Monday, April 24, 2006
Sarah will be 18 next month. She has already packed her stuff and wants to move out right away. I told her she would have to wait until she was 18, since we were still responsible for her until then.
I feel like I am watching her run into a burning building. I have tried to hold her back while she is kicking and screaming to go into the building. It is the worst feeling in the world! I can’t stop what is happening. I never imagined I would be going through something like this as a mom.
Friday, May 5, 2006
Richard told me his boss needed someone to answer the phones today. I gave Laila and Johny a list of things to do while I went with Richard to work.
Saturday, May 6, 2006
Sarah called me at 10:30 pm and said she wanted to stay out later. I told her to come home since she had to work the next day.
At 11:00 pm, Sarah called to tell me she was on her way home. I waited up for her. At 4:00 am, she was still not home. I had no way of calling her. I worried about her and hoped she was okay.
Sunday, May 7, 2006
Sarah came home at 7:00 am to get ready for work. Richard opened the door for her. The first thing she said was, “Are you going to be a jerk about it?!” Richard didn’t say anything and went back to bed.
I asked Sarah why she hadn’t called to let me know she wasn’t coming home after all. I told her I had been worried sick about her. Sarah responded, “That’s your problem!”
I said to her, “You know how we have talked about waiting for you to move out till you turn 18? There are only two more days, and it seems you can’t wait, so you are welcome to move out today.”
Sarah got excited! I told her she had to take her cat with her since I was so allergic to it, but Jake was welcome to stay.
Later in the evening, when Richard, Laila, Johnny, and I were reading scriptures. Richard asked Sarah if she would like to join us. Sarah said, “No.” Then Sarah went and got her boxes and put them in a rusty old van that she had bought.
When she was done moving all her boxes, she said, “Bye, Jake, I love you.” I asked Sarah if she was going to say bye to us, then she said, “Bye, love you.” And shut the door.
I don’t know where she has moved to.
As Sarah drove off, Laila and I stood by the window and watched her drive away. Laila and I held each other and cried.
I then went downstairs to take a look at her room. I couldn’t believe the mess she had left behind.
Monday, May 8, 2006
It’s Sarah’s birthday is tomorrow. I don’t want to cry over her anymore, but I can’t help it.
Richard, Laila, and Johny tell me I should be glad that she is gone since we don’t have to listen to her screaming and yelling. I am glad there is no more yelling and screaming, but she is still my child, and I feel like I have failed her.
Laila, Johny, and I went to clean her room today. It was so gross. Richard wants to get new carpet for the bedroom since it reeks of cat pee. I told him I was going to shampoo it and do what I could to get the smell out. It’s like he doesn’t comprehend that a new carpet is not one of our priorities.
Tuesday, May 9, 2006
It’s Sarah’s 18th birthday today.
Johny asked me if I would go on a walk with him and Jake. While we were walking, Sarah came driving around the corner. She saw us, but she never stopped to say hi, not even to her dog. She drove past us as if she had not seen us.
When we got home, Vicki from our ward stopped by with a plant that had a sign reading “Happy Birthday!” and “Welcome to Relief Society!”
When I opened the door and saw it, I started to cry. Vicki asked, “Is right now not a good time to stop by?” I invited her in and told her what had happened, and that Sarah had moved out.
When it was time for bed, I went to check to see if Laila and Johny were asleep. Laila was crying. I asked her what was wrong. She said she missed Sarah and wished things could have been different. I told her I did too.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Sarah stopped by to say hi to her dog and to ask for money. I gave her the $3.00 I had in my wallet. She wanted more, but I let her know this was all I had.
I could see that she had a new piercing. I asked her how much it cost. She said it was $50.00. It was a birthday present from her friend, and it was the only present that she had gotten. I felt bad that I hadn’t gotten her anything. I didn’t quite know how to respond, and an apology wouldn’t have been enough.
Then she asked me if I had any shampoo that she could have. I had just bought a new bottle. I told her she could have it. Sarah said she would pay me back. I told her to think of it as her birthday present. Then she left.
Friday, May 12, 2006
I don’t want to cry anymore. It gives me such a headache! I still have Laila and Johny to take care of. One minute I think I am fine, the next I am crying again.
When it was time for bed, I couldn’t fall asleep. I went to see if Laila and Johny were asleep. They were just about to doze off. I gave them both a kiss goodnight and went upstairs.
As I passed Sarah’s room, it seemed so empty, and it made me cry again. I miss my little Sarah. The happy, fun Sarah that I used to know.
When she was born, I was so happy she was a girl. I was going to give her the love and understanding that I never had growing up. It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way!
Sunday, May 13, 2006
The youth in our ward who are graduating this year all gave a talk since it’s Mother’s Day. Since Sarah was to have been one of the speakers, it was hard to sit through.
After church, Jared got to call home since it’s Mother’s Day. It was good to hear his voice! He told me that his release date is September 5, 2006. I hope these next few months will go by fast!
Later, when I was sitting outside on the grass with Laila and Johnny, I wondered whether Sarah would stop by. When I went back inside, I saw that she had left a message on the answering machine asking if it was okay to stop by. I immediately called her back to let her know she was welcome to stop by.
Sarah came a few minutes later. She told me that her cat had been run over and was killed. I held her as she cried. I told her I would go with her and bury it. She said she didn’t want to deal with it, so she was going to leave it on the side of the road. She told me she was sorry she hadn’t gotten me anything for Mother’s Day. I told her it was okay.
Then Sarah told me that her van takes $50 to fill up. She didn’t have any money to put gas in it. She asked if she could borrow $20. I told her I only had $9.00 and that she could have it. Then she said she was going to the bank to see if she could get a $500 loan.
I wanted to ask her if she couldn’t make it from paycheck to paycheck, how was she going to pay back the loan? But I kept my mouth shut.
I told Sarah that I noticed that she had left her pills behind. I asked her if she wanted them. She said that she liked the extreme ups, but not the downs, and that she didn’t want to go back on the pills. I was sad that she still had to deal with the downs. It’s her life, and I have to let go. It’s easier said than done.
Sarah helped me empty the dishwasher. I told her she didn’t have to, but she said it was okay. It was as if she didn’t want to leave. Then, at 9:30 pm, it was time to read scriptures as usual. I told Sarah she was welcome to stay for it. She smiled and said, “No, that’s okay, I have to go.” Then she left.
I had given her dog Jake a bone. I noticed that he had hidden it behind the basket where we keep our family scriptures. When it’s time for us to get our scriptures, he gets his bone. Then he chews on it while we take turns reading. When we are done reading and put our scriptures back, he puts his bone back behind the basket. He is one smart dog.
At first, Jake had a hard time after Sarah left. I have him sleep in his dog bed on the floor next to me at night. Now that Sarah has left, he follows me everywhere. I wonder if he is afraid he will lose me, as well.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
I am trying to be at peace with Sarah being gone. I have gone over and over it, and I don’t think there was anything I could have done differently. I haven’t heard from her since Mother’s Day. I hope she is okay.
Leave a Reply