Chapter 38 On My Own

Sunday, October 19, 1980

This morning, Mom and I met up with Bent Ramsdahl and Beth to unload the truck. Bent has a cousin here in Skive who owns a huge warehouse, and that’s where we’ll store our stuff until Mom finds us a place to live. When we were done, his cousin and family invited us to lunch. When we had eaten, we went to Bent’s house. The first thing Beth did was run over to her friend’s house to play.

Inge and Sven came over. They are a couple from our branch. They asked Mom to step outside so they could talk to her.

Inge and Sven told Mom that Bent Matteson was at their house, all shaken up. They said he went to the house to visit Mom at 12:10 p.m. We were done loading the truck and out of there by 12:00 noon. That meant he had missed us by 10 minutes. I was so grateful that we had managed to be out of there just in time!

Inge and Sven also told Mom that Bent Matteson had driven his car all the way here to Skive and showed up for church this morning, hoping we would be there.

Since we had not shown up, he had asked Inge and Sven where they thought that we might be, and that’s why they had come to Bent Ramsdahl’s place. Then they asked Mom to come with them to their house so she could talk to Bent Matteson, since he was in tears.

While I waited for Mom to come back, I helped Bent Ramsdahl with his dishes, then showed him some pictures I had taken while we were gone.

When Mom came back, she said Bent Matteson had promised her he would get a blessing for his temper. He has asked Mom to please make their marriage work. Mom had told him she couldn’t afford the house, so they are putting it up for sale and then taking it from there.

Later, Mom, Beth, and I went back to Grandma’s place. In the middle of the night, Bent Matteson called to talk to Mom again. He seems desperate to make their marriage work. I think it’s because he realizes Mom wants a divorce. He will not be able to live off her, and he’ll have to find a job to support himself.

Monday, October 20, 1980

I went with Mom so that we could find an apartment for both of us. Mom has been so uptight today and has been yelling at me for everything. She told me it was my fault that her marriage had not worked out. I can’t wait to find my own place to live. Maybe then I won’t have to be a part of this mess anymore. Mom has no reason to blame me for what has happened or to take her anger out on me and yell at me the way she does.

Mom can’t set up her typesetting machine because it’s too noisy in Grandma’s apartment. Mom asked Bent Ramsdahl if she could set up her machine at his house, and then she would pay rent for letting her have it there. Bent was more than happy to have her set up her business at his house.

When we got back to Grandma’s, Mom told Grandma we would be living at her place for a while. Grandma was relieved to know we were back and told Mom we were welcome to stay as long as we needed.

Tuesday, October 21, 1980

I have been looking for a job so I can afford to live on my own, but nothing is available, so I signed up for Welfare. It was something I didn’t want to do, but I didn’t have a choice if I was to live on my own.

From there, Mom and I went to the bank to close her account because Bent Matteson is still on it. When we got to the bank, the man at the counter told Mom that her husband not only drained her account but also took out the maximum loan he could get.

The first payment was due on November 1. Mom said she has been moving and, therefore, was not able to make the payment they were expecting. Mom was told they would have to take her car if she couldn’t come up with the money. It looked like Mom’s life had been turned upside down. She started to cry. You could tell the man at the counter felt bad, but he was only doing his job.

Thursday, October 30, 1980

I have put an ad in the paper looking for a room to rent. About 15 people have responded. I spent the whole day looking for a place to live. I picked the place that is closest to town. I am excited to finally have a place of my own!

I called my dad to tell him my new address. He was disappointed to hear I had moved back to Skive. He asked why I hadn’t called to let him know sooner. I told him it all happened so fast, and besides, I didn’t think he cared. Dad quickly responded, “Of course, I care, Søs! You are my only daughter!” I was surprised to hear his quick response. It was good to talk to Dad again.

Sunday, November 2, 1980

The Bishop called me into his office. He could tell this marriage has been hard on me. He told me it was important that I move out on my own. Then he gave me 1500 kr. of his own money to help me buy things like pots and pans and whatever else I might need. I told him I would pay him back a little at a time. He said that if I felt the need to pay it back, I should do it through my tithing. Over the next short while, I repaid the money the Bishop had given me.

Monday, November 3- November 14, 1980

I have moved into my new place. It’s a one-room apartment. I have painted it, and I have even talked Bent Ramdahl into helping me wallpaper. He complained the whole time, but he did it.

I wish I had been able to do this so much sooner! But at least I finally have a place I can call home! Beth has come over to spend the night. After dinner, as we were getting ready for bed, Mom came. She said she had changed her mind about letting her stay. I don’t understand why Beth couldn’t have spent the night. Beth cried, but Mom didn’t care. I felt bad for Beth, but I am glad I am away from Mom.

Wednesday, November 19, 1980

Beth came over this evening to visit with me. While she was here, Bent Ramsdahl came over. He was depressed because Mom had not been to his place so that she could work on her machine. I didn’t want to tell him that Bent Matteson was back in town, staying at Grandma’s with Mom, because they were trying to work things out.

I don’t want to get involved in this mess, so I said, “I haven’t seen Mom these past few days, either.” Then Bent Ramsdahl asked me what I thought about us all moving back to Canada. My stomach turned. I couldn’t imagine ever moving back there again! I quickly answered that I liked Skive and that it was now my home. When Bent Ramsdahl left, he was still really down.

Monday, December 1, 1980

I have been applying for jobs, and so far I have had no luck. This afternoon, after I ate some nuts, my stomach was in so much pain, and I threw up blood. I don’t have a phone, so I prayed that when I went down to the street, I would see the missionaries. I lay down for a bit, then went outside. Just then, the Elders came walking down the street. I asked them to call a doctor and have him come to my place. The missionaries said they had a strong impression of coming walking down this way, and now they knew why.

When the doctor came, he pushed on my stomach. He said, “It looks like you have an ulcer. For now, stay in bed and take it easy until you can see a regular doctor.”

I can’t believe I have an ulcer. I have been wondering why my stomach has been hurting. I am happy with my life now, but I guess Mom’s last marriage has taken a toll on me. I don’t want to deal with this pain. I sure hope I will get better soon!

Tuesday, December 2, 1980

The missionaries told Grandma that I was sick, so she stopped by with groceries for me. I was grateful since I was still in a lot of pain, and I couldn’t go to the store myself.

Thursday, December 4, 1980

I heard a knock at my door. When I opened it, I was surprised to find Mom and Beth standing there. They were both crying. I told them to come in. Mom said she had just stopped by to tell me that they were on their way to Copenhagen.

Bent Matteson waited for them outside, in his car. I asked Mom what had happened. Mom said that Grandma had kicked them out because Bent Matteson and Grandma had gotten into an argument, and then Bent Matteson had hit Grandma and broken her glasses and her hearing aid. Then Mom and Beth left with him. I don’t know where they were going. I didn’t think to ask.

I felt bad for Grandma. How could Bent Matteson have hit her, and why in the world would Mom go with him after that? I wished I had asked Mom if Beth could stay with me, but it all happened so fast. Besides, Mom most likely wouldn’t have allowed Beth to stay with me. I feel terrible that Beth has to be a part of this mess.

Sunday, December 7, 1980

Grandma came to my place because she was worried I hadn’t come to church today. I told her I was still in a lot of pain. Since Bent Matteson had broken Grandma’s hearing aid, she could not hear a word I was saying. I finally gave up trying to talk to Grandma and just listened to what she had to say. She told me all about the fight she and Bent Matteson had. I wish I could have talked to Grandma, but I was glad I could listen.

Later in the day, I threw up some more blood. I went downstairs to ask the landlady to call a doctor for me. When the doctor came, he gave me some pills and told me that if these pills didn’t make me better, then he would admit me to the hospital.

Monday, December 8, 1980

Mom came to my place to tell me they were back in town and that an apartment was available for them to move into. Mom told me that Beth had a program at school tonight and asked me to come. I told her I would come if I was up to it.

I missed Beth and wondered how she was doing, so I went to see her. When I saw Beth, she looked so sad. I asked her what was wrong. She said, “If I talk about it, I will cry.” I hugged her and said, “Yeah, I know.” Then Beth added, “I don’t understand why it has to be like this.” I agreed with her.

When Beth’s Christmas program was over, Mom told me to come over tomorrow to help them move into their new apartment. I told Mom that I had an culcer. I had been throwing up blood, and therefore the doctor had asked me to take it easy, but that didn’t seem to faze Mom; she still insisted I was to help. I didn’t respond. I know Mom will be fine without me. Bent Matteson will just have to get off his butt and help her.

Wednesday, December 10, 1980

Mom came over; she was really upset. She said that she and Bent Matteson had been fighting all morning, and she was afraid that he was going to start hitting her.

A few months ago, I asked Mom if she would like to move to America. Since Mom had been fighting with Bent Matteson, she brought up our conversation about moving to America. 

Saturday, December 20, 1980

Bent Matteson packed his things and moved out of Mom’s apartment. I asked Mom what happened. Mom told me Bent said he was going to night school, but when she checked, he wasn’t enrolled. When she confronted him,  his explanation didn’t make sense.

Friday, January 9, 1981

When I went over to Mom’s place today, Bent Matteson was there. There were presents on the table for Mom and Beth. The presents were all very expensive. I guess Mom could see the look of disbelief on my face.

When Bent went into the bathroom, Mom told me I needed to be nice to Bent. I have always been polite to him, but mostly I keep to myself. Mom wanted me to invite him over for dinner. I wanted to ask Mom what planet she was living on, but instead, I said, “I better get going.” On the way out the door, Mom told me I was jealous because Bent had bought presents for her and Beth and nothing for me.

I will never understand Mom’s way of thinking!

I worry about Beth being in this mess. I prayed that Mom would see Bent for who he really is, so she could be rid of him once and for all.

Saturday, February 5, 1981

The mailman always delivered Mom’s work. Since Mom does all her business by mail, everyone at the post office knows who she is.

This morning, the mailman brought a large package for Mom. He said that Bent Matteson had a P.O. Box at the post office, and it was getting pretty full. Therefor he had brought the mail to Mom’s place.

When the mailman left, Mom opened up the package to see what all this mail was for Bent. It turned out he had an ad in the paper, and many women had responded. It was clear that some of these ladies who were corresponding with Bent had been having an affair with him and were wondering when they were going to see him again.

After reading some of the letters, Mom was livid! Bent had told Mom that he had been looking for a job when he was out of town. Instead of looking for a job, he had been seeing women all over Denmark. It was finally clear to Mom that she needed to end this marriage once and for all.

Sunday, February 6, 1981

I got a job a few weeks ago at the cafeteria where I used to work. I work as a cashier and help make the food. I used to like working there, but not anymore. I don’t understand why I have so much anxiety.

At the time, I didn’t know that I had C-PTSD from everything I had gone through.

My life seemed to be going nowhere. When I saw Mom today, I told her I have been thinking about moving to Utah. Mom said, “Sounds like a good idea. I want to come, too. Tomorrow, we should look into how we can make it happen.” I sure hope that somehow, some way it can come to pass.

Tuesday, June 16, 1981

I received a letter a few months ago saying I had been accepted into a school to learn to cut hair. 400 people applied to this school, and only 83 were accepted. I am one of these 83. The government is paying for my schooling. Part of me was excited about it, but what would happen to my plans to move to Utah? I will be done with school right before I turn 21, and I had planned to go on a mission. The school is starting at the end of this month. I realised I could just move to Utah after I finished school, then go on a mission.

Monday, June 29, 1981

I am torn and filled with anxiety! I have been thinking a lot about going to school and how that will all work out. I don’t have a way of supporting myself while I go to school full-time. I talked it over with Mom to see what my options are. Mom was more than happy to have me move back in with her and do her chores!

I knew I could not move back with Mom or my mental health would get worse, so I made the heart-wrenching decision to drop school and continue working full-time so that I could keep saving up money to move to Utah, and if I wasn’t married by the time I was 21, then I would go on a mission.

Beth and I are outside my apartment in Skive

Tuesday, July 7, 1981 –My 20th Birthday

There are two missionaries in Viborg and two missionaries in Skive. Since it’s my birthday, they all came to Mom’s place to celebrate. The two missionaries assisting the mission president came, too. There were 6 Elders altogether just to celebrate my birthday. I felt pretty special.

After dinner, one of the Elders, who was an assistant to the mission president, told the other Elders they could rest in the living room while he helped me with the dishes. He was the cutest Elder I had ever seen before. It was a lot of fun having him help me with the cleanup.

When we were all done with the dishes, he smiled at me and said, “You don’t want to go out there and visit with the rest of the missionaries; this is more fun!” Then he stuck the clean dishes back in the dirty water, and then we did them all over again. This was the most fun I ever had doing dishes.

When it was time for the Elders to leave, I thought. I am now the same age as them. Next year I will be 21, and from then on I will be older than the missionaries who will be coming to serve in our town. I was never going to find a return missionary in Denmark. Now I am even more desperate to move to America.

Sunday, August 9, 1981

When we left church today, Mom couldn’t find her car. I had walked to church, so I didn’t know where she might have parked it. I thought, how could a car just disappear? Mom must have forgotten where she had parked it.

Mom kept insisting that she had parked it right in front of the church. Mom started to cry. Then one of the members said, “Look! There is a note under that rock.” It was written by Bent Matteson. It said he had taken her car. If Mom wanted it back, she would have to give him 1600 kroner. It also said that if mom was thinking about making his life hell, he would know tricks to make her life even worse and not to mess with him.

Mom stood there crying, and all the members stood looking at Mom in disbelief. There were two missionaries here from Copenhagen. Since they are assistants to the Mission President, they have a car. They offered to take Mom to the police station so that she could report her car stolen.

When they arrived at the police station, the officers told Mom that, even though the car was in her name, it couldn’t be considered stolen because she and Bent were still married. Therefore, there was nothing they could do about it.

Mom had invited the two missionaries visiting from Copenhagen and the four missionaries from here to come over for dinner. Grandma and I were also invited to join them for dinner. While we were eating dinner, Mom was still very upset about her car.

This time, Mom took it out on Grandma. It was uncomfortable sitting at the dinner table. What happened to Mom was bad, but taking it out on Grandma was not going to make it any better! The Elders tried to make small talk at the dinner table, but we all still felt uncomfortable.

Friday, August 21, 1981

A few days ago, I took Beth to the fair that was in town. While we were there, I saw three teenagers from our ward. They are all inactive. It’s hard being a member here in Denmark when there’s little support from the friends around you. You have to be strong and not be afraid to stand out.

I have decided that when I have a family of my own, this is not where I want to raise them. I have put an ad in the paper, and I am going to sell all my belongings. I feel strongly that now is the time to prepare to leave, or it will never happen.

Tuesday, September 1, 1981

Sander called Mom collect to give her a sob story about needing 1500 kroner. With the messy divorce she’s going through, she didn’t have that kind of money to give him.

Mom called Bent Ramsdahl to see if he could lend Sander the money. To Mom’s surprise, Bent Ramsdahl’s phone had been disconnected. Then Mom called one of Bent’s close friends to ask her if she knew what was going on with Bent. She told Mom that Bent had sold the house and all the land, and had moved back to Canada 14 days ago.

When Beth heard this, she cried. She was hurt that her dad had not told her this himself. She never got to say bye to him before he left. I could maybe understand that he never told Mom or me, but I thought it was heartless that he never called or came by to tell Beth, who is his only child.

Mom could not believe this news, especially since he supposedly loved the house so much. When I stopped by Mom’s place, she told me what happened. She said she still had a key to Bent’s house. Mom gave me the key and asked if I would go over to Bent’s house and have a look around.

I went over to the house. When I got there, I went to the back so that the neighbors wouldn’t see me. I was scared! The house has always seemed haunted to me. The back way isn’t very well-lit because of the nearby trees.

As I walked through the back door, I walked right into a cobweb and got it all over my face. I did all I could to not scream. It was so creepy! As I walked up the stairs, they creaked. My heart was pounding so hard. I looked in the living room. It was empty. I started looking around the house, and it seemed he had cleared out everything. I didn’t go upstairs or into the basement because it was creepy enough just walking around on the main level. It was clear that Bent was gone, so I ran out of the house as fast as I could and locked the door behind me.

It was nice to be back outside in the fresh air again. That house has a strange, moldy smell. I looked at the garden. This was the only place that once seemed so peaceful to me. But even that seemed haunted. I hurried back to Mom’s place so I could tell her that I was sure that Bent was gone.

Friday, September 4, 1981

Sander had called Mom to tell her that Bent was not in Canada. Mom wants Bent to pay child support, so she wanted to see if she could find him. Mom asked me to go with her to Bent’s house to see if there was any mail or if he had it forwarded.  

When we got inside, we found a pile of mail that had come through the door. It was mostly bills. Bent had left no forwarding address, and it was apparent he had left without paying his bills.

When we got back outside, I noticed that Mom had left the light on. We had to go back and turn it off so that no one would know that we had been there. Once we got back inside, I saw through the window that three older women were coming towards the house. Mom hurried and locked the door, then we stayed out of sight and waited until they left again.

While we were waiting, we could hear them talking. They were Bent’s relatives. They had come to visit Bent. I guess they didn’t know he was gone. They walked around the outside of the house, checking every window and both front and back doors. They walked around both the front and the back of the house. These three ladies were in no hurry to leave. Mom and I were beginning to wonder if we would ever get out of the house without being noticed. The ladies finally left one and a half hours later.

When we got back, Mom made a lot of phone calls because she was determined to find out where Bent was. It looked like he had sold the house for cash and left the country without paying taxes on it. Mom couldn’t find out where Bent had disappeared to.

Later that evening, Bent’s cousin and her husband stopped by Mom’s place. They had brought a huge box for Beth. They said Bent had given it to them about a month ago and asked them to deliver it to Beth.

He had specifically asked them to wait a month before dropping by. Mom asked them if they knew where Bent was, but they said they didn’t. Beth opened the box. It was full of old junk that should have been thrown away long ago.

It might have had sentimental value to Bent. It all smelled like mold, just like the old house. Beth looked as if she were about to cry. 

Monday, September 21, 1981

The store down the street delivered a beautiful new bike for Beth on her birthday. It turned out Bent had ordered the bike and asked them to deliver it before he left the country. There was a birthday card with the bike from Bent. Mom removed the card, ripped it up, and threw it in the garbage. Mom told Beth the bike was from her. I had seen the card, so Mom told me I couldn’t tell Beth the truth because it didn’t matter. Beth was sad that her dad had not gotten her anything for her birthday.

Sunday, November 15, 1981

The bishop has heard that I am preparing to move to Utah. He told me that in the old days, the members were asked to move to Utah. But now the Prophets encourage the members to stay where they are.

I told the Bishop I knew that, but I also felt this was not where I was meant to live. Then the Bishop said he has seen many young people try to move to America, only to end up back in Denmark because it’s not as easy to immigrate there as it once was. Then he told me it was my duty to stay in Skive and build up Zion. He said that if I didn’t stay, there would come a day when they would have to close this branch someday.

I told the Bishop I didn’t belong here, and that I had to try, or I would forever regret it. The Bishop could see I was determined. Then he said that he would miss me and wished me the best of luck in my journey.

Sunday, December 21, 1981

It was extremely cold today. The Bishop didn’t have enough time to warm up the building before the meetings were to start. The Bishop was going to call off church. Mom thought it was a shame that so many members had come from far away. Mom said that we could have church at her place.

We were about 36 people altogether. We had all the meetings at Mom’s place. We even had the bread and water. I thought it was kind of cozy to have church this way. Mom was uptight the whole time. I don’t know why she told the bishop that church could be held at her place when she was going to act the way she did. But other than that, all the meetings went well.

Thursday, December 31, 1981

Today is the last day of the year. I am still planning to move away from here. I don’t know how it will happen, but I just know it will. I have held a yard sale and sold most of my belongings. I have also obtained a passport for Beth and had mine updated. I hope that Mom will get hers updated, too.

I feel bad about leaving Grandma behind. Grandma says that if we get established in America, then she will sell her stuff and come live with us.

Mom says that we can’t move because it would be impossible for her to sell her business and her apartment. I have been fasting and praying that it will come to pass. I believe in miracles. I have faith that somehow, someway, we will move to America next year.