Monday, December 7, 2020
After the way the Bishop had treated me yesterday, it was harder than ever to get up this morning.
I had a dentist appointment with the new dentist. When I got to his office, I told him my situation and asked him if I could pay him in installments. He said I could fill out some papers so that I could get a loan from the bank. I hate loans, but I don’t have a choice since I am desperate to feel better.
The dentist told me the infection had gone into the bone. He then numbed me so that he could remove it. Then he told me that I needed to let it heal before he did anything else to it.
A week before Richard left, he had uncrewed the circular metal part that’s in the tub. I had asked him why. He told me it was because it was broken. It worked just fine, but I figured he knew what he was doing.
Then instead of fixing it, he covered the circle with duct tape. I replaced the silver tape with white, so it would be easier for me to live with.
Ever since he had taken it apart, the faucet dripped. Since I can’t afford a plumber, I would put a towel around it so I couldn’t hear it dripping. It would wake me up a few hours later, because the towel was soaked and the endless torture of dripping would start up again. I would get up and put a dry towel on it so that I could get some sleep. I have been living with it for 11 months now.
Just before I went to bed, I told Laila, I don’t know if I can listen to the dripping faucet one more night without going completely bonkers.
After I had brushed my teeth, Laila came out of my bathroom. She smiled and said, “There, I fixed it!”
Hopefully the diaper will hold until morning before I have to change it again.
Tuesday December 8, 2020
The new lawyer has asked Richards for some documents. Instead of sending the documents he was asked for, he sent pages and pages of nonsense, such as our kids’ report cards from over the years. Pages of manuals on how our washing machine works and so on. There were about 80 pages worth. He ended his email with 12 pictures of his colonoscopy and 7 pages of doctor’s notes.
Since there were so many pages, the lawyer asked me to go through them to see if there was anything he had asked for.
In the email to the lawyer, there wasn’t one thing that he had been asked for.
I don’t understand how he can get away with being so arrogant. I find it ironic that his lawyer had said in court that I am the one who makes a mockery of the court’s time. When in reality, it’s Richard. I hope my lawyer will address it.
Wednesday, December 9, 2020
People are still dropping off items for me to sell.
Little Miss Muffin, as Laila and I call her, is always wanting to help me. No wonder it takes me so long to get everything done. But I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Thursday, December 10, 2020
I went to my therapy appointment. I told Trisha what my Bishop had said about getting over it. I wanted to understand why I couldn’t. She said it’s a neurological injury. It occurs because of years of abuse. People who have had a parent or parents who care about them will never understand, no matter how hard you try to explain it to them.
She said what made your condition worse was how Richard treated you over the years.
I told her it was hard for me to go to church because of how my Bishop was treating me. She said it’s understandable; you’ve been abandoned by so many people in your life who should have been there for you.
She suggested that I take a break from church since I was being further traumatized. I told her I had a calling where I teach primary every week, and I feel obligated to the children.
She seemed amazed that I had not completely lost it, given everything I was going through.
Trisha is not a member of the church. I don’t know what she believes. I am grateful she is not telling me to leave the church. But she does think it’s best for me to learn how to speak up when I feel intimidated.
Friday, December 11, 2020
I worried about whether my car was safe for Laila and me to drive, since I was sure Richard had messed with it. Kevin told me to bring it out so he could take it to his mechanic and have a look at it.
Laila and I are still dealing with bedbugs. Right when we think they are gone, they come back no matter how much we try to kill them. I went online to see what more we could do. It said to use an ozone machine. I had one. I couldn’t believe I never thought of it sooner!
Laila and I sealed up the house and turned on the machine. Then we headed out to my sisters’, where we will be spending the night.
Saturday, December 12, 2020
Kevin brought my car to his mechanic first thing in the morning. A few hours later, Kevin got a call confirming that my car had been messed with. I could pick my car up on Monday.
Sunday, December 13, 2020
I called and made sure someone could teach my primary lesson since I was unable to be there. Then I went to church with my sister and her family.
While I was in church, I got a text from the ward clerk saying my Bishop wanted to meet me after church. I was so relieved to be able to message back that I wasn’t able to meet with him since I was out of town.
I have been praying that the Bishop would soften his heart towards me. Part of me wondered if my prayer had been answered, but part of me also strongly doubted it.
Monday December 14, 2020
I went with Kevin to pick up my car. The mechanic said he had to drain the radiator since it was full of water. He also did a few other things to my car, so it was safe to drive. Kevin paid for everything.
The lawyer called me and said Richard should start paying utilities and the internet! He said instead of giving the Bishop the bills, I am to send them to Richard. If he doesn’t pay them, it will look bad for him next time we go to court.
He said it didn’t matter if Laila worked. Richard had Sarah live with him, and she worked, so it was a wash.
Later in the day, I got an email from Richard asking for the Xfinity code. My lawyer must have done something to get him to turn the internet back on.
Wednesday, December 16, 2020
Laila started a new job as a Vet Technician. today. It’s something that she has always wanted to do. She works the night shift, so I watch Lily while she is gone.
Thursday, December 17, 2020
Got an email from Richard asking me to drop my lawyer and promising he would drop his. He claimed he had paid his lawyer 16 thousand so far, money he would have given me if I had not fought him. I needed to trust him and that it was best for me to get rid of my lawyer.
I would be pretty gullible if I believed that, but I do have my limits. So I ignored his email.
Friday, December 18, 2020
A neighbor told me about New Life Church. They give food to people in need, so I went there.
The man I talked to asked me how many people were in my household. I started to explain to him that my daughter had started a job, but she wouldn’t get paid for another two weeks. He gave me a friendly smile and said, “You don’t need to explain. I just want to know how many people are in your household so that I know how much food to give you.”
I was so grateful. It was so different from the way my Bishop had treated me. He didn’t even ask me to do service or how I would pay it back. Instead, he looked at my clothes and asked, “Are you or anyone in your household in need of clothes?” I thanked him and told him we were fine.
After he handed me a box of food, he told me not to hesitate to come back if I needed more. Then he asked me if there was anything else he could do for me. I said, “My prayers don’t seem to be working, so if you wouldn’t mind praying for me.” He said, “That’s no problem. Is there anything specific you would like me to pray about?” I said, “For strength to endure what I am going through.” He asked if we could pray together. Then we both closed our eyes and folded our arms while he said the sweetest prayer.
As I drove back home, I couldn’t stop thinking about how different I had been treated. I felt this was the pure Love of Christ. Something that I had expected from my Bishop. A Bishop who was supposed to be led by God.
Saturday, December 19, 2020
Jess had called me yesterday to tell me how he was doing. I told him I would come see him first thing this morning and take him to the store since he didn’t have a way to get there.
I met Jess for the first time. He was the sweetest person. When I got to the house where he was staying, he asked if we could drive to WinCo so he could buy some food. After we had been to WinCo, he asked if we could also go to Costco. I told him that I didn’t mind and that I was happy to help him.
While we were together, Jess told me he couldn’t believe how nice I turned out to be since Richard had him believe that I was a mean, awful, crazy person.
Jess went on Richard’s Facebook page. He showed me a picture that Richard had posted on September 23, 2020.
He said I was with Richard when he took this picture.
We drove to your house and sat in front while Richard told me that he was going to get rid of you and he and I were going to live in the house together.
Then he said, “I want to warn you. Richard wants to hurt you. At the time I thought you deserved it, but now that I have met you in person, I want to warn you because I am worried about you.” I thanked him for his concern and told him that the life insurance had been removed. Jess was still worried because of how Richard had talked about me.
Jess seemed confused as to why Richard had said mean things about me. He also seemed confused about why he never gave him a bike, as he had promised.
I told Jess that since he didn’t have a bike, I was happy to help him get to the store and get Groceries.
After I dropped Jess off, I hurried home because Kevin and Beth were coming to my place.
My living room, part of my garage, and pretty much the whole house are filled with items that have been donated to me. I want to get everything organized so that I can function. It’s been so overwhelming, so Beth and Kevin offered to come out and help me with it.
While Beth and I organized the house, Kevin looked over the latest bill that I had gotten from the last lawyer. He noticed that I was billed twice when I went to court. It appeared I was charged double since Gretch had listened in.
I was so grateful Kevin had noticed! Kevin then helped me write an email to the lawyer, telling him to remove the double charge because I had asked to have Gretch removed from my case and had not approved her listening in.
While Kevin was here, he also helped me fix my thermostat. Richard had set it up on his phone so he could control the house’s temperature.
Since Laila and I had not been able to disconnect it, he was still either making it unbarbly hot or freezing cold. It had been a constant battle for Laila and me to keep resetting the thermostat. It was worst at night trying to keep Lily from being either too hot or too cold.
When Kevin was done with disconnecting Richard from the thermostat, he said, “Now that you have internet, I can look at your computer to make sure it’s working as it should.” While he cleaned up the computer for me, he noticed that Richard had done something to it so he could see whatever I did when I went on the computer. Then Kevin removed Richard’s access to it.
Beth and I were able to get everything organized so that I can still live in the chaos. I was so grateful to both Kevin and Beth for everything they had done for me!
After they left, Jerica came over with her mom. Jerica handed me an envelope and said, I hope this helps with what you are going through. The envelope had money and gift cards valued at $50.00 each.
The money was to help pay for the lawyer, and the gift cards were for Cold Stone, pizza restaurants, and all kinds of other places. I couldn’t believe it! It had been at least a year since Laila and I had gone to any of those places, and who knows when we would be able to afford it.
Jerica is a single mom, and I know that neither she nor her mom are wealthy. For them to give us money and all those gift cards was a sacrifice. I don’t think Jerica or her mom will ever know how much that meant to me!
Sunday, December 20, 2020
Despite the way I had been treated by my Bishop, I went to church.
I came right when the sacrament meeting started, so that the Bishop wouldn’t have a chance to talk to me. Then I hurried to primary and taught the lesson.
The last meeting was Relief Society. The lesson was all about “Be more, Do more.” I shut down. As I was sitting there, the song from the movie The Greatest Showman came to mind.
(Chorus)
Never enough
Never, never
Never, never
Never enough
Never never
Never enough
I recited the chorus in my mind, trying to cope with the lesson.
Just then, the ward clerk sent me a text saying the Bishop wanted to meet with me next Sunday at 4:00 pm.
For a split second, I thought maybe, just maybe, the Bishop had been inspired on how to help me. But after what happened last Sunday, I couldn’t take a chance. So I messaged him back saying I wouldn’t be available.
Monday, Dec 21, 2020
This evening, while Laila was at work, I posted things online.
I am often tempted to keep stuff when I see how much fun Ms. Muffin has with it.
But the lawyer needs to be paid, so I let her have fun with it for a little bit.
Wednesday December 23, 2020
I got a text from the Elders Quorum President asking if I was home because he needed to talk to me.
When he came, he had a notebook in hand along with a pen ready to write. I thought, “Oh, good! The Bishop does understand I have things that are broken, and therefore he has sent the Elders Quorum President over to make a list of them. So I let him in. The first thing he did was to hand me a pamphlet about self-reliance.
Then he said, the Bishop has sent me over to ask you come questions. He wanted to know how much money I was spending a month on clothes. I thought, What does the Bishop care? He wasn’t paying my bills. I should have kicked him out right then and there.
But since the Bishop is over me, and has the Priesthood, I better comply.
I told him that I had not bought a single item since my husband had left almost a year ago. I showed him my pants had holes in the knees from being worn out. I also showed him my shoes. I had bought them at the thrift store before Richard had even left. It was obvious they had seen better days.
Then he asked what I was doing to become self-reliant, and what I could do to cut down my spending. I felt so insulted. Again, I should have told him to leave. Instead I told him that the moment my husband left, I had cut down everything I could possibly think of. He was sure I could think of something else to cut down my expenses even more.
I was getting irritated. I told him I could kill my last two chickens, who were not laying eggs. He thought that it was a good idea. Then I told him I was being sarcastic. From the very beginning, I had already asked my then Bishop if he thought it was something I should do. He had let me know that I had suffered enough loss, and told me it was okay that I kept them.
He asked me if I had Dish Network, Disney, Netflix, or things like that, because that was one way I could save money. By now I wanted to slap him.
Then he told me to fast and pay a generous fast offering. As he was saying this, I thought, it’s the fast offering to help people like me who were in need? He said, “You need to do that so you can be blessed.”
Right when I thought the conversation couldn’t possibly get any worse, he asked, What have you thought about in order to get a better job since all you have ever done is babysit your whole life. It sounded like I had done something demeaning.
I told him I had been busy raising our children and tending to other people’s children to pay for credit cards since my husband was always maxing them to the limit.
He asked if I had thought about going to school since all I had was my high school diploma.
I had already gone over all this with the Bishop. Even though I had already talked to him about it, he still wanted his Elders Quorum President to go over it with me. I was excused; I thought I would try to explain to him just like I had the Bishop, thinking that he would have compassion and understand.
I said, I’ll be 60 this year. Before I could say anything else, he said, You need to go back to school so that you don’t rely on the church to pay your bills. I tried to explain to him that the help I had received was temporary, and that once I was divorced I would be getting alimony.
He asked when I thought that would happen since I needed to start paying tithing again. I also needed to start paying on the things that I had sold so that I could get my Temple recommend restored. Then he asked if I was receiving money from anywhere else.
I told him a few days ago I got approved for $200 in food stamps a month from the government. It was for food and gas. He said I needed to pay tithing on it.
I got it on a card, and I could only use it at the store for food and gas. He told me I was to figure out how to pay tithing from it. I was to pray and fast about it, and to remember to pay a generous fast offering. I thought he was done and hoped he would leave.
I was wrong. Instead, he continued to interrogate me.
He asked me what I had planned to do for service for the help that I had received from the church. I told him my house and my life had been turned upside down.
It didn’t matter. I was to pray for inspiration for what I could do to serve and give back.
Then he said I could start indexing. I could just imagine myself sitting in the middle of the mess I was in, indexing, while the lawyer still needed to get paid.
He said he would be back in two weeks to go over what I had come up with. I thought, can you not see I am doing all I can just to survive what’s happened to me?!
After he left, I broke down crying. The church had always been the most important thing in my life. Therefore, I had paid a full tithing along with fast offerings since I was 17. I had served in every calling I had been called to. I felt no matter how much I gave, it never seemed like it was enough.
Minutes after he had gone, the Relief Society President came over. She wanted to give Lily some clothes that her daughter had outgrown. As she handed me the bag, she looked at me and asked, “Are you doing okay?” I told her what had happened. She felt bad and told me to hang in there because he was only doing his calling. I told her I knew that, but both he and the Bishop were clueless about what I was going through, and I didn’t know how much more I could handle.
Later, the R.S. President talked to the Bishop and told him not to send the Elders Quorum President back to my house.
Friday, December 25, 2020
I wanted to skip Christmas this year. Ever since I was 10 years old, I’ve either made or bought Christmas presents. This year is the first time I haven’t had the time to make something or the money to buy even a single gift.
I didn’t even want to put up the tree or decorate the house.
Jared and his family were coming over for Christmas. I have so much to be grateful for, so that’s what’s kept me going.
Because so much stuff was donated, I was able to wrap and give presents to my grankids. As I was wrapping the presents, my heart was full.
I can’t believe how many people have dropped something at my door, and how much love and compassion Laila, Lily, and I have received.
Here I wanted to skip Christmas. Now I am excited for Christmas morning. While Jared and his family came over to celebrate Christmas, Johny and his wife FaceTimed us. They have been in Scotland since August because Johny is going to school there.
It sounds like it’s been hard for them to be away from family because they have been locked in their apartment due to COVID. It was so good to talk to them!
Sunday, December 27, 2020
I skipped church. I just couldn’t get myself to go because of the way I am being treated. I hoped the Lord understands.
Thursday, December 31, 2020
I reflected on the year that’s come and gone. When I received my inheritance 12 years ago, we were struggling to get by.
I had been struggling my whole life and felt the inheritance helped me feel secure so that I would never have to struggle again.
I could never have imagined that it would be taken away from me the way it had.
I never imagined that in this stage of my life, I would be struggling harder than I ever had before.
As I reflected on this year, I’ve lost family members and friends because they have been deceived. But I have also gained stronger relationships with other family and friends who were able to see through what happened. Without them, I would not have been able to survive!
I know we all have trials and tribulations. I know there are things we all have to go through in order to learn and grow.
I have reached my limit. I am worn, and I’m tired! I would like to be able to rest without worrying about how I am to get by. I’d like to wake up and be excited for the days ahead.
I have tried to do what’s right, believing I would get blessed. Life hasn’t turned out the way I thought it should.
God is ultimately in charge, so I will keep on relying on Him and hope that the next year will be better.
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