Doubts Chapter 44

Sunday, December 12, 1982

After church, I called up Dave to see if he would go with me to a fireside tonight. He said he was going to stay home and write Christmas cards. I ended up going with Jeff and Rose. When I got there, Jace asked me if I wanted to go to a dance with him next week. I wanted to tell him that I had gotten engaged, but I didn’t since I didn’t have a ring. Instead, I thanked him for the offer and said I usually work on weekends, which is true.

Friday, December 17, 1982

Dave asked if I have been asked out on dates lately. I told him I have. Then he asked me if I was telling people that we were engaged. I told him I felt dumb saying anything about it since I didn’t have a ring. Instead, I just turn down the offers I get. When Dave heard this, he said, “We’d better go get you a ring.”

Before we left, Dave gave me his Christmas present because he was going to Colorado with his family. His gift was a beautiful lamp that he had made, along with a poem that he had written just for me. I gave him my gift, too. It was a vest I had knitted.

This afternoon, we must have looked at a hundred different wedding bands. Dave wants us to have matching wedding rings, but we couldn’t find one that we both liked. His mom says I shouldn’t have a diamond because it wouldn’t look good on my hand. She thinks my fingers are too short. I thought it was rude of her to say, but I didn’t say anything. I had kind of hoped for a diamond engagement ring. But if it’s matching wedding bands he wants, that’s what I’ll agree to.

Saturday, December 18, 1982

Dave came over this morning, and we went looking at wedding rings again. This time, we found a set that we both liked.

When I got off work tonight, I was tired from a busy evening. I was looking forward to going straight to bed. Just as I was getting ready for bed, Jace called. He asked me if I was getting married. I asked, “How did you know?” He answered, “Oh, I was just guessing. Well, if you are taken, then I don’t want to talk to you.” I told him we could still be friends. Then he asked me if he could borrow my book about poems. I told him he was welcome to it.

When Jace came over to get the book, Rose and Jeff were here. When Jeff left, Jace was still here, so Rose sat up with us because she didn’t think it was appropriate that Jace was here now that I am engaged.

While Rose was sitting up with us, she fell asleep. Once Rose was asleep, Jace said, “You know I was hoping you would still be here when I got back from my mission, but I also knew it wouldn’t be fair of me to ask you to wait such a long time.” As Jace left, he said, “I wish you would wait for me. But since it’s not to be, I’ll wish you the best of luck in life at whatever you do.” I thanked him and wished him the best of luck in his life as well. By now, I was exhausted, so I went straight to bed.

Sunday, December 19, 1982

I went with Dave to his ward today. While we were together, I thought about telling him that Jace had come over last night. But I was afraid of how Dave would take it; I thought it wasn’t necessary to tell him, since Jace and I had never done anything wrong.

When we got to my place, and Dave was about to go home, Rose told him that Jace had been over late last night. I couldn’t believe she had just done this to me! It’s as if she wanted us to get into a fight. Dave and I went to his car to talk because now I had some explaining to do.

I could tell he was hurt, so I told him I didn’t think it was important to tell him, since I hadn’t done anything wrong. Tonight was the last time I would see Dave, because he is leaving for Colorado tomorrow morning. I hated having to part this way. But he seemed to be okay with it, as long as I promised not to hide anything from him again.

Before I went to bed, I wanted to tell Rose I didn’t think it was nice of her to tell Dave that Jace had been here. I was so mad at her, and I was afraid I was going to explode.

I didn’t say anything; the damage was already done. Instead, I went to bed without saying anything to her.

Wednesday, December 22, 1982

Before I went to work today, I stopped by to see how Mom was doing, since she had called to say she was sad. When I got to her place, she started to cry. She said she was upset because I was getting married and she didn’t like it here. I didn’t know what to tell her.

She has always thought the world of Dave. Now she was telling me that he was all wrong for me. She doesn’t want me to get married, and gave me a guilt trip over it! I just didn’t get it!

I told her I’d still be here for a while and that I’d help her paint her kitchen any color she wanted, so this place would feel more like hers.

I don’t know why I felt so responsible for her happiness.

I learned years later in therapy that it was because I am the caretaker in our relationship, and when you are abused, you often want to please the abuser because you hope the abuse will stop.

I also learned when I was put under hypnosis that as young as age 3, my mom would cry to get her way, and then she would say to me, “You don’t want mom to be sad, do you?!” Because of that, without knowing it, I had become responsible for her happiness. It was my duty to fix whatever happened so that Mom wouldn’t cry.

Friday, December 24, 1982

Eddie and Robbie want the traditional American Christmas that they are used to. Mom and Beth want a traditional Danish Christmas. So, they compromised and opened half the presents tonight and the other half tomorrow morning. I don’t like going home when it’s dark, so I slept next to Beth tonight.

Saturday, December 25, 1982

I was surprised because Mom gave me a stocking from Dave. He had asked her to hide it and then give it to me Christmas morning. It was filled with candy, nuts, and a dictionary. Ugh…I’m guessing the dictionary is to help me with my spelling.

After breakfast, Dave called. It was so good to hear his voice again. It sounded like he misses me as much as I miss him.

Wednesday, December 29, 1982

Rose wants to get married, but Jeff doesn’t. So, they broke up tonight.

Thursday, December 30, 1982

I had to work until 10:00 p.m. I knew Dave was coming home this evening. I was hoping that he would call me before I went to bed. When I got home from work, he was here waiting for me. He told me he had tried to pick me up from work, but the doors were locked. He didn’t know he could go through the back to get me. It was so good to see him again!

Friday, December 31, 1982

Dave and I spent the day together, and in the evening we went to a New Year’s dance. Before we went to the dance, Dave thought he should warn me because he was sure there would be lots of girls he knew who would want to talk to him. He didn’t want me to feel bad about having to stand there and listen to them talk.

It was funny because it turned out just the opposite. Not one girl came to talk to Dave. There were, however, lots of guys who came up and talked to me and wanted to know why they hadn’t seen me at any dances for so long. Even Jace and Jeff were there, and they, too, came up to talk to me.

I was glad Dave had warned me that I might be standing there while he talked, because now I didn’t feel bad about having him stand there while I visited with the guys I knew.

When the dance was over, I could tell Dave was bothered about having to stand around while I visited with my friends. I thought it served him right for being so arrogant.

After the dance, we went to my place. Dave was going to sleep in the living room. But we ended up talking all night instead. I guess we both didn’t want the night to end, because he would be off to Hawaii soon.

Saturday, January 1, 1983

The Rose Day parade was very impressive! When it was over, we went to Dave’s house, and I helped him pack. From there, we went to Ed’s place so that he could say goodbye to everyone. Then we went to my place, where I had a special dinner planned for us.

Rose knew this and told me she would be sure to go to her mom’s place so we could have the apartment to ourselves, since it was our last evening together.

When Rose saw this, she said she had changed her mind and wasn’t going to her mom’s after all. Then she turned on the TV loudly in the living room. The living room is connected to the kitchen, so it was kind of awkward.

Dave felt bad for Rose, so he asked me to invite her eat with us. I didn’t want to, but I did anyway, since I was sure she would say no. Instead, she sat down at the table in no time, with a fork in hand.

The table was only set for two, so I had to get out another plate, cup, and silverware. I could not believe she was doing this to me! Here we were, the three of us sitting at a candle-lit table having dinner together. Not how I had imagined it!

When dinner was over, she went back to her seat and watched TV while I cleaned up the kitchen and did the dishes. Dave offered to help, but I told him I knew he was tired and that he should sit down and rest.

When I was done, I made a bed for Dave on the sofa and one for me on the floor, so I could sleep next to him. Rose knew we had been up all night and were both tired. I thought she would go to bed, but she stayed in the living room with the TV turned up, while we tried to go to sleep.

When it got late, neither Dave nor I had been able to fall asleep, so I asked Rose if she would mind turning down the TV. She turned it down, but only a little. Dave and I were tired, so we finally fell asleep.

Sunday, January 2, 1983

At 4:00 a.m., Dave woke up and told me he would be back at 9:30 a.m. to pick me up so I could go with him to the airport and see him off. I was still tired, but I never fell back asleep. Instead, I cleaned up the apartment, took a shower, and got ready to go. Before I knew it, Dave was back with his mom to pick me up. His Mom drove us to the airport, where we saw him off.

When I got home, I found a note in my purse that Dave had left for me. It said he knew I would wait for him and that I didn’t need to worry because he would be faithful to me while he was away.

Thursday, January 6, 1983

Ever since Dave left, I have been going to work and spending my spare time at Mom’s, painting her kitchen. It’s a huge job!

Today, Lisa asked me to come clean for her. It’s kind of strange to be there now that Dave is gone. His mom seems thrilled about the wedding, even more than I am. I would probably be more excited about it if I knew the day we were getting married.

Lisa showed me her wedding dress and asked if I liked it. I told her I thought it was pretty. Then she excitedly told me I was to wear it for my wedding. For a split second, I was filled with horror and panicked. It was from the 60s, out of style, and I could tell that there was no way my boobs were going to fit. I didn’t know what to say, so it got awkward.

I did my best to tell her that we should wait to talk about it until a wedding date was set.

Sunday, January 9, 1983

Before Church started, I went over to Ed’s place because it was Grandma’s birthday. She is 82 today. Mom is going to call her, and then I will get a chance to talk to her, too.

When I talked to Grandma, I asked her if she remembered who Dave Kalani was. I didn’t think she would remember him because she can never remember the Elders once they have left our town. To my surprise, she said she could remember him from the moment she first saw him. She added she had always thought he was such a nice Elder. It was nice to talk to Grandma. I wished she didn’t have to live so far away.

After Church, Jace took his sister and me to a fireside. At the start of every fireside, they always ask if any couples recently gotten engaged. I wasn’t going to say anything, but since Valarie, Jace, Rose, and a few others knew, they all pointed to me.

I whispered to Valarie, “I feel stupid standing alone. Besides, I don’t have a wedding date.” She whispered back, “Just make one up; no one will remember anyway.” I got up and announced that I was from the Rosemead Ward and that the wedding would be in the Los Angeles Temple, probably on August 5, of this year. I couldn’t wait to sit back down. Then they asked me who the lucky fellow was. I answered “Dave Kalani… I think.” It made everyone laugh. Oh, I was glad to sit back down again.

This is not how I envisioned announcing my engagement. It felt wrong, like it would never happen. It also made me realize that not only had we never talked about a date, but I wasn’t even sure which Temple we would be getting married in.

Thursday, January 13, 1983

I have been writing Dave often since he left. It’s hard for me to write because I am so self-conscious about my spelling, but I don’t want anyone to help me spell-check. He will just have to deal with it. I have not gotten a letter in return. I am beginning to wonder if he has forgotten about me.

I keep myself busy painting for Mom and working. I have been so tired lately because it’s hard to keep up with everything. I make sure the apartment is clean when I leave in the morning, but when I return home at night, there are dishes piled in the sink, and Rose’s stuff is all over the place. I am getting tired of having her as a roommate. I don’t want to fight with her, so I’m still polite towards her and pretend everything is fine.

Friday, January 14, 1983

I got two long letters from Dave today. It looks like he hasn’t forgotten me after all.

Saturday, January 15, 1983

Rose and Jeff must have made up because, when I got home this evening, Rose had made dinner for Jeff. It looked like she recated the dinner I had made for Dave. She had even set the table with my two fancy glasses and my candle on the table. They had just finished their dinner and left everything on the table.

She already had two days’ worth of dishes piled high in the sink. Now that she had cooked dinner, the stove was splattered and greasy. The kitchen was a total mess!

She and Jeff were in the living room with the lights off. I was about to go to bed when I saw the kitchen was a disaster, so I started cleaning it.

Wow, that was quite a job!

I must have disturbed them because Jeff left, and Rose went into her bedroom and slammed the door. It wasn’t my intention to bother them, but I hated to see the kitchen in such a mess. I didn’t care if I had disturbed them. That’s what she gets for not respecting me the last time Dave and I were together. I wish there weren’t so much contention between us.

Sunday, January 16, 1983

Rose is not speaking to me, but I pretend everything is fine because we still have to live together. I thought that when I got to Church, Jeff would be mad at me too, but, on the contrary. He is so friendly towards me, and this only seemed to make Rose more upset with me.

After church, Mom’s lawyer called. He told me that Dave and I need to get married as soon as possible because it would be so much easier for me to stay in the county. When I got off the phone, I sat down and started to write to Dave. I was so uncomfortable writing the letter that I gave up. Ed offered to write the letter for me. I felt uneasy about it and wasn’t sure Dave would understand.

Thursday, January 20, 1983

I got up at 5:00 a.m. and was in a good mood. I got a lot done, and I am ready for the day. But it all changed when I went to work for Dave’s mom. When I got there, everything seemed fine. Then Lisa told me that Dave’s Dad had called from Hawaii. He called because he was concerned about Dave’s engagement. He wanted to know more about who I was. Lisa told me a little about what they had talked about. I kind of wished she hadn’t, but then again, I am glad she did.

His Dad has been doing everything he can to talk Dave out of getting married until he is done with school, which will probably be in another two years. Dave must have told his Mom and Dad about my spelling, because they both seem worried that I’m not very smart. Lisa also told me it was important that I go to school so I could talk to him on his level, so he wouldn’t get tired of me.

I started to cry. I didn’t mean to. I just felt so bad about myself. Then she added that I needed to take English and etiquette classes. I didn’t even know what etiquette meant. It sounded like I needed this class so I wouldn’t embarrass him in public. I also needed to take classes on politics, because that’s what their son loved talking about. Great! Just what I always wanted. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

Here I was crying while Lisa kept trying to get me to see the logic. Then she added, “If Dave one day becomes the Prophet of our Church, then you will be asked to give talks too, and if you take classes, you will have something smart to say when you give your talks.” I was shocked! I thought to myself, she did not just say she thought he might become The Prophet someday! I did not know how to respond, so I kept listening as she kept talking.

She told me that his Dad wanted to meet me in person before he could even begin to approve of our relationship. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, Lisa told me I needed to lose weight and eat healthier. I had to clean out my body because of all the junk food I had eaten all my life, because she wanted healthy grandchildren. By now, I was no longer listening to what she was saying because my head was overloaded. It was something about me going with her tomorrow to a health-food class.

At 4:00 pm, I took the bus back home. By now, I felt like a big fat blimp that was filled with nothing but junk food and had absolutely no brain. Then I thought about something Dave had said to me just before he left for Hawaii. He had asked me to learn to spell one word a day. I had told him I would. He then said, “If you don’t, what are you going to do when our kids find out that their mom can’t spell?” It had hurt me when he had asked that, but now it hurt even worse.

I had to pull myself together because I still had to work at the restaurant until late. I tried to forget about it, and I did my best to push Dave aside as I worked. While I was at work, they asked me if I could work tomorrow evening also. I quickly said yes. Now I have an excuse not to go with Lisa to that health class tomorrow evening.

I am so thankful for my job and the people I work with. I was able to set my problems aside, even if only for a few hours. When I was done with work, I went over to Ed’s place. I told Mom what Lisa had said to me. It must have bothered me more than I realized, because when I talked about it, I started crying. Mom made me feel even worse. She told me she didn’t blame his mom and dad for not wanting me to be their daughter-in-law. She said, “You will be lucky to ever get married!”

Ed overheard what I had said to Mom. He motioned for me to come into the other room with him. To my astonishment, he said the things I needed to hear.

He said, “You may be the hired help, but you earn your money through hard work and honesty. Anyone who knows you should be proud to have you as their daughter-in-law!” He also said that when you give a talk in church, it’s not how much schooling you have or how smart you are that makes it a good talk, but the Spirit. He added, “It matters more to be close to God than anything else, and that is what you are!” Ed said a lot more things. Everything that he said, I needed to hear.

I stayed and joined them for family prayer. Ed gave the prayer. In his prayer, he prayed for me. It was a very beautiful prayer, just what I needed. When he finished the prayer, he hugged me and told me to remember that he loved me. I felt I mattered and would be okay.

When I got home, Rose was upset because she was planning a fireside and no one seemed to want to come. I listened to her for a bit and tried to show empathy, hoping it would help our relationship. Then I went into my room and wrote down everything that was racing through my head so I could sleep. It was five pages. Then I threw it out because I was afraid Dave would find it. I felt so much better about myself.

I want Dave’s family to accept me for who I am, not for who they wish I were. If the marriage doesn’t take place, I’m okay with it. After I finished writing, I fell asleep.

I am so grateful for everything Ed said to me. Without him, this day would have been unbearable!