked me if I would put the veil on our mom before they closed the casket. I told her I didn’t mind.
As I put the veil on her, I started to cry. I couldn’t believe how hard I ended up crying. I am sure everyone who was there thought I was crying because I was sad she had died.
I cried because I was sad for the little girl in me who never had a mom. A mom who cared and was there when I needed her. I cried because life was so dam unfair!
I watched as they closed the casket. I was relieved to know that she could never hurt me again. Then a few of us went to the grave site where she was to be buried.
Here we were out in the open. I thought it was so stupid that we couldn’t be more people than we were because of COVID.
Arnie read the eulogy, and Beth gave a talk. There was nothing held afterward because of COVID.
I had always imagined when she died that I would spit on her grave or kick her coffin.
But I had told her I had forgiven her. I had to be content with the fact that she was gone. I felt so empty and alone as I headed back home.
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