Repentance Chapter 67

The Bishop had told me that part of my repentance was to tell Richard what I had done and apologize to him.

I dreaded telling him because I felt it would only hurt him, and I didn’t see what good that would do. I wanted to get the repentance over with, so I told him. I was surprised at how Richard reacted. He said, “Is that why the *Nielsons are moving?” I answered yes. Richard said, “I thought he came over to help me with things because he was my friend. He only came over to see you?!” He was angry with me. Not because of what I had done, but because I was the reason that he had lost his friend.

Monday, October 9, 1989

Repenting was a lot harder than I thought it would be! The whole time I was with Bryson, I would always think about how grateful I was that my elder brother Jesus had died on the cross for me, so that I was not doomed as long as I repented when we were done seeing each other.

During the week, I would get up at 5:00 am, and the first child I was watching came at 5:30 a.m. Some days, the last child would leave between 9:00 and 10:00 p.m. In a day, I would sometimes watch 18 kinds, including my own. It was a long day.

I did it because we never seemed to have any money. Richard took most of the money, saying he needed it for bills. With the rest of the money, I bought food and the bare necessities.

Even though Jared is only 4, he is a big help to me and does his best. He loves Sarah. He is always helping her out and protecting her from the older children that I tend. Even if she is the one in the wrong, he takes good care of her, and she knows it. I don’t know what I would do without him!

I couldn’t afford to put Jared in preschool, so I started doing preschool with him and the kids I watch. I have never done preschool before, and I am not even sure of what I am doing, but the kids all seem to be learning. They can sing the alphabet both forwards and backwards, and know their numbers and the Pledge of Allegiance. I must be doing something right.

I do worry about watching so many kids, but to my relief, Jared always seems to enjoy having kids to play with.

Because he didn’t get the nutrition he needed as a baby, his four front teeth were brittle. He now has 4 porcelain teeth. The dentist assured me that when his permanent ones come in, they should be just fine.

Sarah is 20 months old. When I walk behind her, she is so tiny. Compared to the universe, she is just a dot, so I nicknamed her Dot. I wonder how something so tiny can be so precious! She wants to do everything that Jared does. With all the kids that I watch, she has learned to fight for what she wants. If the task is too big for her, she goes to Jared for help.

Whenever Sarah has the hiccups, she wants me to look down her throat. I guess she thinks I can see them. It’s so cute.

Even at a young age, she likes to help. Whenever I have garbage, I give it to her so that she can throw it away. Laundry is her favorite. She tries to help fold it, and if I am not careful, she will dump the basket, so we have to do it all over again.

While I am babysitting kids, I try to find a quiet moment to kneel and beg Heavenly Father to help me get over Bryson. I told Heavenly Father that repenting seemed impossible. Especially because I was not sorry for having spent time with Bryson. I had lost someone who filled a void in my life. Someone who made me feel special.

Just when I thought I was doing a good job of not thinking about him, the song called “Lost in Your Eyes” by Debbie Gibson would come on the radio. Throughout our relationship, I used to listen to that song because it described our connection so perfectly! Now, when the song would come on unexpectedly, I would hurry and turn the radio off and do what I could to not cry.

There were days I felt like I was going to die from a broken heart. I was grateful for my two children. They were my reason for living, and brought so much joy into my life!

Our 6th wedding anniversary was coming up. Richard and I decided to try to mend our relationship. We planned to go away for a few days to celebrate our anniversary. I didn’t know who I could ask to watch Jared and Sarah while we went away. I ended up asking my mom if she would mind taking a few days off from work to watch them. To my surprise, she said yes. I hated having her watch them, but I felt that, for the sake of my marriage, I had no other option.

Richard and I went to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. I felt like we were two broken people trying to make our marriage work. It was nice to be away from all the babysitting and daily chores. It was also nice to sleep in and just relax.

While we were there, we wandered through the town and looked at the small shops. We bought Jared and Sarah a present. Richard also let me buy something for my mom to say thank you for watching the kids, and a gift for Beth. Now I couldn’t wait to get back home to give Jared and Sarah their presents.

Friday, October 20, 1989

When we came back from our trip, I unpacked our suitcases. I was surprised to see that Richard had stolen two towels and two bathrobes from the hotel where we had stayed.

I asked Richard why he had done that. He told me that it had cost us a lot of money to stay at the hotel and that the hotel would never miss the towels or the bathrobes. Then he excitedly told me how one of the cleaning ladies had left a room open, and that’s when he went in and took them. Then he said, “We both need a bathrobe, and just look at these, aren’t they just so extravagant? Haven’t you always wanted a bathrobe just like this?” I answered, “Yes, but not one that’s stolen. I am sure the cleaning lady has to account for missing items.” Richard didn’t seem to care.

I got the hotel’s address and sent everything back to them with a note saying sorry. I didn’t sign it, and I left no return address.

I was upset that Richard didn’t care about our eternal family, and that he was willing to trade it in for a few items. Richard was upset that I had sent it back because, as he said, “The hotel could afford it!”

The whole thing was so frustrating! Now I had to spend money on postage and time to send it back.

November 1989

Bryson and his wife had not sold their house, so they were still coming to church every Sunday. When I would see them, I would hurry and look away.

December 1989

For Young Women’s we had planned a nice evening out for all the married couples in the ward. The Young Women and the leaders were going to serve them a nice meal so that they could have a romantic night out. We decorated the cultural hall with Christmas decorations and set the tables so beautifully.

The couples started to arrive and sit down. When the prayer was said, we began serving everyone. I had not noticed that Bryson and his wife were there too.

As I was helping serve the meal we had prepared, I saw them. Bryson looked away, and his wife gave me a cold, hard stare. I felt sick to my stomach and had to hurry back into the kitchen to catch my breath.

Terry, the Young Women’s president, knew why I had gone back into the kitchen. She followed me. When we got into the kitchen, I couldn’t hold back the tears. Terry put her arms around me. Then she said, “Don’t worry, you can just stay and help out in the kitchen.”

I was so grateful for her compassion. I felt she should judge me for what I had done. She didn’t know the details, but it was obvious to her that we had feelings for each other and why they had put their house up for sale.

Then the young woman came into the kitchen. When they saw me crying, they wanted to know what had upset me. I couldn’t tell them. They asked Terry. She smiled and told them I would be okay, and to go back and make sure everyone had their meals and that everything out there was taken care of. Terry told me to go ahead and go home. So I did.

The following Sunday, Lisa, one of the young women who I was close to, asked what had upset me. I told her that if she wanted to know, I would tell her when she got older. For now, it was best not to talk about it, but for her to know I would be okay.

Lisa was frustrated. She cared about me and wanted to know. I told her she would have to trust me and that someday, when she was grown up and still wanted to know, I would tell her.

During the day, while I was babysitting, I kept listening to “Away in a Manger” over and over again. I felt that two verses from the song was a plea to Heavenly Father to help me through this time in my life.