Thursday, October 7, 1976
When I rode my bike to the Thompsons this morning, I decided that I was going to tell Mrs. Thompson that I would be going back to Canada next month. I didn’t want to go on deceiving her. I got there at 7:00 a.m. and all morning I struggled with myself to find the right words. I concluded that there were no right words. Finally, at 9:00 a.m., I told her the truth. Mrs. Thompson got very upset. When her husband came home for lunch, she told him the bad news. Then they both left together. When they came back Mrs. Thompson told me that she had just given her two-week notice at work because she would be quitting her job. She didn’t want to find another babysitter for her kids. She said, “It will be too hard on them to have to get used to yet another person.” I can’t put into words how badly I felt. All I could respond to what she has just told me was, “Oh.” Then Mr. and Mrs. Thompson left for work. It has been a very rough day today. I will miss the Thompsons.
When I got back to the house I did a few chores. When it was time for bed I was very tired because it had been a rough day.
Friday, October 8, 1976
I got up at 6:00 a.m. and helped Mom with the chores. This morning Mr. Thompson called to tell me that one of his co-workers has a daughter my age. She and her friends were going to a Disco tech tonight and I was invited to come along. I didn’t know this girl and I knew she was most likely having me tag along because her dad had asked her to. I didn’t know how to tell Mr. Thompson that I didn’t want to go. I knew he was doing this to be nice. I guess he thinks the reason I was going back to Canada was because I didn’t have any friends here. It doesn’t matter now because I am leaving.
I worked today for the Thompsons from 9:00 a.m. until 6:00 p.m. I felt horrible being there because now they know I have deceived them.
When I got back to the house and was in the middle of reading the letter I had gotten from Nick today, Mom called from outside to tell me that she had lost the house key. She sounded stressed out about it. I told her I would come to help her find it in a minute. When I was done reading the letter I looked out the window. It was starting to get dark, and Mom still had not found the key.
Mom was even more worried because this key was the only key there was to the house, and it was so old that they don’t make them anymore. When I got outside I asked Mom where she thought that she might have lost the key. There are about 2 acres of land in the back yard and mom said she had walked everywhere and it would be impossible to know where she could have dropped the key.
Then we got a flashlight to see if we could find the key. There are so many weeds. I realized it would be a miracle if we were to find it. I suggested that we kneel and say a prayer. Just as we were done praying I got the impression to go get the steel rake and to start raking the weeds. I had barely started to rake when I heard the key hit the rake. The Lord answered our prayer. When we got back inside we went back on our knees to thank Him.
Saturday, October 9, 1976
This morning I went into the backyard and picked apples, pears, and plums right off the tree! Then I brought them back into the house so that we can enjoy them while they are fresh.
Mom has called Mai-Britt’s mom and it turns out that they have moved and now live just a few towns from where we are. Mai-Britt’s mom has invited us to come and stay for the weekend. This morning Elisabeth, Mom, and I took the train to where they live. When we got off the train, Mai-Britt, her mom, and her brother were there to pick us up. It was strange to see them all again. Both Mai-Britt and I stood there staring at each other. Last time we were both 10 years old and now we are 15. What a difference five years had made to both of us!
When we got to Mai-Britt’s place, Mai-Britt and I went into her room and talked. Mai-Britt got out some old pictures of us. It made us both laugh as we talked about old times. Mai-Britt wanted to know all about Canada. She thought it sounded so exciting for me and Sander to live there. It probably would have been if our basic needs had been meet. I let Mai-Britt think it had been wonderful to live there. I didn’t tell her the real story because it was too bazaar to believe and if mom were to find I had said anything about it, she would have gotten upset with me.
Mai-Britt kept telling me how I was the luckiest girl in the world! She had no idea that SHE was the fortunate one. She could see her real dad anytime she wanted. She had a beautiful room with lots of clothes and a mom who truly cared about her. It made me want to break down and cry! But I managed to keep a smile on my face and pretended that my life was just one big adventure.
Later, Mai-Britt’s stepdad came home. Both Mai-Britt’s mom and stepdad looked the same, but she and her brother sure have changed. When we had eaten dinner Mai-Britt’s boyfriend came. They had planned for us to go dancing. I told them that I would rather stay here and visit. I couldn’t go dancing because I knew if Nick were to find out he would flip out. Instead, we stayed at Mai-Britt’s house and they asked all kinds of questions about Canada. They also told me all about living in this town. I felt like I had let Mai-Britt down because I didn’t want to go dancing. But I hoped she still had a good time visiting with me.
When it was time for bed, Mom, Elisabeth, and I slept in a motel that was right next door to where Mai-Britt and her family lived.
Sunday, October 10, 1976
The next day Mai-Britt’s mom came to pick us up. We had breakfast with Mai-Britt and her family. Then we visited until it started to get late. When it was time to go back, Mai-Britt’s stepfather drove us. It was late evening by the time we got back to the house because it was quite a ways from where Mai-Britt and her family lived.
Monday, October 11, 1976
I am off from my babysitting job today. I went to pick Elisabeth up from school instead of taking her to the daycare, I brought her with me to buy a birthday present for the girl I babysit.
When it was time for bed, I got the couch ready. Ever since Bent has been gone, Elisabeth sleeps in the room where mom sleeps and I can have the sofa to myself. Now I just wish I could get rid of that noisy clock on the wall!
Tuesday, October 12, 1976
I went to boil some water so that I could wash myself. Now that it is fall it is even colder standing in front of that drafty old window. I ended up only washing my hair because it was just too cold standing there on that frozen floor to wash the rest of me. It takes so long for the second pot of water to boil. I wonder how they could stand it in the old days when they didn’t have any other way to wash themselves.
Then I went to work. I was to have worked until 7:00 p.m., but when I had finished dinner at 6:00 p.m., Mr. Thompson said I could leave. I was glad to be out of there. It’s hard to be there at this time because I have to answer the phone and take messages from people that call in for the doctor. I have to get dinner ready and the baby cries and the girl is bored and wants me to play with her. It’s a miracle that the dinner isn’t burnt. Some days it’s just too much for me to be here at this hour. It makes me not want to have kids until I am old.
Wednesday, October 13, 1976
Man, what a day today! Since it is the little girl’s birthday they had a big party for her. Twenty-eight children came to the party, and they are all about six years old. That was quite an experience!
When I rode my bike back to the house it was raining hard. I rode my bike as fast as I could. By the time I got back, I was soaked.
Thursday, October 14, 1976
I am off from work today, so I did the chores that need to get done here. In the letter I got from Nick today, he was upset because I had missed a day of writing him. He was sure I was up to something. I felt really bad after I read his letter. This was not the future that I sought after. I wanted to live with him and his family so that I could get away from abuse, and not get into a relationship where there were false accusations and no trust. I wanted to call the whole thing off, but I was sure once I saw Nick I could make everything right, and if I couldn’t it would still be better than living here in this house.
When it was time for Elisabeth to get off from school I asked Mom if I could go get her. Mom said no because Elisabeth had to get used to the daycare! I felt bad for Elisabeth because I remembered what it had been like for me to go to daycare. When I got to Elisabeth’s school to pick her up, Elisabeth asked me why she couldn’t go home. I told her that mom wanted her to get used to the daycare. Elisabeth was sad. I told her that once we got to the daycare I would stay with her for a while, and I did. It just breaks my heart that I can’t bring her back to the house with me.
Friday, October 15, 1976
When I got back to the house from babysitting no one was there. Since I don’t like being in the house when it’s dark, I went over to the neighbors’ house. They let me stay there until Mom and Elisabeth came back.
Saturday, October 16, 1976
In the letter I got today from Nick, he had written all the things that he had planned for us to do when we are together again. This made me look forward to going back to Canada again.
Later in the day, there was a show on the T.V. called Space 1999. This show used to be on in Canada, too. I always thought it was stupid, but since there was nothing else on T.V., I ended up watching it anyway.
Sunday, October 17, 1976
I baked two different cakes from the apple trees outside. I am thrilled that I am getting good at baking. I am so grateful to Mrs. Thompson for teaching me and I am also very thankful to Lilly for teaching me how to crochet.
Monday, October 18, 1976
Mrs. Thompson called and said I had this week off and that I was to call back next week to see if she would need me. I was glad I had it off, but sad that I wouldn’t be making any money. It is getting cold here in Denmark and I had hoped to have enough money to be able to buy a coat before I left Denmark.
Tuesday, October 19, 1976
Mom started a new job today. She knows I need a new winter coat, so before she left she gave me a list of chores that needs to get done and then she said, “If you get them all done before I get back I will give you 100 kr. to go towards helping you to buy a new coat. As she left, she told me not to worry about digging the garbage into the ground because she has called the community to let them know that we need the garbage picked up. Mom and I have seen large rats running around in the neighborhood and she is afraid they are going to start coming to the house.
I still had to bury the poop into the ground. I went into the backyard to try and dig a hole for it. First, I had to clear some weeds and then dig the hole. Since winter is coming the ground is getting harder and harder to dig into. I ended up dumping the poop and then covering it with dirt. It’s one nasty job! I just don’t know how Bent’s mom lived like this in this day and age when the toilet has been invented.
Elisabeth is off from school for a fall vacation. I brought her and her friend with me to buy a coat. With the money mom gave me, I have a total of 200 kr. When I got into town I was surprised to see how much a coat costs. It looks like I will have to go another winter without one. Since I can’t afford a coat, I bought a sweater instead.
Wednesday, October 20, 1976
Today I went into town and bought some gloves. I was hoping I could do without them so that I could save up for a coat, but it’s just too cold on my hands when I ride my bike.
Friday, October 22, 1976
After I had read a letter that I had gotten from Nick today, I was so full of doubt about going back to Canada. I started to cry because I didn’t think going back to live with Nick is the right thing to do. Living here under these conditions and having my things in my suitcase didn’t seem right either. I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere.
Saturday, October 23, 1976
The mailman didn’t have anything for me today, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to forget everything. Forget about Nick and forget wondering where I will end up.
I called Mrs. Thompson to see when I needed to come back and work again. She told me since she had quit her job I was not needed anymore and that I could come and pick up my check. I was relieved to know I don’t need to go there anymore but worried now I wouldn’t be able to get a coat for sure.
Sunday, October 24, 1976
Mom, Elisabeth, and I went to the LDS church again. This time we were able to go to both the morning and the afternoon meetings.
Monday, October 25, 1976
I walked Elisabeth to school this morning. Then I took my bike and went to the Thompson’s place so they could pay me. Mrs. Thompson handed me the money in an envelope. I thanked her and left. When I got back to the house I saw that I had been underpaid. I was so disappointed. I didn’t have enough self-confidence to go back and talk to Mrs. Thompson about it. I realized I had been the one who had deceived them. I had said I would commit to staying a year when I knew I could only stay two months. I should be grateful for the money I made while I had been there.
Later in the day, I went to pick up Elisabeth. Elisabeth asked me if she had to go to the daycare. I told her that I hadn’t asked Mom, so we would go home. Elisabeth smiled as we walked towards the house.
Tuesday, October 26, 1976
In Nick’s letter today, he wrote that it is Italian custom that when you come back, you bring gifts with you. It looks like his Aunt, Uncle, and cousins were expecting a gift too, but for me not to worry about buying anything expensive. I couldn’t help but smile. I couldn’t buy them something expensive even if I wanted to, I just don’t have the money.
Nick also wrote that two policemen had been looking for Sander. I worry about him. He has never taken the law too seriously. I sure hope he is staying out of trouble.
Wednesday, October 27, 1976
When I had brought Elisabeth to school I went over to the laundry mat to help mom with the laundry. I leaned against the iron. I did not know it was on so I burnt the inside of my hand. Mom told me she would be late for work, so I had to finish folding up the laundry and carry it back to the house.
It was even harder to carry back since I had burnt the inside of my hand. By the time I had brought it back and put it away, it was time to go pick up Elisabeth again. While Elisabeth and I walked back to the house I wondered who would be there to take care of her when I was gone. Going back to Canada did not feel right. It made me sick to my stomach to think about it.
When we got back to the house, I boiled some water so that I could wash myself. Ugh! I dread this kind of bath, but if I want to get clean I don’t have a choice. As I was standing there on the cold floor, with the frozen draft coming in on me, suddenly the idea of going back to Canada didn’t seem so wrong after all. Thinking about being able to take a real shower, having my own room, and going on a real toilet made it exciting again.
Then I had to wash Elisabeth, now I was brought back to reality again. What would happen to her? I felt so messed up inside. I wish I didn’t care so much about her. Then it would be a lot easier to leave this place.
When mom got home from work she was off again to another job. Mom is now working a full-time job and teaching short-hand two times a week during the evening. I asked Mom who would be taking care of Elisabeth when I leave. Mom said she has been thinking about having Grandma Helfred move here from Copenhagen.
Thursday, October 28, 1976
When I went to pick up Elisabeth from school, I knew Mom wanted me to bring her to daycare. But I brought her back to the house with me. I will be gone soon and then there will be plenty of time for her to get used to going to daycare.
Friday, October 29, 1976
When I brought Elisabeth back from school today the phone rang. It was a lady from S.A.S. airline service. She wanted to know if she should make my plane ticket out to London, and then from London I could fly to Canada, or if I waited a few more days then I could fly nonstop straight to Canada. I told her I didn’t mind stopping in London for a couple of hours. After I had hung up the phone I thought, Wow, I am really leaving this place!
Elisabeth asked me who was on the phone, so I told her. Then she, too, realized that I was really leaving. Elisabeth threw her arms around me as she cried, “Do you have to go?” It got me all torn up too. I held her tight and wished that life wasn’t so complicated! I told her that I didn’t belong there. Elisabeth was confused. I wanted to tell her right then and there that her dad was not my dad and he didn’t want me here. I wanted to tell Elisabeth that mom had been married before and I had a different dad. I knew I couldn’t tell her because Mom would get upset. I didn’t know how to help her understand that I didn’t belong here in this family.
Then I told her that one of our relatives that lived in town had asked us to come to visit her this afternoon so we better wipe our tears and got ready to go. We then went to visit with Bent’s cousin, Annelise. Elisabeth has no idea that all these relatives here in Skive are not my relatives, yet I have to pretend. When we got to Annelise’s house she was so kind to us. She gave us food and taught me how to crochet a really beautiful napkin. We had such a nice time together. It is strange to think that all of Bent’s relatives have taken me in as one of their own, yet he is not able to do so himself.
Saturday, October 30, 1976
I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning because it was so cold in the whole house from the draft coming through the windows. I dreaded having to get up and wash myself. I jumped off the couch and boiled some water, and then I ran back under the covers and waited for the water to boil. When the water boiled, I knew I had to get it over with. I ran back to the sink and hurried and washed my hair and body. Then as I was ready to rinse, to my horror, I realized I had forgotten to boil more water so that I could rinse myself off. It was too cold to stand there and wait for the next pot of water to boil, so I rinsed my hair off with water straight from the pipes. I thought my brain was going to freeze solid. I don’t think I will ever do that again!
After I had dried off, I wondered who knew trying to get clean can be so traumatic! I felt sorry for Mom and Elisabeth because they still had to stay in this house and it will only get colder as it turns to winter. I can’t imagine it being any colder than it already is. Bent goes back to Canada because he is not willing to live in these conditions, yet he expects Mom and Elisabeth to do so.
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