New House Chapter 66

Monday, May 16, 1988

All the babysitting I had done while I was expecting Sarah paid off. About a
month ago, Richard and I went and looked at houses. We found one in Kerns that we could afford. Sarah is only one week old. Hopefully, it won’t be too hard for me to unpack all our boxes and get settled in.

Saturday, June 4, 1988

The house was only a year old. It is all so exciting! A new baby and a new house! The neighbors and our new ward all seem so nice!

I have already found two kids to babysit. They started on Monday this week. One of the children is just a week younger than Sarah. Her name is *Breanna. She has a sister named *Kate who is almost Jared’s age. Jared and Kate seem to already be good friends.

Monday, June 6, 1988

When Kate and Breanna’s parents dropped off their girls this morning, they had accidentally left her diaper bag in their car. I didn’t have their phone number, so I couldn’t call them to let them know that I didn’t have any formula for their baby. I couldn’t go to the store to buy some, and I didn’t know the neighbors well enough to ask if they had any formula I could borrow, so I ended up nursing their baby.

The whole day, I was worried that the parents would be upset with me for breastfeeding her. Instead, the dad was excited about saving money on formula.

I started babysitting one more baby and a couple of other kids today. I am currently watching 7 children in total. 3 of them, including mine, are babies all about the same age. With all the kids I am babysitting, it is hard to find time to nurse two babies. I let them know that they needed to bring formula.

Friday, June 24, 1988

Breanna’s parents keep forgetting to bring formula, and since I am afraid to speak up, I will have to buy some for the days that they forget to put it in the diaper bag.

With all the babysitting I am doing, I feel like I don’t have time for my kids or myself. Richard has started working a lot of overtime again, so I am left to watch our two kids in the evenings.

There are days I feel like I don’t even have time to go to the bathroom. I still don’t know what our finances are like. I give Richard the money I make, just as he asked.

I asked Richard when I could stop babysitting, just so I’d know there was an end in sight. He told me to hang in there, and someday he would make enough money so I wouldn’t have to work so hard. For now, Richard says we need the money to make ends meet, so I will just have to be patient.

Thursday, July 7, 1988

Richard took the day off from work since I’m turning 27 today. Richard kept asking me to look outside to see what a beautiful day it was. I was so busy taking care of kids, that I didn’t want to take the time to look outside. I told him, yes, it looks beautiful.

Richard seemed determined to have me look outside, so I finally did. I was so surprised and shocked to see that Richard had cemented a 25′ flagpole into the ground. It even had a Danish flag flying from it! I had been so busy babysitting
I had not even noticed that he had been digging a hole in the front yard for the last couple of days.

Richard and I had agreed that if an item costthat wasn’t a necessity cost more than $10.00, we would discuss it. The flagpole was definitely more than we had agreed on!

Richard convinced me I had always wanted a flagpole. It’s a Danish tradition to fly the flag on your birthday, and I had missed that tradition. I was confused! Yes, I missed the tradition, but that didn’t mean I wanted a flagpole.

Before I had a chance to digest what had happened. Richard told me that he loved me more than anything else in the world and would do anything for me! Then he said that from now on, for the rest of my life, he was going to fly the Danish flag for me on my birthday. It was to let me know just how much he loved me.

When all the parents saw the flagpole, they were so impressed by his thoughtfulness. I felt lucky to have such a sweet husband.

Thursday, July 14, 1988

A few days ago, I asked Richard what he wanted for his birthday. He told me that since I was so busy tending, he had already bought a present. He had done this to make it easier on me.

It was an American flag for the flagpole. I was surprised to see just how big it was. Before I could say anything, he told me he would have bought the Danish flag the same size, but they didn’t have one that big or of the same quality.

I had already expected that the flagpole was a surprise for me because he loved me so much that I never questioned the present that he had bought for himself.

I later found out that the flagpole cost over $800.00. With the two flags, rope, and hardware, it had come to over $ 1,000.00.

I ask Richard how we could afford my present. He told me that nothing was too expensive for me. He said I deserved it and that I could rest assured I would soon be able to stop babysitting.

Since I didn’t have a clear picture of what he had done, I didn’t get upset. I was confused, thinking it was my fault he had gotten me such an expensive gift because I had missed this tradition.

I asked him next time to please discuss with me before buying something over $10.00. He agreed with me and said that he totally understood.

Wednesday, July 20, 1988

I felt my life didn’t belong to me. It was as if Richard and I were in a boat. He was drilling holes in it, while I did what I could to make the water stop coming in to keep us from drowning. I never seemed to have enough time for my own children. Being an adult had not turned out the way I had always dreamed of. I started having nightmares.

Sunday, July 24, 1988

The nightmares were getting worse. It is glimpses of my childhood where I was getting beaten up by Sander or hit by my mom. Some of the nightmares were of me as an adult, beating up my mom. The nightmares were becoming unbearable.

Richard spoke with the Bishop today and asked if the church would pay for therapy to help me stop having nightmares. The Bishop said he would help us find one, and we would only have to pay $25.00 per session.

Not much was known about C-PTSD. Only that soldiers sometimes suffered from PTSD. I had never served in a war, so I couldn’t understand why this was happening to me.

I didn’t want to get help. But since the nightmares were becoming unbearable, I felt I had no choice but to get professional help.

September, 1988

I saw the therapist once a week. He was nice and seemed so knowledgeable. He told me that my mom was a narcissist. I had never heard that word before. After he described what it meant, it seemed to explain my mom’s behavior perfectly!

The therapist taught me how to control my nightmares. He told me I needed to
start standing up for myself. He said that often, people who have been abused as a child will become people pleasers and be afraid to stand up for themselves.

The therapist could tell I didn’t understand what he was saying. He told me he would help me work on this. The therapy was going so well that Richard wanted to have therapy too. We have started seeing the therapist separately.

After seeing Richard a couple of times, the therapist tried to tell me something, but couldn’t, because he isn’t allowed to disclose what his patient confides in him. The best way the therapist could tell me about what Richard had told him was for me to get out of the marriage.

The therapist said that in all the years that he has been practicing, he had never
advised a couple to get divorced. He believed in the covenants you make in the LDS Temple. That was why he had become a therapist and a marriage counselor.

He said, “In your case, it would be best for you to leave my husband. The Lord would not hold you accountable for not keeping the covenants you have made in the Temple.” I told the therapist that we had two small kids and that I needed to stay so that I wouldn’t break up the family.

The therapist urged me to trust him! He said, “Get out while you are still young, it will be better for you and your kids! Mark my words, someday Richard will end up leaving you!” I couldn’t believe what he had said!

Then the therapist said that he couldn’t tell me everything he wanted to, but he wanted me to know that whatever marital problems Richard and I had were not because of me. He repeated, ” For your own sake and your kid’s, get out as soon as possible!”

After this session, I couldn’t wait to tell Richard that it wasn’t because of me, but because of him, that we had marital problems! Richard got upset. He told me the Therapist was crazy and didn’t know what he was talking about!

Richard assured me that he loved me. The children and I were his world, and he would do anything for us. Then he said I was never to see the therapist again.

After this happened, Richard became more verbally abusive. At the same time, he bought me chocolate, left me the sweetest notes, and told me how much he loved me. It was all so confusing to me!

January 1989

I was called as the second counselor for the Young Women in the ward. With everything I had going on in my life, I didn’t know how I’d find the time to serve. I felt so inadequate! The Young Women’s President seemed confident that I was the one who should have this calling. Her name is Terry. Her confidence in me helped, and I didn’t want to disappoint her.

One day, when Terry came to my house, she noticed I put all the laundry in the machine without sorting it first. She asked me if Richard ever had pink garments. We both laughed about it, then she showed me how to sort it. We quickly became close friends. One that I could always rely on to be there for me!

Every Tuesday evening, we met at church for Young Women’s activities. Once a month, it was combined with the Young Men.

In one of the activities, some of the girls and some of the Young Women leaders talked about how cute the Young Men’s President was. His name was *Bryson, but they called him Mr. Chippendale because he looked like he would fit right in as one of the Chippendale dancers.

Bryson was a married man, and I didn’t think they should be talking about him.
But it was all in fun, and he was extremely good-looking.

One Sunday before church, I put on a dress that I had bought right after Sarah was born. I had lost a lot of weight, and the dress felt so baggy on me. I asked Richard what he thought. He had his head turned away from me and said, “You look fine.” I felt so insecure.

I said, “Richard, you didn’t even look at me! Be honest, should I wear this dress to church, or does it look too baggy on me?” Richard got annoyed and said in a harsh voice, “I already told you! You look fine!”

I felt bad about myself, but I kept the dress on because I had only one other, which I wore every Sunday.

When I walked into the chapel, Bryson was sitting by himself in the first row. When he saw me, he stood up and said, “Wow, you look amazing!” I got all flustered. I had never spoken to Bryson before, and these were his first words to me. It felt good to get the confirmation that I had wanted from
Richard.

After that, whenever I would look over at Bryson, he would look over at me.

On Sunday, and at every activity we were together, I found myself locking eyes with him. We both did what we could to be by each other when we had combined youth activity. With all the babysitting I was doing, he became something to look forward to, and it was clear his feelings were mutual.

March 1989

I got worried about the feeling I had for Bryson. I knew that if nothing changed, we were heading for disaster, so I set up an appointment to meet with the Bishop. In the meeting, I told him that both Bryson and I had feelings for each other and that he needed to release one of us from our callings before it was too late.

The Bishop told me, “You are both married in the temple, and you have made serious covenants. I am not worried about either of you. You both are doing a great job in your callings, and it would be hard to replace either of you.” I tried to get the Bishop to understand that Bryson and I couldn’t be in a calling where we saw eachother. The Bishop didn’t want to make any changes.

I would just have to stay strong!

When you have a husband who always works late, is verbally abusive when he is home, and then doesn’t want to have anything to do with you, staying strong was easier said than done!

During one of the activities, Bryson asked me if he could meet with me alone just once. I smiled and said, “Maybe.”

Even though I wanted nothing more than to be alone with Bryson, I realized it would only lead to trouble. I didn’t want to risk our eternal salvation, so I sat down and wrote Bryson a letter, saying that even though I wanted to meet with him, it could never happen.

At church, I slipped Bryson the note when no one was looking. Later that Sunday,
when I went to change Sarah’s diaper, Bryson was standing in the hall waiting for me.

When he saw me, he said, “I just want to meet with you one time! It’s so hard to talk to you when there are always people around. Please just once is all I ask!”

As I looked into his pleading blue eyes, it was impossible to say no. I said, “Okay, fine, just once!” He said, “I will call you sometime during the week so that we can set up an appointment.”

The following week, he called, and we set a time to meet.

Between having to watch kids till late and Richard never being home, it was hard to get away. I had to convince Richard to come home from work at 4:00 pm, the time supposed to be off. Then, at 4:30 pm, I would be ready to leave. This way it wouldn’t be too late for Bryson to get home from work without his wife questioning him why he had worked so late.

Part of me felt guilty, and part of me was excited to see him.

We had managed to set up a time. We met in a deserted parking lot. Bryson told me that he couldn’t stand the way Richard talked to me and that if he had a wife like me, there was no way he would ever treat her this way. He added, sometimes when I hear the way he talks to you, I want to punch him!

I agreed that I had not won the lottery when I had said yes to being Richard’s wife. Bryson told me about his marriage. He never got to know his wife before they married. She was the first person he met when he got off his mission. He said he married her only because that’s what’s expected when you get home from a mission.

It sounded like it wasn’t the best. We talked about if only we had met before we got married. We ended up kissing, then we both agreed that this meeting could never happen again!

September 1989

We tried to stay strong. We would see each other on Sundays and at the activities. It was always something I looked forward to, so it seemed harmless to meet up with him again.

Even though it was hard for me to get away, we managed to see each other two more times.

Bryson had even come over and helped Richard with some projects on the house that needed to be done. Richard never wanted to do anything on the Honey Do list, but whenever Bryson offered his help, Richard made himself available. Richard was so excited to have this new friend in his life that all he could talk about was him. I thought if he only knew.

Monday, November 3, 1989.

Bryson called me, as he always did, during the day. This time, his voice sounded somber. He said, “My wife knows about us. She has packed her bags. I am calling to ask you if I should let her go and if it’s going to be us permanently, or if I should work it out with my wife?”

I felt sick! I told him to tell his wife that it was over between us. Bryson asked me if I meant it. Part of me wanted to scream no and run away with him! I told him that we both had small kids, I knew what it was like growing up with divorced parents, and I just couldn’t do that to them. He said, “Okay,” and hung up.

I fell to my knees and cried hard. How did it get so out of hand?! It was never supposed to get this far! How could I have done this to his wife and our children?! I felt like my heart was going to burst into a million pieces from all the pain I was feeling!

Bryson and his wife put their house on the market. Every time I drove to or from my house, I saw the For Sale sign in their yard. It was painful to see. If we had only been able to remain friends!

I didn’t want to risk my eternal salvation, so I went to the Bishop to let him know what I had done. To my relief, I wasn’t excommunicated or lost my calling because we had never gone all the way.

Instead, I was told I was to read the book called Miracle of Forgiveness and not take the sacrament for 3 months. I read the book in no time and did what it said. Yet I didn’t know if I could ever get over Bryson or forgive myself for what had happened.