Wednesday, July 28, 1976
I thought living in Canada was bad. At least there I had a radio with lots of different stations to choose from and a black and white TV with lots of channels. There is an old radio here, but there is never anything worth listening to. There is an old black and white TV too, but there is only one station in this town. The TV programs start with the news at 7:00 p.m., then there is only politics, sports, or something else that’s boring. At 10:00 p.m., the news comes on again.
No radio, no t.v., and no one here my age. I feel so lonely! There are a lot of kids Elisabeth’s age – so she is always outside playing and I don’t see much of her anymore. I spend my time knitting, going to the post office with letters I have written, pulling weeds in the garden, and doing other chores for Mom. I hope I can handle living here without losing my mind!
When I went into town for the first time by myself, I ran to the phone booth to look for my dad. My heart was pounding. I couldn’t wait to talk to him again. As I thumbed through the phone book, I could see it only had numbers for this end of the country. I felt discouraged. Oh, I was so close. I called the operator to ask for help. I gave her my dad’s name. She said that she was unable to help me because she only had phones number for people who live in this part of Denmark, just like the phone book I had just looked at. Finding my dad would have to wait, I was not going to give up hope.
Mom had told me that Bent was my dad now, and not even Elisabeth was to know that we had different fathers. Now that we were back in Skive, Elisabeth was bound to find out the truth. After all, it’s a small town with lots of Bent’s relatives and they knew that Bent was not my real dad. I wanted to talk to an adult about it, but I was scared it would get back to Mom, so I never said anything.
That evening, I went with Mom, Elisabeth, Lilly, and her husband, Agner, to the nursing home to visit Bent’s dad, Mr. Ramsdahl. They said that ever since Mr. Ramsdahl’s wife died, he has gone downhill. While we visited with him, he kept trying to give me and Elisabeth money. But we can’t accept it. They say he never used to be this way and that he has clearly lost his mind. I personally think it’s because he has finally realized that he can’t take the money with him when he dies.
Thursday, July 29, 1976
The money I brought with me from Canada is running out. I went to the unemployment office to see if I could find a job. I was told I needed to have completed 9th grade and must be at least 16 years old to work. Getting a job doesn’t look so good since I have only completed 8th grade and there is still a whole year until I turn 16. I was also told that by law I needed to start school when summer was over. I was scared to go to school! I have such a hard time reading Danish. I went to 3rd grade when I left Denmark and I was already falling behind then. I have a hard time understanding the dialect here. Not only that, but I have forgotten a lot of the Danish language that I used to know. The thought of going to school just terrified me! I just don’t belong here. Oh, how I wish I knew what was to become of me.
Tonight when everyone went to visit Mr. Ramsdahl, I stayed here in the house. I got out the letters I have received from Nick. I read them over a few times and then I cried.
It‘s really creepy being in the old house by myself! The house seems haunted, and it’s not very well-lit. When everyone was here I didn’t notice just how eerie the house was. I can hear creaking all over the place, and the sound of the wind coming through the drafty windows. I have to go to the bathroom, but there is no electricity in the basement. If you have to go to the bathroom in the evening you have to bring a flashlight. It is so scary because as you light your way to the end of the basement to the bucket that is in the back, all the spiders crawl away from the light as you walk. You also have to be careful not to walk into spider webs that are hard to see at night. Elisabeth and I have tried only to go to the bathroom during the day, but that is not realistic. When Elisabeth and I have to go in the evening we always go together. Oh, how I regret staying behind. I looked out the window and thought about going outside. It is very dark and seems too scary. I guess I’ll just have to wait. I sure hope everyone will come back real soon!
Friday, July 30, 1976
Since the house is so small, there is no place I can go to be alone. I end up spending a lot of time in the backyard. I pull the weeds that are as tall as me. I can be out there without anyone knowing where I am. I sometimes cry while I am out here and that’s okay because no one can see me.
Saturday, August 1, 1976
Lilly and Agner went back to Sweden today. I will miss them. Lilly is a really good cook and took such good care of us. She is the kind of mom I wished I always had. It’s strange to think that she is Bent’s sister.
Sunday, August 2, 1976
Nick had written to me that he is upset because he hasn’t heard from me since I left Canada. When I was done with the chores, I wrote and told him to be patient with me because it takes at least a week for a letter to get there from here.
Tuesday, August 3, 1976
Elisabeth’s friends always come over at all hours of the day. I get up early so that I can have some privacy to try to wash myself. Even though it is summer it’s been cold. This old house is so drafty, it’s awful trying to wash off in front of the sink. Thinking about the tub I had to wash in while we lived in Canada didn’t seem so bad now. I was able to get used to the house in Canada. It made me wonder if I would ever get used to this house or feel like I belong here.
Thursday, August 5, 1976
I wish I had a room where I could be alone. While I was writing a letter to Nick, Mom kept trying to read it. It kind of bugged me that she didn’t let me have my privacy. I deliberately sat so Mom couldn’t see what I was writing. Mom got mad and started to yell, “Oh, is there something in there I am not supposed to read!” I only write what has been happening since we got here, it’s just like a journal. I had nothing to hide, so I read the letter out loud.
Mom has been so mean ever since Lilly and Agner have gone back to Sweden. I think it’s because she is not happy about being here either. The yard looks hopeless and the house stinks no matter how much we clean it. We are still trying to adjust to the so-called bathroom in the spooky basement. There is no washer or dryer here, so we have to wash our clothes by hand in the sink. Since there is no hot water in the pipes, we have to heat water up in a kettle, and there is only one kettle that we can heat up at a time. There is a laundry mat here in Skive, but it’s all the way in town. Then we would have to carry all the laundry there and all the way back. Not to mention Mom would have to pay for having it washed, and Bent only gives her a little bit of money at a time. We can’t get the laundry quite as clean as a machine would. Since the windows are so drafty, it’s cold no matter where in the house you are.
When it rains, we hang up the laundry downstairs. When the clothes dry, they stink like mold from the basement. I am surprised they don’t smell like poop as well from the bucket that is right next to where they hang.
Ever since Lilly and Agner went back to Sweden, Mom has not been to see Mr. Ramsdahl at the nursing home. At 7:30 p.m., Mom took off with a lady that she has gotten to know. She didn’t tell me where she was going or when she would be back. I am glad I have Elisabeth so that I wasn’t stuck in this old house alone. We have only been here 14 days. It seems more like 14 years!
Friday, August 6, 1976
Mom and Elisabeth sleep in the bedroom that used to belong to Bent’s mom and dad. The loveseat that is in the living room is where I sleep. Mom and Elisabeth wake up at 8:00 a.m. and since I sleep in the living room, I end up getting up, too. It’s no use trying to sleep in when they are walking around.
I went outside to pull weeds so that I could be alone. While I was out there Mom came out to find me. She told me that since I had been working so hard trying to get rid of these endless weeds, she would pay for half my ticket to go back to Canada. But I had to promise I would keep working and doing chores for her just like I always did. It sounded too good to be true, but I still believed her. I asked Mom when I could go back to Canada. She told me soon, but for now just to keep working.
I wondered why Mom would allow me to go back to Canada. I realized that Bent would be coming to live with us soon. Elisabeth slept next to Mom in the room that used to be Bent’s parents. I think once Bent gets her, Mom wants to have Elisabeth sleep on the sofa where I am sleeping. Then there would be nowhere for me to sleep. I still had all my belongings in my suitcase because there was no place where I could unpack them. Bent always treated Sander and I as if we were in the way. I can’t imagine that would change once he gets here.
When I came in to take a break from pulling weeds, I played with Elisabeth. We were having fun so we started to laugh. Our laughing bothered Mom. Mom got mad at me and told us to be quiet. Then Mom ordered me to set the table. I didn’t mind, but I thought to myself that I wish she would ask me nicely without having to order me around. I didn’t want any trouble so I did as I was told. Elisabeth still wanted to play, I explained to her that I had to set the table or else mom would get even more upset with me. Elisabeth started to whine. I promised her I would play with her again as soon as I had set the table. Elisabeth said, “No, come play now!” Since I didn’t want any trouble, I started to get nervous. I answered, “No, Elisabeth. I have to set the table. Mom is in a really bad mood and I don’t want her upset with me.” Elisabeth started to cry as she was pulling me by the hand to come play. While all this was going on, Mom was in the kitchen. I pulled my hand back while I pleaded with Elisabeth to be good. I assured her that as soon as I was done setting the table, we would play.
Mom came into the living room with a container of ice-cold water. She threw it on me while she yelled, “Will you quit making her cry!” I got soaking wet. Mom came towards me with her hand raised. She was about to hit me. I hurried and pushed her back and ran out the door. I walked for a long time and then I saw a phone booth. I felt like calling Nick because he had written that I could call him collect any time I wanted to. I figured that it was about 4:00 a.m. in Canada and he would be sound asleep. I didn’t want to wake him so I kept walking while I cried. I was so mad at how Mom had treated me. Especially since I had done all I could to avoid making her upset. After walking for a while, I got into an area I had never been in before. I thought I had better turn around before I got lost.
On the way walking back, I saw a little girl. I dried my tears and looked at her. She looked up at me and said, “Hi!” I said hi back and asked her how old she was. She told me she was three. I asked her if her mom knew where she was. She told me she was going to Lisa’s house. I responded, “Yes, but does your Mom know where you are?” As she skipped off she said, “I’m going to a birthday party tomorrow.” Then her pants got stuck on a wire that was sticking out from a fence. I helped her get loose. I couldn’t understand how anyone could let someone so young go anywhere unattended.
When I got back to the house Mom and Elisabeth had already eaten and Mom had started doing the dishes. There wasn’t any food left for me, but that was okay. I wasn’t hungry anyway. I put the dishes away. Neither Mom nor I said anything to each other as we cleaned up the kitchen.
At first, I had decided I wasn’t going to speak to Elisabeth, but I realized that she is only four and it really wasn’t her fault the way mom had acted.
Monday, August 9, 1976
In these past few days, Mom’s anger has gotten worse. I do everything I can to avoid a fight. It didn’t matter how much I tried, I could not make things better. Mom’s anger escalated to the point where she started to pull my hair. I tried to defend myself because I didn’t want her to hurt me and before I knew it we were in a fistfight. She calls me all kinds of terrible names. Since Nick is Italian she also called me a Wap and a “spaghetti-lover”. She makes sure I understand that I am stupid and good for nothing. I know she doesn’t like being here any more than I do. Her rage only makes it so much harder to endure this place.
Today is Elisabeth’s first day of school. I was to have gone too, but Mom was more than happy to have me stay at home so that I could wash our clothes, empty the so-called toilet, and do all the other chores for her.
While Mom went into town, a man came knocking on the door. He told me he was from the school board and he had come to tell me that I needed to go to school. I told him that Mom had said I could stay home and that I couldn’t go to school because I couldn’t understand the dialect they were speaking here and therefore I wouldn’t learn anything. Then the man said that he would give me one month to prove to him that I had a job, and if I was unable to do so, then he would come back to get me.
When he left I was filled with anxiety. I started to cry. I was terrified of being with other people. I was scared of what was going to happen to me. I believed Mom was right about me being stupid. How could I go to school and hope to learn anything? I would just embarrass myself if I tried and the whole school would find out just how stupid I was. I pulled myself together and started to do chores because I knew if mom got home and saw that not much was done she would get upset and I didn’t want another fight to break out again.
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