Chapter 185 Doubt your Doubts

Friday, January 1, 2021

Saturday, January 2, 2021

A while back, Sander’s daughter Tiffany found me on Facebook. I’ve never met any of his daughters. I’ve often thought about my nieces, so I’m glad she found me!

Everyone in my family has either blue or brown eyes. I have always felt like the odd man out since I was the only one with green eyes, until my granddaughter was born.

After talking to her, I was excited to learn that she, too, had always felt the same way because of her green eyes. We had a lot in common, and I felt an instant bond with her.

I got a message today from her saying her dad found out that we were friends on Facebook. He was upset about it and told her not to have any contact with me. After receiving her message, I called her. We talked for quite a while.

It was so good to talk to her! Sander wanted her to have nothing to do with me, but instead it ended up bringing us closer. When my divorce is over, I hope to go to Canada and meet her and her sisters in person.

Sunday, January 3, 2021

I called someone in the ward to substitute for me in the primary. I want to ask the Bishop to release me from my calling, but then I can just imagine how he will react, and I don’t want to deal with him.

Every time I logged into my ward directory to get a phone number, it showed my spouse’s name. I have asked the ward clerk to remove it. He told me he had and that only I could see this information. I said, since we are going through a divorce, could you please remove it? He told me he did not have that kind of authority. If I wanted it removed, I would have to send a letter to the church office, and then the general authority would have to approve it.

I went online to look into it. It looked like the general authority hardly ever approved it, since it’s believed it’s important that a person is sealed to someone, even if that person is no longer their spouse.

None of it made sense to me. I didn’t think it should be up to these men. I don’t understand why I have to be tormented with seeing him as my spouse every time I log into my account.

Monday, January 4, 2021

In the morning, I went for a walk with the R.S. President. I mentioned to her that I have been needing some new garments.

When my mom was alive, she would give me her old garments and then buy herself some new ones. Since she has passed away, my garments have become so thin with holes. I told her that since I didn’t have a Temple recommend, I couldn’t buy new ones.

Wednesday, January 6, 2021

The R.S. President brought me some garments. They were brand new, still in the packages. She said her mom had bought them, but never used them since she liked a different kind that had come out. She couldn’t return them since they no longer sold them. They were just my size.

I thanked her for them and was so grateful. I then went and got all my old ones and cut them up like you are supposed to before you discard them.

That night, as I went to sleep, I felt bad about wearing the garment. I had obtained the new ones without a Temple recommend. I couldn’t put my old ones on since I had already cut them up. I was afraid to take them off since I was sure something bad was going to happen to me. Either way, I felt in limbo since I was told I could no longer receive the blessings of the Temple.

January 12, 2021

My lawyer tried to get mediation for the first week of January. But Richard and his lawyer didn’t want to agree to it. Richard’s lawyer claimed they had already been patient with me and that Richard had suffered enough because of the lies I have told about him. They needed time to prove that I was dishonest.

Then I got an email from Richard saying he wanted me to drop my lawyer since he never intended to divorce me in the first place, and assured me that I could trust him. It was so bizarre to me.

I forwarded the email to my lawyer. He told me not to respond to it.

Friday, January 15, 2021

I went to see Trisha. She could tell I was not doing well. She asked me to tell her everything that had happened that had led up to me feeling so lost and hopeless.

I didn’t know if I would ever be able to get my Temple recommend back or pay the church back for the help I had received.

She asked me if Richard had been excommunicated. I told her no and that he was posting pictures of himself still going to church.

She helped me understand that I was a victim of what had happened to me. I didn’t cause it. There was no difference between me and a rape victim. A person who has been raped and then asked to get up on the stand and then being asked what she had done to cause the rape and what she was going to do about it. Then not holding the rapist accountable for what he had done. Only adding more trauma to the victim who had been raped due to no fault of her own.

I asked her why I felt I could never go to church again. She told me it was understandable because I didn’t feel safe or protected.

After what the Bishop and the Elders Quorum President had put me through, she was amazed I was still able to get up in the morning. She was impressed that I had not given up and that I was still capable of raising the money I needed so that I could keep paying for a lawyer.

She told me, in order for me not to have a complete breakdown, I should take care of myself and do what I could to heal. It was best for me to take a break from places and people who didn’t have my best well-being at heart.

I told her I didn’t want to cry anymore over what’s happened to me. I was tired of feeling so hurt. She helped me understand that 36 years is a long time to have to recover from. In spite of the mind games, he was my life.

I told her I couldn’t understand how everything could have happened right before my eyes and how I could not see it.

She said deep down inside you did, but couldn’t accept it. It would mean everything you had sacrificed for was over. You created a fantasy world of what you thought your life was and should be. She told me to give myself grace because it’s understandable that I am devastated over all the deceit that I’ve discovered and who he turned out to be.

I had to focus on what was real and the fantasy world that I had created. A world that I had hoped and longed for. I was to give myself grace because he was good at messing with my mind, bringing me chocolate and candy, making me think he truly loved me and had me believing that he was working overtime. He had me believe that when he was downstairs, it was for work and not what I feared he was really doing.

I had been in love with a fantasy from the start. A fantasy I had created in my mind before I even came to America of what my life was going to be like when I married a returned missionary.

I was so grateful for everything Trisha said to me. It’s made a huge difference!

Saturday, January 16, 2021

Sunday, January 17, 2021

When I got up, I thought, “It’s Sunday; I should be getting ready to go to church.” Part of me felt guilty for not going since I have always been taught that’s where I need to go on Sunday. Then logic kicks in and says you can’t risk it. You need to start healing from everything that’s happened to you!

Monday, January 18, 2021

Jess has invited me to eat at IHOP. We had a really nice time together.

He still can’t get over that he isn’t getting a bike like he had been promised. I felt so bad for him. He was still worried about my safety. I assured him that I keep my doors locked and I have neighbors who look out for me.

When I brought him back home, he invited me in to see where he was living. Then he showed me a pair of pants and asked if I knew how to fix them. I told him that I did and that I would bring them back to him next time I came to see him.

Wednesday, January 20, 2021

I wrote the Stake President a long letter telling him everything that the Bishop had put me through. I told him I needed to get released from my calling since I needed to heal. I didn’t need a self-reliance class since my case was so different.

I ended my letter with I don’t know if I want to have my name removed. But I do know I need to take a break from the church. I am going to focus on getting through this. I don’t want to feel like such a welfare case because of what’s happened to me. I don’t need guilt over not doing enough. I am going to focus on getting through this. Until then, I have nothing more to give. Hopefully, when it’s all over, I will be able to return to church and still want to be a member. I can’t think about that right now. I will cross that bridge when I get there.

Then I signed the letter, went to where he works, and asked the lady at the front desk to give it to him.

I wish I had added, “The Bishop can’t expect Laila to pay all my bills because she is a single mom and her teeth need to be looked at. Her car light is duct-taped together. Her car needs to go to the shop since it’s not working as it should. So many things we have neglected. You have told me it was okay to ask for help because you knew I wasn’t going to use and abuse it.”

Adding that to my letter probably wouldn’t have made any difference anyway.

After I handed it to her, I honestly thought the Stake President would get back to me right away and make sure I continued to get the help I so desperately needed.

I believed once that happened I could start coming to church again, my testimony of the church would be restored, and everything would go back to the way it was supposed to be.

I know my Stake President had a family, a job, and does not have time to deal with every crisis immediately, but I did expect at least a text saying, “Hang in there; I’ll set up an appointment.” Something, anything! But I never heard a word. Not a call, not a text. Nothing.

She put her little hand on my face and wiped my tears away while she hummed. She ended up falling asleep in my arms. I don’t know what I would do without her.

Tuesday, January 26, 2021

When I lived in my last ward, there was a man who had gotten divorced last year. He happened to move 12 minutes away from where I live. He recently discovered that I was going through a divorce.

He sent me a message asking if he could come see me. When he came over, he told me that he had a calling in the singles ward and asked me if I would help him with it. I told him I was doing all I could to keep my head above water.

The pipe had gotten loose, so he fixed it for me. The nozzle still didn’t work. He took it home so that he could take it apart to see why it wasn’t working.

Wednesday, January 27, 2021

He asked if I had anything else that needed to be fixed. Man, did I ever!

Over the next few weeks, he helped me fix the broken kitchen faucet that was leaking all over the counter. I had kept a towel around it to keep it from dripping onto the floor. He also fixed a few other things.

He wanted to go on dates with me. He even suggested that when we got married, we could have a prenup. Then I would feel secure knowing I wasn’t going to lose my house in case we got divorced. Since the feelings weren’t mutual, he stopped coming over.

I don’t blame him, but boy was I grateful for the help that he had given me during the time he tried to court me.

Wednesday, January 27, 2021

I got an email with 9 pages of questions that I have to fill out about the preschool. I was asked why I had not complied with giving Richard half the money he claimed I had earned. It also asked for all the parents’ names, phone numbers, and addresses from 2018 and on.

I have to write a statement explaining why I never gave Richard the money from preschool, since he left. I felt like Moses being asked to make bricks without straw.

I emailed my lawyer saying I didn’t know how to answer all those questions his lawyer had asked.

My lawyer called me and helped me fill it out. He said we could skip a lot of the questions since it wasn’t me who had taught preschool.

I had emailed him the text messages from 2018 between Laila and Richard discussing that Laila was talking over preschool and saying Richard had not gotten around to putting her name on the business because he claimed it was too complicated.

These texts had not been entered by my first lawyer when we went to court. My lawyer assured me that he would use them so that I wouldn’t have to deal with all the questions.


I have to stop selling things, or else Richard will claim I don’t need alimony. Now I have to store them in a box and take everything I have advertised off Facebook, Marketplace, and KSL.

Richard emailed me, saying the reason I lost every time we went to court was that the judge could see right through all my lies.

I wonder if he was starting to believe his own lies. I’m sure he was also trying to bully me. I can’t wait for the divorce to be over!

Thursday, January 28, 2021

I called the soft water company. The man I talked to asked me why it hadn’t been working for a whole year. I told him I just needed to know the name of the tank so I could Google how to fix it. Then he asked why I didn’t know anything about a tank that had been in my house for 25 years.

After hearing my situation, he said, I didn’t need to Google it. Normally he didn’t give out free advice, but in my case he didn’t mind. He then walked me through it while he was on the phone.

It amazes me how many kind people there are in the world!

Friday, January 29, 2021

I have been sending all the utility bills to Richard like I had been asked. He has not taken care of them, and now I am getting late fees. I let my lawyer know that I am worried everything is going to be shut off. He emailed me back that he would make sure Richard would take care of it.

It’s so frustrating because now I have to pay for the emails back and forth to my lawyer.

Later, I got a notification that my bank account was locked because someone had been trying to hack into it. I had to go to the bank to have it unlocked so that I could use my debit card again. They told me to make sure I had a strong password on it.

Saturday, January 30, 2021

When I went to get the mail, there were medical bills my first Bishop said he would take care of. Since he was getting released, I’m sure he thought the new Bishop would take care of them.

I thought the new Bishop must have sent them back to the doctor since he doesn’t think it’s the church’s responsibility, and now I am getting the bills with late fees.

Beth went with me to Arnie’s house to help him clean out some of our mom’s stuff that he didn’t want anymore. There was a lot of junk to go through since neither he nor my mom liked to throw anything away.

It was impossible to get through it all in one day, so we told him we would come again another day. As we were about to leave, Arnie handed me a box. He said, “There might be something in there you can sell.”

Years ago, when I was 20, I had tried to talk my mom into leaving this ugly monkey porcelain figurine behind since it was heavy and it would cost a lot to ship. She insisted that we bring it because it was Royal Danish Porcelain and was sure it would be worth a fortune someday. I was irritated, but packed it up for her anyway.

In all the years that we had lived in America, she had never put it on display. It was still as creepy and ugly as I remembered it.

I Googled to see what I might be able to sell it for. It looked like it was going for over $100.00. I called Beth up and told her I would give her half of whatever I could get for it. Since I was so excited about it, I didn’t pay attention to what I was doing, so I ended up dropping it. That was the end of the figurine.

Part of me was glad, thinking no other child would have to be terrified by it the way I had when I was younger.

Sunday, January 31, 2021

Two men from the stake came to see me this afternoon. One of them was my Bishop from a long time ago, so he knew me. He was the one who had let me have food and not pay it back because he knew how much I had served over the years. He said he was worried about me since I wasn’t going to church and asked me how I was doing. I told him like it was.

He asked me to read my patriarchal blessing. I told him I would rather burn it. Both men looked shocked. I told them if it wasn’t for the patriarchal blessing, I would never have left my homeland and sacrificed as much as I had all these years. Nothing in it was true. It also said I was to do genealogy with my mom. To make it come true, I went to see her so we could work on it together. It was the most dysfunctional thing I had ever experienced! So I never attempted it again.

They started to interpret what my blessing had said. One of them said the blessing was for the next life. I told him if I wanted to know what would happen in the next life, I would have waited till then to get it.

The man who had known me for years said, you have always had such a strong testimony! You needed to start coming to church again because the devil was winning. I told him I needed to heal before I could go back again.

I was packing things up so that I could post them for sale again once the divorce was over. I was also doing what I could to fix things in the house that had been neglected. It was more than I could handle right now.

After they left, again I thought I would start receiving help since it was obvious I was in no position to get through this on my own.

Again I was wrong. Yet I still believed that the church was true and that somehow once I got back on my feet it would all come together and make sense.

Wednesday, February 3, 2021

My Bishop from a long time ago came to the door. He said, after talking to you on Sunday, I went through my storage to see what I could get rid of. His truck was full of stuff. He asked me if I wanted it. I told him I would love to have it. After he had put everything in my garage, he said he felt bad that there wasn’t more that he could do for me and left.

There was a lot of expensive camping gear, among other things. There was also a bike. It was a nice one! I couldn’t wait to give it to Jess!

I was so excited about the bike, so I messaged his mom and sent a picture of it. I told her I would bring it to him on Friday.

She messaged back and asked me if I was sure I wanted to give it to him. I told her it was meant for him.

I felt even though the church had abandoned me, Heavenly Father was still there for me.

Friday, February 5, 2021

I get a message from Jess’s mom saying that Richard is super angry because Jess is having contact with his family. He is threatening to send his attorney after Jess.

Then she copied the messages that had been sent between Richard and her husband.

After reading the messages, I told her to call me. We talked for a while.

It’s hard for me to believe I was married to such an evil person.

When I got off the phone, I drove to Jess’s place to give him the bike and his pants that I had mended for him. When I got the bike out of my trunk and told him it was for him, he looked so happy and seemed confused.

He asked if it was the bike that Richard had promised him. I told him it wasn’t. It was from Heavenly Father because he loved him and knew he needed a bike. That only made him more confused.

I told him it had been donated to me. Instead of selling it, I wanted him to have it. He was so excited about it.

Then Jess told me he was scared of what Richard would do to him if he kept in contact with me. I told him not to worry about it, because there was nothing he could do about us having contact with each other. I did my best to help him understand that nothing bad was going to happen to him.

Saturday, February 6, 2021

I’m glad Beth and I can laugh. It gives me a break from the monotony of life.

Sunday, February 7, 2021

I got a note from the R.S. President letting me know they cared about me and missed me coming to church. I felt bad for not going, but I hoped she understood that I needed to heal.

Monday, February 8, 2021

I had a tool I didn’t quite know how to put together. I wanted to ask my current Home teacher, but then I thought of the words the Bishop had said, “You are not to be a burden to the church, or its members!”

I posted a picture of the tool on my neighborhood Facebook page. I asked if anyone knew how to put it together. If they’d mind helping me with it.

Immediately, a man named Justen who lived up the street from me came over. I apologized to him for needing help. I told him I would have asked my Home teacher, but I have been told not to be a burden to the church or its members.

Justen looked at me and said, “Don’t ask them; they don’t have time. They are too busy with meetings about who needs help in the ward.” It made us both laugh.

When Justen had helped me with the tool, he gave me his phone number. He said, “Don’t ever hesitate to text or call me next time you need help with anything.”

After that, Justen has always been there for me! If he hasn’t heard from me in a while, he sends me a message asking me how I am doing.

Wednesday, February 17, 2021

I quickly went outside to help them. It was a huge job, but with their help I was able to get it done.

Thursday, February 18, 2021

I went to see the dentist today. He told me my mouth had finally healed. I could see a specialist to have my upper jaw bone restored, but it would be costly. Money I didn’t have. Or he could put a bridge in my mouth. Meaning he would have to take two healthy teeth and grind them down to put a cap on them. However, I would still have an indent in my gums, but it shouldn’t be too noticeable.

I was desperate not to feel so self-conscious from the missing tooth, so I agreed to the bridge. It would cost over $7 thousand to have all the work done that I needed, so I signed for a loan. Hopefully I will be able to pay it back within a year; otherwise I will have to pay interest on it.

Saturday, February 20, 2021

Beth and I went to Arnies place and cleaned out some more of my mom’s belongings.

When we were done, I brought home another box. I was going to see if there was anything I might be able to sell next time I had a yard sale out front.

She had even put a hat that I had knitted on her head. It was a hat my mom insisted I make for her, but then she never wore it. At least Lily was able to have some fun with it. She cracks me up.

Sunday, February 21, 2021

I got a text saying the Stake President wanted to meet with me in his office at the Stake Center.

The Stake President said he was sorry for the way my Bishop had treated me. He said the people in the church aren’t perfect, but the church was. He then told me that I could have my Temple recommend restored because it was wrong of the Bishop to have taken it away in the first place.

I told him it was painful to have it revoked, and I didn’t want to risk it happening again; therefore, I no longer wanted it. He looked shocked. Then he said, “But you have always loved going to the Temple!” I responded, “No, I never loved it. I only went as much as I had out of duty. Duty to my ancestors and hoping that everything that happened in the sessions would one day make sense to me.”

Then he asked if I still needed help from the church? I thought Are you kidding me?! I let him know I was fine and that the Lord was watching over me. I thanked him for his time and left.

I had given my life to the church believing it would be there for me. After I left his office, I was confused about whether the men of the church were really inspired by God.

I started to think about a talk in the general conference given in 1992 by Elder Richard Scott. It had always bothered me, so I looked it up.

I found his talk and read it. “A victim may feel prompted by the Lord to recognize a degree of personal responsibility for abuse, which should be assessed with a priesthood leader.”

At the time the talk was given, I thought, I am not responsible for the abuse I had suffered from my mom. I also thought it wasn’t my fault the way Richard treated me; why should I go to my Bishop and have him assess what part of the responsibility I had in the abuse? I would just be told to go to the Temple and pray about it. Only to be reminded in the Temple to obey my husband. This talk bothered me for years.

I felt there were so many things that just didn’t make sense to me. The way my Bishop was treating me. My Partial Blessing, where none of it was true; Bishop White, who had given Richard the Temple Recommend when we married. The Bishop who told me I needed to support my husband, now that he had been cured from being gay. All the High Priests who had felt Richard was worthy to hold the high priest when he, in reality, was living a double life.

All these men are supposed to be inspired by the Lord. I was starting to doubt my testimony. A testimony that had meant everything in the world to me.

Then I remembered Elder Uchtdorf’s talk. Doubt your doubts, before you doubt your faith. It was all so confusing to me.

I still believed that somehow it would all make sense to me and I would start going to church again when we got a new Bishop.

Friday, February 26, 2021

I saw Trisha today. She asked me how I felt now that Richard had moved out and all the mind games were gone. I had been so focused on trying to survive everything, so I had to think about it. I realized for the first time just how calm it had been now that he was gone. No more mind games! No more thinking I was crazy for thinking he had a double life. No more gaslighting.

Then she asked me how things were going with my church leaders. I told her I felt like I was drowning, and instead of being helped, they held my head underwater and almost finished me off. I was so disappointed in them. I no longer went to church since I was confused and also because I needed to heal.

She said I know you have a strong faith in God, then suggested I go to a different church. I told her I was done with organized religions. I still needed to heal from everything the church had put me through. I still had a strong faith in God, and that’s who I was going to rely on.

Sunday, February 28, 2021

My current Home-teacher came with his wife to visit me. He told me I needed to put God first and start coming to church. I told him I needed to heal before I could do that.

He told me if I loved the Lord, I needed to start going to church again. Then he asked if I loved the Lord. I told him it was Him who had been there for me. Not the church.

He told me the same thing that I had heard a hundred times before. The church was true, but the people weren’t perfect. I told him I didn’t need perfection; I needed love and compassion, and I didn’t want to keep being told I need to serve and do more when I clearly need to focus on getting my life organized and back on my feet.

Then he asked me if I was afraid of hell. His question floored me! I felt like I was being threatened that I was going to hell if I didn’t start doing what the priesthood leaders expected of me. I responded, “I can’t imagine hell being any worse than what I have already lived through.” Then I added, “The Lord knows me; he knows my heart and what I have been through, so no, I am not afraid of the afterlife.

That night I took my garments off. Thinking I would put them back on when everything made sense to me, and I was worthy to buy my own.

As I went to sleep, I was scared the Devil was going to get me, since that’s what I had always been taught would happen if I didn’t wear my garment.

Nothing happened. Not even the nightmares that I suffer from every few nights, where I either dream that Richard is in the room trying to kill me or that I am stuck in a train wreck trying to get back to Denmark.

It was so strange to me to think that something that had meant everything to me was slipping away.

Tuesday, March 2, 2021

The missionaries who were serving in our area stopped by. They asked if there was anything they could do for me. I told them I was fine, then they invited me to come to church with them. After talking for a while, one of the Elders said, “It looks to me that your house was built upon the sand.” I assured him I had built it on the rocks, but it was impossible for it to stay standing since it had been hit by a sledgehammer.

I wish the church would respect me and give me the space I need to heal.