“Don’t wait too long!” Chapter 78

Monday, December 6, 1993

Laila still doesn’t sleep, day or night. I am so tired! Every day I wake up wondering how I am going to make it through the day!

If someone offered me a million dollars or one hour of sleep, it would be no contest! I would choose the hour of sleep!

My day starts with getting Jared and Sarah off to school. By the time they are ready to leave the daycare kids have arrived. Laila screams all day long, just like she always has. She would never cry, only scream this blood-curdling scream as if shes hurt. I don’t know how much longer I can keep going!

I have talked to Richard about quitting the daycare, but he says we can’t get by without the money that I am making.

Sunday, December 11, 1993

Even though I am so tired, I still get the kids all by myself ready for church every Sunday. Richard would wait for us in the car.

Today, as I was getting us ready for church, I heard Richard honking. I went to see what was going on. He told me he didn’t want to be late for church again and that I needed to hurry up!

I felt like I was going to explode with anger! I told Richard it was time he helped get the kids ready! Richard wasn’t too happy about it. He reluctantly got out of the car. I let him know I couldn’t do it all. From now on, he needed to help me every Sunday. It was as if he is clueless about what I am going through!

Saturday, January 8, 1994

Richard told me if there was a boy waiting to come into our family, we should probably have him before Jared and Sarah got much older.

I told Richard, “With the way Laila was, I couldn’t handle being pregnant or have a baby to take care of. Plus babysit on top of everything else. We have to wait till Laila has outgrown whatever she is going through. Or at least until she could tell me what was wrong so I could help her.”

Richard didn’t seem to care. It didn’t affect him since he was never home anyway.

Monday, January 10, 1994

I put all the kids down for a nap that I was tending. Even Laila had gone to sleep. I sat on the couch, mending some clothes. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a little boy looking sad standing in the hallway. I figured it was one of the boys that I was tending who needed something.

I put down what I was working on so that I could go see what he wanted. When I looked up, he was gone! I went to check on the two boys I was tending, but they were asleep. I checked on Laila; she was asleep too.

It made me wonder if this was the little boy who still needs to come into our family. Then I wondered if he was sad because I didn’t want him to come until Laila was better.

This was the first time of many that I would see him. I didn’t tell anyone and felt like I was going crazy. It came to the point where I felt him next to me, constantly.

Saturday, February 19, 1994

Richard, Jared, Sarah, and I were invited over to Terry’s house to watch a movie with her and her family. When the movie was over, Richard got Sarah and Jared ready to go. In the meantime, I saw the little boy going downstairs. Without thinking about it, I went downstairs to get him.

When I got downstairs, no one was there. I felt terrible about it. I hoped no one would notice or question why I had gone into the basement.

When I came up, Richard was already in the car with Jared and Sarah. Terry looked at me and asked, “Why didn’t you bring him up with you?” I looked at Terry and said with excitement, “You saw him! You saw him too!” Terry said, “Yes, he went downstairs. Why didn’t you bring him up?” I said, “Terry, I only have two kids, and they are in the car. Terry looked confused. Then she asked, “Who went into the basement?!”

I let Terry know I was so relieved she had seen him, and that he had been with me for the past month. I thought I was going crazy! It was frustrating that I couldn’t pick him up and strap him in the car seat whenever we went somewhere. I also told Terry about the experience I had when I gave birth to Sarah. Terry said, “Well, you’d better get him here then.” I agreed, as we both laughed.

When I got to the car, Richard wanted to know what had taken me so long. I told him what had happened and that Terry had seen him, too. Richard just looked at me and didn’t say anything.

Friday, March 11, 1994

Mom has sent Sander a ticket so that he can come to Utah and live with her and Arnie. I am worried about Beth. Sander has never hurt her. Hopefully, she will be okay.     

Saturday, March 12, 1994

Beth called. She was crying. I could hear Sander yelling in the background. She said she was hiding under the stairs. She was afraid Sanader would see the phone cord and come get her. She was hiding because Sander was drunk and was trying to hit her.

I told Richard to hurry and go get her. I stayed home with our kids.

When Beth could hear that Richard was there, she hurried out of the house. Sander had not been able to find Beth. When he heard her running out of the house, he ran after her. Richard managed to shut the front door and hold on to it while Beth ran to the car and locked it.

Once Beth was safe in the car, Richard let go of the door and managed to get in the car so they could drive away. When Richard and Beth came to our house, Mom called.

She was upset that Richard had brought Beth to our house. Mom said we had overreacted and that Sander would never hurt her! Beth told Mom that she would be staying at my house. She would come back home when Sander was gone.

May, 1994

It’s been so nice having Beth live with us! Jared and Sarah just love her.

I am sick again. The baby is due in December. I sure hope it’s a boy.

Friday, June 3, 1994

Richard is still going to school 5 nights a week. Class is over at 9:00 pm. He used to be home at 9:30 pm. Now he is coming home at 10:20 pm. He tells me it’s because there is a girl in his class who doesn’t have a car and therefore, he needs to drive her home. I asked Richard not to do that, because I can’t go to sleep until he is home. Besides, I was sure she could find another person to drive her home.

Richard got mad and said, she didn’t have anyone else to help her. He said, It was the Christ-like thing for him to do! I told him he needed to think of his family. Then Richard said, “God comes first, and my family is second!” Richard is never here; it’s hard enough to have him come at 9:30 pm. I wish he was more understanding.

Saturday, June 11, 1994

Beth is getting married next month. She is going to have her wedding in our backyard. Without talking to me about it first, Richard was buying all kinds of stuff for our yard. Our backyard is already nice, and there is no need to spend more money on it!

Today, he came home with a chain link fence. I told him we already had a fence all around the yard. We didn’t need more! Richard said he wants to divide the front yard from the back yard. I asked him what in the world for? He said he thought it would look nice.

I am so frustrated! He never talked to me about anything he buys beforehand! Whenever I need something for the kids, he tells me there is no money. Now he has spent $600.00 on something that we don’t need!

Saturday, June 18, 1994

Richard finished putting up the fence today. It has made the backyard look so much smaller. The worst part is, he hasn’t bothered to put it in right, so it looks terrible! If it were up to me, I would pay someone to get rid of it. But I have no say.

Saturday, July 16, 1994

I called Sander this morning and told him that if he showed up for Beth’s reception, I would call the police. He got angry and told me I couldn’t tell him what to do. I let him know I had warned him.

Beth got married in the Jordan Temple today. Afterwards, we had the reception in our backyard. Mom had hired someone to cater it. She and Arnie paid for the reception. There was a lot of good food, and it turned out really nice. I was so happy for Beth. I was also relieved that Sander had stayed away.

Thursday, September 6, 1994

I was exhausted! The kids I tend needed me, and the house was a mess. I couldn’t do anything to stop Laila from crying.

I was horrified at what I was thinking, so I went to the bedroom and shut the door. The whole time, I could hear Laila screaming. I went down on my knees and prayed. I prayed for Heavenly Father to help me endure! I prayed to find out why she was always screaming. As I was praying, her screaming stopped.

When I came out of the room, she was playing with the daycare kids. When she saw me, she said, “Hi Mommy!” It was just like I had seen her before she was born. It made me cry. I picked her up and hugged her. She looked at me and smiled.

She wasn’t content for long and started creaming again. I wish I knew how to help her or find a doctor who could give me some answers!