Monday, September 1, 2008
When Bent was alive, he had rented a room in his basement to a lady named Maggy. Bent had mentioned in his will that she was to get $50,000.00. Maggy had moved out a few months before Bent killed himself.
Beth got a call from Maggy’s lawyer. He claimed that Maggy was his live-in girlfriend and was suing for everything Bent had.
Beth and I went through Bent’s journals, and we were able to prove that she was just a tenant.
I have started to get nightmares of my past living in Canada. I dream I am a little girl being hit and yelled at. I am hungry, cold, and have nowhere to turn. I have tried to deal with the nightmares like I had been taught by the first therapist that I had seen years ago. But it wasn’t working.
Ever since we got back from Canada, I’ve been craving peanut butter sandwiches. I eat one, but it’s not enough. I keep eating them even though my stomach hurts. I hate peanut butter, so I couldn’t understand what was going on.
I was also craving pears. It was pears that had to be perfect and not too soft. I would go to the grocery store to find the perfect pear. One day, I ate 21 pears. Even though I felt sick from eating that many in a day, I still craved more. I have gained 14 pounds from all these cravings.
The cravings seemed uncontrollable and were making me miserable. I lay down to figure out what was going on.
As I lay there, I realized the reason for the peanut butter sandwiches was that, as a child living in Canada, it was the only thing I was allowed to eat to satisfy my hunger.
After going to Canada and seeing my old room, I was subconsciously afraid I would go hungry again. No amount of peanut butter sandwiches was going to satisfy that fear!
Then I wondered about the pears. As I was going over it, I remembered when we lived in Skive, I was only allowed to eat the bruised pears that had fallen on the ground. My craving for hard, perfect pears was a way of telling myself I WAS worthy of the good pears.
When I realized this, I told myself I would not be locked in my room and go hungry, and that I was worthy of the perfect pears.
It was bizarre to me to think the cravings were all mental and had nothing to do with hunger. Once I realized this, the cravings went away.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
I had another nightmare last night. This time, I dreamt I was a little girl sitting on the toilet in Canada. I did not make it in time. I had peed all over the floor. I woke up crying. I was scared I was going to get in trouble.
I went into the living room and tried to get over the nightmare. I sat on the couch in a fetal position. As I was resting my head on my knees, I wrapped my arms around my legs. As I sat there, I gently rocked back and forth.
It was the strangest thing. I was the adult holding the scared little girl inside me. I told her that I understood what she had been through and that I would protect her so that it could never happen again. I reassured her that everything would be okay. After a while, I felt better.
After that, the nightmares stopped coming back.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Sarah and her boyfriend have moved in with her boyfriend’s mom. Her name is Margo. They live in Colorado.
3 weeks ago, Margo called to tell me that Sarah had tried to kill herself. I asked what had happened. The only thing she said was, “Sarah is fine now. I just thought you should know.”
I called Sarah to find out more information. Sarah didn’t want to talk about it. I told her she was welcome to come home. Sarah said no to the offer.
Sarah called me today. She was hysterical because Margo had given her and her boyfriend 2 weeks to leave her house. Margo had said they needed to get a job because she was done supporting their lifestyle.
Sarah demanded that we take her, her boyfriend, and both their dogs in. I let Sarah know she and her poodle were welcome, but not her boyfriend or his Doberman. Sarah got angry and hung up the phone.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Jared called me from the hospital to tell me that his wife was in labor. I was so excited!
Later, when my grandson was born, Laila, Johny, and I went to the hospital to see him. He was perfect!
Later, when Richard came home from work, we went to the hospital again so that he could see the baby. It is hard to believe I am a grandma now.
I’m a farmor!
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