Married Life Chapter 51

Our wedding night had seemed perfectly normal. After being married for two weeks, I thought there had to be something wrong. Whenever we went to bed, Richard never wanted anything to do with me. I even put on a pretty white negligee I had gotten as a wedding present. When I put it on, Richard would still ignore me and even seemed repulsed and annoyed. It made me feel bad about myself.

When it was time for bed, and I would get rejected, I would get up, sit quietly, and cry in the living room. I tried a few times to talk to Richard about it, and he would respond with, “If you weren’t such a bitch during the day, then I’d have something to do with you.” I was shocked and asked what I had done. He would respond with, “Why don’t you think about it? I am sure you can figure it out!” No matter how hard I tried, I could never come up with anything. Instead, the nicer I was, the meaner he became.

One day, when we were sitting in the car, I tried to talk to him about it. Just then, some girls rode their bikes down the street. Richard rolled down the window and began catcalling after them. They turned around and seemed flattered by it. They stopped their bikes and yelled to him, “Why don’t you ditch that ugly thing you are with and come with us instead?” Richard smiled at them.

I asked Richard why he would do such a thing since he was married, especially since I was sitting right next to him! He excused his behavior by saying he wasn’t used to being married and therefore he thought it was okay. I let him know that it was disrespectful towards me. He apologized, yet he seemed to enjoy that I was hurt. I brushed his behavior off, thinking this couldn’t be true, because surely, he wasn’t that mean, and it must have been because he was stupid.

It didn’t make sense to me that he tried so hard to have sex with me before we were married, and now he wanted nothing to do with me. One night I said to him, “It’s okay, we have fun together when we are in bed, we are married, you know.” I was trying to be funny.

He didn’t find it humorous. Instead, it agitated him. I thought, maybe it was me, and married people don’t really do this kind of thing. Even though it hurt me to think that he wanted nothing to do with me, it became a normal way of life.

Sunday, December 25, 1983. – Our first Christmas together.

Richard had put a lot of thought and effort into my Christmas presents. It meant so much to me! I gave him a watch that played music so he could listen to it while he jogged.

Richard told me that he wanted us to start our family. I do too, but not until I can stay home with our children. I can’t imagine having kids and then having someone else raise them.

April 1984

After we had been married for 6 months, I tried again to talk to him about why we weren’t intimate. He told me it was because the neighbors were too noisy, and it would make him nervous and turn him off. Then he came up with what seemed like a really good idea. He said, on Saturday, let’s go camping. Then we can get away from our neighbors, relax, and have the best time ever.

Saturday finally arrived, and the weather seemed perfect for camping. I was looking forward to this trip. To start the trip off, Richard said, “We never go out to eat, let’s do it!” He never let me in on how much money we had. I would just hand over my paycheck as he had asked me to. He took care of the bills and would let me know if there was anything left over.

Whenever I asked if I could buy something I needed, he would tell me we were lucky to be able to pay the rent. I asked him if we had enough money to go out to eat. He assured me we had just enough money for a tent and a little left over for eating out.

We went into the mountains and pitched our tent. When we were done, we went to a nearby restaurant and ate. Richard kept reassuring me about how much he loved me and how much fun we were going to have later.

I couldn’t wait to get back to our tent! When we got back, I started to kiss him. Richard said, “Oh, be careful, my stomach hurts, I must have eaten too much.” I looked at him and asked, “What are you talking about? We shared a meal. I have seen you eat more than that and be just fine.” He said, “I probably got food poisoning.” I assured him that I would be sick too since we had eaten the same thing. Then he said, “I’ll go to the bathroom, maybe that will make me feel better.”

Richard then left. He was gone for a good while. (Now that I have the whole picture, I’m pretty sure he went and had a good time with himself.)

In the meantime, I waited for him in the tent. When he finally returned, I started to kiss him again. Then he said, “Don’t I am sick.” I told him he had seemed fine all evening. Then he said, “I think I just ate too much,” and turned over, pretending to go to sleep. Again, I was sitting there alone in the dark. I was wondering what in the world was wrong with him because one minute we seemed to be having a nice time, and now he was ignoring me.

I prayed for patience and strength to be a good wife, and to do anything I could to make our marriage work.

I wasn’t making very much money working for the church. I needed to find a full-time job. Since I had no formal education, I applied for a job at a donut shop just down the street from where we lived. Then I could walk to and from work. I ended up getting the job. I was able to get more hours, but still not full-time.

One Saturday, while I was working at the donut shop, I had my period. I was in so much pain! More pain than usual. I asked my manager if I could go home. He reluctantly agreed to let me take the rest of the day off.

When I got back to our apartment, Richard was sitting in front of the TV watching cartoons. He was surprised to see me home so early. I told him I was in a lot of pain and asked him if he would go to the store and get me some medicine. He seemed to understand that I was in dire need and said he would go right away. I went to lie down in our bedroom.

After lying there for over an hour, I thought for sure he was back from the store, so I went to check on him. He was sitting in front of the TV. I asked him where he had put the medicine. He looked at me and said, “I haven’t gone.” I let him know I needed the medicine and that if he could, please go. He seemed put out, but finally agreed to leave after his show was over. By now I was in so much pain I was crying. He seemed completely unfazed by it, and he couldn’t care less.

When we returned with the medicine, pads, and tampons, he let me know that this was an extremely embarrassing situation I had put him in. I was saddened to see he had no compassion for what I was going through.

This was the first time of many. It was hard for me to understand how anyone could be without human compassion. Again, I thought it was because he was stupid, and again, I prayed for patience and understanding and for the Lord to help me endure our marriage.