Saturday, December 23, 2006
For the past couple of months, Jake has not been himself. He has been hiding and does not want to go for walks. He is eating less and less. He is licking his paws constantly. His paws are swollen and red. I am so worried about him!
This morning, Laila and I brought Jake to the vet. We were told Jake has tumors on all 4 paws. They could cut off his paws, but then he would never be able to walk again. Since the tumors were so bad, even if they operated, there was no guarantee that he would get better. It was best to have him put down.
I couldn’t accept what the vet had said, so Laila and I found another one to get a second opinion. The next vet said the same thing. It just couldn’t be true!
On the way out of the office, there was a bowl of dog treats. I gave one to Jake. But he didn’t want it. I wasn’t ready to accept that his time was limited, so I told him to take it. Jake took the treat. When we got outside, he spit it out. Jake never turned down food. I knew then it was only going to be a matter of time before we had to put him down.
On the way home, I did all I could to not cry. A song called “Live Until I Die” came on the radio. As Laila and I listened to the song, it was about making the most of your life while you are alive. It was what Jake had done.
By now, both Laila and I were crying. It was heart-wrenching, but we knew it was best to put him down.
When we were almost home, a song called “To Where You Are” came on. Jake wasn’t even gone yet, but knowing that we had to put him down made the song even more painful.
To Where You Are
Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory’s so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are my forever love
And you are watching over me from up above
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight to see you smile
If only for a while to know you’re there
A breath away’s not far to where you are
Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn’t faith believing
All power can’t be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me every day
‘Cause you are my forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe that angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight to see you smile
If only for a while to know you’re there
A breath away’s not far to where you are
I know you’re there
A breath away’s not far to where you are
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Jake made it through Christmas. By now, he was not eating or drinking anything. He just lies down and won’t move. You can tell that he was in a lot of pain.
We had Jake put down today. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do! I never knew it would be so painful to say goodbye to a dog.
I wanted to go to the vet myself and be there when he was put down. My boss at work was not a compassionate person. He said he had no one to answer the phones and therefore didn’t want me to take the day off. I wanted to say that I am sure his company would be fine without me, but I was afraid to.
Jared said he would take Jake to the vet for me. When I got up this morning, I went to say goodbye to Jake. He looked into my eyes. It was as if he knew it would be the last time we would see each other. I carefully hugged him and kissed him for the last time, and went to work.
Jake was more than just a dog. Since Sarah has left, he has become my dear friend. Whenever I was home, he wouldn’t leave my side, not even when I went to the bathroom. It was because of him that I learned not to be afraid of dogs. I am going to miss him terribly!
I don’t understand why we have to have so many trials! It seems like one thing after another. I have been praying to understand why this happened to Jake, but I get no answers. I want to understand! If I understood, maybe it would be easier to say goodbye to him.
I cried myself to sleep tonight. It was hard to go to sleep knowing he would no longer be by my side, and it was even harder that I would have to live the rest of my life knowing that I wasn’t there for him when he took his last breath.
I hope that when I die, he will come running to me.
Friday, December 29, 2006
When Richard and I got home from work, the house was cold, and the heater seemed to have broken. Laila and Johny had stayed in the kitchen and done their school work next to the oven.
Laila apologized for having the oven on. She said she didn’t want to disturb me while we were at work. I let her know it was okay and that I was glad she had turned on the oven so they could stay warm.
I thought the heater was broken again. Richard then admitted that he had not paid the utilities.
He asked me to call up the Utility company and tell them that he were seprating so that I could have it moved over in my name. That way, we could get it turned on again.
I asked Richard what was going on. He told me that he was taking from Peter to pay Paul.
I needed to know what was going on with the bills because I was under the impression that we were working towards getting out of debt. He said in the past, when he was on a downward spiral, he didn’t want me to know just how bad it had gotten because he loved me and therefore didn’t want me to worry.
He still didn’t want me to know everything going on with our finances because, as he said, he was better now and had everything under control. I just need to put the utilities in my name, and we will get the bills caught up in no time.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Richard casually said, “I wonder if Jake got tumors from the poison I put on the lawn when he was younger?” I couldn’t believe what he had just admitted!
That would explain why Jake got tumors on all four paws. Jake didn’t have to die! The pain of losing him was even harder to bear.
It’s been over a year since our dryer went out. I have been hanging up our clothes to dry ever since. I feel like we are never going to get out of debt. Since Richard is better now, I have to trust that he has everything under control.
I hope the New Year will be better and that we will finally get out of debt!
Thursday, January 4, 2007
At work, I always make sure I answer the phone right when it rings. If I don’t, the boss gets mad at me if a phone call goes to the answering machine. I don’t take breaks because I am afraid I will miss a call. I eat my lunch next to the phone. I don’t drink enough water so that I won’t have to go to the bathroom.
I ended up getting a bladder infection from not drinking enough water. Now I have to take time out to go see the doctor. The boss was not happy with me.
Monday, January 8, 2007
I am drinking more water. If I go to the bathroom and miss a call, the boss will just have to deal with it. I can’t risk my health over it.
Friday, February 9, 2007
When Richard and I were driving home from work today, Richard told me the boss had pulled him aside to let him know my services were no longer needed.
I am disappointed the boss didn’t tell me in person, or at least give me 2 weeks’ notice. Richard said the boss wanted to save money, so his wife would do the job.
I wish I didn’t have to worry about finding another job. Since I want to get out of debt, I don’t have a choice.
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