Wednesday, November 10, 1982
When I got home from work, Dave called. We talked longer than we usually do. He invited me to go with him this Saturday to a class called, “Know Your Religion”.
Friday, November 12, 1982
I had to work tonight at the pizza place until 11:30 p.m. It is so scary driving my bike home this late at night! I always feel like I am taking a chance. So, I was glad when I made it home safely.
Saturday, November 13, 1982
I called Dave this morning to tell him I couldn’t see him this afternoon like we had planned because I had been called to work. He said he could just pick me up when I was done working. When I got off work Dave and I went rollerskating. I am not very good at it, but it was still fun to have Dave pull me along. It felt like I was out at sea. Sailing away with the sun shining on me and not having a care in the world. It seems that Dave and I are becoming more than just good friends. I wonder how he feels about me. I am so afraid to get hurt.
After we went rollerskating, we went back to my place. When we got there, Rose had already gone to bed. Dave and I sat in the living room and snuggled under a blanket while we talked. Before we knew it, it was 3:30 a.m.! Being so late, Dave was too tired to drive home. I made a bed for him so that he could sleep on the sofa. By the time I got to bed and went to sleep, it was almost 4:00 a.m.
Sunday, November 14, 1982
When I woke up, Dave had already gone home. Rose didn’t want to come to church with me today because she had gotten into a fight with Jeff yesterday. She told me all about it. She blames herself for everything. I wanted to tell her that it wasn’t her fault, and that Jeff was a player. Since I didn’t know how to tell her, I just listened.
Wednesday, November 17, 1982
Dave called at 5:30 p.m. to tell me that he had made a mistake. The concert that he had invited me to, was yesterday. Then he wanted to know if I still wanted him to come over, I told him of course.
I have been wondering about Dave’s and my relationship. I was wondering if we were ever going to be more than just friends. Tonight, I got my answer. Dave and I were sitting in the living room close together. Dave started the conversation and said, “I have thought a lot about our relationship. We both seem to be getting serious about our feelings toward each other, and I am afraid of it because I have always been such a shy person. I have never had many girlfriends and now that I am overcoming my shyness, I still want to date other girls. I don’t want to hurt you. But I am not ready for a serious relationship and, therefore, we should see other people.”
My heart felt like it was breaking into a million pieces. Just then the phone rang. It was George. He wanted to know if I could go out with him tomorrow night. I would have said no, but since the timing was perfect with Dave sitting there saying he wants us to date other people I said, “Oh, Hi George! Oh, yes! I would love to go out with you tomorrow evening.” When I was done with the phone conversation, I could tell it bothered Dave. He wanted to know who George was. I told him he was a really good friend who I have been dating lately. Then Dave said, “If either one of us finds someone we like more, then we have to tell the other.” I agreed to it. I wanted to say, “I don’t want to keep looking. I already know I like you the best by far.” But I just smiled and said, “Okay.”
Dave didn’t leave until it was midnight. As he walked out the door, I could tell that it still bothered him that George had called. He said, “Have fun on your date tomorrow.” I was coming down with a cold so I responded, “If this cold gets any worse, I might not make it.” Dave gave me a big smile as if to say that he hoped I wouldn’t go tomorrow.
When he left I felt so torn. I don’t understand him, and yet, I do. I am glad we can talk things out, and I knew something had to happen since it was obvious we were becoming more than just good friends.
Thursday, November 18, 1982
I was lucky I didn’t have to work today because I was so sick. Later in the day, I called George to tell him I couldn’t go out tonight. He sounded disappointed, but he could tell by my voice that I did not sound good. Later he called back again. I was lucky it was Rose who answered the phone. He wanted to come over, but I told her to tell him I had already gone to bed.
Saturday, November 20, 1982
Dave and his mom came over this morning because they have invited me to go with them to this meeting. It’s called Neo Life. I didn’t want to go because I was still sick, but I went because I knew Dave was going to be there.
Right when Dave came to my door, he said, “I must warn you, we can’t hold hands around my Mom because I don’t feel right about it.” I told him that I understood.
The meeting was a waste of my time. If you ask me, I think it’s a pyramid scheme. I am surprised his mom is involved in this stuff. She seems to think she will make lots of money and wants to get me involved, too. But I am pretty sure it’s not my kind of thing. Before we parted this evening, Dave asked me to call him during the week to let him know what my work schedule was like so that he would know when we could go out next.
Sunday, November 21, 1982
I had hoped to be able to sleep in today since I am still not feeling well. Mom called early this morning to make sure Rose and I are up. I wish I had unplugged the phone last night, especially since Church doesn’t start until 1:00 p.m. Even though I am not living with Mom, she still finds a way to drive me crazy!
After church, Dave came over. I told him I have been asked to give a talk and I wanted to know if he would help me with the spelling. After he had looked over my talk, I could tell that he was surprised at how bad my spelling was. He said he was willing to pay for me to take English lessons. I should have accepted his offer, but I believed that I was stupid and the thought of it freaked me out! I told him we could talk about it later.
While Dave and I were together this evening, he told me that he didn’t love me and then he asked me if I could handle it. What am I supposed to say to that? I wanted to cry, but instead, I said, “Yeah, I can handle it.” Then he said that he was leaving in January for school and if I was still here when he returned, then we could start from where we had left off.
After we had talked for a while, Dave held me in his arms and said, “You know if there weren’t so many complications, I would ask you to marry me right now!” I thought, you just told me that you don’t love me. Are you kidding me? Then I said, “I’ll bet that you are wondering what my answer would be?” He smiled at me and then he said, “Nope!” I smiled back at him as I shook my head.
Dave didn’t leave until it was midnight. For someone who doesn’t love me, he sure likes spending time with me. I wished I didn’t care so much about him. It would make it so much less painful for me!
Monday, November 22, 1982
I had a hard time at work today. I felt so torn apart. I wondered why love has to be so complicated. I wondered if Dave didn’t love me, or if he was trying to kid me and himself.
Tuesday, November 23, 1982
Mom woke me with her phone call. I went over to her place so I could clean. However, after I had eaten breakfast, I went to lie down on Elisabeth’s bed because I was tired and had not slept very well the night before. Before I knew it, I had fallen asleep. I woke up a few hours later because I thought I heard Dave’s voice. I thought that it couldn’t be, so I turned back over to go back to sleep. But I kept hearing his voice. He was at Mom’s place. At first, I was happy to know he was here, but then, I panicked because I was a mess. I hurried into the bathroom to brush my hair. I wish he would have told me he was coming over because then I would have put my make-up on and worn something different.
When I came into the living room, Dave told me I was just the person he had come to see. He asked me if I wanted to go with him because he was going to buy some tickets. The tickets were to reserve our seats for the Rose Day Parade for New Year’s Day. It was to be the last time we were going to be together before he left for Hawaii. Of course, I wanted to come along.
We ended up spending most of the day together. When I got home, Rose was cooking dinner for her and Jeff. They asked me to join them, but I said no thanks. I didn’t want to intrude on their dinner together. I went to my room and started to embroider a bookmark that I am making for Dave’s Christmas calendar.
When I was about to go to bed, I wanted to call Dave just so I could hear his voice. But I didn’t want him to lose respect for me, so I thought I had better not call. Just then, the phone rang. It was Dave. He said he just wanted to hear my voice before he went to bed. We ended up talking for half an hour.
Thursday, November 25, 1982, Thanksgiving
I went with Dave to his family’s Thanksgiving dinner. He has so much family that they met at a church. When we got to the church, he introduced me to his family. They all seemed very nice.
Later in the evening, when Dave drove me home, he came in and we watched T.V. together. He didn’t go home until it was midnight. It seems hard for both of us to part. For someone who says he doesn’t love me, I find it interesting that he wants to spend so much time with me.
Friday, November 26, 1982
While I was cleaning the apartment, Dave called. He told me he was at work, but he just wanted to say hi. We didn’t talk long because he had to get back to work. Dave didn’t ask me out tonight, so I wonder what he is doing. But I didn’t ask. I stayed home and worked more on some things that I am making to put in his calendar.
Sunday, November 28, 1982
Dave came over after church. Tonight he asked me if I had prayed to ask the Lord if we were right for each other. I was surprised he would ask that. I told him I would like to, but I wasn’t going to do that unless we had talked about it and were going to do it together.
He stayed until midnight again. Just before he left, he asked, “If I send you a ticket to wherever I am, will you come?” I answered, “Yes.” Then he said, “I will let you know when we should pray if we are right for each other”.
I had a hard time falling asleep. I don’t get him. He tells me that he doesn’t want to get tied down, yet he seems to have an inner struggle going on with himself.
Wednesday, December 1, 1982
I check the mail every day to see if there might be a letter for me. Dave knows I do this, and today he sent me a very sweet letter. It reads, “I know you look for mail every day so here is a letter for you.” It was so thoughtful of him and it made my day.
Later in the day, he called to invite me out to dinner. When he came over, I gave him the calendar that I had made for him. He seemed very surprised to see all the trouble I have gone through to make it for him. I told him since it was the first of December he could open up the first present.
We had a nice evening together. Dave ended up staying again until it was almost midnight.
Saturday, December 4, 1982
This week, Dave has spent as much time with me as he can. This evening he told me that he was ready to pray to see if we are meant for each other. We talked about it for a while, and then he said that he would let me know next week when we could pray and fast about it.
Sunday, December 5, 1982
Tonight Dave said something that hurt me. He said, “You know if the Lord says no to our prayer, then I won’t marry you, because I will do whatever the Lord wants.” At first, I didn’t know what to say back, because he had said it out of nowhere. Then I responded, “Good for you!” I don’t understand why he would say that, because if we didn’t intend to obey whatever answer we got, then what was the purpose of praying in the first place?
I wish I didn’t care so much about him. He makes me feel like I am going to lose my mind. This is not how I had imagined it should be if you are in love.
Wednesday, December 8, 1982
After work today, Dave called. He asked if I wanted to go with him to buy some shoes. When he came over, we went to a few different places to see if he could find what he wanted.
While we were together this evening I kept waiting for him to say something about us praying to see if we are right for each other, but he never said one word about it. Later when we were at my place, we sat and talked for a while about everyday things. Since Dave never said anything about fasting and praying, I didn’t either. I just thought it was strange he never brought it up.
Thursday, December 9, 1982
I took the bus to Vest Covina this morning because Dave’s mom has asked if I would come clean for her today since I have the day off from the restaurant.
The day went slowly and it seemed very long. Dave wasn’t there because he had gone skiing with a friend. I helped Lisa make dinner, but Dave never came home. He finally called to let us know he would be late. When he came home, it was 8:00 p.m. He was afraid I would be mad at him, but I wasn’t because I knew this would be his last chance to go skiing with his friend before he leaves. Then Dave wanted to take me to see a movie but I could tell that he was tired. I told him it was okay if we went and saw a movie another time.
When we got to my place, Dave said he was ready to have a prayer and for us to start our fast together. We went to my room so that we could be alone to pray. Dave said the prayer. It was very spiritual and he cried. I felt kind of numb. I feel like it will never come to pass. I guess it’s because I know I love him, but I am not sure if he truly loves me.
After the prayer, we hugged. Dave said we should see each other Saturday for breakfast because by then we should know our answer. We could talk things over and then take it from there.
Friday, December 10, 1982
I was excited about seeing Dave again! I got up early to clean up my apartment and then I went out and bought a brand-new skirt with a vest and a jacket. I don’t have much money, but the outfit was on sale. I felt blessed to have just enough money to be able to buy it. I want to look nice for when we go out and eat breakfast tomorrow. I sewed a button on my white silk shirt that I will be wearing and I painted my nails. I worked on every last detail because I wanted everything perfect.
At around 5:00 p.m., Dave called. He told me that he felt down and at this point, he doubted if he should marry me. He also told me that he was going to the Temple tonight to find his answer. But, to me, it sounded more like he didn’t want to go because he didn’t want to know. I tried to cheer him up and I told him that I loved him, but he did not respond. He never said I love you back like he usually did. I had been in such a good mood all day and had looked forward to tomorrow. But after this phone call my heart was broken. “Why did he have to call and tell me this?”
I went into my room and read about 6 chapters in The Book of Mormon. Then I listened to two tapes which have talks from the General Authorities. Elisabeth came over because she was going to spend the night. It was nice to have her here. Rose, Elisabeth, and I spent the rest of the evening together watching T.V. while I crocheted some hearts that I am giving away for Christmas.
Saturday, December 11, 1982
I got up and got ready for my date this morning. I was not looking forward to breakfast at all! When Dave came, I was surprised to see that he was not dressed up. Usually, when we have a date planned, he always looks so nice, but not today. Then I went and got changed so that I wouldn’t feel stupid being so dressed up while he was just wearing his old clothes.
Before we went out, he wanted to talk. He told me that he felt his answer was yes, that we were to marry. I never really felt an answer. I thought when you prayed about something major like this the answer should be loud and clear, but after what’s happened I just feel empty. I didn’t tell Dave that, I figured that if he got the answer in the Temple that it was yes, then that would be my answer also.
I had cross-stitched a map of Denmark for myself. But now that I was going out with Dave, I had put a pearl in each city where Dave had served while he was on his mission in Denmark. It had taken me hours to make. I thought this would make a perfect engagement present for him. Dave seemed happy about it. I knew he had bought a necklace while he was on his mission for whoever he would someday marry. For some reason, I thought he was going to give it to me, but instead, Dave just sat there looking lost.
Then he said that he still wanted to see others to compare me with. What? I was so confused! Why would he ask me to marry him, when he still wanted to see others? Just last Sunday, Dave had said that he would do whatever the Lord wanted him to do. Dave says he got his answer and now he still wants to go out with others so he has someone to compare me with. Are you kidding me?
I felt so lost. I started to cry. Then I told him I understood that he wanted to see others since he has not dated very many girls in his life. I told him I wouldn’t see others because I didn’t feel right about it. I would give him the time I thought he needed to find out. I also told him not to wait too long to find out because then I might not still be here and it would be too late.
When we got to the restaurant, neither one of us said very much. By now I wasn’t hungry at all. When we had eaten and were back at my place again, Dave asked, “Are you still willing to fight for me?” I answered, “Yes.” Then I asked him the same. His response was, “Well, yes, but not right now.”
After Dave left, I was so confused and went over and over what had been said while we were together. I felt I had just lost my best friend and all the comfort and support that Dave used to give me.
I felt like crying, but I knew it would do no good. I had already cried in front of Dave this morning when we had our little talk before breakfast. I didn’t cry to get him to feel sorry for me, but because I didn’t know how else to react to it all.
Right before I went to work, I sat down and wrote Dave a letter. By now, my thoughts seemed clearer to me. I wrote that I thought it all through and that it was best we called the whole thing off. I ended my letter by saying, “If you won’t fight for me now, what makes you think that you would later on?”
At work, it was really busy. I usually do my best to keep up, but tonight I didn’t care. However, I did feel a lot better about calling the whole thing off with Dave. I knew that I would hurt for a little while, but I also knew that I would get over it.
When I got off work, I was hoping Rose would be home, but she wasn’t. The phone rang. If Rose would have been home, I would have asked her to answer it and tell whoever it was that I had gone to bed. I was just going to let it ring, but then I figured it might be Mom and if I didn’t answer the phone, she would be worried about me. Besides, since it was so late, it was most likely her calling to check up on me.
To my surprise, it was Dave. I tried to sound normal so that he couldn’t tell that I had been crying. I didn’t have much to say to him except that I wasn’t going out with him on Tuesday like we had planned, and that he would be getting a letter in the mail with my explanation. Dave said, “Sounds serious. Can I come over?” I answered, “No.” Then he responded, “Don’t you think we should talk about this?” I thought, yes, maybe it would be best to tell him face-to-face that it was over.
Dave showed up in no time at all! Then he said, “Before you give me the letter, let me just tell you that I am sorry for what I said this morning. I was a fool for saying that I wanted to see others. Can you forgive me?” I answered yes, through my tears.” Then Dave asked, “Where is my letter?” I told him it wasn’t important anymore and I was going to throw it away.
After we had made up, Dave got out the necklace that he had bought for his future wife while he was in Europe. He put it around my neck and asked if I would become his wife. I answered “Yes.” He also made me a commitment that he would only go out with me. Then we hugged for a long time.
Dave stayed for a while and we talked, but he never said anything about what day we should marry or anything about an engagement ring. I didn’t want to be the one to bring it up. Hopefully, I will know what day we plan to marry before he leaves for Hawaii. I also hoped he would give me a ring by then.
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