Sunday, December 12, 1982
After church, I called up Dave to see if he would go with me to a fireside tonight. He said he was going to stay home and write Christmas cards. I ended up going with Jeff and Rose. When I got there, Jace asked me if I wanted to go to a dance with him next week. I wanted to tell him that I had gotten engaged, but I didn’t since I didn’t have a ring. Instead, I thanked him for the offer and told him I usually work on the weekends, which is true.
Friday, December 17, 1982
Dave asked if I have been asked out on dates lately. I told him I have. Then he asked me if I was telling people that we were engaged. I told him I felt silly saying anything about it since I didn’t have a ring. Instead, I just turn down the offers I get. When Dave heard this, he said, “We better go get you a ring.”
Before we left, Dave gave me his Christmas present because he will be going with his family to spend Christmas in Colorado. His gift was a beautiful lamp that he had made along with a poem that he had written just for me. I gave him my gift, too. It was a vest I had knitted for him.
Tonight we must have looked at a hundred different wedding bands. Dave wants us to have matching wedding rings, but we couldn’t find one that we both liked. His mom says I shouldn’t have a diamond because it wouldn’t look good on my hand because she thinks my fingers are too short. I that was so good of her to say, but I didn’t say anything. I had kind of hoped for a diamond engagement ring. But if it’s matching wedding bands he wants, that’s what I’ll agree to.
Saturday, December 18, 1982
Dave came over this morning and we went looking at wedding bands again. This time we found a set that we both liked. Now we are officially engaged!
When I got off work tonight, I was tired because it had been a very busy evening. I was looking forward to going straight to bed. Just as I was getting ready for bed, Jace called. He asked me if I was getting married. I asked, “How did you know?” He answered, “Oh, I was just guessing. Well, if you are taken then I don’t want to talk to you.” I told him we could still be friends. Then he asked me if he could borrow my book about poems. I told him it would be fine.
When Jace came over to get the book, Rose and Jeff were here. When Jeff left, Jace was still here, so Rose sat up with us because she didn’t think it was appropriate that Jace was here now that I am engaged. While Rose was sitting up with us, she fell asleep. Once Rose was asleep, Jace said, “You know I was hoping you would still be here when I got back from my mission, but I also knew it wouldn’t be fair of me to ask you to wait such a long time.” As Jace left, he said, “I wish you would wait for me. But since it’s not to be, I’ll wish you the best of luck in life at whatever you do.” I thanked Jace and went to bed because, by now, I was exhausted
Sunday, December 19, 1982
I went with Dave to his ward today. While we were together, I thought about telling him that Jace had come over last night. But I was afraid of how Dave would take it, I thought it wasn’t necessary to tell him since Jace and I never did anything wrong.
When we got to my place and Dave was about to go home, Rose told him that Jace had been over late last night. I couldn’t believe she had just done this to me. It’s as if she wanted us to get into a fight. Dave and I went to his car to talk because now I had some explaining to do.
I could tell that I had hurt him, I told him I didn’t think it was important to tell him since I didn’t do anything wrong. Tonight was the last time I will see Dave because he is leaving for Colorado tomorrow morning. I hated having to part this way. But he seemed to be okay with it, as long as I promised not to hide anything from him ever again.
Before I went to bed, I wanted to tell Rose I didn’t think it was nice of her to tell Dave that Jace had been here. But I didn’t since the damage was already done. Instead, I went to bed without saying anything to her.
Wednesday, December 22, 1982
Before I went to work today, I went over to see how Mom was doing because she had called to tell me that she was sad. When I got to her place, she started to cry. She said she was upset because I was getting married and she didn’t like it here. She also said a lot of other things about how she felt about me getting married. I didn’t know what to tell her. It’s as if she doesn’t want me to get married and she was giving me a guilt trip over it. I told her I was still going to be here for a while, and I would help her paint her kitchen any color she wanted so this place would feel more like hers.
I don’t know why I felt so responsible for her happiness. I learned later in therapy it was because I am the caretaker in our relationship, and when you are abused, you often want to please the abuser because you hope the abuse will stop.
Friday, December 24, 1982
Eddie and Robbie want the traditional American Christmas that they are used to. Mom and Elisabeth want a traditional Danish Christmas. So, they compromised and opened half the presents tonight and the other half tomorrow morning. I don’t like going home when it’s dark, so I slept next to Elisabeth tonight.
Saturday, December 25, 1982
I was surprised because Mom gave me a stocking from Dave. He had asked her to hide it and then give it to me Christmas morning. It was filled with candy, nuts, and a dictionary. I’m guessing the dictionary is to help me with my spelling.
When we had eaten breakfast, Dave called. It was so good to hear his voice again. It sounded like he misses me as much as I miss him.
Wednesday, December 29, 1982
Rose wants to get married, but Jeff doesn’t. So, they broke up tonight.
Thursday, December 30, 1982
I had to work until 10:00 p.m. I knew Dave was coming home this evening. I was hoping that he would call me before I went to bed. When I got home from work he was here waiting for me. He told me he had tried to pick me up from work but the doors were locked. He didn’t know he could go through the back to get me. It was so good to see him again!
Friday, December 31, 1982
Dave and I spent the day together and, in the evening, we went to a New Year’s dance. Before we went to the dance, Dave thought he should warn me because he was sure there would be lots of girls he knew who would want to talk to him. He didn’t want me to feel bad if I had to stand there and listen to them talk.
It was funny because it turned out just the opposite. Not one girl came to talk to Dave. There were lots of people who came up and talked to me and wanted to know why they haven’t seen me at any dances for so long. Even Jace and Jeff were there and they, too, came up to talk to me. I was glad that Dave had warned me that I might be standing there while he talked because now I didn’t feel so bad having him stand there while I visited with the people I knew.
When the dance was over, Dave was going to sleep at my place but we ended up talking all night instead. I guess we both didn’t want the night to end because soon he would be off for Hawaii.
Saturday, January 1, 1983
The Rose Day parade was very impressive! When it was over, we went to Dave’s house and I helped him pack. From there, we went to Ed’s place so that he could say goodbye to everyone. Then we went to my place where I had a very special dinner planned for us. Rose knew this and told me that she would be sure to go to her mom’s place so that we could have the place to ourselves since it was our last evening together.
When we got to my place, Rose was still there. I set the table nicely with two special glasses that I had bought just for tonight and a candle to go with it. When Rose saw this she said that she had changed her mind and that she wasn’t going to her mom’s after all. Then she turned on the T.V. loud in the living room. The living room is connected to the kitchen, so it was kind of awkward.
Dave felt bad for Rose, so he asked me to invite her to eat with us, which I did. I was sure she would say no, but she sat down at the table in no time, with a fork in hand. The table was only set for two so I had to get out another plate, cup, and silverware. I could not believe she was doing this to us. Here we were the three of us sitting at a candle-lit table having dinner together. Not how I had imagined it!
When dinner was over, she went and sat back down and watched T.V. while I cleaned up the kitchen and did the dishes. Dave offered to help, but I told him I knew he was tired and that he should sit down and rest.
When I was done, I made a bed for Dave so he could sleep on the sofa and a bed for me on the floor, so that I could sleep next to him. Rose knew we had been up all night and were both very tired, but she proceeded to stay in the living room with us and the T.V. on very loud while we were trying to go to sleep. When it got to be late, neither Dave nor I had been able to fall asleep, so I asked Rose if she would mind turning down the T.V. She turned it down, but not very much. Dave and I were tired so we finally managed to fall asleep.
At 4:00 a.m. Dave woke up and told me that he would be back again at 9:30 a.m. to pick me up so that I could go with him to the airport and see him off.
Sunday, January 2, 1983
After Dave left, I was still very tired, but I never went back to sleep. Instead, I cleaned up the whole apartment, took a shower, and got ready to go. Before I knew it, Dave was back with his mom to get me. His Mom drove us to the airport, where we saw him off.
When I got home, I found a note in my purse that Dave had left for me. It said he knew I would wait for him and for me not to worry because he would be faithful to me while he was away.
Thursday, January 6, 1983
Ever since Dave left, I have been going to work and spending my spare time going over to Mom’s place to repaint her kitchen for her. It’s a huge job!
Today Lisa asked me to come clean for her. It’s kind of strange to be there now that Dave is gone. His mom seems thrilled about the wedding, even more than I am. I would probably be more excited about it if I knew what day we would be getting married.
Sunday, January 9, 1983
Before Church started, I went over to Ed’s place because it was Grandma’s birthday. She is 82 today. Mom is going to call her and then I will get a chance to talk to her, too. When I talked to Grandma, I asked her if she remembered who Dave Kalani was. I didn’t think she would remember him because she can never remember the Elders once they have left our town. To my surprise, she said she could remember him from the first time she saw him. She added she had always thought he was such a nice Elder. It was nice to talk to Grandma. I wished she didn’t have to live so far away.
After Church, Jace took me and his sister to a fireside. At the start of every fireside, they always ask if any couples recently got engaged. I wasn’t going to say anything, but since Valarie, Jace, Rose and a few others knew, they all pointed to me. I whispered to Valarie, “I feel stupid standing alone. Besides, I don’t have a wedding date.” She whispered back, “Just make one up, no one will remember anyway.” I got up and announced that I was from the Rosemead Ward and that the wedding will be in the Las Angeles Temple probably on August 5, of this year. I couldn’t wait to sit back down. Then they asked me who the lucky fellow was. I answered “Dave Kalani… I think.” It made everyone laugh. Oh, I was glad when I could sit back down again.
This is not how I envisioned announcing my engagement. It felt wrong like it was never going to happen. It also made me realize that not only had we never talked about a date, but I wasn’t even sure what Temple we would be getting married in.
Thursday, January 13, 1983
I have been writing Dave often since he left. It’s hard for me to write because I am so self-conscious about my spelling, but since I don’t want anyone to help me spell-check, he will just have to deal with how I spell. I have not gotten a letter in return. I am beginning to wonder if he has forgotten about me.
I keep myself busy painting for Mom and working. I have been so tired lately because it’s hard to keep up with everything. I make sure when I leave in the morning that the apartment is clean, but when I return home at night, there are dishes piled in the sink and Rose’s stuff is all over the place. I am getting tired of having her as a roommate. I don’t want to fight with her, so I’m still polite towards her and pretend everything is fine.
Friday, January 14, 1983
I got two long letters from Dave today. It looks like he hasn’t forgotten me after all.
Saturday, January 15, 1983
Rose and Jeff must have made up because, when I got home this evening, Rose had made dinner for Jeff. She already had two day’s worth of dishes piled high and now that she had cooked dinner tonight, the stove was a mess as well!
She and Jeff were in the living room with the lights off. I was going to go to bed, but when I saw the kitchen in such chaos, I started to clean it. Wow, that was quite a job. I must have disturbed them because Jeff left and Rose went into her bedroom and slammed the door. She got pretty mad at me. It wasn’t my intention to bother them, but I hated to see the kitchen look so scary. I didn’t care if I had disturbed them. That’s what she gets for not respecting me the last time Dave and I were together. I just wish that there didn’t have to be this contention between us.
Sunday, January 16, 1983
Rose is not speaking to me, but I pretend everything is fine because we still have to live together. I thought when I got to Church that Jeff would be mad at me too, but on the contrary, he is so friendly towards me, and this only seemed to make Rose more upset with me.
After church, Mom’s lawyer called. He told me that Dave and I need to get married as soon as possible because it would be so much easier for me to stay in the county. When I got off the phone I sat down and started to write to Dave. I was so uncomfortable writing the letter that I gave up. Ed offered to write the letter for me. I felt so uneasy about it and I sure hope Dave would understand.
Thursday, January 20, 1983
I got up at 5:00 a.m. and was in such a good mood. I got lots of things done and ready for the day. But it all changed when I went to work for Dave’s mom. When I got there, everything seemed fine. Then Lisa told me that Dave’s Dad had called from Hawaii. He called because he was very concerned about Dave being engaged. He wanted to know more about who I was. Lisa told me a little about what they had talked about. I kind of wished she hadn’t, but then again I am glad she did.
His Dad has been doing everything he can to talk Dave out of getting married until he was done with school, which will probably be in another two years. Dave must have told his Mom and Dad about my spelling because they both seem worried about me not being very smart. Lisa also told me it was important that I go to school so that I could talk to him on his level and so that he wouldn’t get tired of me.
I started to cry. I didn’t mean to. I just felt so bad about myself. Then she said added that I needed to take English classes and classes on etiquette. I didn’t even know what etiquette meant. It sounded like I needed this class so that I wouldn’t embarrass him when we were in public. And classes on politics, because that’s what their son loved talking about. Great! Just want I always wanted. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
Here I was crying while Lisa was trying to help me see the logic. She said, “If Dave one day becomes the Prophet of our Church, then you will be asked to give talks too, and if you take classes you would have something smart to say when you gave your talks.” My mouth dropped as I thought to myself, she didn’t just say she thought he might become the next Prophet! I did not know how to respond to that, so I continued to listen to what she had to say.
She also told me that his Dad wanted to meet me in person before he could even begin to approve of our relationship. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, Lisa told me it was important for me to lose weight and eat healthier. I had to clean out my body because of all the junk food I had eaten all my life because she wanted healthy grandchildren. By now I was no longer listening to what she was saying because my head was overloaded. It was something about me going with her tomorrow to some kind of health food class.
When it was 4:00 pm, I took the bus back home again. By now I felt like a big fat blimp that was filled with nothing but junk food and had absolutely no brain. Then I remembered something Dave had said just before he had left for Hawaii and that was, “What are you going to do when our kids find out that their mom can’t spell?” It had hurt me when he had asked it, but now it hurt even worse.
I had to pull myself together because I still had to work at the restaurant until late. I tried to forget about it and I did my best to push Dave aside as I worked. While I was at work, they asked me if I could work tomorrow evening also. I quickly said yes. Now I had an excuse not to go with Lisa to that health class tomorrow evening.
I am so thankful for my job and the people who I work with. I was able to set my problems aside, even if it was just for a few hours. When I was done with work, I went over to Ed’s place. I told Mom what Lisa had said to me. It must have bothered me more than I realized because when I talked about it, I started to cry. Mom made me feel worse. She told me that she didn’t blame his mom and dad for not wanting me for their daughter-in-law. She said you will be lucky to ever get married. Ed had been listing to Mom and I talk. He motioned for me to come into the other room with him. To my astonishment, he was able to say the things I needed to hear. He said, “You may be the hired help, but you earn your money through hard work and honesty. Anyone who knows you should be proud to have you as a daughter-in-law!” Ed said a lot more things. Everything that he said, I needed to hear. He also said that when you give a talk in church, it’s not how much schooling you have or how smart you are that makes it a good talk, but the Spirit. It matters more to be close to God than anything else.
I stayed and had family prayer with them. Ed gave the prayer. In his prayer, he prayed for me. It was a very beautiful prayer, just what I needed at the time. When he was done saying the prayer, he hugged me and told me to remember that he loved me. I felt like I mattered and that I would be okay.
When I got home, Rose was upset because she was planning a fireside and no one seemed like they wanted to come. I listened to her for a little bit and tried to act with empathy toward her, hoping it would help our relationship. Then I went into my room and I wrote out everything that was going through my head so that I could sleep. It was about five pages. Then I threw it out because I was afraid that Dave would find it. I felt so much better about myself. I was grateful for all the things Ed had said to me and I was able to fall asleep.
I feel so much better about myself. I want his family to accept me for who I am and not for whom they wish I was and if the marriage doesn’t take place, I’m okay with it.
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