Chapter 124 Letters

Friday, October 14, 2005

Richard and I have been married for 22 years. He took me to Toco Bell to celebrate. While we were eating, we never said much to each other. It didn’t feel like we were celebrating. It felt like he was just an acquaintance that I had gone out with to be polite.

Richard has been nicer, but I still feel like I am in a waiting room, waiting to be set free. In the meantime, I am going to make the best of the situation.

Monday, October 31, 2005

In the last email I got from Jared, he wrote that some neighbors were harassing him and his companion. I have not heard from him since. It’s been two weeks. He always writes to me every Monday. Because of my anxiety, I was sure the neighbors had killed him and his companion.

While trick-or-treating with Laila and Johny this evening, I saw two other mothers whose sons are on missions. I asked them if they had heard from their sons. They told me they haven’t had any contact for the past two weeks since myldsmail.net was down, but they both heard from their sons today.

Now I am even more worried about Jared.

Tuesday, November 1, 2005

I hardly slept last night. I imagined the worst had happened to him. I couldn’t wait another week to see if he’d send an email. I called the mission office to see if Jared was okay. The person I talked to assured me that he was just fine.

Later in the day, I got an email from Jared. He told me his mission President had called him and asked him to email me to assure me that he was fine. He told me that the missionary site had been down for the last two weeks, and yesterday, when he went to the library to write me, it was closed.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Sarah told me that she had joined the boys’ wrestling team. I don’t think she will graduate, and here she joins the wrestling team. I don’t understand where her priorities are. She is giving me gray hair!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I was trying to be supportive of Sarah, so we went and watched her wrestle. She was terrible at it. I wish I knew why she was doing this.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

During the week, my kids have always had two chores a day. If they haven’t done them on Monday, then it’s 4 chores on Tuesday and so on. If they hadn’t done their chores all week, by Saturday, they have 12 chores and can’t go anywhere until they are done.

All week, Sarah never did her chores. I knew she had planned on going with her boyfriend later today. Instead of getting her chores done, she was lying on the couch reading a book. I asked her if she had planned on doing her chores. She calmly said, “Don’t worry, they will get done.” Then she kept on reading.

The doorbell rang. It was Cory. He got Sarah’s chore list and did them while she stayed on the couch and read. I asked her if she was going to help him. She said, no because Cory wanted to do them for her. I thought what a nice boyfriend. When he had completed the list of things to do, they left.

From then on, Sarah never did her chores. When Saturday came around, Cory would come over and do them for her. I found out later that Sarah had told him I wouldn’t let her go out with him unless he did chores for me. I felt bad for Cory, but I must admit that was pretty clever.

Monday, November 21, 2005

I talked to the principal about Sarah joining the wrestling team. I asked if there was a way they could help her focus on graduating instead. He said it was illegal for the school to make her quit. He seems to think she will get tired of it soon. I sure hope he is right.

Friday, November 25, 2005

We have been invited to have Thanksgiving at Beth’s house. Beth assured me that Mom and Arnie wouldn’t be there because Sander had been released from prison.

Sander was now living with Mom and Arnie, and since Beeth didn’t want anything to do with Sander, they weren’t invited.

When we got to Beth’s house, Kevin told me to go see my mom and make peace with her. They didn’t want to see my brother because they knew what he was capable of, and yet here Kevin expected me to go to my mom’s house and visit with her. It made me so angry, but I didn’t let it show.

I told Kevin I had no reason to go to her house. Kevin was still trying to tell me it was my duty to go make things right with her. I wish Kevin would stay out of it and stop trying to control my life!

I wanted to give Kevin a piece of my mind. When I finally have had enough, I explode. I did my best to remain calm, and I changed the subject.

It was snowing hard. It was scary going to and from Beth’s house. I wish we had stayed home, but I was worried that if we had, it would just have created more problems between my sister, Kevin, and me.

Sarah had to work this evening. It was the first Thanksgiving without her since she was born.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Today started like any other day. Laila, Johny, and I were doing homeschool. Then I went to get the mail. There was a letter that was addressed to me. The return address on the envelope said it was from someone here in the neighborhood. It was written on a typewriter.

I opened the letter. The letter was also typed and two pages long. It said I was an awful person. It asked me how I could go to church and have a son on a mission. No one liked me, and I was nothing but a fake person. It also asked how I could cut my own mom out of my life. The person who had written the letter called me all kinds of awful names.

I started to cry. I had to go to the address and find out who wrote this letter.

I found the house number that was written on the envelope. As I walked up to the door, I realized this person couldn’t have written the letter because in the letter it said, “I see you every Sunday at church. You have no right to go to church!” This person was not in my ward but in my stake. This person did not see me every Sunday.

When I realized this person had not written the letter, I started to walk away.

The lady who lived there had seen me through the window, so she opened the door and asked what I wanted. I started to cry. The lady asked me if I was okay. I told her I had received an awful letter. Whoever had sent it had put her name and address on the envelope.

When I showed her the letter, she was shocked and assured me she had not written it. I told her I knew she hadn’t, since we were not in the same ward.

The lady said this makes me so angry! Why would someone send a letter like this to you and use my name and address?! I told her it must be someone who thought, since her address was so close to mine, that we were in the same ward.

The lady hugged me and said she was sorry about the letter. I had a hard time holding it together because the letter had hurt me!

I then went back home. I tried to focus on homeschooling, but it was impossible since I couldn’t stop crying.

Then I went over to my friend *Susie’s house to tell her about the letter. The letter was hateful and said a lot of awful things about me, mixed in with scriptures and conference talks, saying that if I didn’t repent, I was going to hell. When Susie had read the letter, she said, “That letter is from your mom!”

I told her I wasn’t sure that my mom would send such an awful letter. She asked me who else would do such a thing? Then I remembered years ago, when we moved to Utah, my mom got mad at her cousin Mabel. My mom had tried to get Mabel excommunicated, and when the Bishop wouldn’t agree, my mom had written Mabel a nasty letter mixed with scripture. The more we talked about it, the more it made sense that it could only have been from my mom.

I was grateful that Susie had helped me realize who sent it. On my own, it would have been too hard for me to accept that my own mother was so cruel.

I was supposed to go to Young Women’s tonight because of my calling, but I was so hurt and couldn’t stop crying, so I stayed home.

The letter took me a long time to get over.

Monday, December 5, 2005

I got another letter from my mom. I didn’t read it. It included a birthday card for Johny, who turned 11 today. The letter was written in handwriting I had never seen before. It was without a return address.

I just don’t understand her. If she wanted a relationship with us, she should have apologized for the way she had talked to my kids last Christmas. I have come to realize she cannot be well, otherwise she wouldn’t keep stalking me like this.

My whole life, I have always thought that if I were just a little nicer, if I were just a little smarter, my mom wouldn’t be so mean to me. It’s nice to finally realize, it’s not me that’s the problem.

Tuesday, December 6, 2005

I got another letter in the mail today. It was typed and didn’t have a return address, so I opened it. The letter was bizarre! It said a mean hunter who liked to kill had cut off a mother duck’s head. There was blood everywhere. The Mother duck was covered in her own blood while her baby ducks were sitting by her, crying. The baby ducks were sitting in their mother’s blood and were sad that their mother was dead.

I tried to figure out what my mom was saying in the letter. I knew Sander had moved back in with her. Was he the mean hunter and I the dead duck, and the baby ducks were my children? I was shook up. Scared, Sander was going to come kill me.

Laila and Johny wanted to know why I was carrying. I didn’t tell them about the letter, only that if they ever saw my brother, to hurry inside and then call the police.

I wanted to go to the police, but I am sure they wouldn’t believe that my own mother would do such a thing. Especially since I didn’t have any proof. I wish I knew how to get her to stop stalking me!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Jared got to call home since it’s Christmas. It was so nice to talk to him again!
Beth and her family came so they could talk to him, too.

I wanted to tell Beth about the letter. I didn’t because the letters were so bizarre, and I worried that my sister and her husband would tell me that our mom would never do such a thing. That would just traumatize me even more. So I didn’t say anything.