Sunday, February 21, 2022
Beth asked me to come out and spend the weekend with her and her family. I brought Lily with me.
Beth led the music in primary.
Lily had a lot of fun being in front of the class, helping her aunt with the actions for some of the songs.
After church, Beth told me to come move closer to where she lived. She said the bishop was so nice, and he would never treat me the way mine had.
I told her I didn’t think where I lived mattered; for now, I needed to heal from everything that’s happened to me.
Beth asked if I wasn’t worried about Lily not going to church. I told her quite the contrary. It was at church I learned that I was broken. I didn’t want her to experience the same thing. I didn’t want her to grow up believing the only way she could get to the highest kingdom was to be married to someone with the priesthood. I didn’t want her to worry that if she didn’t marry in the Temple that she would end up being a maid to a couple who was. I had feared that for too many years.
I had thought so much about it these days, and I just couldn’t see a loving God do that to one of his daughters. There were too many things I had worried about that had been unnecessary, and I didn’t want that for Lily.
Beth still seemed worried about me since I had stopped going to church. I still had a lot to sort out before I could start going back. For now, I was content being just me, without having to live up to everything the church expected.
They say the longer you stay away from church, the harder it is to go back. For me, the longer I have stayed away, the more I am starting to see things differently. Over the past year, I didn’t understand so many things about the church that I put it on the shelf. Now that I have been away, I realize there are so many flaws in what I was taught.
One of the biggest things I’ve struggled with was Joseph Smith being married to more than one wife, and his wife Emma didn’t find out until after he had married someone else.
Over and over again, I have been taught that we have free agency. We are free to choose. Emma was never given the choice of whether she wanted to be part of polygamy. I am also having a hard time believing God sent an angel with a flaming sword threatening Joseph Smith to have more than one wife. If this was true, then his free agency was taken away as well.
Monday, February 21, 2022
I am still selling items online. I had made a bed on the floor and was going to lie next to Princess while I posted some of the things that I had for sale.
After I had gone to the bathroom, Princess was already lying in my spot.
She must have thought my side was the perfect place to take a nap. Good thing she’s so cute!
Tuesday, February 22, 2022
Even though I am only going to Denmark for one week and staying with my friend Inge-Lise, I was stressing about my trip. Especially since they had made so many changes to the airport. Laila suggested we go to the airport so I could see where to go and check in in advance.
When we got to the airport, we saw posters about COVID, vaccines, and testing everywhere. At the front desk, I talked to a lady about it. I ended up having to cancel my ticket since I am not vaccinated.
My heart was broken! I am not sure when I will be able to go to Denmark again.
When I called to get a refund for my ticket, I was told I could still go to Denmark, but the ticket would cost over 2,000 dollars because I would have to take a different route. I couldn’t get back the money I had already paid. I could only put it towards a new ticket before the end of the year. I still have a lot of stuff I can sell online, so I will keep saving and pray for a miracle.
Wednesday, February 23, 2022
I was going through a box of pictures from Arnie’s house. There were a lot of pictures of Richard and me. Pictures that I had never seen of us before. It was so strange looking at them, knowing that when they were taken, I was clueless. It felt good to rip them up and throw them away.
As I was going through the box, I realized that Lily was awfully quiet.
Laila had been to the dentist earlier and was asleep.
I went to check on Lily to see what she was doing.
She was busy painting her nails.
I asked if I could help. She responded, “No, my do it!” She had even put a towel down.
For a split second, I thought, “Looks like she knows what she’s doing; I might as well finish up what I was doing.” I am so grateful for moments like this. It helps me forget the pain I was dealing with and makes it easier to get rid of all the pictures that my mom had over the years.
Wednesday, March 9, 2022
When I went to give the Chickens fresh water, Lily was in the middle of building a snowman.
In the past, when my kids tried to make a snowman, I always wanted to help them, but I was too busy babysitting or serving in whatever calling I had in the church.
I always thought I would help them later, when I had more time.
Except I never seemed to have time to slow down.
It was so nice to pause and help Lily build her first snowman without stressing about time.
Sunday, March 13, 2022
My Home Teacher has been coming over periodically with his wife to check on me. He has tried to get me to agree to have him and another priest come and administer the sacrament to me until I felt well enough to come to church.
At first, I agreed because I didn’t know how to say no. After they had come over a couple of times, I just didn’t feel right about it. I kept hearing the Bishop’s words, “You are not to be a burden to the church or its members!” So I asked him to stop coming.
Then my Home Teacher’s wife started calling me every Sunday, asking why I hadn’t been to church and whether I would be there next Sunday.
Even though I felt suffocated, I asked Laila to come with me to church today. I told her we would only be going to Sacrament meeting.
When we got there, the opening song was When There’s Love at Home. I couldn’t believe it! I couldn’t get out of sacrament fast enough! Laila followed close behind.
While we were in the hall, a lady I knew walked in with her family. She invited us to come sit with her and her family. I told her we would be in when the song was done. She could hear the opening song.
When she realized what song it was, she knew why I couldn’t go in. Then it was as if she had the best idea ever! She said with excitement, “Why don’t you make that yours and Laila’s song? Then when you hear it, you can tell yourself, ‘There’s our song!” I wanted to say, “Wow, you really have no clue as to what I am dealing with!” But it was obvious she didn’t. Then I wanted to say, “What a great idea! Why didn’t I think of that!” But then I would be mocking her, so I just smiled.
When the song was done, Laila and I walked back in. When I looked at the lady conducting, she was looking right at me. She mouthed, “I’m so sorry,” because she knew I couldn’t handle that song.
When sacrament was over, she came running up to me and said, “I had forgotten you had asked me not to use that song. Then as soon as I saw you walking out, I remembered. I’m so sorry! I didn’t do it on purpose.” I told her it was okay, even though it had rattled me to the core.
Saturday, April 2, 2022
Jared and his wife were out of town, so they asked me to come watch their kids this week. I love being with my grandkids, so of course I said yes.
Today was General Conference. I had promised Jared and his wife that we would be sure to watch it. Even though there were a million other things I would rather be doing with them.
I sat down and watched the conference this morning. It started out okay, but then when the third talk came on, I just about fell apart.
A lady gave the talk. It was all about how happy she was to be a member, and then she said this:
“While talking to a friend going through a difficult time, I asked how he was surviving financially. In tears, he replied that his bishop was helping him using fast-offering funds. He added, “I don’t know where my family and I would be if it wasn’t for the Church.” I replied, “The Church is the members. They are the ones who willingly and joyfully give fast offerings to help those of us in need. You are receiving the fruits of their faith and determination to follow Jesus Christ.”
“My fellow disciples of Christ, let us not underestimate the marvelous work the Lord is doing through us, His Church, despite our shortcomings. Sometimes we are givers and sometimes we are receivers, but we are all one family in Christ. His Church is the structure He has given to guide and bless us as we worship Him and serve each other.”
Hearing what she said in her talk made me both angry and sad! But I didn’t let my grandkids know. It made me angry because that’s what I had always believed. But when I needed help most, the church wasn’t there for me. I wanted to go outside and let out a scream, then go back inside and say, “Well, that’s enough of that; let’s turn off the TV and go do something fun.” Even though it was hard on me, I stayed with my grandkids out of respect and watched every talk in both the morning and afternoon sessions.
We also watched all sessions the next day, Sunday, but I did my best to tune out the talks and be grateful I could spend time with my grandkids.
While I was with them, they told me they missed me and cried when we couldn’t see each other when they were little. I told them I had cried a lot too since I had missed them terribly as well.
It made me even more grateful that Richard was out of our lives and would never get the chance to do anything so evil to any of us again.
Saturday, April 9-16 2022
Johny and his wife have moved to Colorado. Johny’s son turned 1 this week, so Johny sent me a plane ticket so that I could be there for his first birthday.
I spent a whole week with Johny and his little family.
I am so grateful that even though they live so far away, I can still see them and spend time with my grandson.
Sunday, April 17, 2022
I am determined to have steps put in the back of the house so that Laila can get a license to do daycare in the basement.
When I got back from Colorado, I started digging out the dirt so we can have it ready for the stairs when Laila and I can afford it.
I bought Lily her own little green wheelbarrow since she loves to help me.
Lily is in the hole, doing her best to help me dig it out.
Monday, April 18, 2022
I have been dating Jace, and I honestly thought we got a second chance to be together. He’s not active in the church anymore and has asked me to help him get active again. I told him I am the wrong person to be helping with that since I’m not sure what I believe anymore.
The last time we were together, he was showing me some pictures on his phone when a message popped up from another girl. He got flustered and told me he wasn’t dating anyone else. But there are too many red flags, so I broke it off.
Monday, May 2, 2022
I love how Lily loves to do everything with me in the yard.
Today I found a huge worm and told her she could give it to the chickens. At first she wasn’t too sure about touching it, but then she took it and fed it to them.
Friday, May 13, 2022
This afternoon, while I was in the kitchen, I could hear Princess in my bedroom. She let out the strangest cry. I went to see if she was okay.
I picked her up. Laila and I both knew her time was up.
I held her in my arms as Laila drove to the vet.
By the time we got there, I was sure she had passed since she lay so still in my arms.
Just to make sure she was gone, the vet gave her an injection.
When we got back from the vet, Laila helped me bury her in the backyard.
Laila said she would get me a new dog. I thanked her and said Princess was sent to me at the right time, and I didn’t want another dog. I am grateful for the time I had her.
Monday, May 23, 2022
The weather has been nice, so I have been able to dig out some more dirt. I can’t believe how much work it is! Even though Laila and I can’t afford to have stairs, I believe in miracles. Somehow, we will get those stairs put in. Until then, I will keep digging.
Friday, May 27, 2022
Lily loves picking anything that’s in the garden. Since the strawberries weren’t ready to pick, I showed her one of the strawberry plants and asked her not to pick them.
When I checked on her, she had picked all the strawberries except the ones on the plant I had shown her.
I guess I should have explained that I meant ALL the plants.
I asked her what she was doing; she proudly told me that she was cooking. Then I asked her where the flowers that had been on the plants were. She smiled at me and said, “I planted them in the sandbox.” It’s impossible to be mad at her, especially since she was so proud of herself for leaving the plant that I had told her not to touch.
June-August 2022
Jared and his wife have had me watch both of their kids during their spring and summer break. They have moved and live about an hour away from me. So I only come home on the weekends since it’s so far to drive.
I enjoy every minute that I get to spend time with them! Since I get paid to watch them, I now have enough money to go to Denmark! October is the cheapest time to travel, so I booked my plane ticket then.
I’ll be going to Denmark on October 4, 2022. This time I feel more prepared to travel, so I booked the ticket for 3 weeks. Then I can see more people while I am there.
When I am home on the weekend, I keep working on projects with Laila so she can have her daycare in the basement.
It’s so hard on Lily when I am gone during the week, so when we do projects I try to involve her as much as possible so that she can spend time with me.
Wednesday, July 6, 2022
Beth invited Arnie, Jared, his family, me, and her girls over for dinner. When Jared, his family, and I got to Beth’s house, I sat down on the couch. Just then, Arnie walked through the door.
Arnie sat down next to me. Emma asked Arnie how he was doing now that Mette was gone. He said he could use someone to take care of him, then put his hand on mine and looked me in the eyes.
I felt awful. Then I removed my hand and said, “Yes, couldn’t we all.” Everyone laughed and thought nothing of it.
When Jared, his family, and I got back to Jared’s house, and the kids had gone to bed, I told Jared and Emma I had something I needed to tell them. I told them I had been extremely uncomfortable at Beth’s place this evening, and then I told them why. I told them I was not going to tell them about Arnie proposing to me, but I wanted them to know why I couldn’t go to dinner again if Arnie was there. They seemed shocked, but they understood.
Saturday, July 9, 2022
We are going to turn the toy room into a kitchen for Laila. Someone came to measure so we can install cabinets. He quoted us $10 thousand. That was even for the cheapest cabinets. It looks like it will be a while before we can do that.
Even though we can’t afford to have a kitchen installed, we ripped out the carpet and are going to prep the walls so we can paint them. Then hopefully someday soon we can afford the rest.
Wednesday, July 13, 2022
Beth knew I was at Jared’s during the week, so whenever Arnie was at her house for dinner, she invited me over to join them. Since I kept turning her down, she asked me why I didn’t seem to care anymore. I told her that I would come over when Arnie wasn’t there and talk to her about it.
Thursday, July 14, 2022
When Jared and his wife came home from work, I went to Beth’s house to talk to her. I told her that what I was about to tell her, I had intended to take with me to my grave. But I thought it was best to tell her what had happened on my 60th birthday last year. This way, she would understand why I couldn’t come over when he was there.
After I had told her, she was shocked. Then she asked, “Do you mind if we tell Kevin?” I told her it was fine with me.
We then went upstairs. Beth said to Kevin, “We have something we need to tell you.” Kevin said, this seems serious. Beth then asked me to tell him, so I did.
There were a few seconds of akward silence. Then Kevin said, “If Beth dies, just know I am not going to propose to you.” It made us all laugh and seemed to break the tension.
Beth told me never to tell anyone else. I told her I had already told Laila, Jared, and his wife, and why I had told them. Then she said, “Well, my girls must never find out!” It was getting late, so I went back to Jared’s place.
Saturday, July 23, 2022
A couple of years before Richard left, we bought a king-size bed because he said he needed a nice, big, comfortable one to move upstairs.
This king-size bed is comfortable. But it’s been a nightmare to put the sheets on because the mattress seems to sit too low. I had asked Richard if he had put the mattress in wrong, but he told me everything was fine.
This evening, when I went to bed, the bed broke in half.
It turned out Richard hadn’t put in the bars that were supposed to go under the mattress to reinforce the bed. No wonder the mattress was sitting so low!
Now I have to cut up the bed so that I can get rid of it.
At least I still have a nice king-size mattress.
Sunday, July 24, 2022
A pipe burst in the upstairs bathroom, so water went through the floor into the basement. Laila and I had just paid a man to put in a new ceiling in Lily’s bedroom, and now part of it was damaged.
The water also damaged the lights in her room, and sparks went flying when we tried to turn on her light. We would have to call an electrician on Monday to have him come and fix it.
I turned off the water. Luckily, it was Sunday, so I was home. Even though I have been told that I can’t be a burden, I called my Home Teacher since I didn’t know what else to do.
He came right over. He told me the things I needed to do to get it fixed. He called a guy named Tony in the ward and had him come over. While they were both at my place, my Home Teacher assured me that Tony would give me a good deal on the work that I needed done since he knew my situation. I trusted both of them, so I hired Tony to do some work for me.
I found out later that my Home Teacher knew Tony had botched the last job he did for someone in the ward. He even knew that he had been fired. Yet my Home Teacher still felt he was good enough for me to hire.
After telling Tony what I needed done in the basement, he said he wanted the money in advance. I asked him for a receipt, and he assured me that he would give it to me. Then I left so that I could go watch my grandkids for the week.
Thursday, July 28, 2022
I got a message from Per. He and his girlfriend have broken up. He is currently living with his sister until he can find his own place.
I love waking up in the mornings and seeing if he has messaged me. When he has, I write back in the evenings before I go to bed again. Even though we are just friends, I love hearing from him.
Friday, July 29, 2022
When I returned home, it seemed Tony had done more damage than good. He assured me it was because he was just getting started and still had a lot more to do before it was finished. Then he asked me for more money. I still hadn’t gotten a receipt from the last time I paid him, but he assured me he would give me one.
Sunday, August 7, 2022
My Home Teacher and his wife came to check on me and ask why I had not been at church. I told them it was hard to be gone all week and then have to catch up on what I needed to do over the weekend when I was home.
Then I told him about Tony and showed them some of the work that he had done, and how much I had paid him so far. My Home Teacher assured me that Tony would finish what he had started and that he would continue to give me a deal.
Then my Home Teacher told me it was time for me to accept a calling. I told him I wasn’t ready to serve. He told me I was becoming selfish and that I needed to accept the calling that the Bishop was going to give me.
I have tried to go to church, but I always leave crying. It takes me 3 days to recover. I wish my Home teacher and his wife would respect me.
Sunday, August 14, 2022
As usual, my Home teacher’s wife texted me and asked if I was coming to church today. I lied and said I was going to Jared’s place, even though I wasn’t planning on going there until later that evening.
Sunday, August 21, 2022
I got my usual text asking if I was coming to church today. I ignored it since I didn’t think it was right that I had to be accountable to them.
As soon as church was over, my Home Teacher and his wife showed up and asked why I hadn’t been at church or answered their text.
I proudly showed them that I had cut up my king-size bed, since I didn’t know how else to get rid of it. I told them it wasn’t easy since I was only home on the weekends. I also told them I wasn’t happy with Tony or the work he had been doing.
I hoped my Home Teacher would ask what else I needed to have done so he and the other Elders from the ward could come help me with it. Instead, he said, “With everything you want done, you would need at least 5 husbands.” I was dumbfounded!
My Home Teacher had been one of the men who had felt Richard worthy to receive the higher priesthood. He was also the one I had gone to and asked for a blessing when I wanted to leave Richard. Instead, he told me to obey my current Bishop and go to the Temple like I had been asked to do.
I wanted to say, “If you had been in tune with the Spirit, I wouldn’t have been forced to stay with a husband who never did anything that needed to get done around here!” Before I could say anything, my Home Teacher reminded me that I needed to accept a calling from the Bishop so that I wouldn’t become selfish.
There was so much I wanted to say to him, but didn’t since I knew it wouldn’t matter.
After my Home Teacher and his wife left, I broke down crying. I hated feeling like the church owned me and that I was to do what he and the Bishop told me since they have the Priesthood and are over me.
I called up Johny and asked him how he removed his name, because I was ready to do the same. Johny told me I could remove my name without talking to my Bishop. Then he emailed me something to send to the church’s main office.
Monday, August 22, 2022
I filled out the papers that Johny sent me, then emailed them to the church’s headquarters. Now I am just waiting to hear back.
Wednesday, August 24, 2022
I got an email back from the church. It said that to remove my name, they needed a handwritten letter. Then they itemized what it needed to include. Once I wrote the letter with everything they requested, I was to get it notarised and mail it to them.
I called Johny to tell them what the church had emailed me. He said the letter I had sent them was written by a lawyer and that, by law, they had to remove my name as I had requested.
I wrote back, “The church had put me through enough. I need you to remove my name and not put me through any more headache.”
Friday, August 26, 2022
I got an email from the church’s headquarters saying my name had been removed as I had requested, and if I ever wanted to get rebaptized, I would need to talk to my Bishop.
I emailed Johny to let him know my name had been removed and to thank him for his help.
When Johny finished work, he called me. The first thing he asked me was, “How do you feel now that you have removed your name?” His question caught me off guard, so I had to think about it.
I didn’t have to ask the Prophet or his helpers to remove Richard from my church record, saying we were sealed. I would never have to log into my records again and see it! These men had no power over me! I had taken care of it myself!
I had always thought I would be lost without the church, since it had meant everything in the world to me. Instead, they had let me down when I needed them the most. While I was in the church, I never felt like I did enough, no matter the calling I had.
The more I thought about his question, the more I realized how good it felt to be free from the church. Finally, I felt like I was enough! I had spent so many hours doing service, and for the first time I didn’t feel like I owed the church anything! The church or its leaders no longer had any say in my life! It was the best feeling in the world!
I didn’t leave the church because I was offended over the way I had been treated. I left because the Bishop helped me question the blessings I had received through my obedience.
I have been told to forgive the Bishop for how he treated me. Even though it was extremely hard at the time, I have forgiven him. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have seen the church for what it was. If anything, I am grateful to him!
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