Sunday, August 29, 1976
This morning, when Mom and Bent had gone to the Hospital to visit Elisabeth, Lilly and Agner, came from Sweden. I told them Mom had put food in the fridge and they were welcome to help themselves. Lilly brought some food in from their car that she had prepared before she got here. Lilly noticed that Mom had rearranged a few things in the house, so she put them back to the way her parents had always had them. Then she proceeded to finish preparing the food that she had brought and set it on the table. Mom is not much of a cook, so I was excited to eat what Lilly had made.
As we were about to eat Mom and Bent came back. When Mom saw the food she got upset. In her stern voice, she said, “Anne-Mette! Did I not tell you to tell Lilly I have already made food for us?” Lilly seemed dumbfounded that Mom was behaving this way. Lilly hurried and answered for me, “Yes, she told me, but I have prepared this.” I started to get nervous because I knew Mom was going to make a scene.
Mom looked around the house and could see that Lilly had put things back to the way her parents used to have them. This only made Mom more upset. It looked like she was going to explode, but instead, she stormed out of the house. I wanted to make things better with Mom and Lilly so I ran out the door after Mom. I asked her where she was going. Mom responded, “Don’t you worry! I am going for a bike ride!”
I could see Mom was in no mood to calm down, so I went back inside. Once I got back in I could hear Bent and Lilly talking. I could tell Lilly never meant any harm, as they were talking it sounded like they both wanted things left just the way their parents had left them.
I didn’t like all the tension so I went outside in the backyard. Bettina saw me, so she came over to be with me. There are a lot of fruit trees here in the backyard. Together Bettina and I picked some plumbs and ate them. Even though she was only ten we had a lot of fun together.
Lilly came out to tell me there was a phone call for me from Canada. It could only be Nick on the phone so I ran inside as fast as I could. Nick told me that he had the plane ticket and it could be made out in one week. Now it was just up to me to get packed and come. I had to tell Nick that Mom had changed her mind about me leaving. He sounded disappointed, but there was nothing I could do about it. It was strange to hear his voice again. We could only talk for a little bit because it is very expensive for him to call from Canada.
I could tell everyone in the house was worried about where Mom had gone, and why she was not back yet. When it was late and time for bed, Mom finally came back. No one said much and then everyone went to bed.
Monday, August 30, 1976
No one has said much to each other today. It’s extremely uncomfortable! I do my best to stay out of it. Lilly and Bent spent most of the day making funeral plans.
Tuesday, August 31, 1976
Nick called this morning to tell me that the plane ticket was made out for this Friday and he could not cancel it or he would lose his money. I turned to Mom to let her know what he had just said. Mom just sat there and shook her head, no! I told Mom the only reason he had gotten the ticket in the first place was because she had said I could go. Mom just shrugged her shoulders and very nonchalantly said, “Too bad, I have to have him sign papers first.” I repeated to Nick what Mom had just said. He got upset and started to yell, “We had everything planned out! You just don’t care! Do you!” I tried to explain that I wanted to leave more than anything else in the world, but I couldn’t without my passport. I could tell he wasn’t listening. Then he yelled, “Tell you what! I don’t care anymore either!” and hung up the phone.
I started to cry. Mom just sat there, it looked like she was enjoying the whole thing. I was so hurt! I thought, “He of all people understood what I was going through and what it was like living here.” I felt like grabbing a knife and running into the backfield and getting my life over with. I couldn’t stand another second living like this.
I ran outside where I could be by myself and cry. I cried hard and for a very long time! After I had been out there for a while, I started to walk up the street to see if I could see the mailman. As I walked towards him I made sure my tears were all dried up. The mailman could see I had been crying, but he didn’t say anything. Then he handed me a letter from Nick.
I wanted to go into the backyard so I could read it, but the kids in the neighborhood were running around outside. I knew if they saw me they would come to be with me. I just couldn’t be with anyone right now. Even though the basement stank so horrible I went down there so I could be alone. I couldn’t read the letter because I was crying too hard. After I had sat there for a while I was able to pull myself together so I could see what he had written.
When I had been there for a while Mom came downstairs. She said, “Tell Nick that you can leave on November 15th. I didn’t answer her because I didn’t believe what she was saying. Then Mom yelled, “I am talking to you! Don’t you care about what I am saying!” I dried my tears and then I looked at Mom as I said, “I don’t care what you say, first you say I can go. Then you say I can’t, and now you expect me to believe you again.” Mom tilted her head as she said, “Hmmmm!” and walked off.
After I had been in the cold stinky basement for about an hour, I came back upstairs. I felt so lost! Then I got out my pen and paper and started to write. It is so awkward to have everyone sitting around me as I write. I longed for a place where I could have some privacy. As I was writing, Mom said, “Write and tell Nick you can leave November 15th. I didn’t want to deal with her so I said, “Leave me alone!” Then Bent said, “I will be a witness that you can leave November 15th. I have talked it over with your Mom and that’s the day we have set for you to leave.” I knew Bent was anxious to get rid of me. I thought he was most likely counting down the days for me to go. I started to get some hope and thought maybe that would be the day I could leave after all.
I wrote Nick telling him to make the plane ticket out for November 15th, 1976. I asked him to please be patient with me because I was coming one way or another.
Wednesday, September 1, 1976
This morning, everyone was running around trying to get ready for the funeral. I have never been to a funeral before. When we got to the Lutheran church, a lot of Bent’s family and people from the town were there. Lilly cried hard while the pastor gave his talk. Later, when Agner, Bent, and some other men carried the coffin I walked with Lilly behind the casket. Lilly was still crying hard. I held her hand. Listening to her cry made me cry too. The funeral seemed so sad. It was like no one had hope of ever seeing each other again.
When the funeral was over, people came to the house and had coffee and cake. While everyone was here, Mom started yelling at me. I couldn’t believe it. I hadn’t done anything. I was so embarrassed! There has been a lot of tension between Lilly, Bent, and Mom. Now Mom was taking it out on me. I think it makes her feel powerful when she yells at me the way she does. I also think she is mad because I had walked with Lilly and held her hand while we walked behind the coffin. Since Mom was yelling at me, everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me. I kept my head low while I continued to help out.
When everyone had left I helped clean up the place. When all the chores were done I sat down to write my daily letter. As I was writing, Mom came over and said to me in a low voice, “You should go see a doctor.” I was confused, so I answered, “Why? I am not sick.” Then Mom responded, with an eerie low voice, “Yes! There is something wrong with your head!” Then she walked away.
I stopped what I was doing and wrote out a paper saying that Mom would let me go back to Canada on November 15th, 1976 as she had promised because I was afraid she would go back on her word again. I asked Mom to sign the paper. Mom looked at me. Her eyes were full of rage and hate. Then she said, “No! I am not going to sign that paper! You are not going anywhere. You are staying here until you are 18!” I didn’t say anything. I kind of knew she would go back on her word. I just wanted to have her sign the paper to see if she was really going to let me go. Then I went back to finishing the letter I had been writing.
Mom and Bent were not able to see Elisabeth at the hospital today because of the funeral. I wondered if she was okay being at the hospital by herself.
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