Chapter 125

Monday, December 26, 2005

Our dishwasher broke. Looks like we will be doing dishes by hand for a while.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Our dryer went out. I don’t mind hanging up our laundry. It will just take longer to dry, and we will save on the utility bill.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

If things keep going the way they are, I am pretty sure I am going to end up in the nut house!

They say that sometimes negative events occur in sets of three. Hopefully, this is the last thing that will break for a while.

Sunday, January 1, 2006

While I was in church today, I looked around the congregation. It seemed to me everyone was wearing new clothes they had gotten for Christmas. None of them seemed to suffer as I did.

I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and be grateful that the members were paying for Jared’s mission.

Monday, January 2, 2006

Wendy, a lady from our ward, called. She said that she had a bunch of stuff for DI. She asked me if I wanted to go through it before she dropped it off. I told her I would love to have it.

Wendy brought over bags and boxes. It filled the whole living room. As Laila and I went through it, Laila said, “This is more fun than Christmas!” I was thinking the same thing.

There were nice clothes for Sarah, Laila, and me. I was hoping to find something for Johny.

When we had gone through all the boxes, I apologized to Johny for not finding anything for him. Johny said, “It’s okay, I love wearing the clothes that used to belong to Jared. I was grateful Johny had Jared’s hand-me-downs. The pants that Jared outgrew were so worn out. I had sewn patches on them. Even with patches, Johny was happy for them.

Mixed in with the clothes were baking supplies and treats. It looked like it was stuff they had received for Christmas. Wendy is on a diet, so she didn’t want it. Laila and I had fun baking the different things we had been given.

I feel so blessed!

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

I heard on the news tonight that two missionaries had been shot. One died, and the other was in the hospital. They didn’t release the names, since the family still needed to be notified. I immediately got worried.

When I went to bed, I thought that if it were Jared and his companion, I would have heard from the mission home by now.

I felt sorry for the families whose sons had been shot. I prayed the Lord would continue to keep my son safe. After hearing this terrible news, I had a hard time falling asleep.

Wednesday, January 4, 2006

Johny is worried about growing up and going on a mission. I told him not to worry because when the time came, I would go with him. I was just kidding. Johny said, “Oh, good! Maybe the mission president will let us be companions.” He is so cute! I love him so much!

Thursday, January 5, 2006

Our heater broke a few nights ago, and we can’t afford to get it fixed. The house has been so cold. During the day, we stay in the kitchen, turn on the oven, and then leave it open so that we can get warm.

We only have one space heater. It doesn’t give out much heat, so we all sleep in the same room. Hopefully, we can get it fixed soon.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

I had put some clothes in the washer. When I went to see if it was done, there was water all over the laundry floor. The washing machine was broken. I wiped up all the water and put the wet laundry in a basket. Since it’s Wednsday I had to go to YW. I would deal with it when I get home.

When I got to YW, I was late. In my haste, as I was getting out of the van, I slipped on the ice that was on the ground. I fell backwards and hit my head. As I lay on the ground, I was pretty sure I had gotten a concussion. As always, when I get hurt, I do my best to block it out and move on.

When I got inside, I tried to act as if nothing had happened. When Cindy, the YW president saw me, she asked if everything was okay. I apologized for being late. I told her that my washing machine was broken and had flooded the floor.

When we were done with YW, Cindy offered to come home with me to pick up my laundry. I told her I would be fine, but she insisted.

Cindy brought the laundry home. She told me I was welcome to use her washing machine as long as I liked. I felt bad about it, but boy was I grateful!

Monday, January 16, 2006

Beth wanted me to come and visit with her since it’s Marten Luther King’s Day. It’s hard for me to leave Sarah. Even though she is almost 18 years old, she can’t seem to get out of her depression. I wonder if it’s more than depression that she was dealing with, because she can be so outrageous at times. I don’t know what is going on with her, only that she is not doing well.

Beth came to my place instead and spent the day with her girls.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Our water heater went out during the week, so we have been living without hot water. Since it’s hard to live without hot water, Richard went to Home Depot and bought a new water heater. We don’t have the money for it, so it went on the charge card.

When he got back into his truck, it wouldn’t start. He ended up having to get it towed home.

When I saw the tow truck in the driveway, I wondered how it was even possible for so many things to break in such a short time.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

We got a new Bishop. He called Richard and me into his office and told us that we needed to start paying for Jared’s mission. I was sick about it! I wish we could, I was paying $20.00 here and there. It was nowhere near the $400.00 that is needed to pay for his mission every month.

Richard didn’t tell him he was barely making enough to cover the house payment, and food was limited. Instead, he said that we would start paying for it.

When we got home, I asked Richard why he had agreed to it and where he was going to get the money. He just shrugged his shoulders.

I wrote the Bishop a letter. I let him know about all the things that had broken over the past few weeks, and we couldn’t get them fixed because we didn’t have the money.

I also told him, on top over everthing else, my tooth had cracked. I have talked to my dentist, and he told me it would cost $500.00 to get it fixed. Since we didn’t have the money, I was living with a terrible toothache. I tried not to think about the pain, hoping it would stop, but it was only getting worse.

Monday, January 23, 2006

I have been cleaning out the garage. I am hoping that if the garage is organised, it will be easier for Richard to find what he needs. Hopefully, then he won’t feel the need to buy more tools.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept tossing and turning. I worry about all the bills. I wondered how my life turned out like this. This is not what I had imagined it would be like!

My goal has always been to stay out of debt and have everything organized. I don’t understand how Richard could have spun so out of control and gotten us into so much debt. I also don’t understand how he could have let the garage get so bad.

I kept going over what I could do differently to help him. But I don’t think there is anything I can do except clean up after him.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

The Bishop asked to see Richard and me after church. While we were in his office, he told us that the members would continue to pay for Jared’s mission. He asked us if we needed a food order. I told him we did. He also said that he would find a dentist to fix my broken tooth.

I told the Bishop I was grateful and that I would go to DI and work it off. He responded, I have known you for years. I don’t know anyone who has given as much service to the church as you have. Consider it paid in full.

I burst into tears. I felt he had restored my dignity. I can’t even begin to express my gratitude for having a new Bishop!

Tuesday, February 7, 2006

I am still cleaning out the garage. It makes me sad to see the things that Richard has wasted our money on over the years. I just don’t understand it! I have to focus on my blessing, otherwise I am afraid I will have a nervous breakdown.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Cory came over and gave Sarah some beautiful roses, a stuffed animal, and some chocolate since it’s Valentine’s Day today. Sarah was so happy.

The other day, I asked Richard not to buy me anything for Valentine’s Day since money was scarce. I was glad he had respected my wishes.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Johny was helping me clean out some of the boxes that Richard had stored in the basement. As we were cleaning Johny asked me if I wanted to see something exciting. Then he excitedly said, “I found a video in the recorder!” It had been tucked away in a box for 8 years since the video recorder no longer worked.

We put the video into the VCR to see what was on it. It was a family video we had never seen before. It was strange to see my kids so young. It had me realize even more so just how fast time goes by.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

I got an email from my mom telling me what an awful person I am. She knows I sent Bent a card for his birthday and Christmas, and that he calls me on my birthday. In her email, she called me “A Bent lover” and wrote a lot of other hurtful things.

I emailed her back, asking her to leave me alone. I know this will only get her more upset. But I don’t know what else to do to make her stop harassing me.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Beth came with her girls to spend the day. Beth told me they were having *B’s baptism. B asked if we would come. I told B that we would come another day when my mom wasn’t there.

Beth got mad. She said, “You can’t stay away from everything!” I tried to get her to understand why I didn’t want to see our mom. Beth said to come, and that she and Kevin would talk with her.

I know Beth means well, but I don’t think she can even begin to understand the abuse our mom is still putting me through. I wish she would respect my point of view, and why it’s too painful for me to come.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Sarah has had a rough week because Cory has broken up with her. Sarah let me read a letter that Cory has written to her. It looks like he was upset that she wasn’t trying to graduate or that she seemed to have no goals. He was tired of watching her just float by in life.

Sarah is taking the breakup hard! She is still wearing his ring and sleeps with his picture next to her at night. It breaks my heart to see her like this! I wish there was something I could do to help her feel better.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Beth and Kevin called me. They demanded that I go to B’s baptism. I tried to explain to them why I couldn’t go. They told me I needed to forgive her and that I needed to repent from the hate that I had toward Mom. I tried to explain to them that I didn’t hate her.

A little while later, I got an email from Beth. It said that I needed to repent. I was decaying from cancer, from hate towards our mom, and I was killing myself with hate. It said a bunch of other hurtful things. She also wrote that I needed to get rid of my journals. She added I kept them only so I could keep reading them over and over about my childhood. Instead of trying to forgive and get over it.

I thought it was ironic that my journals had helped me heal from my childhood.

Beth’s email had me upset. I wanted to email her back, telling her to stop judging me and to stay out of my life since she was retraumatizing me.

I had to go to Young Women’s. I didn’t want to be late. I would have to respond to her email later.

By the time I got home, I had cooled off. I knew if I emailed her back to defend myself, she still wouldn’t get it.

I wrote back saying, “I love you,” and sent it off. Sarah saw what I had written since she sat next to me.

Sarah asked, “That’s all you are going to write?! That will make her mad at you.” I told Sarah, “I have thought about it, and yes, it might make her angrier. But that is not my intent. I don’t want to fight or have to defend myself anymore.”

Monday, February 27, 2006

I got an email from Beth asking if I was being sarcastic when I wrote that I loved her.

I wrote back, I loved her before she was even born, and that I loved her still.

Beth wrote back. Okay, good, then let’s just forget everything and stop fighting.

I thought, “Wow, just like that, I am supposed to forget all the hateful things you wrote me?” I didn’t respond because I didn’t know what to say back.

Friday, March 10, 2006

These past few weeks have been so hard on me! B’s baptism is tomorrow.
“I don’t want to go!” I am only going because I feel bullied into it.