New Year Chapter 59

Richard and I didn’t celebrate New Year’s. We are just happy when Jared sleeps so that we can sleep too.

Friday, January 3, 1986

Beth called to tell me that she and Mom had gone ice-skating and that Mom had fallen on the ice. Mom was going to stay a couple of days in the hospital because she needed surgery on her wrist.

Mom told Beth to tell me she would forgive me for breaking in and taking her stuff if I returned the stereo to her. Mom had apparently given it to Beth and told her it was hers to keep.

Mom apparently thought it looked good on her living room table. Mom also asked for a few other items that were clearly mine. Beth didn’t seem to understand that they were my belongings. Beth missed me and asked me to do as Mom had said, so that we could have peace and see each other again.

I talked it over with Richard. He wants nothing to do with Mom and hopes to never see her again. I don’t blame him!

Saturday, January 4, 1986

I felt bad for Beth, so Richard and I brought Jared to the hospital to let Mom know the items she had requested were in the car.

When Mom heard this, she let me know she had forgiven me. I felt sick to my stomach! But I wanted to keep the peace for Beth’s sake.

After we had talked to Mom, we drove Beth home and dropped off my stuff.

Wednesday, January 15, 1986

When I got out Richard’s lunch box to get it ready for tomorrow, I found the sweetest letter that Richard had written me.

In the letter, he expressed how much he loved me. How he couldn’t imagine life without me and how excited he was to come home from work each day to be with me and our baby.

I was so content with our life. Thinking back, living in the trailer was our happiest time together.

Beth went to school not too far from where we lived. She would sometimes stop by after school and visit with me until Mom got off from work.

Wednesday, January 22, 1986

I got a letter from my dad today. It’s the second letter I have received from him since I immigrated to America. It had a couple of pictures with it. It wasn’t long, but man, I was so happy to receive it! I wrote Dad a long letter back, thanking him for the pictures and letter, and I added a few pictures of Jared.

Sunday, January 26, 1986

At church, I heard several lessons on forgiveness. Each time, it made me think of Bent and what it was like to live in Canada. It seemed so easy for the teacher to talk about turning it over to the Lord and forgiving whoever had offended you.

Today’s lesson was about the things that have hurt you, like rocks in a backpack you carry around. The burden could be heavy to keep with you. You need to forgive and turn it over to the Heavenly Father so you can let go of the rocks.

I thought, “Yes, I have rocks, but they are my rocks! I had paid a price for them, and I had earned each and every one of them! How was I to let them go? I could never forgive Bent!”

As the months passed, I thought that even if Bent were to come to me and say he was sorry, I still wouldn’t accept his apology!

When we get to heaven, he will see and know the pain he has caused me, and then he will beg for my forgiveness. I doubted that even then would it grant it to him.

I started to have a lot of anger and resentment. I knew the teacher was right, and I needed to let go, but I didn’t know how.

I had just put Jared down for a nap, and I went into the kitchen to make dinner. I thought about how sweet and innocent Jared was, and how I could never intentionally hurt him. Then I thought of how Bent never wanted kids. My brother and I were forced on him. His relationship with me was different than that of my own child.

I realized that the anger and hate I felt toward Bent were making no difference to his life. However, it would destroy mine if I didn’t let go.

I started to cry. The pain was so intense! I fell to my knees and prayed intently. I begged Heavenly Father to help me let go and to get rid of that awful pain!

After I had been on my knees for a while, I could almost feel the burden being lifted off me. At that moment, instead of hate and anger, I felt sorry for Bent, for I knew that one day he would have to answer for everything that he had done.

As the months passed, I began writing Bent letters telling him about my daily life. Since I felt sorry for him, I even started to send him Christmas and Birthday presents.

I never got any in return, but I never expected anything either. He started to call me on my birthday. It would never fail, he would always thank me for the present I had sent, and then he would ask me, “Why are you so kind towards me? I don’t deserve it.” I would never respond to his question. Instead, I changed the subject and asked him how he was doing.

Thursday, February 13, 1986

We are not sure of Jared’s eye color. When he was born, they were dark blue. Some days, they look as if they’re about to turn green, like mine. Others, they look like they will be brown, like his dads’. I can’t wait to see what color they will end up being.

Jared is now 6 months old. He is getting cuter and funnier every day. I love him, and I love being home with him, watching him grow.

Richard called from work to tell me one of his male coworkers was turning 30 tomorrow and asked me to bake a cake for him. I thought it was odd that he wanted to surprise him, since he never cared to give anything to anyone. But it seemed important to him, so I made it.

Friday, February 14, 1986 (Valentine’s Day)

Richard seemed so happy about the cake I had made for his coworker and was excited to give it to him!

Later, when Richard came home from work, we went to Dairy Queen to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

Friday, February 21, 1986

Mom has been calling me a lot lately. She has been kind and suggested I come by her work to see her, and we could go to lunch together. Growing up abused, I fell right back into her trap.

After I saw Richard off for work, I cleaned the trailer and then took the bus downtown to Mom’s work. She seemed so happy to see Jared and me. Mom took her lunch break, and we went to the cafeteria. Mom paid for my lunch.