Thursday, March 9, 2006
Johny reminds me so much of Jared when he was that age. Johny wants to win me in arm wrestling, so he works out with weights every day. When I see him working out, he gives me a great big smile because he knows someday, he will be able to beat me. I told him that as long as I can still beat him, that means he is still my baby.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
We went to B’s baptism. I stayed at the back of the chapel as far away from my mom as possible. I don’t hate her. I only feel sorrow.
Arnie was there too. I didn’t talk to him either. When the baptism was over, we were all invited to Beth and Kevin’s house to eat lunch. Johny and I wanted to go home, but Richard, Sarah, and Laila wanted to go have something to eat.
When we got to Beth’s house, Johny and I waited outside in the car. Beth came outside and told us to come in. I felt sick. I didn’t want to go inside, but to keep the peace, I did anyway.
I went straight to the kitchen. Arnie was there. I said hi to him. The whole time we were there, Arnie stayed in the kitchen. My mom stayed in the living room. When I was done eating, I went downstairs. Kevin didn’t say one word to me the whole time, but that’s okay.
I used to want everyone’s approval and to be liked by everyone. I don’t need his approval or understanding. He has no idea what I have or am going through. I have come to realize that’s okay.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
When we got home from church today, there was a message from someone telling us there was a picture and an article of Jared and his companion in the Durango News.
We looked up the article on the computer and found it. It was fun to see Jared’s picture and read the article.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
It is getting harder and harder for me to be nice to Sarah. She is so rude towards all of us. The only time she is nice is because she wants something.
I wish I could go back in time. I wondered if I had homeschooled her at the time she was being bullied, if that would have made a difference. I miss the old Sarah that I used to know.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Sarah hit Laila twice this evening. It was hard on Laila that Sarah had hit her. Not just physically, but emotionally as well.
I told both girls to come into the bedroom with me. It took some convincing. When we were in my room, Sarah said, “I am not hugging Laila or telling her that I am sorry!” I assured Sarah that was not why I had asked them to come to my room.
I told the girls that I knew they were both hurting. I thought it was a shame they couldn’t find a way to be there for each other. Sarah is 5 years older than Laila. I wanted to tell Sarah that she needed to try harder to be patient with her. But I knew it wouldn’t make any difference.
I needed to go to Home Depot, so I asked them if they would like to get out of the house and come with me. They both said yes. When we got back, both girls were calmer.
Friday, March 24, 2006
I took Sarah to the doctor today. The doctor asked Sarah some questions. Then he gave her a lot of papers to fill out. There were 40 questions on the paper. If you answered yes to more than 20 questions meant you had Bipolar. Sarah answered yes to 32 of them.
Then he told me that the pills Sarah had been taking were for depression, and the reason they weren’t helping was that they were the worst thing you can take if you have Bipolar. I thought, no wonder she was so out of control.
When we got home, Sarah threw a royal fit over nothing. This time, instead of getting mad at her, I didn’t say anything because my heart was broken for her. I now knew there was nothing I could say or do to help her snap out of it.
A while back, I took a 6-week course called “Nomi”. The very first class was called “Snap Out of It.” It helped me to understand that there’s nothing I can say or do that will make a difference.
For so long, I have prayed for a miracle for my family. Instead of a miracle, I am told Sarah has Bipolar. I don’t understand why it couldn’t have been diagnosed sooner, so that she could have received the help that she needed. The rest of the evening I felt sad!
I went for a walk. As I was walking in the neighborhood, I saw a lot of people that I know. A few of them said, “Hi, how are you?” I already have a hard time with this greeting since I am not accustomed to it. After I came to America and learnt it was just a formality, I never did get used to it.
In Denmark, people only say “Hi, how are you?” to each other when they truly want to know how you are doing. It was hard to smile at them and say, “Hi, I am fine, how are you?” when inside I felt like my heart had broken into a million pieces.
When I got back, Laila asked me why I was so sad. I hugged her and told her I would be okay.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
This morning, when I was driving Sarah to driver’s ed, I asked her how she felt about being diagnosed with Bipolar. I was hoping we could talk about it. She answered in a harsh tone. “I don’t care!” I know she does not understand how this will impact her life unless she gets the right help.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Richard didn’t go to church today. He said he was sick. I knew he was depressed. I wished I knew what to do to help him feel better.
I am so tired. I wish I could just stay in bed as well and not have to deal with anything. But I have to stay strong so that I can be there for my family.
While we were at church today, I wondered why the Lord has put so many people in my life who were struggling.
I had to teach the lesson in Young Women’s. It was all about the fifth commandment, “Honour thy father and thy mother,” and why it was important to respect your mom and dad. How would it impact your life if you didn’t? I thought whoever wrote this lesson had never dealt with a mom like mine. I wish there had been a paragraph addressing parents like my mom.
In the lesson, it said to close with the song, “I am a child of God.” I have sung this song so many times before. As we were singing it, the words hit me differently. “I am a child of God, with parents kind and dear.” Whoever wrote that song obviously never had a mom like mine, either.
Monday, March 27, 2006
I went for a walk this morning with a friend. She suggested that I write a book on how mental illness affects the family. I told her I write in my journal and that I hoped someday to publish it.
Later in the day, I listened to a song about how Jesus healed the sick and the afflicted. It made me wonder why my prayers weren’t answered.
Laila has been hard to deal with today. She must have known she had pushed me too far because later that day, she asked me if I loved her. It was hard to answer yes, but then I realized that, of course, I loved her, and that she was separate from what she was dealing with.
Just before I went to bed this evening, Sarah told me that she had talked to some of her friends at school about Lithium and that she was not going on it because it turns your brain to mush. She added, “It makes you fat, and it’s only for extremely crazy people! My friends know a whole lot more about these stupid pills than the doctors do.”
Laila had heard what Sarah had said. Laila came running up to me and said, “My brain is not much!” I held Laila in my arms while I spoke to Sarah. “Sarah, it is what has helped Laila.” Sarah turned to Laila and asked, “Did these pills make you shake?!” Laila answered, “Yes, at first, but then it passed.” Sarah shouted, “See, that’s the pill I am talking about!” I left the kitchen with Laila. I didn’t want Laila to stay and listen to what Sarah was saying.
When it was time for bed, I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and went on the computer to check my emails. It was late. Laila saw that I was up she asked why I was not in bed. I asked Laila why she wasn’t asleep.
Laila is supposed to take melatonin to help her fall asleep. When she doesn’t, it affects the way she acts during the day. It had me realize I, too, was irritable when I didn’t get enough sleep. I told Laila to go take her pill, and we would both go to bed.
It occurred to me that Laila must not have been taking her sleeping pill for the past few days. No wonder she had been so hard to deal with during the day.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
I have thought a lot about what Sarah had said about the pills that Laila is on. When I went with Laila to see her doctor, I asked him if there wasn’t something safer he could give her. He said since her pills seem to be working, we shouldn’t mess around with them.
I left feeling frustrated, wishing I knew how to find other resources.
Friday, March 31, 2006
The doctor has given Sarah a different pill since she won’t take Lithium. Sarah doesn’t seem to mind taking this pill. I wish I understood more about pills for Bipolar and their side effects. I don’t fully trust the doctors, but I am desperate for my child to get better. We won’t know for 3-6 weeks if they will work.
Saturday, April 1, 2006
We listened to the talks in General Conference today. One of the talks was about avoiding debt. I thought, “Yeah, that would be nice!”
General Conference is supposed to be uplifting. It’s not the first time it has left me frustrated with my life.
I do my best to be obedient, and I keep waiting for the blessings.
After conference, I got a call from a lady who lives not too far from me. She said she had brought back a box from Jared.
Richard, Laila, Johny, and I went to pick it up. When we got back home, Laila and Johny were dying to see what was in it. When we opened it, I saw a letter from my mom to Jared. I opened the letter to see what she had written him.
In her letter, she wrote, “Your grandpa Johny Lund suffered badly from Persecution Mania. The sad this is-it is inheritable – especially from Father to Daughter.”
It made me so mad to read that my own mother would write something like this to my son. Hopefully, Jared knew that she was the one who was not well.
Then I found another letter where my mom had written, “My visiting teacher came over today and said, ‘You know Mette, grandchildren are your reward for not killing your children, grandparents together with their grandchildren have one common enemy, their grandchildren’s parents.” I don’t understand why she would write him stuff like this!
Then I found a letter from Beth to Jared. Her letter said, “Your mother has to get over her childhood! It’s a shame, for now all we can do is pray for her.” I am surprised she didn’t include that I was decaying and dying from cancer because of my hate. After reading these letters, I was so mad and hurt that they would write this to Jared while he was on his mission.
Beth called later today. I didn’t answer the phone because I had no desire to talk to her.
Sunday, April 2, 2006
I am still hurt and angry about the things my mom and Beth wrote to Jared.
Beth called again today. I still didn’t answer the phone. It makes me so upset to think that she thinks she knows everything and always wants to tell me how I should think and feel. I don’t want to justify myself to her or Kevin anymore!
I have always wanted to fix everything and make it better. I have come to realize that I can’t.
I have no apologies to give Beth, and it upsets me that she won’t stop judging me. I have enough to deal with! I don’t want to have to deal with her and her husband as well. It’s not my fault that they don’t understand how I feel or what I have gone through. I just want peace!
Monday, April 3, 2006
Sarah is still so hard to deal with. It’s nice when she goes to her room and slams the door. Even though I would prefer that she just shut it.
I know she is suffering and can’t help make it better. Thinking back, she must have been having a hard time ever since she was 15 because that’s when her night terrors started.
Sarah told me today that she had been hearing voices but was afraid to tell me because she thought I would think that she was crazy. She wants the voices to stop. That is why she is willing to give the pills her doctor gave her a try.
I hope the pills will work so that I can find the Sarah that is inside her. I feel so alone with everything that I am dealing with. I wish I had someone in my life who understood!
The last time Beth visited, she told me that Sarah was an ass. I asked her not to call her that. Then she said, “That’s exactly what Sarah is! An Ass!” Then she added, “You should discipline your kids! My girls will never turn out like yours!”
For Beth’s sake, I hope they don’t. I don’t think she has any idea of how much she hurt me!
Today, Sarah asked me if I thought she was an ass. I realized Sarah had heard what Beth had said about her. I told Sarah not to listen to what her aunt had said because she did not understand what she was going through.
I feel bad that Sarah overheard what Beth had said. Sarah seems to be in a dark place, and overhearing what her aunt said didn’t help any.
Sarah is trying to push us all away. She doesn’t know how to deal with her emotions, so she screams at us.
Beth called again today. I still didn’t answer the phone. I just couldn’t deal with all the advice that I am sure she was dying to give me.
I don’t need unsolicited advice. I wish I knew where to turn for help dealing with everything going on. I feel so alone.
Leave a Reply