May 1990
Richard and I have started to see a different marriage counselor once a week. This counselor told us it was important for Richard and me to go out on a date every Friday evening. We want our marriage to work, so it became a priority. Terry would often babysit for us so that we could go out.
Friday, May 4, 1990
Before Richard and I went out on our weekly date, I had photocopied a black-and-white picture of our family so that Jared could color it for me while we were away.
On our date, we talked about how, with two more children coming into our family, we should start planning now.
When we got home from our date, Jared gave me the picture of the family that I had given him before we left. He had colored the picture and added one more person to the family. I asked him who that person was, and he told me it was his brother, waiting in heaven to join our family.
Richard and I looked surprised at each other, since we had not told anyone we had talked about having more children.
July 1990.
I missed my dad and would write him often. In all the years I have lived in America, I have received only one letter and one postcard from him. Since I never heard back from him, I didn’t know whether he cared that I had written to him. I made him a little photo album with pictures of my family and me. I let him know that, since I hadn’t heard back, this would most likely be the last time I wrote to him. I wanted him to know that even though he wouldn’t hear from me again, I still missed and loved him.
After I sent the album in the mail, I tried not to think about my dad so often and just get on with my life, accepting things as they were.
September 1990
I found out I was expecting. Even though I knew I was going to be sick for a while, I was still excited. We had decided that if it was a boy, he would be nicknamed J.J., and if it was a girl, her name would be Laila.
Monday, October 15, 1990
It was our 7th wedding anniversary yesterday. I wasn’t feeling well, so Richard surprised me by staying home from work to help with the daycare kids.
After lunch, when I had put most of the kids down for a nap, I started to get cramps. I wondered what I had eaten that would cause me to feel this way. I went to the bathroom, thinking that would help the cramps go away. While doing so, the baby came out. I let out a scream because it was so painful. I looked into the toilet and saw the baby lying in the water.
It was a boy. He was still attached to the umbilical cord. I picked up the baby. As I held him in my hands, I looked at him. He had five tiny fingers and five tiny toes. It was so surreal!
Richard heard my scream and ran to the bathroom to see if I was all right. The door was locked, so he yelled, “Are you okay?!” I couldn’t answer because here I was, holding our baby, who I was too still to have carried for twenty more weeks. I was trying to process what had just happened.
Since I didn’t say anything, Richard got worried. He found something to unlock the bathroom door with. When he saw me sitting there, holding the baby, he left, then quickly returned with a pair of scissors. “What are you going to do with them?” I asked. “I need to cut the cord,” he said. “No!” I yelled. Because I was in a state of shock, I thought that all we needed to do was go to the doctor so that he could put the baby back, since it still had halfway to go.
Richard said, “You can’t walk around with him hanging out of you!” I knew he was right, so I let him cut the cord. Then he sat by my side. Neither of us said a word. He reached out his hands to hold the baby. As he held him, I saw he was doing the same thing I had just done: turning the baby over and looking at him from every angle. Then Richard held his little hand with his two fingers. The baby looked so perfect. By now, both Richard and I were crying.
Beth is 19. She has graduated and has a job. Since it was Monday, I knew that Beth was most likely at work, but I called her up anyway. To my surprise, she answered the phone. I asked her why she was home. Beth told me that in the morning, she had a strong feeling she shouldn’t go to work, and she convinced our mom to stay home.
I told her what had happened and asked her if they could come over and help watch the kids while Richard and I went to the doctor. Since they didn’t live far from us, they came within 15 minutes.
Richard called the doctor to let him know we were coming. He was told we were to wait to come in until later that day, since no one would be available to see me. Because of the type of insurance we had, we couldn’t go straight to the hospital without the doctor’s approval. Richard told the woman on the phone that it was important that I be seen right away because I was still bleeding. The lady told him that I should lie in the fetal position until they called us back. He told her that I could be dead by then and that I needed to be seen right away. Reluctantly, the lady agreed, saying we could come in.
When we arrived, Richard told the woman at the front desk he had called ahead. She calmly told us to sit. The waiting room was full of people, and I was very aware of their routine. It could take up to four hours to be seen, and that was when you had an appointment!
I told the woman I was afraid that if I sat down, I would bleed all over their chair. She nonchalantly looked at me and said, “You are welcome to stand.” I told her that I was dizzy from the loss of blood, and I needed a place to lie down. She started making phone calls, and finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I was shown into a room where I could lie down.
When the doctor finally came in, he made it clear that he was upset. He told me it was his wife’s birthday, and that he was at the store when he got the call to come back because I had refused to wait to be seen until he finished his shopping. He also let me know that now he would have nothing to give to her when he got home. I felt bad and apologized for the inconvenience I had caused.
Then the doctor asked what was in the bowl that Richard was holding. I told him it was my baby. The doctor asked why in the world we had brought that with us! Richard told the doctor the lady on the phone had asked us to bring it so that they could do an autopsy to see why it had miscarried.
The doctor looked annoyed and said, “Put it over there!” then pointed to the counter. As he prepared to have a look at me, he smacked the equipment around while complaining that he didn’t have the right tools, but that he would just make do with what he had. Then he put a tool inside me. It was to keep everything open as he proceeded to put his whole hand and part of his arm inside me.
I could not believe what was happening! I was about to explode from the pain. The nurse held one of my hands, and Richard held the other as the doctor continued to move his hand around inside me. As I was lying there, I looked over at the clock and did everything I could to not scream out in pain. I focused on the clock as I was telling myself, “By this time tomorrow, this will be all over.” I repeated this to myself over and over again as I watched each agonizing second pass by.
The nurse holding my hand stroked my hair as she spoke softly to me. She kept telling me everything would be okay. As she was whispering to me, I could hear her crying. I was confused. Why was the doctor doing this? And why was I not given anything to put me out or numb me? Since I was still in a state of shock, I thought to myself, “I probably can’t have any medicine because it’s not good for the baby I am carrying,” even though the baby was no longer inside me, or alive for that matter.
As I watched the clock, twenty minutes had passed before the doctor announced that he was done. Each second felt like an eternity! It was THE most painful thing I had ever been through! Then the doctor told me to go home and that I should be fine.
As we pulled into our driveway, I thought that we should put up a sign that said, “It’s a boy!” Then I realized that there was no baby. Our boy had gone back to Heaven. It was hard for me to process. When I got inside, my sister was sitting with the kids, singing to keep them busy. By now, it was almost time for their parents to come pick them up.
Richard told me to go into our bedroom and lie down so that I could get some rest. I insisted on lying on the living room couch, where everyone was. I wanted to hear the children sing. I wanted reassurance that, even though this tragic event had just taken place, life would go on as usual.
Everyone was happy to see me back. I smiled and told them everything was okay and that they should just keep singing. It was so nice to hear them sing and laugh. At the same time, it was so strange for me to think that they were happy, and the sun was still shining. Part of me felt the whole world should have stopped, but it hadn’t, and life went on.
I thought about the song called “Why does the sun go on shining?” I loved that song, so I knew every word in the lyrics.
“Why does the sun go on shining?”
Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don’t they know it’s the end of the world
‘Cause you don’t love me anymore?
Why do the birds go on singing?
Why do the stars glow above?
Don’t they know it’s the end of the world?
It ended when I lost your love.
I wake up in the morning, and I wonder
Why everythings the same as it was
I can’t understand, no, I can’t understand
How life goes on the way it does
Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don’t they know it’s the end of the world?
It ended when you said, “Goodbye.”
Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don’t they know it’s the end of the world?
It ended when you said, “Goodbye.”
As each child was picked up, I spoke with their parents to let them know I would need the week off. Everyone was sweet and understanding.
When everyone had left, Jared asked if he could see the baby. I felt bad that I had not shown him the baby before we left. It was too late now. He was left in a bowl in the doctor’s office. I had left him behind because I thought they were going to do an autopsy on him.
I could not comprehend why this had happened. Now I had to take the week off, and money was already so tight.
Tuesday, October 16, 1990
I had contractions all night long. I was in a lot of pain and still bleeding. Richard called the doctor to tell him what I was going through. The receptionist said the doctor didn’t want to talk to him because my chart said I had already been taken care of, and we just needed to move on.
Then a neighbor came over to see how I was doing. She had just lost a baby three weeks earlier. She told me that it was not normal for me to still be bleeding and having contractions. It was obvious that I needed to get to a hospital.
Since the doctor had to approve it, Richard called the doctor’s office again to let them know I needed to go to the hospital. This time, Richard spoke with the doctor. The doctor said, “Fine, I will meet you at the hospital after I am done working here. In the meantime, make sure your wife doesn’t eat or drink anything.”
We drove to the hospital, where we met the same doctor who had treated me so poorly the day before. I can’t believe we trusted him to do a proper D&C on me. But I figured that since I was at the hospital, I would be safe because they would have all the right equipment to perform the surgery.
When I got home, I started passing out. Richard helped me get inside. I was weak from the loss of blood.
Friday, October 19, 1990
I am still in a lot of pain. This time, Richard didn’t care about the insurance. He called around to find me the best doctor in Utah. I was worried about how much it would cost and whether or not our insurance would cover it. Richard told me not to worry and that my life was more important.
We ended up at the University of Utah Hospital. This time I felt I was in safe hands. They did an ultrasound on me to see what was going on. They told me that because of the way the first doctor handled the miscarriage, there were still pieces of the placenta left.
I had contractions because my body was trying to get rid of the rest of the placenta. Since the miscarriage had been handled so poorly, the placenta had exploded into pieces. They were afraid to do another D&C on me because it would be too dangerous since I had lost so much blood.
Then the doctor told me that my body would have to get rid of the rest of the placenta on its own. In the meantime, they gave me some strong painkillers and told me that I needed to take it easy.
Since I haven’t gotten rid of all the placenta, my body still thinks I’m pregnant. The doctor wants to keep a close eye on me and asked that I come in once a week until my condition improves.”
Monday, October 22, 1990
I called the doctor’s office to see what the autopsy had shown. The lady at the front desk asked me, “What autopsy?” I told her that I had been told to bring my baby in so that they could see why he had died.
The lady put me on hold. When she came back, she told me that they had put “it” in a plastic bag and then thrown “it” in the garbage. I was stunned. My baby was not an “it”. He even had a name! J.J. was not garbage! I asked her where they had put the garbage. She told me probably in a field somewhere.
I was stunned! It hunted me for years. There were nights I would wake up because I thought I could hear J.J. crying, and I had no way of getting to him.
Monday, October 29, 1990
Due to complications from the miscarriage, I ended up having to take a lot more time off than just one week.
I still have morning sickness. I don’t know why they call it morning sickness, because I experienced it 24/7. To make matters worse, my stomach is still growing. Here I am going through pregnancy without a baby!
Monday, November 5, 1990
Even though I am not up to it, I am tending to kids again. I am still sick and weak from the whole ordeal. I wondered why all this had to happen. I knelt down and said an extra-long prayer.
I told Heavenly Father that I was tired of being so sick and my body still thinking I was expecting. I told him I missed my dad and wondered how he was doing. I also told him that I was still sad over the loss of the baby and a lot of other things that were weighing on me. Christmas was coming next month, and I didn’t know how we’d be able to afford it. As I prayed, I felt a calmness come over me.
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