Friday, November 13, 2020
When I got to my lawyer’s office and we were getting ready for the Zoom meeting, my lawyer placed a chair in the corner. He instructed me to sit there, and while the meeting was in progress, I was not to say a word, or he would cancel the meeting and have Richard win by default. I thought it was odd, but I did as I was instructed.
As I was waiting for the meeting to start, I noticed that my lawyer had sent me an email late last night. It said I needed to get copies of the utilities that had been paid so far; I was also to provide proof of the inheritance I had claimed.
I had already told my lawyer that Richard had taken all the papers that I had needed to prove I had an inheritance. It seemed so pointless for him to have sent me that email.
Since he had placed me in the corner, all I could see was the back of the lawyer’s screen as he sat in front of it. I couldn’t see his face or what was going on, but I could still hear it.
The meeting started with Richard’s lawyer ripping my character apart, piece by piece, just as he had before.
Since my new Bishop had not provided me with the proof I needed that the church was paying the bills or that I had not been disfellowshipped, Richard’s lawyer was having a field day with it.
He built up Richard’s character, saying he was a good, loving, caring person who fulfilled all his responsibilities. He had paid for all the utilities so that I was provided for. While I was the one having affairs throughout our married life. I had even been disfellowshipped because I had been caught cheating.
My lawyer never said a word to defend me. I leaned over so that I could see his facial expression at what was being said. Unlike Grech, who had sat either fiddling with her mask or scattered to find papers, he sat there stone-faced.
Right away I knew something was horribly wrong. His lawyer showed receipts for the items bought with my inheritance, claiming that I was the one who had spent Richard’s money, and therefore I was to give the money back to him. There were receipts for the furniture that was bought, trips to Home Depot, and all kinds of other things.
The lawyer claimed that I had spent $150,000 to set up my preschool. It was all done with Richard’s money, so I was to pay him back, since I was the one who kept the preschool.
His lawyer had gone into both Laila’s and my Venmo accounts. It showed the money we had made from selling the items donated to us so we could pay the lawyer. Except his lawyer claimed it was money paid to us for doing preschool. Even though our Venmo showed it was for different items, it was a disguised payment for preschool.
Since Richard was the manager, I was to pay him the money we had made. Richard didn’t have to give me half of it; he could pay me what he felt I had earned. As I was sitting there, I kept waiting for my lawyer to say something.
The money Richard had taken from both the old and new insurance for a new roof was never brought up.
His lawyer claimed that the money I had received from the car wreck I had spent myself when I had gone on shopping sprees. Then he presented more receipts for things he had bought.
Then he showed receipts for the trip to Denmark we took for Laila. I had given Richard the money in cash for the plane tickets for Laila, my sister, and me. But his lawyer claimed it was Richard who had paid for the whole trip. He even presented a receipt for a hotel he had stayed at, and for food he had ordered for two.
When I saw the date on the hotel bill and the restaurant, I realized it was the day Richard had been gone for hours because he claimed he wanted to find the perfect spot to jog. The lawyer wanted me to pay Richard back for the plane tickets, the hotel, the restaurant, and everything else he had bought while we were in Denmark.
The lawyer showed proof that I had signed to take out a second mortgage just before the house was paid off. He claimed I was the one who wanted to take out the loan since I had a terrible spending habit. I was to give Richard back the loan, since he had paid it off along with the house and all other loans taken out during the mortgage.
My lawyer never said one word in my defense. As I sat there feeling sick about what was happening, I thought, my lawyer must be in cahoots with his. No wonder he had put me in the corner and didn’t want me to speak up during the hearing… No, he couldn’t be! He was working for me, and that was why he was charging me so much money.
His lawyer said that Richard should not have to pay me any alimony since I was perfectly capable of making money from my preschool to provide for myself. Nothing was mentioned about his 401k.
At the end of the meeting, Richard’s lawyer requested that we meet again in 90 days so that he would have time to gather up more evidence against me. The judge granted it.
After the meeting ended, instead of logging out, my lawyer said to Richard’s lawyer…(Something that will forever be ingrained in my mind!… Names have been changed) “My Mart, you are looking good since I last saw you!” Richard’s lawyer responded, “I was thinking that same thing about you, Erick.” Then they had a personal conversation. Not only that, but then the female judge chimed in. Apparently, she was good friends with them as well.
I sat there having a hard time digesting what I had just witnessed.
When they finished their conversation, my lawyer turned to me and said I needed to be prepared to sell my house, give Richard half, and give him my half as well because of the amount I owed him.
I started to panic. I broke down in tears and said, “That’s not right! I can’t work because of my C-PTSD; I will never survive. I have no money; I am already having a hard time paying you.”
My lawyer just stood there looking at me as if he couldn’t care less. Then he said, “Yeah, life’s not fair. I will keep in touch about our next meeting.”
I got in my car and continued crying. After sitting there for a while, I didn’t know if my tears would ever stop, so I started the car and hoped I would make it home safely.
When I got home, Laila asked if I was okay. I couldn’t talk, so I just shook my head. I went into my bedroom, shut the door, and lay in a fetal position as I kept crying.
Laila came into my bedroom and said, “Talk to me. What happened? Are you okay?” I told her we were going to lose everything and that I couldn’t fight anymore and that I wanted to die.” Laila tried to comfort me, to no avail.
She then called Jared. He and his wife came right over. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Jared told me I couldn’t give up. He told me it was time to get a new lawyer.
I couldn’t afford to start over. I didn’t have it in me. Jared insisted that what happened in court was not right and therefore I needed to keep fighting. He assured me that he and his wife were there for me. Laila added, “You know you can always count on me as well! We got this; together we can do it!”
I dried my tears. I couldn’t do it alone, but with their support maybe I could survive.
Beth called. Both she and Kevin were on the phone asking how the hearing went. After I told them, they felt terrible. Especially Kevin. I told him it wasn’t his fault and that he had done all he could to help me. Both he and Beth assured me that they were there for me.
For the past year, I have been texting and emailing with one of my preschool’s moms, named Jercia.
Right from the beginning, she had been there for me. She had told me in January about a lawyer that she had used in the past. But I had already paid my lawyer $3,000 and therefore had continued with him.
I got a text from Jercia asking how it went in court today. I told her. She said she would text her lawyer and get the ball rolling. I am glad she did, because I was in no condition to do it myself.
Saturday, November 14, 2020
I went on Facebook and scrolled to get my mind off of what had happened yesterday. Richard had been bragging about his boyfriend, Jess, and had posted pictures of him. Since I no longer had access to his Messenger and hadn’t seen any recent posts of Jess. I wondered what had happened to him.
Jess was 26. Judging from the messages I had read between them, he seemed very much like an innocent child. I had worried about him and wondered how he was doing. So I sent Jess a message asking how things were going. He immediately called me through Messenger.
He cried as he told me that Richard had said he needed to see a therapist because he had mental issues. He had taken whatever money he could from him, used him for cleaning his house, and then kicked him out.
While he was living with Richard, he had told him that he couldn’t call or text his parents. He wanted complete control over him. Richard had tried to get his parents to sign papers saying that from now on he was his legal guardian because he wanted control of his bank account and his disability check that he was getting every month, but his parents would not allow it.
After Richard had kicked him out, he was happy that he could call and message his parents without getting into trouble.
Richard had given him so many promises. He had also promised him a bike. During our conversation, it was obvious that Jess was having a hard time understanding that Richard had not given him the bike he had promised. It seemed to me that he still thought Richard would give him one since he had no way of getting around.
Jess would get in trouble if he didn’t do what Richard had told him. Richard would give him a list of chores. Then he would leave him home alone for hours, claiming he had gone to work even though it was in the evening. He had thought it odd, since Richard also worked from home.
He had wanted to please Richard, so he had done all the chores he had been asked to do. He had made sure his house was spotless.
He was uncomfortable with some of the things Richard wanted him to do with other men, and since Richard couldn’t get him to do them and couldn’t get full access to his bank account, he had been kicked out. I did what I could to comfort him. We talked for over an hour.
Then I got a message from Jess saying I was awesome! He was glad our paths had crossed. He had felt so much better after talking to me. I let him know he could call me anytime and I would be there for him.
After I had talked with Jess, I felt like I was still walking behind Richard, cleaning up messes that he had made.
Then Jess’s mom called me. She said it had been the worst day of her and her husband’s life when they had dropped off their son at Richard’s house. But they felt they had no choice but to trust Richard to take good care of their son. She and her husband lived in another state, and she felt bad about not being able to talk Jess into moving back home. She wanted to be closer to him so that she could be there for him. I promised her that I would check in on him and keep her updated. She couldn’t believe that I was willing to do that for her and couldn’t thank me enough.
Laila and I are still doing a lot of laundry because it seems that no matter what we did, the bedbugs kept coming back. When we researched online how to completely get rid of them, the dryer was an important step to kill the eggs.
Given how much we used the dryer trying to get rid of the bedbugs, I am not surprised it stopped working. We could just hang our clothes to dry as I had done in the past, but that wouldn’t kill the eggs, so we needed it working as soon as possible. I added it to the list of things that we needed fixed. I would give it to my new bishop when I met with him tomorrow.
Sunday, November 15, 2020
After what happened in court Friday, it was hard to go to church. But I pulled myself together and went.
When all the meetings were over, I went and saw the new Bishop. As he was introducing himself, it sounded to me like he believed he had been called to clean up all the handouts in our ward. I thought, he couldn’t possibly mean me. He was called of God, so he would be inspired to know how to help me.
Then he asked me if I was aware that I was not to ask the church for help. I was to ask family members first!
With everything I had gone through with my mom and Richard, I was very well aware of it! I told him I had done that, and since the divorce was dragging on, I had exhausted all my resources. He told me to go back and try again.
It was already humiliating to receive the help they had given me, because I knew they had given me what they could. I just sat there as he lectured me.
He said a person my age should know to have savings in case of an emergency. Then he started talking about the self-reliance class. He didn’t need to tell me about it. I had taken that class so many times that I could teach it in my sleep!
I started crying and tried to explain how I got into this situation, thinking he would be sympathetic and understanding. But it was apparent he had already made up his mind about me. He had no clue what I was talking about, and he didn’t seem to care enough to listen.
Then he asked me what I had thought about doing in order to become self-reliant. I was twice his age and had gone through more trauma than he could ever imagine.
I told him I had C-PTSD and had a hard time learning because I disconnected. Then he interrupted me, “I can see we are also paying for you to see a therapist. It looks to me that you should have worked through your issues by now.” I was shocked. He obviously had no clue what it was like to live with this condition. As I was trying to explain it to him, he told me it was about time I pulled myself together and got over it.
I told him I was going to court again and would need a document stating I was never disfellowshipped and that the church had been paying my utilities. He told me the church didn’t get involved in divorces. Anything the church had that I needed was to be subpoenaed. Through my tears, I told him I had already paid a lawyer so much money. I could not afford to have it subpoenaed. He didn’t seem to care. He stood firm in complying with the church’s policy.
Then I asked him if my soon-to-be ex had been excommunicated. He told me that was none of my business. I said the only reason I asked was that I saw on his Facebook page that he was going to church and I was worried he would be called to serve in scouts. He told me that was not for me to worry about. The leaders of Richard’s ward would be inspired by God to decide whether to call him.
I was going to give him the list of broken items that I had in my hand. But judging from how our conversation was going, I slipped the paper back into my pocket.
By the time I left his office, I was stripped of all dignity and any self-worth that I had left.
When I got home, I sent my friend a message. I saw on Facebook that he had recently been called to be the Bishop of his ward. I asked him if he would mind checking if my soon-to-be ex had been excommunicated. He said all he needed was his full name and birthday. So I messaged it to him. Within 10 minutes, he messaged back that Richard had not been excommunicated from the church. I thanked him for doing that for me. I don’t think he had any idea of how much that meant to me.
Monday, November 16, 2020
I called my therapist to cancel my next appointment because I was worried the new Bishop was not going to pay for it. She told me to keep coming because of everything I was going through. She said the church had already agreed to pay for whatever counseling I needed. She was sure that they would keep their word.
Jess’s mom called me. She told me about everything Richard had put their son through. I wondered if the parents could sue him for what he had done to their son. I told her that he had to be stopped so that he wouldn’t be able to do it to anyone else. She said she was just glad Jess got away from him, and she didn’t want to put her son through whatever it would take to stop Richard from doing it to someone else again.
I thought about the time when Jared was 5 and had been hurt by a substitute teacher. I had convinced him to keep telling his story so another child wouldn’t get hurt. It just retraumatized him, and nothing was ever done about it. So I understood why she didn’t want to put her son through it.
A neighbor who has moved away from the neighborhood stopped by after seeing Richard’s posts on Facebook. She didn’t believe what he had posted and wanted to know how I was doing. She wanted to hug me, but because of COVID, she didn’t know if she should. I broke down crying as she held me in her arms.
She worked at a law firm. She said it DID matter that I had evidence that Richard had cheated on me and what he had said about me. That’s what my whole case should have been based upon! She said my case had grossly been mishandled. She was shocked that my lawyer had not defended me on anything that had been said about me.
Tuesday, November 17, 2020
My mouth was still a mess, so I went to see a different dentist for a second opinion. This dentist told me everything was fine. I was shocked, because from all the infection, I had a gaping hole in my upper jaw, and it didn’t seem like it was getting better. Instead, the hole was getting larger with each visit to my dentist. So I questioned him. He seemed upset and assured me that my dentist knew what he was doing.
Wednesday, November 18, 2020
I had an appointment to see Trisha today. She asked me how I was doing. I told her that even though it had been almost a year, I still cared and worried about Richard. I was having a hard time separating who I thought he was from who he turned out to be. I asked her how come he is not hurting or grieving our marriage? She said because he was never committed from the very beginning. You were the one who did all the sacrificing, while he only used you.
When you were ready to leave him 16 years ago, your Bishop told you it was your duty to be there for him, so you recommitted yourself to him and your marriage. While he, on the other hand, never once gave a crap.
The more you sacrifice for someone, the more you are invested and the more you care about them.
I had sacrificed so much before I even met him. I left my home country to achieve my dream. I was worthy of my Temple recommend, while he had done nothing to prepare for it. He had been given a free pass just so he could use me as a cover-up.
What she had said made so much sense and helped me understand the grief that I was going through.
She asked me what was going on in my life the past few days. I told her about Jess. I was sure she would be proud of me for being there for him. Instead, she told me it wasn’t my responsibility to keep cleaning up after Richard.
As I drove home, I thought about Jess. She was right; he was not my mess to clean up. But he was still a human being. Someone who was hurting. Someone who was a victim of what Richard had done. Since I could relate to Jesse’s pain, I would do what I could to help him get through it.
Thursday, November 19, 2020
I went to the dentist because I could tell all the cadaver bone had fallen out. As I sat in his chair waiting for him, all his assistants gathered around me in a circle. I wondered what was going on.
In hindsight, his assistants must have known that the dentist was going to give me an earful. I am sure they had gathered because they didn’t want to miss out.
When the dentist finally came, he said, “I hear you have been to see my friend for a second opinion! That tells me you don’t trust what I am doing!” Then he scolded me! I felt so degraded and humiliated!
I should have just gotten up and left, but because I have been conditioned that it’s okay for people to treat me this way, I just sat there and cried silently. When he was done reprimanding me, I quickly left.
I had to cross a busy intersection to get home. I wanted to push the pedal as hard as I could and drive into the heavy traffic. I just couldn’t take it anymore.
As I was about to push the pedal, I thought of the person that I would be running into. He or she was innocent, and I would most likely kill that person. Knowing my lot in life, I wouldn’t die. I would be confined to a wheelchair and have to depend on others for the rest of my life, and I would be left with the guilt that I had killed an innocent human being.
As I sat there, I tried to muster the courage to take a chance and just go for it. But the thought that I might kill an innocent person was unbearable, so I had to think of another way to end my life.
As I was driving home, I recalled the dream I once had in Canada. The one where I was told there was a reason why I would be going through so much and was to write it all down so others could learn from it.
Who was I kidding? With the way my life was, I would never be able to write about everything that had happened to me.
When I got home, Jared called to see how I was doing. I told him what the dentist had done, and I felt defeated. I told him like it was. I was tired and didn’t want to live anymore. He told me I had to hang in there. He said if I died, he would be left parentless. He needed me here; his siblings and my grandkids did, too.
Since the Bishop had stripped me of all self-worth, I needed to hear that!
Jared said he would go with me to the dentist so that I could get the money back that he had already been paid. Then I would be able to afford to go to a different dentist. One who knew what he was doing.
I had to stop thinking about wanting to die. I lay down on the couch in the kitchen so I could see Lily playing. She was one of the many reasons I needed to stay alive.
As I lay there watching her play, I fell asleep. I didn’t know Laila had taken these pictures of me. They pretty much sum up how I was feeling mentally, physically, and emotionally.
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