Wednesday, July 2, 1980
When I landed in Copenhagen, Mom, her new husband Bent, and Elisabeth were at the airport to pick me up. Bent has a small summer house in a town called Strøby. Since it’s a summer house, it is near the ocean away from the city, away from everything.
It’s strange to be here in this new place. I am glad to see Elisabeth. Bent is polite to me, but I feel out of place. Since Bent has married Mom, he has quit his job and is living off of mom. Mom has brought her typesetting machine to Bent’s summer house so she can work from there.
Monday, July 7, 1980-My 19th Birthday
I have called a hair-dressing school to see if I can get in, but they told me they are all booked up. I wish that I could move to Utah and take Elisabeth with me! I have asked Mom if she would like to live there. She said she would but Bent wants to stay here.
Today, while Mom was working, Bent drove Elisabeth and me to the laundry mat. There is a lot of laundry since it’s not been done for quite a while.
On the way home Bent bought some strawberries. He said he got them because it’s my birthday. When we got back to the house, Mom said I was to hang up the laundry. I had assumed that we were all going to hang it up together, especially since most of it wasn’t mine! Then Mom told Bent and Elisabeth to sit down and eat the strawberries with her. I told Mom that Bent had bought the strawberries since it was my birthday and I would like to eat some too. Mom responded, “Well, then you better hurry and get the laundry hung up!”
As they were eating, I felt awful. Since I have been back Mom has me do all the chores and I mean ALL of them! I don’t mind helping out, I just think since Bent is not working he should help too. But he just reads books and the newspaper all day and doesn’t clean up after himself. He says he is looking for a job. But he doesn’t seem too interested in really going out there and trying. I could see the pattern happening all over again. I am the maid, well at least a maid gets paid, so I guess I am more like a slave. If I am to say anything I know I will start a fight that I can not win.
As I was trying to finish up the laundry, Mom yelled outside to me, “Hurry up! We are leaving soon. We are going out to eat dinner since it’s your birthday.” I didn’t respond, I was doing all I could to hold back the tears.
When I got done with the laundry, everyone had already finished eating. I overheard Mom say to Bent, “Man! She is such a sour puss!” I went into the backyard so I could be alone to cry because I knew if mom saw me crying she would make fun of me. I don’t understand why she has to be so mean. I had the chance to stay a lot longer in Utah, but yet I chose to come back.
I didn’t want mom to come out and find me crying so I went for a walk. When I got back to the house everything was locked up and they had gone to dinner without me. I walked down to the ocean and sat down and cried some more. After I had sat there for a while, it started to get cold. I found a phone booth and called my Dad. It was Henny who answered the phone. She told me that he wasn’t home. I thought it was just as well because I couldn’t go live at their house anyways.
I went back to the ocean. I closed my eyes and asked Heavenly Father to please take me home. I had hope that, if I prayed hard enough, he would answer my prayer. When I opened my eyes I was still where I had sat down. I looked at the water, it made me feel close to Heaven. I wanted to go in the water and drown myself so that I could go be with Heavenly Father. But I was afraid it wouldn’t work and I would just get wet and be colder than what I already was. After sitting there for a while a peaceful feeling came over me and I felt comforted.
I wiped my tears and I went back to the house, but they were still not back yet. The lawn needed to be mowed, so I got out the lawn mower and started to mow. I kept telling myself to have faith that one day my life would be different.
Mom, Bent, and Elisabeth finally returned at 10:00 p.m. I thought Mom was going to start yelling at me, but instead, she ran up and hugged me. Mom asked, “Where have you been? We have been looking all over for you?” I was confused because I had just been down the street to the beach which is the only place to go around here. It had not been that hard to find me. Bent said, “I am glad you are here.” I thought, “Yes, I bet you are because if I was gone who would clean up after you and do all the chores?” They had been gone for five hours. Mom made it sound like they had been everywhere looking for me. Deep down I knew it couldn’t be true. By now it was late and time for bed. No one was hungry because they had been out to eat. I knew Mom had lied to me. I still wanted to believe that they had been looking for me because it made everything less painful.
Tuesday, July 15, 1980
Mom and Bent are thinking about buying a house. It sounds like they are planning on getting a big beautiful house. I guess Mom must be doing well with her business because it’s obvious that Bent is not getting a job anytime soon. I find it interesting that mom married two Bents and they are so opposite from each other. The first Bent doesn’t want to spend a dime, and the other one loves spending mom’s money.
Sunday, July 20, 1980
We have been going to church while we live here. It’s a small branch and the members are nice. Bent didn’t want to come with us. He doesn’t seem too interested in the church. It’s becoming more and more apparent that his intention was only to marry Mom and live off of her. Mom seems oblivious to this fact, and I am not about to point it out to her.
Wednesday, July 23, 1980
When Elisabeth and I were alone this evening, she cried. I asked her what was wrong. She said she missed her Dad and that she has no friends here. I told her I was still here and when she was to start school she would be making new friends. When it was time for bed I had Elisabeth come sleep next to me because she was so sad.
Tuesday, July 29, 1980
Mom and Bent have been approved to buy the house they have been looking at. They both seem very excited about it.
Thursday, July 31, 1980
While we were in town today, I looked for a job, but since it’s a small town, jobs are pretty scarce.
Monday, August 4, 1980
My Great Aunt Ada called me from Germany and asked me if I would like to come for a visit. I still have some money left over from my trip to Utah so I told Aunt Ada that I would come as soon as I could get there.
Friday, August 8, 1980
When it was time to leave, Elisabeth pleaded with me not to go. I told her I would love for her to come with me, but she has to start school Monday. Elisabeth cried when I left. It was hard for me to leave her too.
Saturday, August 9, 1980
It was a long scary ride getting to Munchsmunster, Germany since I don’t speak the language. I finally managed to get to where Aunt Ada and her husband Herbert live.
When it was noon Aunt Ada told me to get ready to go. I asked her where we were going. She told me it was a surprise. We first went on a train ride and then on a ferry. The ferry took us down a long river. It was so beautiful and very peaceful. The tour guide only spoke German. Ada translated what he said. We passed by the Berlin Wall. Ada translated that if we were to climb the wall we would get caught by the guards. Then she pointed up and two men were standing on guard with riffles by their side ready to shoot anyone who touched the wall. I am pretty sure I won’t be climbing that wall anytime soon! When we got home I was very tired because it had been a long wonderful and eventful day!
Friday, August 22, 1980
Aunt Ada has taken me to see so many places here in Germany. These past two weeks went by so fast and it is a vacation to remember! I have also gone to Church with Ada while I was here. Even though I didn’t understand anything that went on, it was fun to hear the meetings and the hymns all done in German.
Aunt Ada was sad to see me go. She has asked if I could come live here with her and her husband. She said that her husband is not a member and she regrets taking off with him during the Second World War. She wishes she had married someone of the same faith as ours. She is lonely because her only daughter is not active in the church and all the members live so far away. I hugged her and told her I had to get back to Elisabeth. Before I boarded the train, Herbert said in German, “You must promise to not wait another 12 years before you come back again!” Aunt Ada translated for us. I promised.
I never did make it back before they both passed away.
While I have been gone, Bent, Mom, and Elisabeth went back to Skive and are staying in the apartment that Mom has there. It was nice to be back again since it’s a place where I knew the members and my way around. When I got back, Elisabeth and I went to see Grandma. She was happy that we are back because she has been very lonely. Now that Mom and Bent have bought a house close to Strøby, it won’t be very often that we can see Grandma.
Sunday, August 24, 1980
It was good to see all the members again, but sad because today is the last time we will be going to this branch. The members sang, “God be with you till we meet again.” It made us all cry. I looked over at Grandma and she was taking it very hard. I felt bad for her because we are the only family she has here, and that is why she moved to Skive in the first place.
After church, one of the Elders told me that they are teaching Mom’s last husband, Bent Ramsdahl, the discussions and he is thinking about becoming a member. The missionaries are sure he is going to get baptized. I told The Elders I was sure he would never agree to it because of tithing. But if he did, I would be sure to come back with Elisabeth for his baptism. He also told me that Bent R. is taking Mom’s new marriage hard.
I told Mom that I had been thinking about staying behind. I could live with Grandma for a while until I found a place of my own. Mom said that was out of the question because she needed me now that they are moving. I wish I was strong and was able to stand up to Mom. But I also knew it would be hard on Elisabeth if I were to stay behind.
Monday, August 25, 1980
Grandma came and kept me company while I packed. She told me that she had been thinking about moving to Copenhagen so that she would be close to us again. When it was 5:00 p.m., Bent told Grandma it was time to go home. I think he is afraid that she will spend the night like she used to before Mom got remarried.
Tuesday, August 26, 1980
Grandma never came over today. When Elisabeth was done with school she and I went to Grandma’s place to see why she had stayed home. She told me that she is uncomfortable being around Bent. Elisabeth and I stayed and visited with Grandma for a little bit. On the way back Elisabeth asked if we could stop by and see her dad, so we did. I could tell that he was a mess and that he is taking all this very hard. After Elisabeth had visited with her dad we went back to mom’s place.
At dinner, Elisabeth started to tell Mom about her visit with her dad. Then Bent Matteson got upset and said, “I don’t ever want to hear another word about your Dad!” It was uncomfortable for all of us to sit through the rest of the dinner. I understand that Bent would like to erase Elisabeth’s dad, but the fact is he was Mom’s last husband and will forever be Elisabeth’s dad. Nothing can ever change that.
Friday, August 29, 1980
This morning I went to a specialty store and bought a jar of Peanut butter to give to Elisabeth’s Dad as a farewell present. I knew Bent likes it, and he would most likely never buy it for himself since it’s so expensive here. Then later in the day, Elisabeth and I went to give it to her dad and tell him goodbye. Bent wasn’t home so we left it by the door.
Sunday, August 31, 1980
The missionaries came over to help us load the truck. When we were done, we went over and had dinner with Grandma. It was very hard to say bye to her.
Monday, September 8, 1980
We haven’t moved our boxes into the new house, because Mom and Bent say there are still things that the workers have to finish up before we can move in. All our stuff is stored in Bent’s brother’s basement. For now, we are living in the summer house.
Mom and Bent are having some disagreements. Yesterday they got into a bad fight because of the church. I think she is finally starting to realize that he wants nothing to do with it.
Today as mom was working on her typesetting I went to ask her a question. Mom was having a hard time answering me. When I looked at her, I could see she was crying. I asked her what was bothering her. She told me that she was worried about the bills because Bent doesn’t have a job and she realizes that he is in no hurry to find one. Bent was also spending money out of control. It sounds like she is thinking that she made a mistake when she married him.
Tuesday, September 9, 1980
I told Mom that I couldn’t handle living here anymore because of all the tension going on with Bent. I was planning on going on welfare until I found a job and I would be moving out as soon as it could be arranged. Mom seemed to understand. Elisabeth started to cry. She doesn’t like it here either. She is not adjusting to the new school and the kids make fun of her because she speaks a different dialect. She misses her friends and her Dad in Skive. Elisabeth begged me not to move out. I assured her that I was not planning on moving far and that she could come see me anytime she wanted.
I want to stay for Elisabeth’s sake, but I can tell staying here is making me mentally ill. I keep the house clean and do everything I see that needs to be done to avoid Mom getting upset with me. But because she and Bent are not getting along she takes it out on me. I feel horrible about myself and I am scared of people. I don’t like feeling this way anymore.
When it was time for bed, I could hardly fall asleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about moving away from here.
Wednesday, September 10, 1980
I woke up early this morning because Mom was by my bedside. She kissed me and put her arms around me and she said, “I beg you to stay. I will find you a good job, and then next year I will send you to B.Y.U. and then when you turn 21, I will send you on a mission just like you’ve always wanted.” I didn’t know how to respond because I knew Mom could never afford to send me to B.Y.U. Especially now that she has bought this big house and was supporting Bent’s spending habit. I also knew that Mom was only nice whenever she wanted something and she needed me there to do all the chores for her. I knew what she was saying wasn’t true, in order not to start a fight I agreed that I would stay.
Monday, September 15, 1980
I called and asked Dad if we could go see his mom. Dad said he would take me there today. I was excited to think I would finally get to see my Grandmother because I had wondered for so many years what she was like.
I took the bus into town so that I could spend the day with Dad. I told him that I was taking a genealogy class at church and I needed some information about his side of the family. Dad seemed agitated. He told me that I had been brainwashed by the church. I did my best to help him understand that it wasn’t the church making me do these things, but I did it because his side of the family was important to me.
When Dad found out that I wanted to do genealogy with his mom, he said that she was busy and didn’t have time for me today. I was disappointed because I had looked forward to visiting with her.
The rest of the day with Dad was not like it had been the last few times I had visited. He seemed disappointed in me because of my faith. When Dad was done with his work, he took me to meet some of his friends. While we were there I got sick with allergies because of their cat. Later Dad took me to the train station so that I could go back to the summer house.
Once I got off the train, I called Bent because he was planning to come and pick me up. I kept trying to call but no one answered the phone. I thought it was strange because I knew they had to be there and Mom and Bent were expecting my call. I was anxious to get back to the summer house because I was having a hard time breathing because of my allergies. When a bus finally arrived I asked him how to get to the summer house. Since it was getting late there weren’t many buses going that way. I started to worry about how I would make it back.
When I finally got back it had taken me three hours and it was time for bed. I asked Bent why he had not answered the phone. Bent said the phone cord must have fallen out of the wall. I looked and it was unplugged. I guess he didn’t want to come pick me up from the station. I was so irritated with him because I knew a phone cord doesn’t just fall out of the wall. But I also knew I couldn’t say anything or Mom would come to his defense and it would start a fight. I also wondered why mom had not checked the phone because she knew I would be calling. I was glad to finally be able to lie down because I was so sick from my allergies.
Tuesday, September 23, 1980
Mom and Bent are still fighting. I try to do everything mom expects of me, but she still takes her anger out on me and I can’t do anything right. Mom’s abuse has finally taken its toll on me. The emotional pain she is putting me through is indescribable. I could not see how my life could ever get better.
In the evening when everyone had gone to bed I looked in the medicine cabinet. I found moms Valium. I swallowed all the pills that were in the jar. Then I went to lie down next to Elisabeth. I felt bad that I had not been strong enough to be here for her. I also knew I would see people in heaven that would be disappointed in me. But I hoped they would understand why I had given up.
I kissed Elisabeth on the forehead becaue she has always been a sound sleeper and I didn’t think I would wake her up. To my surprise, she woke up and asked me why I was still awake. I told her that it didn’t matter, but I wanted her to know that no matter what happened, for her always to remember that I loved her. Elisabeth wanted to know what was wrong. I told her nothing and for her to go back to sleep. Elisabeth said, “Something is wrong! I know it! I am going to get Mom.” I assured her that everything was fine and tried to convince her to go back to sleep. Elisabeth ran into Mom’s bedroom and woke her up. Mom came out and wanted to know what was going on. I didn’t know what to say. Mom could tell I had been crying and she demanded to know what was going on. I handed her the empty bottle. She then demanded to know where the pills were, but I never answered her. I just wanted to lie down and go to sleep and never wake up again. Mom was upset her pills were gone and didn’t seem to care that I just tried to take my own life.
Mom called the ambulance. When the ambulance arrived, Mom came along in the ambulance. While we were driving mom sat there crying hysterically. I was falling asleep. The men in the ambulance told me I had to stay awake and that I had to fight. Then one of the men asked me why I would do such a thing. I wanted to answer, “Because I didn’t have anything better to do.” But I never said a word. What do you tell someone who asks you why you just tried to end your life? As the men hooked me up to a machine they kept trying to ask me questions to keep me conscious, while the whole time mom is acting herstical because it was all about her.
When I got to the hospital the doctor put a fat tube down my throat. It was the worst thing I have ever experienced! If the pills didn’t kill me, I was sure this tube would. While they were pumping out my stomach I could not breathe. I had no idea I could hold my breath for this long and still be alive to tell about it. I felt like they were sucking out all my insides while I was suffocating to death. In the meantime, my mom is sitting in a chair close to me still crying hysterically. I wish they would ask her to leave but they didn’t.
When the doctor was done pumping my stomach he wanted to know why I had done this. I didn’t say anything. How could I ever get him to understand what it was like to have my mom for a mother, especially when she was right there acting so overly concerned about me? Then the doctor said, we need to keep you here on a monitor for a few days to make sure you are going to be all right. But, we don’t have enough rooms in the hospital so you will have to sleep out in the hall. I didn’t care. I just wanted to get away from mom and get some rest.
Wednesday, September 24, 1980
The nurse woke me up and asked me to drink some water. It tasted awful! The nurse told me it was because of the poison I still had in my body that made the water taste so bad. I looked over and I could see I had an I.V. in my arm. I fell right back to sleep again. The nurse came over again and wanted me to eat. I wasn’t hungry, only very tired. She insisted I eat so I tried, but the food tasted awful too, and I just wanted to be left alone to sleep.
A social worker came in to ask me why I had tried to kill myself. I was tired and I didn’t know what to tell her. I felt that she could never understand what I was going through. I wanted to tell her that I needed to get away from my mom, but I was scared of what would happen if I did. Then the social worker said, “I see you are tired. I will come back tomorrow.”
Thursday, September 25, 1980
The nurse woke me up again this morning. This time Mom, Bent, and Elisabeth were standing there. The nurse told me to get dressed because they were here to take me home. Then the doctor came in. He said they would like to keep me, but they had too many patients waiting for a room. He told Mom that the poison was still in my body and that I would need to sleep the next few days so that I could recover from all the truma my body had gone threw. The doctor told mom that she was to make sure I took it easy until I had slept off all the poison that was still in my body. Mom assured him that she would take good care of me.
When we got back to the summer house, I slept for a couple of hours and then mom woke me up. She was holding a list of chores that needed to get done. Mom said, “Get up! You have slept enough! This is no excuse to be lying around. You have got chores to do!” I was shocked. I was so tired, I could barley keep my eyes open and my body hurt all over. I got up and started on the list of chores. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I walked around with my eyes closed as I pushed myself along.
Tuesday, October 14, 1980
It’s so strange. Trying to kill myself has not changed a thing! Mom is still the same. Oh, how I regret that I was not strong enough to ask the social worker for help when I had the chance! I decided that I had to stay strong no matter what and not lose hope that one day my life would get better. For now, I had to just take it one hour at a time.
The house is finally ready to be moved into. These past few days, I have been busy unpacking all our boxes. Today was to have been our first night here. Mom and Bent got into another fight. Bent went back to the summer house. Mom said to me, “ I have been worried about how I am going to afford this place and since Bent is not getting a job to help out, I guess it’s time to leave.” Then she called up Bent Ramsdahl and asked him to come get us. He was excited to know that we were coming back. He said he would arrange for a moving truck and come pick us up Saturday morning.
Wednesday, October 15, 1980
All day, Mom and I packed as fast as we can so that we can be ready to move on Saturday. The painters who are still working here are confused because first, I unpacked and got everything in its place and now mom and I are packing up everything again.
Then we went to the summerhouse to pack up all of our belongings that were still there. Bent was there. He thought we were packing our things to move into the new house. He has no clue that we are going back to Skive. While we were there Bent told Mom that he was going to wait until Saturday to move in with us. Mom said that was fine because this would buy her some more time to get moved out.
Saturday, October 18, 1980
Mom and I have done nothing but pack things up these past few days, and we managed to get it all done before the moving truck got here this morning. Bent Ramsdahl has brought two other guys with him so they could help us load the boxes. Bent told us they had driven all night to get here this morning. We all worked as fast as we could because we were afraid that Mom’s husband would show up.
Elisabeth drove with her dad in the moving truck, and I drove with Mom in her car. While we were driving Mom seemed relieved to be getting out of here and she admitted that this marriage had been one big mistake.
When we got to Skive, Elisabeth slept at her dad’s place. Mom and I went to Grandma’s. Grandma was not home. Mom had the key to get into Grandma’s apartment. Grandma has gone out of town to visit with her sister. Man! Will she be in for a surprise when she finds out we are back.
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