Chapter 123 Vegan

Friday, July 29, 2005

Sarah told me that she and her boyfriend were no longer eating anything that comes from animals.

She was looking through the fridge and pantry to see if there was anything she could eat. She couldn’t eat bread since it had eggs, milk, and butter in it. As she tried to find something to eat, she grew increasingly upset with me. Sarah told me it was all a conspiracy. I let her know that it wasn’t my fault that most of everything we had came from animals.

Sarah has never eaten very many vegetables or fruits; now, there isn’t much left for her to eat. It will be interesting to see how long this new diet will last.

She has started working as a waitress after school and on the weekends. She said she would start buying her own food since we didn’t have anything for her to eat. I told her it was fine with me.

Laila was making strawberries dipped in melted chocolate. As Sarah was about to eat one, I reminded her that it contained milk. Sarah shrugged her shoulders and ate it anyway.

Before Sarah started this new diet, I don’t think any of us realized just how much of our food comes from animals.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Beth called to tell me that Mom is starting to realize why I am not speaking to her. I honestly don’t think that’s possible!

Beth asked me if I minded if Mom called to apologize. I told her I didn’t believe she would give me a sincere apology, since it’s not in her nature.

Beth got upset with me and said, it would be on my head if I don’t forgive. I have forgiven her, but I just don’t want to keep going back just so she can abuse my family or me again.

I was hurt by what Beth had said. I am pretty sure the Lord won’t put this on my head if I don’t allow Mom to apologize!

I believe that if Mom wanted to apologize, she would send me a letter in the mail or email me the same way she does with all her other messages. Mom is just doing this to get everyone else involved. Mom likes to look like the victim. I hate that I am always the one who has to pay the price! I hate that I have to deal with this!

Monday, August 1, 2005

It’s been a horrible week with Sarah! She has been awful! She yells at all of us and is upset that there is never anything for her to eat. I told her that if she didn’t stop, I was going to turn her over to the state. Sarah didn’t think I was serious. I wasn’t. I just wanted her to stop yelling at us.

Richard thought it was a great idea. So he insisted that we bring her to the place where Jared had spent the night a few years ago. When Sarah realized that’s where we were taking her, she started to freak out.

When we got there, we could drop her off, but then I was to come back in the morning to sign papers saying we had turned her over to the state.

The only thing that saved her from going there was that I couldn’t come back in the morning because I would be at a girls’ camp with Laila for the week.

I was relieved that we weren’t able to drop her off. Richard still thinks we should go through with it when I come. But I won’t go along with it.

Saturday, August 6, 2005

Girls’ camp was something else! The first-year girls are usually so sweet and excited about going to camp. This year, we had a girl named Mia, who just turned 12. She was awful to be around! Since Mia is a first-year beehive, she has to sleep in the same tent as the rest of the beehives. If it had been up to me, Mia would have slept in a tent alone. Mia ended up making all the girls in her tent cry, including Laila.

Mia discovered that I startled easily. I had asked her to stop, but she wouldn’t. I have not had a stress attack in a long time. I ended up getting the worst attack that I have ever had. It lasted so long that I was sure it was the end for me.

When the stress attach was over, I was angery because it had been so painful and it will me a while to recover from. This time, I didn’t ask her to stop; I yelled. I made it clear to her NOT to do it again. Everyone around was shocked to see me this way.

One of the Young Women leaders has always been so patient, but even she had had enough of Mia. She told Mia that if she didn’t stop, she would drive her back home. I wish she had taken her home without giving her a warning first.

I feel bad that this was Laila’s first experience at a girls’ camp. It’s a week we all could have done without! The leaders and I are already dreading next year’s camp. We all pray that Mia won’t go!

This was to have been Sarah’s last year at camp. I think if she had been in a better place mentally, she would have come. I am sad that she didn’t want to be with us.

Laila too, was sad that Sarah wasn’t there to help her with Mia. Laila wants to be close to Sarah, but Sarah doesn’t seem to care about any of us or anything for that matter. It breaks my heart.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

When I got back from camp, I took Sarah to the doctor so that she could get her medication again.

I feel bad for Sarah because she can’t seem to control her mood swings. Hopefully, the medication will start working soon!

Even though her pills haven’t taken effect, she has been so much nicer now that she thinks I will turn her over to the state if she starts up.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Sarah asked if we could go to the mall. When we got to the mall, Sarah told me to pick out a pullover that she knew I had been wanting for a long time.

I told Sarah she didn’t need to buy it for me. She said you never get anything new and insisted. I am so grateful she bought it for me. I love it!

Laila, Johny, and I had a nice time with Sarah. I hope it will last.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Sarah took Laila, Johny, and me to Pizza Hut because she knows it’s my favorite place to eat. She brought us pizza, breadsticks, and drinks. We had the best day together! It seems too good to be true!

Thursday, September 1, 2005

Today marks Jared’s halfway mark for his mission. Halfway more to go, I hope it goes by fast. I miss him so much!

Friday, September 9, 2005

I didn’t have any money for gas. So I asked Sarah if she could lend me some. I promised to pay her back. She knows that I will repay her, so she didn’t mind lending it to me. I felt so bad for asking, but I am grateful she understood.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Beth called to tell me that she and her family were on their way to Canada to visit with her dad. I was happy for her, but sad that when I wanted to visit him, he did not want to see my family or me. It brought back a lot of painful memories of how differently we were both treated growing up.

After church today, Richard, Laila, and I went to our stake center to listen to John Bytheway speak. He is such a good speaker for the youth. I wish Sarah had come with us, but she wanted to go to Cory’s house instead. I let her know that Cory was welcome to come too. Even though Cory is a member, he does not want anything that has to do with the church either.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Richard started a new job today. It pays more, so hopefully things are turning around for us.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

My uncle Sonny told me about Google Earth. Laila, Johny and I ended up spending all day looking up places all over the world. We saw places we had dreamed of visiting someday. Modern technology is so amazing!

Friday, September 23, 2005

I got a phone call from Sarah’s high school. I was asked to come pick her up. Sarah and Cory had been caught having sex in the parking lot where everyone could see them. Sarah was suspended for the rest of the day, and if it happened again, she would be suspended permanently.

As Sarah and I were driving home, I asked her what she was thinking. She acted as if it were everyone else’s fault and that she had nothing to do with it. I don’t understand. I know I have taught her better!

It’s times like this that I am convinced the knots in her umbilical cord caused brain damage.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

After church, we were invited to have dinner at Beth’s place since it was her birthday this week. While we were there, Kevin told me how he had a hard childhood and was upset with his dad at times, but he had forgiven him.

It made me upset. Kevin couldn’t even begin to compare his life with mine! He has not lived my life or suffered the abuse that I have suffered. I don’t understand how he thinks he can just step in and tell me how I should feel or think.

The more I tried to defend myself, the more he downplayed what I had gone through and told me it was time for me to get over my childhood.

He thought it was ridiculous that I wouldn’t come to parties they were having if my mom was there. He said that even though he was divorced from his ex-wife, they were still able to attend their kids’ events. And I should be a big enough person to do the same.

He said everything was my fault because I wouldn’t forgive my mom. I tried to tell him it had nothing to do with forgiveness. But he wouldn’t listen. He has all the answers, and I just need to do what he and Beth tell me.

He ended up lecturing me for a good 45 minutes. I don’t know why I couldn’t walk away or tell him to stop. Instead, I sat there and cried. I felt demoralized and violated!

When Kevin started talking down to me, Richard went into the living room. I wish he had stayed and defended me.

When we got home, I cried hard. Both Laila and Johny had witnessed the whole thing. They felt awful and wished they had been brave enough to tell Kevin to stop. I let them know it wasn’t their fault.

I feel so broken!

Monday, October 2, 2005

Sarah is excited to have been nominated for homecoming queen. I went with her and bought a dress. Sarah paid for it herself. It was over $200.00.

Sarah has been practicing a song on her guitar for her talent. Since I didn’t grow up in America, I don’t quite understand what it is about or why the school has to vote to see who is the prettiest or the most talented.

Thursday, October 6, 2005

Sarah showed me a picture on the internet of how she wanted me to do her hair for the homecoming queen event this evening.

It turned out nice. Sarah has spent a total of $440.00 on the pageant. There were 25 girls in the competition. After watching the talent show, I thought it was impossible to pick the most talented one. I think they should all be the homecoming queen!

As Sarah was singing and playing the guitar, Johny leaned over to me and said, “Wow, she sounds really good!” And she did!

8 out of the 25 girls were picked tonight. Sarah was not one of them. She seemed to take it well, but I know she was hurt. I don’t blame her. I would have been too.

This only confirmed to me that these pageants are not good. Who is to decide who is the prettiest or most talented out of all these girls? I felt bad for Sarah and everyone else who wasn’t chosen. I let her know she did a good job, but I know it’s not enough to make her feel better.

It made me wonder how many of these girls will be affected by this for the rest of their lives, feeling they weren’t good enough.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Laila is always sticking her finger in my mouth when I yawn. It is so irritating! Today, while we were at the orthodontist, the lady kept asking Laila to open her mouth. When the lady left the room, I went behind the chair and said, “Okay, I need you to open your mouth really wide, just one more time.” Laila opened her mouth wide. Then I stuck my finger in her mouth. It was so funny!

Laila, Johny and I laughed. It’s a good thing Laila can take a joke because it was pretty funny.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Sarah is still trying to be Vegan. I wanted to show her that I cared about what she was doing, so I made a soup with all kinds of beans. It also had carrots, celery, and tomatoes. It was a perfect vegan soup. Sarah asked what was for dinner, so I excitedly told her that I had made vegan soup. I thought she would be so happy about it. Instead, she wouldn’t even taste it!

Then Sarah asked me to take her to Maverik so that she could buy herself some real food. I wondered what her idea of real food was, so I took her to Maverik. When she came out of the store, she was eating a hot dog.

Looks like I no longer have to worry about her being vegan.