Chapter 32 Sander’s Visit

Saturday, December 23, 1978

Mom, Beth, and I were excited to have Sander come and stay with us. Mom had planned for Beth and me to share a room, and for Sander to have my room. I didn’t mind. 

Rather than getting a one-way ticket for Sander, it was cheaper for Mom to get a ticket for a three-week vacation in Denmark.

When Sander arrived, he told Mom that after the three weeks were up, he would be heading back to Canada. Mom got upset and told him that she had saved all this money for his ticket so he could come live with us. Sander said he had made a life for himself in Canada. He had a full-time job and a girlfriend waiting for him to come back. Mom had to accept this.

Sunday, December 24, 1979

Grandma came early in the day to help Mom, and I make dinner. Just before we were to sit down and eat, Bent came to the house. Mom had invited him to spend Christmas Eve with us. Bent had brought one present with him. It was for Beth. He put it under the tree, along with the rest of the presents we had already placed there.

Beth was excited to open her presents, but Mom told her she had to wait until the dishes were done. Beth was having a hard time waiting, so I let her open one of the presents that I had bought for her.

It was a game she could play with Sander and her dad. I thought this would keep her busy while she waited for Mom, Grandma, and me to finish the dishes. When the dishes were finished, we went into the living room and sang some Christmas songs. I love singing the old familiar Christmas songs before we open presents.

There was a knock on the door. It was the two Elders (Mormon Missionaries) who lived here in Skive. They had come to celebrate Christmas Eve with us. It was finally time to open the presents.

Beth opened the present from her dad. It was two toy telephones that went together. Beth wanted to play with them right away, so she and her dad tried them out. The phones didn’t work.

Out of nowhere, Sander turned to me and asked, “Why did you break them?!” I assured him I had never seen the phones before. Everyone there had watched Beth open her present and could see I had not touched them or gone anywhere near them. How could it be my fault they weren’t working?

Sander stood up; his eyes grew big and wild. As he walked towards me, he clenched his jaw and tightened his fist. I was afraid. I calmed myself down and thought, I am 17, it is time I stood up to him and put an end to his abuse once and for all!  Besides, what could he do to me with everyone watching? If he were to start hitting me, I was sure everyone around me would put a stop to it.  

Once again, I assured Sander that I had nothing to do with the phones being broken. Then he yelled, “Admit it! You broke them! Just admit it!” I stood my ground and told him I would not admit to something I had not done.

Then he started violently hitting me. I yelled out, “Help me!” I was shocked when Mom told everyone to leave the living room. Then she motioned to everyone to go into the hall. To my horror, Mom shut the door, and I was left alone with Sander. 

To make sure everyone could hear me, I shouted even louder for help. I could hear one of the missionaries say, “Shouldn’t we help her?!” So I screamed, “HELP ME! PLEASE!” Then I could hear Mom say, “No, they haven’t seen each other in a while, this is how it’s always been. They are just getting reacquainted!” As if his behavior was perfectly normal, and to just accept what was going on.

I couldn’t believe it!  I was in trouble! As I pleaded for someone to help me, I tried to fight back, but the more I fought back, the more excited Sander got. He grabbed me by my hair and started to pound my head repeatedly into the wall. I knew if he didn’t stop, I would be either knocked out or even dead.

I knew from the past that when he thought he had knocked me unconscious, he lost interest in hitting me. I went into survival mode and went limp so that he would think I was unconscious.

Sander had so much rage, so he kept banging my head into the wall. I thought for sure he was going to kill me, but I had to do everything in my power to hold still and hope that the beating would stop.

After what seemed like an eternity, he let go of me, and I fell to the ground. When he walked off, I quickly got up and ran out the door.

It was cold outside. There was new-fallen snow on the ground. I grabbed my bike and started pedaling as fast as I could. I didn’t know where to go. I knew everyone was having their Christmas celebrations with their families.

I decided to go to Marian’s house.  She lived almost four miles from Mom’s place. Her family was surprised to see me standing there in the snow without a coat. Her parents asked me to come in.

I wanted to tell them what had just happened to me, but I didn’t know how. They could tell something wasn’t quite right, but neither of us knew what to say. It was obvious I had interrupted their evening, and I was sure that if I was to tell them what had happened, they wouldn’t be able to comprehend the Hell I had just been through.

They asked me to come in and sit down. Since none of us knew what to say to each other, they continued opening presents. It was awkward.

After sitting there for a few minutes, I told them I’d better get back. Marian’s mom said, “Yes, it is getting late, your mom is probably missing you, so you’d better go home.” Since I didn’t know how to tell her that I needed help, I left.

I got back on my bike. I felt sick from the beating to my head. I needed to lie down, but the ground was frozen. I tried to stop crying because it was making my head hurt even worse.

The tears froze as they came down my cheeks. I didn’t want to go back to Mom’s apartment. I thought about going to Lotte’s place, but I knew I would be interrupting their Christmas Eve aswell. Since I had nowhere else to go, I went back.

When I got there, the door was locked, so I knocked. Mom opened the door. When she saw it was me, she said, “Are you happy now?! You just had to egg him on, didn’t you?! You just couldn’t help yourself, could you?! You just had to ruin Christmas!”

Sander stood behind her with his eyes still looking wild with anger, and his hand was once again clenched. I never said anything for fear of what would happen to me. I hurried past them. Since Sander was using my room, I hurried into Beth’s room.

I was shivering. I was cold from being outside for so long without proper clothing. I layed down on Beth’s bed. I pulled the covers up to try to get warm. As I lay there, I wondered why Sander was allowed to beat me the way he had, and how anyone could just stand there and listen to the beating, as I was calling for help.

I just don’t get it! In the past, I would have given in and apologized for the broken toy. This time, I thought for sure he wasn’t going to get away with it. Especially since I thought I would receive help from the people around me.

I wondered if I should have apologized. It just didn’t seem right to me since I had nothing to do with those stupid phones.

Later, Beth came into her room to go to bed. She laid down next to me. Neither one of us said anything to the other.

Monday, December 25, 1979

When I woke up, I still had a terrible headache! We all pretended nothing had happened yesterday, and from then on, I walked on eggshells, making sure I apologized for anything Sander thought I had done wrong.

My friends came around and met Sander. They thought he was so charming and good-looking and told me I was lucky to have him as my brother. I didn’t say anything. They most likely wouldn’t believe me if I told them what it was really like to have him as a brother.

Friday, January 5, 1979

Sander told Mom he would be heading for Copenhagen to visit some old friends. He would then return to Canada. Mom was angry with Sander. She told him that, since she had paid for his ticket, he was to stay here for the whole three weeks.  

Sander told Mom he didn’t care what she thought and that he would be leaving first thing in the morning. I could tell Sander had been used to taking care of himself and doing just what he wanted. I admired that he could tell Mom how he felt and do just what he wanted. I wished I could do the same!

After Sander left, Mom cried a lot. She knew she couldn’t change how things were, and she began to have regret over leaving him behind.

I was glad to see him go.